The Border Part Two (5 page)

Pausing for a moment, he looked back toward his father’s house.

“Maybe you’ve got the right idea after all.”

***

“Be nice,” Beth said half an hour later, as she pressed an ice-cold can of beer into Jack’s hand. “I mean it this time. Be. Nice.”

“I’m always nice.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Do I have a history of being unpleasant?”

“He hasn’t done anything wrong,” she continued, glancing over her shoulder to make sure they were still alone in the kitchen, and in particular that there was no way Ben could overhear them. “He’s been polite, friendly, sociable and pretty much normal all afternoon.”

“He has?”

“He has.”

“Well don’t you think
that’s
a little weird?”

“Maybe he’s making an effort,” she replied, drying her hands before heading to the door. “It wouldn’t hurt you to do the same. If not for Ben, then for Mum. She’s having a great time.”

“I’m glad someone is,” Jack muttered, leaning back against the wall and taking a swig of beer. He could hear everyone talking in the front room, and somehow he was already able to pick out Ben’s voice, drifting across the rest of them as if it was somehow separate. He knew he had to go in and socialize soon, but he figured he could afford a few more minutes of solitude first. Sometimes, even without Ben around, the family could be a little overwhelming.

Checking his watch, he couldn’t help but feel annoyed that Jane was going to be late.

“Hi Ben,” he whispered, trying to psych himself up by preparing for the inevitable. “Hey Ben. Hey, brother.” He sighed. None of the possible openings felt natural. “How’re you doing, man? Long time, buddy. What’s -” Sighing again, he looked down at his beer. “This is hopeless. It’s just -”

“Hey bro,” a voice said suddenly.

Turning, Jack saw that Ben was standing in the doorway, grinning at him with the same laconic smile that seemed to be permanently stuck to his face.

“You out here all alone?” Ben continued, taking a step closer as he took a sip of beer. “What’s up? Need to recharge your batteries for a few minutes before you go in and face the clan?” Holding his beer out, he bumped it against Jack’s and then wandered toward the sink. “I know that feeling. The only difference is, you can reset your brain by hanging alone in the kitchen for a few minutes, whereas I need to go a little further, for a little longer.”

“For nine years,” Jack pointed out.

“Yeah.” He chuckled. “For nine years.”

Looking over at the door, Jack listened for a moment as he heard his mother laughing. Everything sounded so normal in the other room.

“Let me guess,” Ben continued. “She hasn’t seemed so happy for years? Her eyes are all lit-up now that the prodigal son has come home?”

“Don’t flatter yourself.”

“I was joking.” Ben paused, watching Jack carefully. “Can’t you take a joke anymore? Hey, where’s Janey? I’d have thought you’d call her in for back-up at a time like this. Don’t you need all the support you can get?”

“She’s working.”

“Big case? I heard about the unfortunate situation with the woman from the bar. Have you ever noticed how shitty things often happen around here whenever I come to town?”

Jack took another sip of beer. “It crossed my mind once or twice.”

“At this rate,” Ben continued, “I’m gonna end up with a complex. You know, thinking that maybe it’s somehow my fault, that I have this bad energy or, God forbid, something else is going on.” He paused, keeping his eyes fixed firmly on Jack. “Aren’t you gonna ask me, brother?”

“Ask you what?”

“If I…” He smiled. “You know.”

“Ben -”

“I need you to ask me.”

Jack sighed.

“It’s so hard,” Ben continued, as people laughed in the next room. “Do you have any concept of the weight that’s on my shoulders right now? All these sounds of a happy family, the way they’re laughing and talking, it all just makes me want to…”

His voice trailed off for a moment. His smile was gone now and he seemed to be struggling to find the right words. Finally, he muttered something under his breath.

“Make you want to what?” Jack asked.

He shook his head. “You wouldn’t understand. No-one does.”

“Try me.”

“Really?” Ben paused, eying his brother skeptically. “You might think it sounds odd,” he continued, his tone suddenly shifting as the usually ever-present smile left his lips. “Then again, fuck, you’ve had me pegged as odd since we were kids, so I guess it won’t exactly be a newsflash. I just…” He paused again, as if he was contemplating the sound of everyone else having fun in the front room. “What do you hear when you hear them? You know, that lot in there, having fun.”

“What do I hear?”

“It’s a serious question, Jack.”

“I hear… I hear people, enjoying themselves.”

“And does it sound natural to you?”

Jack nodded.

“Not forced at all?”

“No. Why, does it sound forced to you?”

“It’s like a visceral, gut reaction,” Ben continued, clearly pained by the sound. “It’s why I stay away, really, ‘cause I know that every time I come back to Bowley, every time I come back to the family… That’s why I wanted a few days alone in town before I made my presence known. Fuck, I know it might make me seem weird, but I don’t care right now, it’s a matter of self-preservation.” He sighed. “Do you know how I feel right now? Right this instant?”

Jack shook his head.

“Can I be honest with you, Jack? I need to be honest with someone. I can’t lie anymore.”

“Okay,” Jack replied skeptically.

“You think I’m full of shit?”

“I’m listening.”

“I feel this uncontrollable tightness,” Ben replied, grimacing slightly, “slowly twisting and turning in my belly. Like someone’s grabbed hold and is just turning it all around, and I’m struggling to find a way to get some release. Do you know that feeling, Jack?”

“I… Maybe. A bit.”

“Fuck,” Ben continued, “it consumes me. I can ignore it when I’m away from home, but…” He glanced over at the door for a moment, before stepping closer to his brother. “We’re close, right? You and me? I mean, I’m trying to fucking talk to you man to man. It’s not easy, but… We can still do this, right?”

“I guess. You’ve been gone nine years -”

“That’s nothing. Nine years? We’re brothers, come on, nine years is the blink of an eye. We have a connection.” Pausing, Ben seemed to be trying to summon the strength to say something else.

“What is it?” Jack asked finally.

“I don’t know if I can tell you.”

“Out with it.”

“It’s hard, man.” Another pause. Ben closed his eyes for a moment, before opening them again, this time with tears welling. “When I get that feeling, that tight feeling… It’s something I’ve had on and off for my whole life, and I’ve never told anyone this, okay? Not a soul. You have to promise to keep it to yourself, Jack, if I tell you.”

“I promise.”

“Really promise.”

“I really promise, just -”

“Even if you feel like you
have
to tell someone,” Ben hissed. “Like you have a duty, even if… You can’t even tell Jane.
Especially
not Jane, seeing as she’s a cop.” He paused. “Jack, I need your help, but you have to promise that you’ll treat me as your brother, not as anyone else. That’s the whole reason I came back this time, to get you to help me, ‘cause you’re the only one who can. I’m sorry for bullshitting you at the bar the other night, I was scared, but I need you, man.”

“Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I can’t keep living like this,” Ben continued. “I can’t keep doing the things I’ve been doing.”

“Such as?”

“You know.”

“I do?”

Ben nodded. “You do. You’ve suspected it for a long time. Don’t be polite.”

“What…
exactly
do you think I’ve suspected?”

“I came to you for help. Keep that in mind.” Grabbing Jack’s arm, Ben seemed filled with fear. “You have to promise that you won’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you. As my brother, Jack, you have to give me that promise and stick to it.”

“Sure. I promise.”

He waited for Ben to reply, but after a moment he realized his brother was simply staring into his eyes.

“What are you doing, Ben?” he asked finally.

“Trying to work out whether I can trust you.”

“You can.”

“That feeling I told you about,” Ben continued, “the feeling in my gut… When I was younger, when I was here before, I found out how to make it go away, but it’s not very nice. I have to do something that I know other people might consider bad, or wrong, or… wicked in some way. Evil.”

“What are you trying to tell me?” Jack asked cautiously.

“Haven’t you worked it out already?”

“I need you to say it.”

“But then you’ll help me, right?” Ben pleaded. “I put on this shit-eating grin all the time and I act like nothing matters, like it all washes over me, and I joke around, but inside… Inside, man, I’m falling apart. Please, don’t judge me…”

“Just tell me the truth,” Jack continued, “and I’ll help you get the help you need.”

“I can’t say it,” Ben replied.

“You have to.”

“I can’t.”

“Ben, you
have
to,” Jack hissed, keeping his voice down. “There’s no -”

“There you are!” Audrey shouted, with a gin and tonic in her hand as she appeared in the doorway. “My two darling sons, why are you -”

“Not now, Mum,” Jack said firmly, keeping his eyes fixed on Ben.

“Don’t tell her,” Ben whispered.

“You boys, always so -”

“Not now!” Jack said again, turning to her with anger in his eyes. “Mum, please! We need a minute!”

She paused, clearly starting to understand that something serious was happening, before muttering a few choice words and heading back through to join the others.

“Thank you,” Ben whispered, as a tear ran down his cheek. “I don’t want her to ever know. It’d fucking kill her.”

“Start by telling
me
,” Jack replied. “Everything. In your own words.”

“When I get that tight feeling in my gut,” Ben whispered, “the only way to make it stop is… It’s not their fault. It’s never their fault. I don’t know why I’m wired this way, Jack, but I just have to find a girl, any girl, and…” Pausing, he looked down at his trembling hands. “Do you know how it feels when a puncture wound in a human body lets blood spurt out onto you? Do you know what it’s like to witness the light go out in someone’s eyes?”

Jack stared at him, barely able to believe what he was hearing.

“Do you know what it’s like,” Ben continued, “to kill someone?” He stared at his hands for a moment longer, before meeting his brother’s horrified gaze. “Four women, Jack. Four women in a decade and a half. It would have been so many more, but I held back. I need you to understand that, brother. I worked so,
so
hard to restrain myself. There were times when I was fucking curled up in a ball on the floor, shaking with pain, forcing myself to stay inside and not go out to kill again. That’s why there were such long gaps, I tried to train myself, like a monk, to ignore my urges, but sometimes… Sometimes they were just too strong. And now I’m scared – no, I’m fucking
terrified
– that it’s going to happen again. After the girl at the bar the other night, I don’t want to kill any more people.”

They stood in silence for a moment.

“Jack?” Ben whispered finally. “Do you hate me? Aren’t you going to say something? You were right all along, I killed those girls, and I’m going to do it again and again until I’m stopped, because I can’t stop myself!”

He waited, but there was no reply.

“And do you know what I do immediately after I’ve killed them?” he continued.

“What?” Jack asked, his voice trembling with tension. “Jesus Christ, Ben, what do you do?”

“I pray,” Ben replied, wiping more tears from his eyes. “Does that surprise you? Me! I actually pray! I open the wooden doors on the little Jack shrine in my crumby apartment, and I kneel in front of my photos of you…” He stared at Jack for a moment longer, and finally he allowed his smile to return, spreading quickly across his face. “And I ask God why, oh why, he couldn’t make me be like you. I have lots of photos of you, ones where you look particularly strong and moral.” He began to chuckle to himself. “I weep and I moan,” he added, raising his hands toward the kitchen’s low ceiling, “and I beg him, I sob, I ask why he couldn’t make me such a fine, upstanding citizen, instead of this weak and cowardly murderer that everyone -”

“You’re full of shit,” Jack replied, interrupting him.

“Why God, why? Why can’t I be normal and decent like my saintly brother Jack?”

Jack shook his head.

“No, it’s true,” Ben continued, taking a step back and grabbing his beer, before taking another swig. “I ask God, why -” Bursting out laughing, he finally tried to compose himself again. “I ask why can’t I be like you. That’s all I want in life, that’s all anyone -”