The Burglar Who Studied Spinoza (5 page)

He spread his hands, sighed heavily. “Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Dozens of perhapses. I’m an old man, Bernard. Take the coin with you tonight and save me a headache. What do I need with the aggravation? I have enough money.”

“What will you try to sell it for?”

“I already told you I don’t know. You want a rough estimate? I shall pluck a figure out of the air, then, and say a hundred thousand dollars. A nice round number. The final price might be a great deal more or a great deal less, depending on circumstances, but you ask me to come up with a figure and that is the figure that comes to mind.”

“A hundred thousand.”

“Perhaps.”

“And our half would be fifty thousand.”

“And to think you made the calculation without pencil and paper, Bernard.”

“And if we take the cash tonight?”

“What sum did I offer? Fifteen thousand. Plus the twenty-five hundred I owe you for the earrings and the watch. That would total seventeen-five.” No pencil and paper for him, either. We were a couple of mathemati
cal wizards. “I’ll tell you what. Let’s deal in round numbers tonight. Twenty thousand dollars for everything.”

“Or twenty-five hundred now plus half of what you get for the coin.”

“If I get anything for it. If it proves to be genuine, and if I find someone who wants it.”

“You wouldn’t care to make it three thousand for the watch and earrings plus a split on the coin?”

He thought a moment. “No,” he said, “I wouldn’t want to do that, Bernard.”

I looked at Carolyn. We could walk away with ten thou apiece for the night’s work or settle for a little over a tenth of that plus a shot at wealth beyond the etc. I asked her what she thought.

“Up to you, Bern.”

“I just wondered what—”

“Uh-uh. Up to you.”

Take the money and run, a voice whispered in my head. Take the cash and let the credit go. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. The voice that whispers in my head isn’t terribly original, but it does tend to cut to the heart of the matter.

But did I want to be known as the man who got a hot ten grand for the Colcannon V-Nickel? And how happy would I be with my ten thousand dollars when I thought of Abel Crowe getting a six-figure price for it?

I could have topped his Spinoza quote.
“Pride, Envy
and Avarice are the three sparks that have set the hearts of all on fire.”
From the Sixth Canto of Dante’s
Inferno.

My heart burned from all three, not to mention the eclair and the Armagnac. “We’ll take the twenty-five hundred,” I told him.

“If you want more time to think about it—”

“The last thing I want is more time to think about it.”

He smiled. He looked like a benevolent grandfather again, honest as any man living. “I’ll be just a moment,” he said, getting to his feet. “There’s more food, more coffee, plenty to drink. Help yourselves.”

While he was in the other room Carolyn and I had one short drink apiece to toast the night’s work. Then Abel returned and counted out a stack of twenty-five bills. He said he hoped we didn’t mind hundreds. Not at all, I assured him; I wished I had a million of them. He chuckled politely.

“Take care of our nickel,” I urged. “There’s thieves everywhere.”

“They could never get in here.”

“Gordius thought nobody could untie that knot, remember? And the Trojans were suckers for a horse.”

“And pride goeth before a fall, eh?” He laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “The doormen are very security-conscious here. The elevator is always attended. And you have seen the police locks on my doors.”

“What about the fire escape?”

“It is on the front of the building, where anyone using it could be seen from the street. The window that opens onto it is secured by steel gates. I can assure you no one could get in that way. I only hope I could get out if there were ever a fire.” He smiled. “In any event, Bernard, I shall conceal the nickel where no one will think to look for it. And no one will know I have it in the first place.”

I
’m not entirely sure why I wound up spending what was left of the night at Carolyn’s. All that sugar and caffeine and alcohol, plus enough tension and excitement for your average month, had left us a little wired and a little drunk. It’s as well neither of us had any life-or-death decisions to make just then. I wanted her to come up to my place so we could split the money, but she wanted to be downtown because she had a customer coming by early with a Giant Schnauzer, whatever the hell that is. We couldn’t get a cab on West End Avenue, walked to Broadway, and ultimately kept the cab clear to the Village, where the driver was unable either to find Arbor Court on his own or to follow Carolyn’s directions. We gave up finally and walked a couple of blocks. I hope he didn’t squander his tip. Seventy years from now it might be valuable.

In Carolyn’s apartment we got the Chagall litho out of my attaché case and held it up to the wall above the wicker chair. (That was another reason I’d accompanied her downtown, come to think of it. So that the picture could travel south in my case.) It looked good but the mat was the wrong color, so she decided to take it to a framer before hanging it. She poured herself a nightcap while I divvied up the cash. I gave her her share and she fanned the bills and whistled soundlessly at them. She said, “Not bad for a night’s work, huh? I know it’s not much for burglary, but it’s different when your frame of reference is dog-grooming. You got any idea how many mutts I’d have to wash for this?”

“Lots.”

“Bet your ass. Hey, I think you owe me a couple of bucks. Or are you charging me for the Chagall?”

“Of course not.”

“Well, you gave me twelve hundred, and that’s fifty dollars short of half. Not to be chintzy, but—”

“You’re forgetting our expenses.”

“What, cabfare? You paid one way and I paid coming back. What expenses?”

“Spinoza’s
Ethics.
”

“I thought it came in with a load of books you bought by the yard. Or are you figuring on the basis of value instead of cost? That’s fair, I don’t care one way or the other, but—”

“I bought the book at Bartfield’s on Fifty-seventh Street. It was a hundred dollars even. I didn’t have to pay sales tax because I have a resale number.”

She stared at me. “You paid a hundred dollars for that book?”

“Sure. Why? The price wasn’t out of line.”

“But you told Abel—”

“That I got it for next to nothing. I think he believed me, too. I also think it got us an extra five hundred bucks for the watch and the earrings. It put him in a generous frame of mind.”

“Jesus,” she said. “There’s a lot I don’t understand about this business.”

“There’s a lot nobody understands.”

“Whoever heard of buying presents for a fence?”

“Whoever heard of a fence who quotes Spinoza?”

“That’s a point. You sure you don’t want a nightcap?”

“Positive.”

“Did you know the nickel was worth that much?”

“I had a pretty good idea.”

“You were so cool about it on the way up there. I had no idea it was worth a fortune.”

“I just seemed cool.”

“Yeah?” She cocked her head, studied me. “I’m glad we didn’t take the ten grand apiece and say the hell with it. Why not take a gamble? It’s not like I needed ten thousand dollars to get my kid brother an operation. How long do you think it’ll take him to sell it?”

“There’s no telling. He could move it tomorrow or sit on it for six months.”

“But sooner or later the phone’ll ring and we’ll find out we just hit the Irish Sweepstakes.”

“Something like that.”

She stifled a yawn. “I thought I’d feel like celebrating tonight. But it’s not really over yet, is it? It’s probably a good thing. I don’t think I’ve got the strength for a celebration. Besides, I’m sure to have a bitch of a sugar hangover in the morning.”

“A sugar hangover?”

“All that pastry.”

“You think it’s the sugar that’s going to give you a hangover?”

“What else?” She picked a cat off the couch, set him on the floor. “Sorry, fellow,” she told him, “but it’s bedtime for Mama.”

“You sure you don’t want the bed, Carolyn?”

“How are you supposed to fit on the couch? We’d have to fold you in half.”

“It’s just that I hate to chase you out of your own bed.”

“Bern, we have this same argument every time you stay over. One of these days I’ll actually let you have the couch and you’ll never make the offer again.”

So I took the bed and she took the couch, as usual and I slept in my underwear and she in her Dr. Denton’s. Ubi joined her on the couch. Archie, the Burmese, was restless at first, pacing the perimeters of
the dark apartment like a rancher checking his fences. After a few circuits he threw himself onto the bed, flopped against me, and got the purring machine going. He was great at it, but then he’s had all his life to practice.

Carolyn had had about three drinks to each of mine and they kept her from spending much time tossing and turning. In minutes her breathing announced that she was asleep, and in not too many more minutes she began emitting a ladylike snore.

I lay on my back, hands behind neck, eyes open, running the night’s events through my mind. However long it took Abel to sell the nickel and whatever price we ultimately received for it, the Colcannon burglary was over and we were clear of it. As unpromising as it had been at first glance, when I’d seen we were not the first burglars to pay a call, things had worked out rather well. The loot was out of our hands, all but a rather anonymous minor Chagall litho which, given the chaos in the Colcannon carriage house, might never even get reported. And if it did, so what? It was one of a series of 250, and who’d come looking for it on Carolyn’s wall anyway?

All the same, I put it in her closet when I awoke the next morning. It was around nine-thirty and she’d already fed herself and the cats and left for her Schnauzer appointment. I had a cup of coffee and a roll, tucked the litho away, let my attaché case keep it company
rather than carry my burglar tools to work with me. The sun was shining, the air fresh and clean, and instead of contending with the subway I could walk to work. I could have run, for that matter—I had the shoes for it—but why spoil a beautiful morning? I strode along briskly, inhaling great lungfuls of air, swinging my arms at my sides. There was even a point when I caught myself whistling. I don’t remember the tune.

I opened up around ten-fifteen and had my first customer twenty minutes later, a bearded pipe smoker who chose a couple volumes of English history. Then I sold a few things from the bargain table, and then trade slowed down enough for me to get back to the book I’d been reading yesterday. Old Spenser was still knocking himself out. This time he was doing bench presses, whatever they are, on a Universal machine. Whatever that is.

Two men in their forties walked in a little before eleven. They both wore dark suits and heavy shoes. One of them could have trimmed his sideburns a little higher. He was the one who walked to the back of the store while the other took an immediate and unconvincing interest in the poetry section.

I had Abel’s thirteen hundred dollars in my wallet, plus the thousand dollars I always carry on a job in case I have to bribe somebody. I hoped they would settle for the money in the register. I hoped the bulge under the jacket of the sideburned chap wasn’t really a
gun, and that if it was he wouldn’t decide to shoot me with it. I sent up an urgent brief prayer to Saint John of God, the patron saint of book-sellers, a framed picture of whom old Mr. Litzauer had left hanging in the office. No point praying to Dismas now. I was bookselling, not burgling.

There was nothing I could do but wait for them to make a move, and I didn’t have to do that for very long. They approached the counter, the one with the sideburns returning from the rear of the store, the other still clutching a volume of Robert W. Service’s verses. I had a flash vision of one of them shooting me while the other recited “The Cremation of Sam McGee.”

They reached the counter together. The Service fan said, “Rhodenbarr? Bernard Rhodenbarr?”

I didn’t deny it.

“Better get your coat. Want to talk to you downtown.”

“Thank God,” I said.

Because, as you must have guessed and as I should have guessed, they weren’t robbers after all. They were cops. And while cops may indeed rob you now and then, it’s uncommon for them to do so at gunpoint. And gunpoint is something I prefer not to be at.

“He’s glad to see us,” said the sideburned chap.

The other nodded. “Probably a load off his mind.”

“Sure. Probably up all night with guilt, aching to confess.”

“I think you’re right, Phil. Here’s a guy, small-time burglar, he’s in over his head. You look at his sheet, you can patch it together pretty good. He teamed up with somebody violent.”

“I’m right with you, Dan. Bad companions.”

“Do it every time. Now he’s probably up to his kidneys in guilt and remorse. He can hand us the partner, make him the heavy, turn state’s evidence and cop to a lesser charge. Good lawyer and the right attitude and what do you bet he’s on the street in three years?”

“No bet, Phil. Three years, four at the outside. You want to close the store, Bernie? We’ll just take a little ride downtown.”

The fog lifted slowly. I’d been so relieved at not being robbed that it took a minute or two to realize I was being arrested, which is no pleasure in and of itself. They were talking to each other as if I weren’t even in the room, but it was easy to see that I was the intended object of this merry little Phil-and-Dan patter. (Phil was the one with the sideburns, Dan the poetry lover.) According to their private script, I was supposed to be shaking in my Pumas even as they spoke.

Well, it was working.

“What’s it all about?” I managed to ask.

“Some people would like to talk to you,” Dan said.

“About what?”

“A little visit you paid last night to a house on Eighteenth Street,” Phil said. “A little unannounced call.”

Shit, I thought. How had they tagged us for Colcannon? My stomach turned with the beginnings of despair. It’s particularly disheartening to be charged with a crime, I’ve found, when it’s one you’ve committed. There’s rather less opportunity for righteous indignation.

“So let’s get going,” Dan said. He set the book of poems on the counter. I found myself hoping his last name was McGrew, and that Phil would shoot him.

I’d just opened the store and now I had to close it. “Am I under arrest?” I asked.

“Do you want to be?”

“Not especially.”

“Well, if you come with us voluntarily we won’t have to arrest you.”

That seemed fair enough. Phil helped me drag the bargain table inside, so I guessed that Dan ranked him. I locked the door and closed the gates, and while I was doing this they made the predictable jokes about a burglar locking up his own place, and how I didn’t have to worry about forgetting my keys. Real side-splitters, let me tell you.

Their car was a blue-and-white police cruiser. Phil drove while I sat in back with Dan. A couple blocks from the store I said, “What am I supposed to have done, anyway?”

“As if you didn’t know.”

“Right, as if I didn’t. It happens I don’t, so humor me. What’s the charge?”

“He’s cool now,” Dan said to Phil. “Notice how the professional attitude comes into play? He was nervous before, but now he’s cool as a pickle.” He turned to me and said, “There’s no charge. How can there be a charge? We didn’t arrest you.”

“If you arrested me, what would the charge have been?”

“Just hypothetically?”

“Okay.”

“Burglary, first degree. And homicide, first degree.” He shook his head. “You poor bastard,” he said. “You never killed anybody before, did you?”