The Cat's Job (7 page)

Fallan closed his mouth around the
Words, his face showing white against the black beard.

"What will you give, friend Fallan,
for this object?"

"Your life." Fallan forced a smile.
"Lay it down and go free."

The little man laughed. "Come now, am
I a fool? Holding this, I think I might walk with impunity anywhere
in this keep. Name another price."

"What might any man -- wizard or no --
give the King of the Cats?"

"Fair words. Perhaps you do not value
it as highly as I had thought."

Fallan shrugged. "It has some small
worth. Approximately equal to your life, as I have said. But
another may always be crafted."

"So?" Both brows were raised. "It
seems I chose a poor hostage. Forgive me." He let the crystal
go.

Fallan cried out, Words forming of
themselves. The crystal's descent was arrested a scant inch from
the slate floor. Sweating heavily, the mage caused it to waft to
safety and wedge itself between two jewel-encrusted spell
books.

Shaking, he turned to deal with the
King of the Cats.

But the small man had slid from his
perch and was busily pulling jars from the poisons cupboard, mixing
the contents of one with another, indiscriminately,
disastrously.

"Begone, you misbegotten creature!"
screamed Fallan, lost to all but his rage. "Begone from here and
never come again! I ward you from this world forever. Begone,
begone, be--"

Val Con saw the balled lightning leap
from the magician's staff, and stilled his impulse to dodge. He
felt heat enter him, expand him, begin to unravel him --

Miri
!

* * *

"Val Con!"

He blinked, felt the heat of that
which pursued him and jumped, slamming into Miri, covering her with
his body as they rolled, shielding her from the --

FLASH! Poof...
BOOM
!!

After a time he moved, cautiously, and
heard the tinkle and crunching of glass.

"Val Con?" a small voice murmured in
the vicinity of his left ear.

"Yes."

"Can we get up now?"

"I think so." He shifted; knelt.
"Yes."

"Good." She knelt as well, combing
fingers through wild red hair as she surveyed the room. "Some
party. Wish I remembered more of it."

He grinned and waved a hand at the
remnants of the platform. "What was that?"

"A funnel. To get you back. I can show
you the math." She cocked a suspicious gray eye.
"Worked."

"So it did," he said, and reached out
to touch her face.

#

Some time later, when they were both
on the edge of sleep, Miri shifted next to him and
murmured.

"Val Con-husband?"

"Yes, cha'trez."

"I bought the hyatt."

"So? Did you fire the
manager?"

She grinned. "Naw. I thought about it.
Then I thought that one of the changes I'll be making is to open up
a wing especially for mercenaries. Figured I'd put him in charge of
that."

"Not too bad a notion," conceded her
husband, curling closer and nestling his cheek against her hair.
"I'm sure he'll learn quite rapidly."

* * *

Kinzel stretched and smiled at the
setting Moon. Cats, curious about surroundings, about sounds, about
glitters and gleamings in the pre-dawn sky, had wandered off, by
ones, twos and sevens. His staff purred contentedly in his
hand.

From the west, a breeze arose, telling
tales of the ocean, hinting of the further shore; of dragons,
perhaps, or of a King reunited with his Queen.

Kinzel smiled and stepped out --
westward, for lack of a reason to walk in another direction, and
whistling.

All was Right with the
world.

In almost every society devised by
human beings there is an emphasis on position. The relationship of
one individual to another and to society at large is very carefully
calibrated; rank has some prerogatives not allowed those without
rank.

One of the most curious attempts at
ranking is the invention of the Western mind. I don't mean the
rather obvious ranks of military designations: those have
equivalents everywhere.

The invention I'm thinking of came
about in the mid to late 1880s as a tool of the psychologist and
later were refined more and more until today they are seen by the
mass of humanity (at least in the Western world) as a real measure
of potential importance. Yes, the invention is the measurement of
Intellectual Quotient. The device is the I.Q. Test.

The funny thing is that man is not
content to rank himself within his group, but then must also rank
himself in relation to the other creatures abounding in this world
of ours.

So, having proven that one man or
woman may have more of whatever it is that I.Q. Tests measure than
another, scientists proceeded to use the tests, in varying forms,
on animals.

Thus we discover that young
chimpanzees have an I.Q. quite on the same order as that of young
humans. Also, we find that dolphins may (or may not) be at least as
bright as an average man, or that a horse is somewhat smarter than
an elephant and somewhat less smart than say, a chimp.

Assigning ranks of importance can give
a professor something to do, but it doesn't work in the real world,
especially not for tests developed through college students silly
enough to get themselves into the testing rooms of the
universities. Although there may be some utility to I.Q. tests,
what they are not good for is measuring the relative abilities of a
small full grown cat and a small child. Apples and oranges, the old
math reminder, is appropriate here.

Cats are our concern in this column.
Of all the creatures man has attempted to measure, cats may be both
the most appealing and the most unwilling to cooperate. While the
cat is probably the most alien intelligence on the face of the
earth after the dolphin, the cat at least shares the same
environment!

What we are proposing is an anecdotal
base for the start of real research into communicating with cats on
a reasonable basis. Most people who have lived with cats have run
into the cat's disconcerting ability to put across a viewpoint. A
cat will complain if ignored or leave the area if it wishes not to
be bothered. It will tell you quite loudly if it needs food, or if
the litter pan needs to be cleaned. Cat also show a remarkable
ability to learn things. They can open closets, turn doorknobs,
learn schedules, work together cooperatively, become accustomed to
a wide range of habitats, and discover the place a person will step
next and occupy it first. These are wondrous things.

These wondrous things probably break
down into groups of behaviors that could be studied properly. It
may be that experimenters who currently use cats for research are
as guilty of hurting intelligent creatures as those who use
chimpanzees. And now that man has learned that chimpanzees can
learn to communicate on a one-to-one basis it may be that it is
time for a serious attempt to be made to communicate with creatures
who may have grasp (if not an opposable thumb), who live on four
feet but who have managed to voluntarily live with man, with
creatures who already often vocalize for their own benefit, with
creatures who show that personality may be much more important than
intelligence tests when it comes to determining who is or isn't a
person.

We started by talking about position
and human societies and then pointed out that scientists are trying
to rank cats with dogs, dolphins, humans, and chimpanzees. Let's
get away from "ranking" and look at the basic question: can we show
cats to be people?

We are asking for stories – true
experiences – that will help us build a file of evidence pointing
toward cats as people. If you have a cat who opens doorknobs, let
us know. If you have a cat who steals or hides and collects special
things, let us know.

We are currently developing a report
form which will be used to help document things properly. Until the
form is complete we will ask for the following information: age and
sex of cat, if known, type of behavior, was it a regular or a one
time event, were there witnesses beside yourself who are willing to
corroborate your report.

You can help: our group is known as
IFPER, or The Institute for Feline Personality Research. IFPER will
use this column to report on some findings, but a more formal and
extensive listing of reports and progress will be made in our
quarterly journal, The IFPER Report.

#

[ Originally published in the November, 1979 issue
of
The
Star Swarm News,
Gaithersburg, Md. We have omitted obsolete PO
address, phone numbers, and editorial office location information.
The column was collaboration between Steve, Sharon, and Archie –
Sharon's cat of all work at the time. ]

Sharon Lee and Steve Miller are the internationally
celebrated co-authors of the best-selling Liaden
Universe
®
series and have been writing together since the first
"Kinzel" short stories hit
Fantasy Book
in the early 1980s. They started the
first Liaden novel in 1984 and have published thirteen novels and
several dozen short works in that series alone.

Along the way they've become fan
favorites at SF conventions in the US and Canada, with Guest of
Honor and Special Guest appearances at PenguiCon, COSine, AlbaCon,
Trinoc*con, ConDuit, MarsCon, ShevaCon, BaltiCon, PortConMaine,
SiliCon, Second Life Library, and elsewhere from California to
Fredericton to Orlando.

Their work has been published in the US by Baen, Del Rey,
Meisha Merlin, Ace Books, Phobos, and Buzzy Multimedia and they
have several foreign language publishers in Germany, Russia, and
Poland as well. Their short fiction, written both jointly and
singly, has appeared in
Absolute Magnitude, Catfantastic, Dreams of
Decadence, Fantasy Book, Such a Pretty Face, 3SF,
and several
incarnations of
Amazing
, among others.

Lee and Miller's work has enjoyed a number of award
nominations, with
Scout's Progress
being selected for the Prism Award
for Best Futuristic Romance of 2001 and
Local Custom
finishing second
for the same award.
Local Custom
was published by Buzzy Multimedia as an
audio book read by Michael Shanks --Stargate's Daniel.
Balance of
Trade
,
appeared in hardcover in February 2004 and hit Amazon.com genre
bestseller lists before going on to win the Hal Clement Award as
Best YA Science fiction for the year.

Their most recent Liaden novels are
Fledgling
published in
hardcover in September of 2009 and in mass market in March,
with
Saltation
(sequel to
Fledgling
) appearing in hardcover in April
and
Mouse and Dragon
also this year. Baen will also be reprinting the
original ten Liaden novels in four omnibus editions, with
The Dragon
Variation
out this June starting the reprint program. As usual, the
authors have several other works in progress, with Sharon's urban
fantasy
Carousel Tides
due out in November from Baen and the Liaden
novel
Ghost Ship
due out in January 2011.

Steve was Founding Curator of Science
Fiction for the University of Maryland's SF Research Collection as
well as Vice Chair of the Baltimore in 80 WorldCon bid, while
Sharon has been Executive Director, Vice President, and President
of the Science Fiction Writers of America; together they were BPLAN
Virtuals, an ebook publisher in the late 1980s. These backgrounds
give them a unique perspective on the science fiction
field.

We're reminded of an Anthony Trollope novel when it comes
time to start talking about Hexapuma and the Cat Farm and Confusion
Factory here in East Winslow because, frankly, all stories start
before you know it. Sometimes
years
before you know it.

Hexapuma, for those coming late to his
adventure, is a Maine Coon cat. Not just because we say so, but
because it is in his blood, blood traced back generations of
champion and grand champion Maine Coon cat lines. He has a heritage
of beauty and grace, and Coon cat talkiness; and he's even got
paper from not one, but two internationally recognized agencies
certifying him as a Maine Coon cat of distinction. Let's consider
him an athlete of sorts. His job initially was to stretch well, to
be alert, to be calm in front of a public. Like the big cats he so
much resembles, part of his job was to be regal.