“I hope it will be a happy light at last,” said Grace, who thought that Lily was referring only to John Eames.
At noon on the next day Lily had still said nothing to her mother about the letter; and then what she said was very little. “When must you answer Mr. Crosbie, mamma?”
“When, my dear?”
“I mean how long may you take? It need not be to-day.”
“No—certainly not to-day.”
“Then I will talk it over with you to-morrow. It wants some thinking—does it not, mamma?”
“It would not want much with me, Lily.”
“But then, mamma, you are not I. Believing as I believe, feeling as I feel, it wants some thinking. That’s what I mean.”
“I wish I could help you, my dear.”
“You shall help me—to-morrow.” The morrow came and Lily was still very patient; but she had prepared herself, and had prepared the time also, so that in the hour of the gloaming she was alone with her mother, and sure that she might remain alone with her for an hour or so. “Mamma, sit there,” she said; “I will sit down here, and then I can lean against you and be comfortable. You can bear as much of me as that—can’t you, mamma?” Then Mrs. Dale put her arm over Lily’s shoulder, and embraced her daughter. “And now, mamma, we will talk about this wonderful letter.”
“I do not know, dear, that I have anything to say about it.”
“But you must have something to say about it, mamma. You must bring yourself to have something to say—to have a great deal to say.”
“You know what I think as well as though I talked for a week.”
“That won’t do, mamma. Come, you must not be hard with me.”
“Hard, Lily!”
“I don’t mean that you will hurt me, or not give me any food—or that you will not go on caring about me more than anything else in the whole world ten times over—” And Lily as she spoke tightened the embrace of her mother’s arm round her neck. “I’m not afraid you’ll be hard in that way. But you must soften your heart so as to be able to mention his name and talk about him, and tell me what I ought to do. You must see with my eyes, and hear with my ears, and feel with my heart—and then, when I know that you have done that, I must judge with your judgment.”
“I wish you to use your own.”
“Yes—because you won’t see with my eyes and hear with my ears. That’s what I call being hard. Though you should feed me with blood from your breast, I should call you a hard pelican, unless you could give me also the sympathy which I demand from you. You see, mamma, we have never allowed ourselves to speak of this man.”
“What need has there been, dearest?”
“Only because we have been thinking of him. Out of the full heart the mouth speaketh—that is, the mouth does so when the full heart is allowed to have its own way comfortably.”
“There are things which should be forgotten.”
“Forgotten, mamma!”
“The memory of which should not be fostered by much talking.”
“I have never blamed you, mamma; never, even in my heart. I have known how good and gracious and sweet you have been. But I have often accused myself of cowardice because I have not allowed his name to cross my lips either to you or to Bell. To talk of forgetting such an accident as that is a farce. And as for fostering the memory of it—! Do you think that I have ever spent a night from that time to this without thinking of him? Do you imagine that I have ever crossed our own lawn, or gone down through the garden-path there, without thinking of the times when he and I walked there together? There needs no fostering for such memories as those. They are weeds which will grow rank and strong though nothing be done to foster them. There is the earth and the rain, and that is enough for them. You cannot kill them if you would, and they certainly will not die because you are careful not to hoe and rake the ground.”
“Lily, you forget how short the time has been as yet.”
“I have thought it very long; but the truth is, mamma, that this non-fostering of memories, as you call it, has not been the real cause of our silence. We have not spoken of Mr. Crosbie because we have not thought alike about him. Had you spoken you would have spoken with anger, and I could not endure to hear him abused. That has been it.”
“Partly so, Lily.”
“Now we must talk of him, and you must not abuse him. We must talk of him, because something must be done about his letter. Even it be left unanswered, it cannot be so left without discussion. And yet you must say no evil of him.”
“Am I to think that he behaved well?”
“No, mamma; you are not to think that; but you are to look upon his fault as a fault that has been forgiven.”
“It cannot be forgiven, dear.”
“But, mamma, when you go to heaven—”
“My dear!”
“But you will go to heaven, mamma, and why should I not speak of it? You will go to heaven, and yet I suppose you have been very wicked, because we are all very wicked. But you won’t be told of your wickedness there. You won’t be hated there, because you were this or that when you were here.”
“I hope not, Lily; but isn’t your argument almost profane?”
“No; I don’t think so. We ask to be forgiven just as we forgive. That is the way in which we hope to be forgiven, and therefore it is the way in which we ought to forgive. When you say that prayer at night, mamma, do you ever ask yourself whether you have forgiven him?”
“I forgive him as far as humanity can forgive. I would do him no injury.”
“But if you and I are forgiven only after that fashion we shall never get to heaven.” Lily paused for some further answer from her mother, but as Mrs. Dale was silent she allowed that portion of the subject to pass as completed. “And now, mamma, what answer do you think we ought to send to his letter?”
“My dear, how am I to say? You know I have said already that if I could act on my own judgment, I would send none.”
“But that was said in the bitterness of gall.”
“Come, Lily, say what you think yourself. We shall get on better when you have brought yourself to speak. Do you think that you wish to see him again?”
“I don’t know, mamma. Upon the whole, I think not.”
“Then in heaven’s name let me write and tell him so.”
“Stop a moment, mamma. There are two persons here to be considered—or rather, three.”
“I would not have you think of me in such a question.”
“I know you would not; but never mind, and let me go on. The three of us are concerned, at any rate; you, and he, and I. I am thinking of him now. We have all suffered, but I do believe that hitherto he has had the worst of it.”
“And who had deserved the worst?”
“Mamma, how can you go back in that way? We have agreed that that should be regarded as done and gone. He has been very unhappy, and now we see what remedy he proposes to himself for his misery. Do I flatter myself if I allow myself to look at it in that way?”
“Perhaps he thinks he is offering a remedy for your misery.”
As this was said Lily turned round slowly and looked up into her mother’s face. “Mamma,” she said, “that is very cruel. I did not think you could be so cruel. How can you, who believe him to be so selfish, think that?”
“It is very hard to judge of men’s motives. I have never supposed him to be so black that he would not wish to make atonement for the evil he has done.”
“If I thought that, there certainly could be but one answer.”
“Who can look into a man’s heart and judge all the sources of his actions? There are mixed feelings there, no doubt. Remorse for what he has done; regret for what he has lost—something, perhaps, of the purity of love.”
“Yes, something—I hope something—for his sake.”
“But when a horse kicks and bites, you know his nature and do not go near him. When a man has cheated you once, you think he will cheat you again, and you do not deal with him. You do not look to gather grapes from thistles, after you have found that they are thistles.”
“I still go for the roses though I have often torn my hand with thorns in looking for them.”
“But you do not pluck those that have become cankered in the blowing.”
“Because he was once at fault, will he be cankered always?”
“I would not trust him.”
“Now, mamma, see how different we are; or, rather, how different it is when one judges for oneself or for another. If it were simply myself, and my own future fate in life, I would trust him with it all to-morrow, without a word. I should go to him as a gambler goes to the gaming-table, knowing that if I lost everything, I could hardly be poorer than I was before. But I should have a better hope than the gambler is justified in having. That, however, is not my difficulty. And when I think of him I can see a prospect for success for the gambler. I think so well of myself that, loving him, as I do—yes, mamma, do not be uneasy—loving him as I do, I believe I could be a comfort to him. I think that he might be better with me than without me. That is, he would be so, if he could teach himself to look back upon the past as I can do, and to judge of me as I can judge of him.”
“He has nothing, at least, for which to condemn you.”
“But he would have, were I to marry him now. He would condemn me because I had forgiven him. He would condemn me because I had borne what he had done to me, and had still loved him—loved him through it all. He would feel and know the weakness—and there is weakness. I have been weak in not being able to rid myself of him altogether. He would recognise this after a while, and would despise me for it. But he would not see what there is of devotion to him in my being able to bear the taunts of the world in going back to him, and your taunts, and my own taunts. I should have to bear his also—not spoken aloud, but to be seen in his face and heard in his voice—and that I could not endure. If he despised me, and he would, that would make us both unhappy. Therefore, mamma, tell him not to come; tell him that he can never come; but, if it be possible, tell him this tenderly.” Then she got up and walked away, as though she were going out of the room; but her mother had caught her before the door was opened.
“Lily,” she said, “if you think you can be happy with him, he shall come.”
“No, mamma, no. I have been looking for the light ever since I read his letter, and I think I see it. And now, mamma, I will make a clean breast of it. From the moment in which I heard that that that poor woman was dead, I have been in a state of flutter. It has been weak of me, and silly, and contemptible. But I could not help it. I kept on asking myself whether he would ever think of me now. Well; he has answered the question; and has so done it that he has forced upon me the necessity of a resolution. I have resolved, and I believe that I shall be the better for it.”
The letter which Mrs. Dale wrote to Mr. Crosbie was as follows—
“Mrs. Dale presents her compliments to Mr. Crosbie, and begs to assure him that it will not now be possible that he should renew the relations which were broken off three years ago, between him and Mrs. Dale’s family.” It was very short, certainly, and it did not by any means satisfy Mrs. Dale. But she did not know how to say more without saying too much. The object of her letter was to save him the trouble of a futile perseverance, and them from the annoyance of persecution; and this she wished to do without mentioning her daughter’s name. And she was determined that no word should escape her in which there was any touch of severity, any hint of an accusation. So much she owed to Lily in return for all that Lily was prepared to abandon. “There is my note,” she said at last, offering it to her daughter. “I did not mean to see it,” said Lily, “and, mamma, I will not read it now. Let it go. I know you have been good and have not scolded him.” “I have not scolded him, certainly,” said Mrs. Dale. And then the letter was sent.
CHAPTER XXIV
Mrs. Dobbs Broughton’s Dinner-Party
Mr. John Eames, of the Income-tax Office, had in these days risen so high in the world that people in the west-end of town, and very respectable people too—people living in South Kensington, in neighbourhoods not far from Belgravia, and in very handsome houses round Bayswater—were glad to ask him out to dinner. Money had been left to him by an earl, and rumour had of course magnified that money. He was a private secretary, which is in itself a great advance on being a mere clerk. And he had become the particularly intimate friend of an artist who had pushed himself into high fashion during the last year or two—one Conway Dalrymple, whom the rich English world was beginning to pet and pelt with gilt sugar-plums, and who seemed to take very kindly to petting and gilt sugar-plums. I don’t know whether the friendship of Conway Dalrymple had not done as much to secure John Eames his position at the Bayswater dinner-tables, as had either the private secretaryship, or the earl’s money; and yet, when they had first known each other, now only two or three years ago, Conway Dalrymple had been the poorer man of the two. Some chance had brought them together, and they had lived in the same rooms for nearly two years. This arrangement had been broken up, and the Conway Dalrymple of these days had a studio of his own, somewhere near Kensington Palace, where he painted portraits of young countesses, and in which he had even painted a young duchess. It was the peculiar merit of his pictures—so at least said the art-loving world—that though the likeness was always good, the stiffness of the modern portrait was never there. There was also ever some story told in Dalrymple’s pictures over and above the story of the portraiture. This countess was drawn as a fairy with wings, that countess as a goddess with a helmet. The thing took for a time, and Conway Dalrymple was picking up his gilt sugar-plums with considerable rapidity.
On a certain day he and John Eames were to dine out together at a certain house in that Bayswater district. It was a large mansion, if not made of stone yet looking very stony, with thirty windows at least, all of them with cut-stone frames, requiring, let me say, at least four thousand a year for its maintenance. And its owner, Dobbs Broughton, a man very well known both in the City and over the grass in Northamptonshire, was supposed to have a good deal more than four thousand a year. Mrs. Dobbs Broughton, a very beautiful woman, who certainly was not yet thirty-five, let her worst enemies say what they might, had been painted by Conway Dalrymple as a Grace. There were, of course, three Graces in the picture, but each Grace was Mrs. Dobbs Broughton repeated. We all know how Graces stand sometimes; two Graces looking one way, and one the other. In this picture, Mrs. Dobbs Broughton as centre Grace looked you full in the face. The same lady looked away from you, displaying her left shoulder as one side Grace, and displaying her right shoulder as the other Grace. For this pretty toy Mr. Conway Dalrymple had picked up a gilt sugar-plum to the tune of six hundred pounds, and had, moreover, won the heart both of Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs Broughton. “Upon my word, Johnny,” Dalrymple had said to his friend, “he’s a deuced good fellow, has really a good glass of claret—which is getting rarer and rarer every day—and will mount you for a day, whenever you please, down at Market Harboro’. Come and dine with them.” Johnny Eames condescended, and did go and dine with Mr. Dobbs Broughton. I wonder whether he remembered, when Conway Dalrymple was talking of the rarity of good claret, how much beer the young painter used to drink when they were out together in the country, as they used to be occasionally, three years ago; and how the painter had then been used to complain that bitter cost threepence a glass, instead of twopence, which had hitherto been the recognised price of the article. In those days the sugar-plums had not been gilt, and had been much rarer.
Johnny Eames and his friend went together to the house of Mr. Dobbs Broughton. As Dalrymple lived close to the Broughtons, Eames picked him up in a cab. “Filthy things, these cabs are,” said Dalrymple, as he got into the hansom.
“I don’t know about that,” said Johnny. “They’re pretty good, I think.”
“Foul things,” said Conway. “Don’t you feel what a draught comes in here because the glass is cracked. I’d have one of my own, only I should never know what to do with it.”
“The greatest nuisance on earth, I should think,” said Johnny.
“If you could always have it standing ready round the corner,” said the artist, “it would be delightful. But one would want half-a-dozen horses, and two or three men for that.”
“I think the stands are the best,” said Johnny.
They were a little late—a little later than they should have been had they considered that Eames was to be introduced to his new acquaintances. But he had already lived long enough before the world to be quite at his ease in such circumstances, and he entered Mrs. Broughton’s drawing-room with his pleasantest smile upon his face. But as he entered he saw a sight which made him look serious in spite of his efforts to the contrary. Mr. Adolphus Crosbie, secretary to the Board at the General Committee Office, was standing on the rug before the fire.
“Who will be there?” Eames had asked of his friend, when the suggestion to go and dine with Dobbs Broughton had been made to him.
“Impossible to say,” Conway had replied. “A certain horrible fellow of the name of Musselboro, will almost certainly be there. He always is when they have anything of a swell dinner-party. He is a sort of partner of Broughton’s in the City. He wears a lot of chains, and has elaborate whiskers, and an elaborate waistcoat, which is worse; and he doesn’t wash his hands as often as he ought to do.”
“An objectionable party, rather, I should say,” said Eames.
“Well, yes; Musselboro is objectionable. He’s very good-humoured you know, and good-looking in a sort of way, and goes everywhere; that is among people of this sort. Of course he’s not hand-and-glove with Lord Derby; and I wish he could be made to wash his hands. They haven’t any other standing dish, and you may meet anybody. They always have a Member of Parliament; they generally manage to catch a Baronet; and I have met a Peer there. On that august occasion Musselboro was absent.”
So instructed, Eames, on entering that room, looked round at once for Mr. Musselboro. “If I don’t see the whiskers and chain,” he had said, “I shall know there’s a Peer.” Mr. Musselboro was in the room, but Eames had descried Mr. Crosbie long before he had seen Mr. Musselboro.
There was no reason for confusion on his part in meeting Crosbie. They had both loved Lily Dale. Crosbie might have been successful, but for his own fault. Eames had on one occasion been thrown into contact with him, and on that occasion had quarrelled with him and had beaten him, giving him a black eye, and in this way obtaining some mastery over him. There was no reason why he should be ashamed of meeting Crosbie; and yet, when he saw him, the blood mounted all over his face, and he forgot to make any further search for Mr. Musselboro.
“I am so much obliged to Mr. Dalrymple for bringing you,” said Mrs. Dobbs Broughton very sweetly, “only he ought to have come sooner. Naughty man! I know it was his fault. Will you take Miss Demolines down? Miss Demolines—Mr. Eames.”
Mr. Dobbs Broughton was somewhat sulky and had not welcomed our hero very cordially. He was beginning to think that Conway Dalrymple gave himself airs and did not sufficiently understand that a man who had horses at Market Harboro’ and ‘41 Lafitte was at any rate as good as a painter who was pelted with gilt sugar-plums for painting countesses. But he was a man whose ill-humour never lasted long, and he was soon pressing his wine on Johnny Eames as though he loved him dearly.
But there was yet a few minutes before they went down to dinner, and Johnny Eames, as he endeavoured to find something to say to Miss Demolines—which was difficult, as he did not in the least know Miss Demolines’ line of conversation—was aware that his efforts were impeded by thoughts of Mr. Crosbie. The man looked older than when he had last seen him—so much older that Eames was astonished. He was bald, or becoming bald; and his whiskers were grey, or were becoming grey, and he was much fatter. Johnny Eames, who was always thinking of Lily Dale, could not now keep himself from thinking of Adolphus Crosbie. He saw at a glance that the man was in mourning, though there was nothing but his shirt-studs by which to tell it; and he knew that he was in mourning for his wife. “I wish she might have lived for ever,” Johnny said to himself.
He had not yet been definitely called upon by the entrance of the servant to offer his arm to Miss Demolines, when Crosbie walked across to him from the rug and addressed him.
“Mr. Eames,” said he, “it is some time since we met.” And he offered his hand to Johnny.
“Yes, it is,” said Johnny, accepting the proffered salutation. “I don’t know exactly how long, but ever so long.”
“I am very glad to have the opportunity of shaking hands with you,” said Crosbie; and then he retired, as it had become his duty to wait with his arm ready for Mrs. Dobbs Broughton. Having married an earl’s daughter he was selected for that honour. There was a barrister in the room, and Mrs. Dobbs Broughton ought to have known better. As she professed to be guided in such matters by the rules laid down by the recognised authorities, she ought to have been aware that a man takes no rank from his wife. But she was entitled I think to merciful consideration for her error. A woman situated as was Mrs. Dobbs Broughton cannot altogether ignore these terrible rules. She cannot let her guests draw lots for precedence. She must select someone for the honour of her own arm. And amidst the intricacies of rank how is it possible for woman to learn and to remember everything? If Providence would only send Mrs. Dobbs Broughton a Peer for every dinner-party, the thing would go more easily; but what woman will tell me, off-hand, which should go out of a room first: a CB, an Admiral of the Blue, the Dean of Barchester, or the Dean of Arches? Who is to know who was everybody’s father? How am I to remember that young Thompson’s progenitor was made a baronet and not a knight when he was Lord Mayor? Perhaps Mrs. Dobbs Broughton ought to have known that Mr. Crosbie could have gained nothing by his wife’s rank, and the barrister may be considered to have been not immoderately severe when he simply spoke of her afterwards as the silliest and most ignorant old woman he had ever met in his life. Eames with the lovely Miss Demolines on his arm was the last to move before the hostess. Mr. Dobbs Broughton had led the way energetically with old Lady Demolines. There was no doubt about Lady Demolines—as his wife had told him, because her title marked her. Her husband had been a physician in Paris, and had been knighted in consequence of some benefit supposed to have been done to some French scion of royalty—when such scions in France were royal and not imperial. Lady Demolines’ rank was not much, certainly; but it served to mark her, and was beneficial.
As he went downstairs Eames was still thinking of his meeting with Crosbie, and had as yet hardly said a word to his neighbour, and his neighbour had not said a word to him. Now Johnny understood dinners quite well enough to know that in a party of twelve, among whom six are ladies, everything depends of your next neighbour, and generally on the next neighbour who specially belongs to you; and as he took his seat he was a little alarmed as to his prospect for the next two hours. On his other hand sat Mrs. Ponsonby, the barrister’s wife, and he did not much like the look of Mrs. Ponsonby. She was fat, heavy, and good-looking; with a broad space between her eyes, and light smooth hair—a youthful British matron every inch of her, of whom any barrister with a young family of children might be proud. Now Miss Demolines, though she was hardly to be called beautiful, was at any rate remarkable. She had large, dark, well-shaped eyes, and very dark hair, which she wore tangled about in an extraordinary manner, and she had an expressive face—a face made expressive by the owner’s will. Such power of expression is often attained by dint of labour—though it never reaches to the expression of anything in particular. She was almost sufficiently good-looking to be justified in considering herself a beauty.
But Miss Demolines, though she had said nothing as yet, knew her game very well. A lady cannot begin conversation to any good purpose in the drawing-room, when she is seated and the man is standing—nor can she know then how the table may subsequently arrange itself. Powder may be wasted, and often is wasted, and the spirit rebels against the necessity of commencing a second enterprise. But Miss Demolines, when she found herself seated, and perceived that on the other side of her was Mr. Ponsonby, a married man, commenced her enterprise at once, and our friend John Eames was immediately aware that he would have no difficulty as to conversation.
“Don’t you like winter dinner-parties?” began Miss Demolines. This was said just as Johnny was taking his seat, and he had time to declare that he liked dinner-parties at all periods of the year if the dinner was good and the people pleasant before the host had muttered something which was intended to be understood to be a grace. “But I mean especially the winter,” continued Miss Demolines. “I don’t think daylight should ever be admitted at a dinner-table; and though you may shut out the daylight, you can’t shut out the heat. And then there are always so many other things to go to in May and June and July. Dinners should be stopped by Act of Parliament for those three months. I don’t care what people do afterwards, because we always fly away on the first of August.”
“That is good-natured on your part.”
“I’m sure what I say would be for the good of society—but at this time of the year a dinner is warm and comfortable.”
“Very comfortable, I think.”
“And people get to know each other;”—in saying which Miss Demolines looked very pleasantly up into Johnny’s face.
“There is a great deal in that,” said he. “I wonder whether you and I will get to know each other.”
“Of course we shall—that is, if I’m worth knowing.”
“There can be no doubt about that, I should say.”