Authors: Samantha Towle
He rubs his hands over this face, and sighs. “I’ve been going over, and over this in my mind and I just can’t get my head round it. It’s just – I don’t know – really fucking surreal.”
“
I know how hard it must be for you.”
His eyes snap up at me. “Do you? Do you really? Because honestly, I don’t think you even comprehend just how big a fucking bombshell this is to drop on me, especially after everything we talked about, after everything we’ve said to one another.” He closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath.
My eyes start to sting.
“
I have some questions,” he states calmly.
“
Okay,” I say nervously, unsure as just what to expect.
He crosses his arms over his chest. “You said you were with my dad after he died?”
“
Yes.”
“
Was he – is he okay?”
“
Yes, he’s fine.” I wipe away a stray tear. “He loves you a lot, you’re the most important thing in the world to him, and he just wants you to be happy. He stayed there with you, James, in the hospital room, for as long as he could, until it was time for him to go.”
He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. It’s a long moment before he speaks again. “And the night of the crash, what happened?”
“
I wasn’t there when you actually crashed, I arrived just afterwards. I mean I didn’t know it was you until it had already happened, that’s how it works – we don’t receive the name of the hu–person we’re to go to until a few minutes before they’re, well – before they’re supposed to die. But I had to save you. I couldn’t just leave you to die. And, like I said earlier, I somehow took on this human like form and pulled you from your car, and I have remained the same ever since, not returning to how I was before. And . . . the rest you know.”
“
When you say ‘human like form’ what exactly do you mean?” His questioning stare is staid fixed on me.
I look down, feeling unnerved. “I mean I’m here, I’m me, I look just like I did to others of my kind – I think. But whilst my body looks human, essentially I’m not. I don’t – can’t sleep, or breathe, or eat. I don’t have a – heartbeat.” I cringe as I say those words. “I’m not mortal like you are. I don’t need those things to sustain myself.” I glance up at him. His eyes are still on me, unmoving.
“
But all those things aside,” I add quietly, “I feel human. I mean I have feelings like you do. I can touch things, and be touched, and feel all the sensations that brings –” I tail off.
He says nothing. Just continues to stare at me, an unfathomable expression on his face.
I feel awkward, unsure what to do. And even though we're only a few feet apart, the space dividing us feels heavy and fraught, like a deep dark chasm that’s pulling me in.
“
What should I do?” I ask.
His expression goes blank. “What do mean?”
“
I mean should I leave?”
“
Well that’s up to you.”
“
Do you want me to leave?”
“
Do you want to leave?”
“
Of course I don’t want to leave!” I cry. Tears once again prick at my eyes. “But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say – what I can do or say to make this better. You tell me and I’ll do it. If you want me to leave, then I will. I just want you to be happy, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. And if my leaving will do that, then I’ll go.” I look around the empty space surrounding me, needing support, needing something to cling to, so I cling to the only thing I can – myself.
For a moment James just stares at the ground, then he looks up at me and shakes his head.
I shrug, exasperated. “No? No – you don’t want me here, or no – you do?”
“
For fuck's sake!” He slams his hand on the door frame, and looks away angrily. I daren’t speak for fear of reprisal, and just like that I’ve had enough. So I make the decision for him but he’s blocking my exit.
I walk toward him, gesturing for him to move, but he doesn’t. He stands there, his stare intense.
I’m instantly weakened but I hold my nerve. “What do you want?” I ask again, my voice filling up the silence surrounding us.
His eyes move to my lips. My whole body starts to tremble.
He moves closer to me and puts his hands around my face, cradling it. I can feel the heat from his body flowing straight into mine and it’s like the entire world has shrunk down to this one moment.
“
You,” he simply utters. “I want you.”
Then he’s kissing me, and this kiss feels different, more intense. Everything seems magnified. I’m aware of absolutely everything. Every single subtle move he makes.
He pulls me into the house, us stumbling awkwardly, but not once do his lips leave mine. He backs me up against the kitchen table and effortlessly lifts me onto it as if I’m made of air, and places himself between my legs. Then his mouth moves from mine, to my neck, his tongue searching over my skin, then he’s kissing me again. His hands run down my back. My entire body’s aching for him.
“
I love you.”
I pull back in shock. “You love me?”
His eyes flicker and flame as he traces my lower lip with his finger. “How could I not.”
His lips are on mine again and we’re kissing intensely. His touch becomes more urgent, frenzied. He pulls me closer. His hips are pressing hard into mine.
“
I want you,” he says hungrily into my ear and, for the first time, I can honestly say I’m hungry too.
“
I want you, James.”
He doesn’t need a second invitation. He pushes my skirt up. I pull his t-shirt over his head, only breaking from our kiss to do so. My hands roam his smooth firm chest, the contours of his muscles defined with every movement he makes.
Everything about this is right. He loves me. I love him. And nothing else matters.
I trace my fingers over his stomach. A low groan emits from deep within him. I reach down to unbutton his jeans. He kisses me harder.
I want him so much. I feel like I’ve spent an eternity waiting for him, waiting for this, and I don’t want to wait a moment longer.
And that’s when the window starts to rattle.
James stops, startled, and glances around the kitchen. “What’s going on?”
I look around. The whole room is vibrating now. A glass falls off the kitchen surface smashing loudly against the hard floor.
Then I feel it.
Something’s forcing its way into my body and it’s painful, really painful. I cry out.
James’s wide eyes are on me. He looks afraid. “Luce?” He takes a step back.
I follow his stare, looking down at my body.
Oh no.
I’m changing. I’m losing solid form. I can see a sparkle beginning to escape from me. I’m going back to how I used to be. They’ve found me. They’re taking me home.
Panic stricken, I look back up at James. His eyes are on full alert.
“
Luce . . . what’s happening?” he says voice shaky.
“
They’ve found me.” I sob.
“
Who’s found you?”
“
The Elders.”
“
Who?”
“
My family. They’re taking me home.”
“
No.” He reaches for me as I do him but our hands pass right through one another’s. “No Luce! I can’t lose you!” The fear as evident in his voice as it is on his face.
“
I’m so sorry.”
His hands are in his hair. “You can’t go. I don’t want you to go.” His voice breaks. “It’s too soon. I can’t say goodbye to you.”
“
So don’t say goodbye.”
“
Say what, then?”
“
Tell me you love me.”
“
I love you,” he whispers.
“
I love you too. I’ll find a way back to you, I promise.”
I keep my eyes on his face, ensuring he’s the last thing I see.
Suddenly I’m in a meadow, the grass green and lush beneath my old sparkly feet. But it’s not home.
“
Hello, Lucyna.” I hear a voice I know so well come from behind me.
I spin around, startled. “Arlo?”
Chapter 16
No Going Back
Arlo stands before me, looking just as glorious as the last time I remember seeing him.
“
Arlo,” I repeat, this time more insistently. “What’s going on? Where are we? Where are the Elders?”
“
Lucyna,” he says voice cold, detached. “The Elders sent me to retrieve you from Earth to inform you that you are no longer allowed back home.”
“
Oh.”
His words sting me. He sounds so cold. So . . . inhuman. I know this is just his way but that knowledge doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Then I realise this is how I used to sound, how I used to come across to all those suffering humans, all of those who were drowning in their grief and loss. And I instantly feel glad that I’ve changed to who I now am. But then the reality of his words hit me, pulling me right back down with them.
“
I’m banished?” I stare at him, troubled.
“
Yes.” He nods formally, setting his golden hair shimmering around his face.
Banished.
I never even considered the possibility. Obviously I knew there would be consequences to my actions, but I was expecting an eternity stuck in Pure Land being kept away from all humans, being kept away from James. But never for a moment did I think they would banish me.
And suddenly I feel very alone.
I look into is bright green eyes. “Why are you here telling me this? Why not one of the Elders?”
“
They did not wish to see you,” he says holding my stare. “They requested I come to inform you. You are advised that you will still exist as you are, but you are no longer a Bringer or granted access to Pure Land. The privilege has been taken from you. It was taken the moment you chose to save the humans life.”
Suddenly I feel very angry. I straighten myself up. “Why did you bring me here to tell me this?” I gesture around, wondering just exactly where it is I am. “Why not tell me on earth?”
“
I was told not to leave you on earth in your prior state. I had to bring you back to your true form so you could see me.” He holds his hands together in front of him. “It has taken us some time to find you, Lucyna. There was no trace of your essence once you’d changed.”
Then I ask him the question I have pained over since it happened. “How did I change?”
He shakes his head. “We are not sure.”
It’s a long moment before either of us speaks. Then I say in a small voice, “So I can never again go home.”
“
No.”
And that’s it – final. The end of everything I know.
I’m panicked. I feel like I’m freefalling into a giant black hole. I have no home. What am I going to do? It’s one thing to not want to go back, but another thing entirely to have the choice taken from me.
And then it hits me. Why am I even concerned with this? I can finally have what I want; I can return to earth and be with James. Of course I will miss Pure Land, miss being a Bringer. But really what did that hold for me anyway? Just a sterile, cold, empty existence.
I think of James at home stood there in the kitchen and the sense of urgency I now feel for him relinquishes any other thoughts I could have, and there’s only one thing left for me to say.
“
I want to go back to earth, Arlo,” I state boldly. “Change me back to whatever I was before and send me back.”
Surprisingly to me, his brow furrows and a look of unease sweeps his face. His action not tying in with who he is – what he is.
“
Arlo?” I look at him confused.
He presses his lips together and smiles gently. “Lucyna,” he says voice suddenly sounding harmonious and caressing, like a melodic song, no longer cold and hard. “I had always hoped it wouldn’t come to this.” He spreads his palms out. “I had hoped to somehow spare you all of this.”
“
What – what are you talking about?” I’m well aware of how shaky my voice sounds but I’m not currently in a position to be able to disguise it.
He closes his eyes briefly whilst drumming his fingertips on his forehead. “There are some things you need to know before you make any decisions about where you want to be . . . and who you want to be with.”
My head is swimming with thoughts, questions. Disquiet bathes me and I instantly feel the need to get out of here because one thing I am absolutely certain of is that something is very wrong.
I take a step back, increasing the distance between us.
He smiles gently. “Lucyna, I’m only here to help you –”