The Champion (Racing on the Edge) (54 page)

“We need to think about this before we say something
we’ll regret. I need to go.” She replied calmly because I was inept in doing
so, and then she left. This time I just stood there until her actions caught up
with me.

“Sway,” I yelled after her but she never stopped.

I think I laid on the floor for close to an hour before I
realized I was lying in the middle of the hallway. I know that sounds pathetic but
if you knew our past and what lying to Sway meant, you’d understand my
frustration with myself and my option to just lay there.

“Are you all right Jameson?” the timid sound of Alley’s
voice made me look up from the floor. I shook my head at her question. I wasn’t
all right. No, I was far from all right.

Spencer, who walked in behind her sighed and put his hand
on my shoulder. “Sway left.”

She had every right to leave. I lied to her
...
I yelled at her
...
I deserved her leaving me. I was hardly the model husband here
and in the fifteen years we had been married, she came second to racing and she
never deserved that. I knew how Sway felt about these women and she had every
right to want the truth. I don’t know why I felt the need to lie because not
one advance had I ever acted on. I had nothing to lie about, but I did. I lied
because I never wanted her to know how bad it really was.

My eyes fell back to the floor. “Did she say where she
went?”

“Casten is racing in Williams Grove tonight.”

“Shit.” I scrambled to my feet. I remembered he asked me
to come with him the other night.

“Go talk to her and see your son’s race.” Spencer
squeezed my shoulder. “The longer you wait, the harder it will be.”

Alley stopped me at the door. “Jameson, you have an
autograph session in an hour followed by an interview with ESPN. You can’t
leave.”

“Fuck that, I need to see my son race and apologize to my
wife.”

“So you want me to call up Simplex and tell them what?”

“Jesus Christ!” I threw my arms up in the air. “I can’t
be in two places at once.”

“I’ll go watch Casten and talk to Sway.” Spencer offered.

“I’d rather you didn’t.” I clipped. Spencer meant well
but I just wasn’t in the mood. Besides the last time Spencer intervened in an
argument we had, I ended up doing more apologizing.

There was no way out of the obligations and I knew it. If
I cancelled, I had to re-schedule and with everything else, I just didn’t have
time.

So Spencer once again went to Casten’s race, where Sway
was. Spencer, Van and Aiden saw my kids more than I did these last few months.
I was once again battling for the chase these year and time wasn’t on my side.

I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit in my time but nothing
compared to the way I felt knowing Sway didn’t want me around. After my
interview and autograph session, I flew to Williams Grove but Sway had already
left back to Mooresville with Casten. On the way there, I called.

“Sway?”

“Jameson, what are you doing?” she asked in confusion,
the hum from the jet caused static on the line making it hard to hear her soft
voice.

“Well, I tried to catch you guys in Williams Grove but I
just missed you. I’m on my way to Mooresville now.”

“We’re not there.”

“Where are you?”

She was silent for a few moments. “I took Arie and Casten
back to Washington for a little while.”

“Then I’ll come there.”

“No, you have to be in Richmond on Wednesday. It’s
Tuesday. You don’t have time.”

“I’ll make time.” I quickly said. “Practice isn’t until
three.”

Again, there was a silence on the other end before I
could hear her sniffle. “Jameson, I just need some time to think.  Stay in
Mooresville for now.”

“Sway,” my voice broke as I tried to catch my breath.
“Honey please, I need to see you. I can’t leave it like this.”

“And I need to be alone right now.”

“For how long?” I pressed getting impatient. I was
finding it hard to breathe so I leaned forward in the captain’s chair. My hands
obsessively ran through my hair. “How long?” I asked again when she didn’t
answer.

“I
...
don’t know.”

“So that’s it?” I snapped. “I don’t get to say nothing in
this?”

“I told you why I needed to think and as my husband, I
hoped that you could see that.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Okay stop!” she snapped. “Stop being an asshole. I don’t
want to see you right now. You lied to me, again. I asked you if someone was in
there, you said no. I saw her. All you had to do was tell me the truth. Just
like in Texas when that girl kissed you. You told me she didn’t and then I see
a picture of her kissing you. Or what about the time in Vegas when you woke up
with a woman in your bed? You denied it and then I later found out why she was
in there. I know that wasn’t your fault. Or what about the drink you had with
Nadia in the bar that I had to hear about from her? I don’t understand if you have
nothing to hide, why do you lie about it?”

“Because
...
I never
wanted to hurt you,”

“But you did! Lying to me hurt worse than knowing. You of
all people should understand why that hurts me. I know you don’t sleep with any
of them. Hell, the entire time we’ve been together I’ve never seen you give
another woman an ounce of attention but you can’t tell me the truth.”

The line was silent for a moment before I finally made it
worse, “I don’t know what you want me to say. I said I was sorry.”

“And I said I needed time to think.”

“Think about what?”

“Everything,”

“Are you
...
thinking
of leaving?” The dead silence said it all. I lost it. “Goddamn it Sway, answer
me!”

I threw the water bottle I had been tossing around in my
hand across the cabin. I never meant to yell at her like that but the thought
of her leaving me was not an option.

“No I’m not, but I shouldn’t being treated like this,”
and she hung up.

“Sway?” I looked down at the receiver to see she did hang
up. I couldn’t blame her.

I wanted to drown my sorrows. I wanted to numb the pain I
was feeling but I also knew that wouldn’t solve anything. I had done that for
years and it had never worked in my favor anyway. This was all on me and I
needed to just face it.

Once I got home, I did have a beer, or two or maybe it
was three but who cares?

Axel was home, which surprised me. I hadn’t seen him in a
few weeks and thought for sure he was supposed to be in Terre Haute this week.

“What are you doing here?” I asked peeking inside his
room.

He was sitting on his bed staring down at his laptop.

“I don’t have to be to the track until Friday so I
thought I’d sleep in my own bed. Spencer just dropped me off.” He looked up
from his computer. “Where is everyone?”

“Elma.” I mumbled stepping inside his room to sit in the
beanbag in the corner.

“Elma?”

“Yes, that’s what I said.”

He looked at me confused for a moment and then raised his
eyebrows. “Are you two fighting?”

“You could call it that.”

“Care to talk about it.”

“Nope,” I took another swig of my beer. “She made it pretty
fucking clear what she wanted.”

“And that was?”

“Space
...
or
whatever,”

I eventually stopped talking. Axel didn’t need to hear
about my problems and he especially didn’t need to hear about my problems with
his mother.

“How was your race in Grand Rapids?”

Axel shrugged. “Won my heat, dash and took fourth in the
main.”

“Not bad.” I nodded taking another drink of my beer
before setting it down on his night stand. “I see you took over the points lead
last week though.”

“Yeah but Woods is only ten points behind me.”

Smiling at him, I chuckled softly. “You’ll get it.”

I spent the majority of the night sitting in his room
with him talking racing. Even though everything was so shitty with Sway, it
felt good to be alone with my son. I hadn’t realized how long it’d been since
we were together that way and eventually we found ourselves hovering over his
car looking for things that could give him a little more edge over Woods.

Knowing my wife the way I did, I knew she simply needed
some time to think. Sway never stayed angry with me, even when I deserved it.
That wasn’t Sway. But she did need space, or whatever.

23.
           
   Lapped Traffic - Sway

Lapped Traffic –
This refers to any cars that are not on the same lap as the leader.

Leaving Jameson in Vegas was difficult but I needed to do
it. The only way he was going to understand any of this was if I left him
alone. Being around me, he wouldn’t understand it.

I had my reasoning.

A few days after Arie, Casten and I flew out to
Washington. I was ready to go home. I made use of my time there though and took
care of any loose ends at the track. I also visited my parent’s grave,
something I hadn’t done in years.

Casten spent the morning at the track with some friends
while Arie and I snuck off to their gravesites.

We sat in comfortable silence before Arie glanced over at
me. “Does it ever get easier for you, mama?”

“No baby, but the pain fades eventually.”

Arie looked over at me, her eyes worried. “How old were
you?”

“I was six when my mom died and twenty-three when Charlie
died.”

“I don’t know what I would do without you and daddy.”

“I know
...
”

The kids never really needed comfort when it came to how
real the possibility was to them losing their father each week.

They never complained though. When I think about my kids
and the childhood they’ve had so far, I can’t think of any time when they’ve
said they feel neglected or they miss us. Jameson may race a lot and sure, we
don’t see him for weeks at a time but that’s always been our life. They don’t
know any different just like Jameson didn’t growing up.

All the things I loved about my childhood, my mom,
Charlie, I found those things in my life now
...
with
Jameson and our family.

I knew I shouldn’t be mad at Jameson for lying to me. He
was protecting me from the evil pit lizards. I understood that. But it hurt
that he didn’t feel he could tell me. Jameson knew me well enough to know I
wasn’t jealous of them. What made him think I couldn’t handle it?

No one wants a marriage to fail, who would? And no, I
didn’t think my marriage was a failure at all. All this just made me think
about it in general. Even a good marriage can fail but I like to think that it
began with a miracle. A miracle that should never be forgot.

You fell in love.

That is what you should always remember. Remember why you
fell in love. Remember that feeling you got when you knew you loved them and
remember the feeling you got when you knew they loved you back. That’s what
keeps the marriage from failing.

I remember the exact moment I fell in love with Jameson.
It was in the pits at Knoxville. I also remember when I finally realized he
loved me back that night in Savannah.

Even though Jameson lied to me, I respected why he did.
Just as my parents did, he was protecting me. Sure I wanted to be the judge of
that but as my husband, I knew why he did it and it meant nothing other than to
protect me.

That’s what I remembered when I thought of naked women
around Jameson. He was my husband. Anyone who knew us knew he only had eyes for
me.

Leaving probably wasn’t the best answer given the
circumstance. Jameson was over-systematical in everything he did. When I saw
the results from the Richmond race where he blew a motor after 40 laps, I
realized he’d over-systemized himself into blowing his engine. He did this when
he pushed himself too hard.

After a week in Washington, we flew home to face reality.

When I arrived back in Mooresville I stopped by the shop
to make sure Katie, the payroll manager for JAR Racing, had gotten all the
checks out to the boys on time. We paid the drivers, Justin, Tyler, and Cody on
the first and sixteenth of each month and last month she’d forgotten.

That never went over good so I decided to make sure she
hadn’t forgotten this month.

She wasn’t there but I found the paperwork that said
she’d taken care of it and even managed to get the rest of the staff on JAR
Racing’s payroll paid too.

As I was leaving, Nadia Henley caught me. She was driving
for Leddy Motorsports whose shop just so happened to be across the street from
us.

I wasn’t blind to the women around my husband. Obviously.
When Nadia started in the cup series, I thought of her as just another driver.

Jameson constantly had women drooling over him and last
week was a perfect example of the extents they would go to achieve his
attention. Any professional athlete, rock star or actor has women constantly
thriving for them to act on temptation. Why?

Because these were the people who lived a lifestyle most
only dreamed of having.

I saw the attention Nadia invested into Jameson and his
thoughts. She’d start off by asking for his advice at the track to which he was
willing to give. Then casually, she’d touch him. It could be as simple as
brushing her arm against his but still, she was going out of her way to touch
him. Something I didn’t appreciate it.

When I asked Jameson about her, I didn’t intend to accuse
him of any wrong doing. I knew he’d never cheat on me. But in the heat of the
moment, I asked anyway.

Now that I thought about it, it wasn’t Jameson that I
needed to talk to. If I had these feelings, I needed to go to the source and
that was Nadia.