Herman paid for his mirth, for it had stolen his son and his stamina. He
slept uncomfortably with Gerta in the room which she felt was much too small for the rest of
the night.
The guard, Stella found, managed in the morning to fulfill her final
obligation to the dead. The disbelief and anger were still on the fencer’s face as he was
carried from the house, saved by the grace of his own ill-luck and ill-will.
Jutta awoke with the vision of spectacles and hood still in the abbey room
and out of the weak unending dream, she heard the tinkle of the goodnight bell, while the
pain in her arms and legs was numbed by her victory; for Superior was gone.
“Jutta, Jutta, go to bed,” but she discounted that voice. The last authority
was gone. Superior, rebuffed, sat at her desk down the hall, unable to write, so angry, the
cowl that covered her fierce shaved head tossed aside on a chair. The waiting woman stared
in concern at the nun turned monk.
Jutta tried to move, but could not, and stayed for a moment, her face turned
to the floor, rising from the squeamish pit of the too-easy psalm and too-easy dying bone.
She opened her eyes. “There are enemies even within our own State,” she remembered and
wondered why the
Oberleutnant
didn’t stop Superior, and she was glad to know, being
allowed to wake once more, that life was not miraculous but
clear, not
right but undeniable. How narrow and small was the suffocating Superior with part of each
day spent bartering with the miraculous medal salesman. Jutta felt, being once more back in
the cell where Gerta put her, uncomfortably sick and very tired. She would try to reach the
cot.
The nunnery, high and safe within the meek heart, far from the blockade at
sea, rested confident and chaste in the middle of the night, spreading its asylum walls
outwards over a few bare feet of uninhabited dry earth. Safe, within the Allied querulous
dragnet, because a taste of faith was all the inmates knew, because over the years, the
hearts grew large and the stomachs naturally small, safe, with the cyclical event of mother,
girl, and vanity thrown out. The old white barn rocked gently in the cloudy night. The moss
had grown thin, turned brown, and died on the mud walls, water no longer trickled and grew
thick in the well, the sand could hardly lift itself through the halls at night on the
wind’s back, but still in the morning and evening, bells faithfully chimed out the remote
and tedious day. “Father, save me,” thinking of the girls, “from these merciless infidels,”
said Superior, and leaning forward, she shrouded herself in darkness and sat for a long
while with her pains and troubles by the window.
An oyster shell on the beach far away was shrouded in oil, coming in off the
treacherous tide. The dogs barked.
“Perhaps I should call a doctor,” thought the
Oberleutnant
bending
over the sick girl, but at that moment she stirred, and besides, he remembered, the old
horse that used to be in the stables and could have made the journey to the surgeon’s house,
was dead.
Jutta could not reach the cot, but slowly her anger and
childish pain brought her back from the fleece-lined pit, and at that moment, she heard the
bell in the tower ring three, heard Superior, who had rung it, padding back, feelings still
hurt, to sit by the window. With a sudden lucky gesture, Jutta turned her head upwards, and
in the dim light stared at the uncovered masculine chest of the
Oberleutnant
as he
bent down, watching her on the floor.
Then, that night, she passed the crisis, and breath by breath, though
scrutinized and unloved, she assumed more of life, still alone, more silent, colder than
ever.
A few months after the death of Ernst, Stella gave birth to her fragile
son, and while she was still on the bearing bed, Gerta and Herman took the child from her,
carried it and kept it, down in the first-floor dark pleasure room where they had failed
together that first night. Food became more scarce, and Stella never forgave the old woman
for the stolen son. Hearing the dogs howling around the station at the port of entry to the
grave, she thought, once more, of singing. The Christ carving had disappeared.
All during the day the villagers had been burning out the pits of excrement, burning the fresh trenches of latrines where wads of wet newspapers were scattered, burning the dark round holes in the back stone huts where moisture traveled upwards and stained the privy seats, where pools of water became foul with waste that was as ugly as the aged squatter. These earthen pots were still breathing off their odor of burned flesh and hair and biddy, and this strange odor of gas and black cheese was wafted across the roads, over the fields, and collected on the damp leaves and in the bare night fog along the embankment of the
Autobahn
. This smell not only rested over the mud, but moved, and with every small breath of air, the gas of mustard, soft goat pellets and human liquid became more intimate, more strong and visible in reddening piles. One’s own odor could always be sifted out and recognized, a disturbingly fresh stream in the turning ash, a personal mark that could be sniffed and known after midnight, sometimes as if the tongue were poking in the incinerator and the warm air curling about the hewn seat.
The three of us waited by the side of the road, stockingless feet burning and itching in our unlaced shoes, plucking at nostrils, listening to a wasted mongrel paw the leaves, hearing an occasional tile slide from a roof and fall to the mud with the swishing
of a tail. The flats turned away before us, unpeopled, dark, an occasional shell-case filling with seepage, the fingers of a lost glove curling with dew. Behind us the ghosts left the stalled tank and filed downward toward the canal.
“He’s late,” said Fegelein.
“Yes.”
“No sleep for us then.”
“Wait, have patience,” I answered.
We crowded invisibly together with the road high overhead that extended far beyond this edge of town, and there were no precision transits or plumb lines to point the kilometers of travel or show the curve on the map where the blank spot of this town would be. We never ventured away, though we still wore the grey shirts and had signed our way to the outside world.
“It’s a good machine he’s riding,” said Fegelein.
“Don’t worry. I won’t shoot at it.”
“Good.”
“Remember, no talking. Stintz would be sure to say something when the next rider comes through in a month looking for this one.” I constantly had to give commands.
“In a month we’ll be ready.”
“Yes.”
“And the motorbike will be useful.”
“Yes.” I had to humor them.
In every town there are a few who, though they don’t remember how it came about, or how they returned, or when they went away, or what the enemy expects, gather together in the night to rise again, despite the obstacle of their own people or the swarming invader. Behind us the town grew smaller; the sleepers were cold and numberless.
“No one will see?”
“No,” I answered.
“I don’t want to go forward tonight; you mustn’t make me …”
“Stop that. You know there isn’t any forward.”
“I’m sorry.”
The cold night air quickened my hunger, and I put the thought out of mind, concentrated on the hunched man in goggles and helmet. Once the old horse clattered by above our ears and then moved off as if he smelled nothing, neither fresh grass nor humans nearby.
Jutta’s child watched in the window, her sharp eyes darting this way and that among the shadows, hands folded in her lap, knees drawn together, small and wide awake as children who follow the night very long after the usual time to sleep, quickened and tense with the unexpected hours, wretched small keepers. But she did not see her brother, the fairy, nor any forms crawling along the street among the ends of broken pipe. She watched for a light, a swinging lantern, or any recognizable animal or man in the bare branches and felt that she must wait and watch, for she knew that all were not asleep. She waited for Jutta as a child would, and saying nothing she called her mother home. What was the hour? No one could know because there were no clocks. She knew the time by intuition, this dark time, as a thing that ended only with sleep. She knew that one could never see the morning come, and only by turning away, by hiding, would the night leave. For a long while it had been quiet below, from the time Herr Stintz stopped playing his horn until now, and by a few unnatural sounds, the rustling of cloth, the dropping of a shoe, she knew
he was no longer asleep. He was fetching his stick. Jutta didn’t like him either, because he could commit no crime nor act strongly, but could only bring harm. The child heard the splash of water and then waited, hearing him walk the length of his cage and unlock the door.
The fairy, out of sight, was running for his life. She was afraid to look at him and barely made a gesture as if to touch the window, thinking to strike up a light.
“It’s very late for a little girl to be out of bed, away from the covers, the nice warm quilt.”
“I’m waiting for my brother.”
“But you should sleep, because the moon doesn’t like little girls to look into his bed. The moon sleeps in the world, a very strong man, and God has given him no covers.”
“He’s not sleeping tonight.”
Mr. Stintz could only bring harm; she knew he carried the stick, but knew that little girls were safe because they were the ones who waited and never moved. If she moved, the paw would break off her wing and catch her by the leg.
“Oh,” she said, “there’s my mother.”
“Why don’t you,” he said, “why don’t we look for the moon quickly?”
She heard the door shut gently. Death is in the breaking of a lock, a cut in the skin, it comes with a cough and leaves before the plaster is dry on the chest. Stintz drove the boys in the rain and made the girls repeat and repeat their lessons in the old schoolroom, and no one spoke to him in the streets. “Madame Snow told me to die …” Then she saw something more wonderful than mother, something unknown but unmistakable. A light flashed in the
distance, and as she watched, it drew closer, a thin quavering beam that seemed to be searching its way out of the darkness. This was what she had waited for and now she no longer watched for her brother but crept off under the covers. It was as if she had just visited the empty apartment on the second floor.
“Good night,” she heard her mother say.
The three of us leaning against the clay bank were all that remained of the shadows of sentries, were primal, unordered, unposted sentries, lounging against the earth without password, rifles or relief. The sharp foreign voice had disappeared from the dark road and unlighted doorway, the rolls of wire, the angry tones, the organized guards were gone. Though unmistakable signs remained, a trampled package of woodbines, a tossed-off canteen, a piece of white webbing, these scraps still littered the floors of sheds or hung in the room corners where white women lay. The keepers, who had asked for papers, swore only with one word, lighted the night with red, and confiscated bicycles, and had moved on to the hunting ground of rodents. And we, the three shadows who remained, gaunt for the great land, dependent on the enemy’s tin cans to squat in, waiting in our black unbuttoned coats and peaked caps, were sentries of the civilians, unemployed during the day, plotting for the greatest good by night.
The American on the motorcycle knew no more of the country that his eagle-colonels scourged, than did his free-eyed sergeants, roving in their green work clothes. He traveled along hypothetical lines of communication that chased miles beyond the end of the war and he had beer at each stopover. Desperation
was not for this plains-rider, bouncing over once endless roads with his sack filled with unintelligible military scrawl, columns of figures, personal resentments, not for this oblivious traveler whose only communication was silence to the dark countrymen and “hi-ya, Mac” to his listless fellows. From the littered fields and overhanging branches, from the town library charred and unpurged, from the punctured rubber rafts plugging the canal, to the hanging mouths, to the enemy colors, to the unexploded traps, to the drunk official and black pox, it was an unrecognized, unadmitted, unnamed desperation that persisted beyond the tied prostitute and enemy news, beyond the cadaverous houses and American outposts, to give strength to us, the hovering sentries, to bring words to the lolling historians. Poison their camps, if only in a quip or solitary act.
I thought of it during each day in the newspaper office and thought of it against the mud-bank; life is not the remarkable, the precious, or necessary thing we think it is. The naked dark pawing of that eternal old horse who lingered on through no fault of his own, bereaved and unquiet in the night, told me that. And with the hoarded, secret sailor’s black rum running through my mind, heaped about by past years’ correspondence, dead letters, by fragments of broken type, I knew that the tenant was the law. For the final judgment the tenant must build the house and keep it from sliding into the pool, keep it from the Jew’s claw or the idealist’s pillaging.
You can ask no man to give up his civilization, which is his nation. The old must go, stagger over the failing drawbridge, fall down before the last coat of arms. I thought Madame Snow too old to understand,
I thought she should wither away and die, with her long, false, flaxen hair, because I thought she would run rattle-tattle through the night for preservation. Here I was wrong, since she was the very hangman, the eater, the greatest leader of us all. Death is as unimportant as life; but the struggle, the piling of bricks, the desperate attempts of the tenant; that is the man of youth, the old woman of calm, the nation of certainty.
I brushed the hair away from my ears, relaxed against the earthen wall, smelled the flowering manure.
“Soon?” Even old Stumpfegel was impatient.
“Certainly. Have patience.”
The child was not yet asleep, the drains were running foul to the basement, the Mayor dreamed, heaping one on another all the atrocities his old heart could dig up, so that they rolled in a paroxysm in his throat. The windows were shut, but he could not guard against the tottering dreams—for honoring the dead he must die. An attempt to stir himself with his own hand, since his wife was long gone, was, like the ventures of foraging children, like their touch to the self, a breath of suicide. Long after he was disturbed by the noise under the window, the dream returned and forced its way, lifelike, before his eyes as if he were awake. Dream after dream the voices and horses were the same, though they wore many figures, the Priest mixed up with the Officer, his own dead wife firing the rifle, a peculiar child pronouncing verdict as the Judge, the onlooking crowd all dressed as the condemned man. But the voices were distinct, and waking he would forget that they had calmly passed sentence, enemies and friends—guilty in the eyes of his own State.
He had betrayed the country only through his conscience …
Madame Snow held Balamir’s hand.
The child could not sleep and listened to the mother’s breathing.
Dancers wearied and each time the record stopped, the silence made them anxious.
The wind struggled and sighed and could go no farther than the edge of the canal.
A cow with its eyes shut clawed at the empty board walls of a barn with teeth like a hare but found no straw.
The boy had gotten himself lost in underworld tunnels, caught between hanging floors and rolls of wire, and he caught his pants on a bent thick nail.
The Duke followed closely in his step, cane raised sharply in the darkness, feeling his way carefully into the blind hole, and it began to rain. The tall man followed the boy through the gaping plaster wall and found himself in the theater. Madame Snow’s one-legged son and noiseless wife were somewhere overhead near the projection room. The boy traveled in circles among the thousands of molding seats while rain trickled down the sloping floor and a field telephone covered with dust looked like an enormous trap on a chain. The theater grew darker. Carefully the Duke followed the shadows, slid like an elder actor to the ticket-seller’s booth and doffing his hat stepped through the door and waited, surrounded with black glass, rolls of wet tickets, a red handkerchief. A rotted playbill masked his face. He saw something walk across the stage in false breasts and tights, heard the boy drawing fitfully near.
“… It is you who will die,” said the Priest to the Mayor. That had been the day when the motorcycle rider and the rest of the Allies had first passed through
Spitzen-on-the-Dein
. The convoy crept up the long bright highway through the snow, through the handful of silent watchers, down the main street like a centipede with the motorcycle first, followed by the jeep, ending with proud band of four riflemen. An American colonel and two corporals rode in the jeep, an automatic rifle propped in the back seat, their canteens filled with rum, and the dispatch-rider in the lead wobbled from side to side and waved the children off, flurries of snow shooting up behind him.
“So this is Germany,” said the Colonel, and leaning out from behind the cold wheel he blew his whistle and the convoy stopped. Before the eyes of the crowd he got out and fastened a slender wire-cutter to the smoking radiator, then with a final quick word to the motorcycle man they made their way to the center of town, pulling on their mufflers, eyes frozen ahead. On the floor of the jeep beneath the jutting rifle, they carried their black robes and a few sealed envelopes. The foot-soldiers alternately ran and walked to keep warm.
By the middle of the afternoon they had stripped Madame Snow’s apartment and established a headquarters, of three maps, a table and chair, temporary seat of American representation in the evil zone. The jeep was under a tarpaulin in the rear garden in the shed, the four troops billeted in the hall, and the dispatch rider was standing guard over his still warm machine. Through the uncurtained window, glancing for a moment from the red envelopes, the Colonel saw the sky darken for snow, and worried,
he peered at his highly secret route through the nation, studied the undecipherable diagram and code. Satisfied, he signaled the corporal who quickly brought forth the three robes. The Colonel, short, heavyset, graduate of a technical institute, a brilliant engineer, thought in dotted parabolas, considered in fine red lines, and while lonely, overworked, and short in the knees, directed the spreading occupation. Except for the silver eagle sewn above the pocket of his black robe, he might have been the foreman of a jury pointed out to speak before the supreme law. Once more he carefully read the letter of instruction, tapped his pen on the bare wood, then dropped the paper into the heater in the corner, an open can of flaming petrol. The Mayor, Herr Stintz and myself stood in a comer, as there was no anteroom, watching these preparations, while out in the cold alone, walking up and down, waited Miller, the prisoner, thinking of the sweet children and his fair wife.