The Cirque (21 page)

I kissed the top of her head as Gabriel used to do and set her on the bed. I picked up the note. I unfolded it and took a deep breath. I felt Sasha watching me and sat down on the edge of the bed.

Ari –

I’m sorry for everything. I will never forget you.

Gabriel

A tear dropped down on the paper and left a dark spot. I refolded it and wiped my eyes. I lay back on the bed, hugging Gertie and Gabriel’s pillow close to me.

“Where’d he go?” I asked, knowing Sasha wouldn’t lie to me.

She rolled over in her bed and watched Gertie and me. “Tanner took him to the bus station. That’s all I know.”

I nodded and continued stroking the soft patch of fur on the top of Gertie’s head.

***

My mom called the next morning to let me know she wasn’t coming in this Friday after all. She had decided to stay in Tuscany a bit longer, but would definitely see me in a few days, in time for the show. She sounded tipsy and I thought I heard a male voice in the background. “Gotta go, sweetie!” she called and hung up the phone. I shrugged and clicked my cell off.

I had a few more days to figure things out. I wanted to talk to Del and find out what he knew about where Gabriel might have gone. I planned to wait until after the day’s show when I knew Del would be in the best mood. It was weird that I wouldn’t be performing with Gabriel that night. I looked down at the white dress, folded it up neatly and tucked it into the back of my drawer. I was probably supposed to return it to wardrobe, but it held too many memories to give up.

After the show, I went to Del’s trailer. I knocked on the door and waited. And waited…and waited. Finally Marta answered, peeking out at me. “Yesss?” she asked.

“I need to speak with Del.”

“One moment.” She shut the door in my face.

Del opened the door a few minutes later, “Ari! My favorite little ballerina. Come in, come in.” I stepped carefully up the stairs and he shut the door behind me. Their trailer was much nicer than any of the others. There was real furniture, not the typical stuff that came bolted to the floor with most RVs. There was a small paisley loveseat and a dark wooden pedestal table with two chairs. “Sit.” He pulled out a chair for me. “Would you like some tea?”

“Um, sure.” I didn’t want to be rude when I had a favor to ask him. I let my eyes wander around the room while he set out two cups and saucers. Marta had disappeared into the bedroom. There was an old trunk covered in coffee table books in front of the love seat. It smelled faintly of patchouli and had a thin layer of dust covered everything.

“Earl Grey or Bergamot?” he asked. If these were varieties of tea, I was clueless.

“Whichever, is fine,” I said and smiled at him. I sat down at the table.

He placed a teacup in front of me and poured steaming water from an old-fashioned tea pot. “Thank you.”

“I know why you’re here,” he said, sitting down across from me.

“You do?”

He nodded and took a sip of his tea. I noticed for the first time that he looked frazzled, his mustache too long, his bow tie crooked. He wiped his hand across his bald head.

“Gabriel,” he said and shook his head slowly. “Ari – it’s best that he’s gone. I hate to be blunt, but that’s the truth.”

I realized I was staring at him, and picked up my tea. I blew into it and took a sip. The natural flavor of the herbs worked to calm me.

“He’s got a past he has to deal with.”

“That’s actually what I came to ask you about.”

Del looked up at me. He sighed and nodded. “The rumors are true,” he said simply, looking at me over his teacup. “I tried to cover for him as long as I could. When I first found him, he was very up-front with me. I wanted to hire him for the show, but he wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting into.”

I stared at him intently, waiting for him to continue.

“His foster father was sexually abusing the little girl.”

“Sierra,” I offered.

He nodded. “Gabriel stepped in to protect her…and succeeded in doing what he had to do. Frank’s out of the picture now.”

I swallowed down the lump in my throat. I lowered my teacup with shaking hands.

Del set his hand over mine, settling the clinking teacup against the saucer once and for all. “You didn’t know,” he said meeting my eyes. It wasn’t a question.

I shook my head. “It was self-defense, right?” I asked.

Del hesitated, releasing a deep breath. “Not exactly. He wasn’t attacked. He was protecting his foster sister, but with his past troubles and violent tendencies, the state pressed charges.”

My skin broke into a cold sweat and I suddenly felt empty. Since I’d met Gabriel, I yearned to know the truth, but now I wished I could go back to being blissfully unaware, to the time when he was here with me and we were living in our little bubble.

There was an ache in me that wasn’t there before. My own troubles seemed small. Facing what to do with my life next and my parents’ divorce were trivial, everyday problems. Facing trial for murder was…incomprehensible. I loved Gabriel and I didn’t have any doubts about him and his goodness, but this was serious – something that could put him away for a long time, maybe forever.

For the first time in a long time, I wanted to call my dad.

Gabriel needed help, and though I’d been so determined to do my part by speaking to Del, Gabriel needed more help than I could give him. If I couldn’t be with him again, at the very least, I wanted to try and help him any way I could.

I tried to compose myself, to think clearly, but still my voice cracked. “What’s going to happen to him?”

Del smoothed his hand over his bald head. Must have been a habit left over from when he had hair. “He’s gone to turn himself in and face the charges.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what’ll happen next.”

“I need to know where he is.” I held his gaze.

He fiddled nervously with his bow tie. “Ari, you should just move on…forget about him.”

“I can’t.” We sat in silence for several minutes. I wouldn’t rush this.

“What are you going to do?” he asked, almost sarcastically. My heart dropped a little. Del’s tone implied there was no hope.

“My dad’s a lawyer. Gabriel shouldn’t have to be at the mercy of a public defender.”

He closed his eyes for a second. “He’s gone to Clovis,” he said, reopening his eyes.

I stood up and I turned to leave. “Thank you for the tea and for the job, Del. But – I need to resign. Tomorrow’s my last day.”

He nodded. As I closed the door I heard him wish me luck.

There was a lot to do before I could go after Gabriel. I needed to convince Tanner to let me take his Jeep and get my hands on a map to see where Clovis was, but it was getting late and there were two shows tomorrow. I needed to tell Shane they would be my last.

I went to my trailer and took Gertie outside. When we went back in, I was ready to crawl into bed, though it was barely dark out. But Gertie stood there staring at me expectantly. I looked down at her, trying to figure out what it was she wanted. Maybe she missed Gabriel. Then it dawned on me that she probably needed to eat. Gabriel hadn’t left any dog food when he dropped Gertie off, and I’d never actually seen him feed her.

I went to the cookhouse, and though it was after hours, Bruce let me in. “Whatcha need?” He greeted me with a gap-toothed grin.

“Uh. I need to feed Gertie.” I wasn’t sure if he’d turn me away or laugh at the idea of scavenging food for a dog.

“Why didn’t ya say sompthin?” he said, like it was the most natural thing in the world. He motioned for me to follow him. He’d been chopping a huge pile of onions on a stainless steel workstation and the room was filled with the smell of them. He pulled open the doors of a commercial fridge and handed me a plastic bag of chopped chicken and a few baby carrots. “Give her a kiss for me.”

I smiled and took the food from him. I turned to leave and heard him call my name just before I reached the door. “Here.” He handed me a paper plate. I mumbled my thanks and hurried through the door. I could feel tears pooling in my eyes and wasn’t sure why I was so emotional right then.

As soon as I got back with the goods, Gertie wagged her tail and bounced up and down against my leg. I dumped the food onto the plate and set it in front of her. By the time I changed into my pajamas, she’d finished eating and sat watching me. I turned out the light and got under the covers. Gertie stood next to my bed looking back and forth between me and the door.

“He’s not coming back,” I said. She barked once.
Stupid dog.
I lifted her to the bed with one arm and she crawled up on my stomach and lay down. Her eyes were deep brown and seemed more expressive than a dog’s should be. I smoothed her fur back from her forehead while she looked up at me pathetically. She was breathing her hot, dog breath onto my face, but I didn’t care enough to push her off me.

“I know. I miss him, too.” I scratched behind her ears. She closed her eyes, savoring the attention.

I performed my last shows and talked to Shane, Sasha, Tanner and Hope and told them I was leaving. Tanner agreed to let me take his Jeep, inspired by the romance of my mission. It didn’t feel romantic to me. I didn’t even know what I would do or say when I got there. I just knew I had to go.

I spent my last night packing and pacing the tiny trailer with Gertie in my arms. I bounced her on my hip like a baby. Clovis was about four hours away. I didn’t know what a trip there would accomplish, but I had to try and see him. Maybe I could find out about the charges and figure out a way to help him.

After a quick breakfast the next morning, I was ready to go. Sasha and Tanner saw me off, each hugging me before stepping back. I spread the map out across the front seat and set Gertie in her kennel, in the back along with my duffle bag. Bruce had given me a banana for Gertie’s breakfast and when I raised an eyebrow at him, he told me it kept her regular. I wondered if he had similar conversations with Gabriel.

I didn’t mention to Tanner that I technically didn’t have my driver’s license. Living in New York, there was really no need, though my dad had taught me to drive two summers before, when I turned sixteen. And driving was like riding a bike, right? I hoped Tanner didn’t notice how hard I was concentrating when I pulled out. I shifted the clunky gearshift on the steering wheel into drive and used both hands to turn the wheel as I maneuvered out of the narrow parking space.

When I reached the end of the gravel road, I leaned over and consulted the map one more time. After confirming it was Interstate 40 East I needed, I turned onto the two-lane highway and gradually eased up to the speed limit.

The sky was endless blue and the highway stretched out flat as far as I could see. Even though it was still early, it was already hot and I flipped on the air. I passed through one tiny town after another and wondered why every small town seemed to have the same storefronts along Main Street. There was always a rundown laundromat, a small appliance repair store and a hobby shop with trains in the window – and at least one motel advertising AC and cable TV on a flickering neon sign.

It was my first ever road trip and within an hour or so, I had settled in. The driving thing was no problem. It turns out, driving
was
a lot like riding a bike. The terrain flattened out the closer we got to the panhandle of Texas. I felt more independent than I ever had before. I was making the decisions for my life – no one else. I turned off the air, rolled the windows all the way down, blasted the classic rock music and sang along at the top of my lungs.

I reached the city limits of Clovis and lowered my speed as the highway carried me into town. I looked out at each dusty farm and small house I passed, wondering where Gabriel had grown up. I made a loop around the city, acquainting myself with the nearby hotels. Out of sheer luck, I passed by the courthouse. It was a two-story, gray stone building with a small parking lot out front.

I circled back and headed to a small motel I’d passed, just off the highway. I pulled into the Mesa Inn. I couldn’t imagine, with the broken down cars lining the front of this place, that they’d mind that I had a dog with me. I went in and paid cash for one night, then let Gertie pee in the parking lot before we went inside. I cranked up the air and fell back heavily onto the stone-hard mattress. I didn’t even know what I was doing there and I was overwhelmed as well as exhausted from working various scenarios out in my head all day.

I hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but when I woke up, late afternoon sun streamed in through the open curtains and Gertie was nudging my shoulder with her wet nose. I splashed my cheeks with cool water from the rust-stained sink in the bathroom and headed out into the heat.

I pulled up to the Ninth Judicial District Courthouse. I followed the sign for the county jail and hoped Gabriel was there. Then I instantly hoped I was wrong and he wasn’t here in this depressing gray building. I desperately wanted to see him, though I had no idea what I was going to say when I did.

When I went inside, I was confronted with a tall counter and haggard woman, both behind bulletproof glass. She didn’t even look up when I walked up to the window. “Hi, I’m um, here to see someone in jail.” The words felt foreign coming from my mouth.