The Cold Cold Sea (8 page)

‘I’m sorry,’ she said to Howard, who was standing in front of the electric fire, his trousers steaming. ‘I thought it was Olivia.’

‘I know,’ he said. ‘Maggie, I phoned Colin. He’s coming to get you. Go home, Maggie. I’ll watch out for Olivia for you, I promise.’

Colin arrived later that afternoon and hugged her tightly. He was thinner now. So was she, of course. And he was calmer, much calmer than she was these days. He was grieving, but he had accepted that Olivia was gone.

‘Col, I - I can feel her. I can still feel her inside me.’

She sat on the bed, watching as he packed her clothes. He sat down beside her and she leaned against him gratefully. Whatever else had happened, the rift between them was healing. She knew that their relationship would never be the same again, but they were still together, and for the moment that was enough. She knew he didn’t blame her any more, but that didn’t stop her blaming herself. She had, after all, killed her daughter.

‘Maggie, keep her there inside you. I know it’s hard, but for Joe’s sake, we have to go on.’

He was right, she thought. It was the only way forwards. She would go back to Carlton Bridge and Joe, take her pills, and wait for the pain to lessen. And she would keep her Livvy safe inside her forever.

‘I spoke to Mum and Dad,’ said Colin, clearing the few contents of the fridge into a cardboard box. ‘We thought we’d sell this place. It’s the wrong time of year, of course, but come the spring we’ll put it on the market. We could buy another cottage somewhere... ’

‘Don’t,’ said Maggie. ‘I can’t think about that.’

Drearily, she pulled Livvy’s clothes from the wardrobe and laid them in another box. The toys went on top, first the dolls, and a couple of rainy-day jigsaws. And Old Bear. He’d been a third birthday present, Livvy had chosen him herself.

In spite of everything, Maggie found herself smiling at the memory. What a golden, glorious third birthday Livvy’d had. They’d baked a cake, of course, Olivia had wanted ‘a seaside cake’. So they’d constructed waves with green and blue marzipan, and even made a little marzipan boat. Olivia loved marzipan. The grandparents all visited for the weekend, a squash in the little cottage but fun, too. They’d had a party on the beach, with cake and scones and cream, and Old Bear tucked under Olivia’s arm all day. It was the last time all the family had been together.

Colin taped the box shut.

‘We’ll put it in the attic with the rest of her stuff,’ he said, and Maggie knew then that Olivia didn’t have a bedroom at Carlton Bridge any more.

When there was nothing left to pack she helped Colin carry everything out to the car. Howard had returned to say goodbye. He had been so kind, he and Amanda both, and Maggie knew that in a different situation they would have become friends. But kindness hadn’t found Olivia, and Maggie could never think about Howard without feeling the agony of losing her child.

She gazed at the cottage. So many memories were here, happy memories originally but now they were too painful to think about. And this would be her last time at Cove Cottage, maybe the last time at Newquay, too, unless by some miracle the sea did give Olivia back to them and they could come down to collect her. For the last time, she would say goodbye.

Howard gripped both her shoulders when she tried to say thank you.

‘I’ll watch every day, Maggie. I promise.’

She got into the car and they drove away. And she didn’t look back.

A brief whimper crackled through the baby monitor. Jennifer grabbed the remote and silenced the evening film, holding her breath as she listened. The last thing she needed was Hailey up again. The wretched child had woken every hour on the hour all through the previous night - another session like that would be the end of them both. And Jennifer hadn’t even been able to nap while Hailey was sleeping after lunch because there was too much to do, and the babies had spent all afternoon using her bladder as a trampoline. She was exhausted.

Just thinking about the babies seemed to activate them again; a sudden surge from the inside made tiny circular waves tremble across the surface of the tea she was balancing on her bump. Tiredness forgotten, Jennifer massaged her swollen belly, pleasure warming through her as the answering knock came from within.

It was amazing. Even now she could hardly believe it, especially after everything that had happened. She was pregnant again. With twins. By the end of November she would have two darling babies to love and treasure and dress in beautiful new baby clothes. Phillip would be so surprised. She had been four and a half months pregnant when he left, but she had kept the news to herself. He would only have made a silly fuss if she’d told him, and there was no need for him to worry - they were all just fine.

The fact that it was twins seemed to make up for everything. Twice the amount of luck and twice the amount of love. Jennifer laughed aloud. And darling Hailey was right here with her too, and in a funny way that was even more wonderful.

The monitor remained silent, and Jennifer relaxed back on the sofa. Of course staying at Thea’s ex-farm cottage wasn’t the usual thing for Hailey, and children of that age were creatures of habit when it came to bedtime routines, weren’t they? But this was better than going home to Truro. Long Farm Cottage was miles away from everywhere; they’d have peace and quiet here. Jennifer was only too glad she’d had the key to this place, so even with Thea in Canada she’d been able to bring Hailey straight here yesterday morning. The seclusion was perfect.

Jennifer smiled happily. It was marvellous having friends when you needed them. She’d phoned Thea earlier that evening when it was mid-afternoon in Toronto, and her friend had believed every word when Jennifer said that she was going to join Phillip in the States and needed a stopping-off place on the way to Heathrow. Just for one night, of course. Phillip and Thea didn’t know each other well enough to start comparing notes on Jennifer’s whereabouts, so she could stay right here at the farmhouse for as long as she needed to.

The monitor crackled again, and Jennifer rose to her feet. She could
not
go through another night like the last one. Another magic pill was needed. That had worked beautifully yesterday, the child had slept all afternoon while Jennifer collected a carful of necessities from home. So if she gave Hailey the same dose now they should both have a good night.

She stared at the packet of blue pills. They were indeed magic. They’d helped her through the Black Patch but of course she had stopped taking them as soon as she’d realised she was pregnant again. Now they would help Hailey with... but she didn’t know what was wrong with Hailey.

It wasn’t just that the child wasn’t sleeping well, she’d been crying, too. Was she feverish? Jennifer could remember her own mother coming to her bedroom at night when she’d had a high temperature saying, ‘Time for the magic medicine.’ Back then it had been a crushed junior aspirin. These weren’t aspirin, but drugs had evolved a lot since her own childhood. You didn’t even need to crush these ones, they were small and easy to swallow.

Carefully, Jennifer extracted the other half of yesterday’s tablet and took it upstairs with a glass of water. Half a pill was surely alright for a small child. She’d read the leaflet but the dosages were confusingly varied. Hailey was quiet again, lying on her side with one arm dangling over the edge of the bed. Jennifer stood for a moment gazing down at the sleeping child.

Such a miracle. For a moment Jennifer felt exactly like she had when the midwife laid baby Hailey in her arms. She crouched beside the bed and pushed the half pill to the back of the sleeping child’s tongue, following it up with a mouthful of water. Hailey opened her eyes and choked, and Jennifer smiled encouragingly.

‘Time for your medicine, Hailey darling. Swallow it down and have a lovely sleep,’ she said, and the little girl closed her eyes again.

Jennifer sat on the edge of the bed, stroking the suntanned little face. She’d done this for nearly all of the previous night too; Hailey had been restless and weepy for some reason, and Jennifer hadn’t dared give her more medication so soon after the first dose.

The half pill worked its magic as she had known it would, and Hailey was soon in a deep sleep. Jennifer wiped a little trickle of saliva from the little girl’s chin. Medication had its uses, but those doctors had given her far too much of it during the Black Patch. It had muddled her thoughts; she no longer remembered everything that had happened back then. Something had happened to Hailey, but here she was asleep in bed, so she wasn’t hurt. Something had changed, though, but Jennifer couldn’t remember what.

Thinking about it was unsettling, and Jennifer stood up, tucking the duvet round Hailey’s neck. Sound asleep. And thank goodness there were plenty more pills.

Downstairs, she made fresh tea and put the television on again. The babies started kicking as soon as she sat down and Jennifer smiled happily. Life was going to be so good now. In a few weeks’ time the new house in Polpayne would be ready and the two of them would go there to wait for Phillip... and when he came home they would all be together again.

Her mobile buzzed in her handbag and Jennifer hesitated. It was Phillip again; he often called at this time but she really didn’t have the energy to talk to him tonight. Quickly, she rejected the call and switched her mobile off. She would call him tomorrow and say she’d been at the theatre; a good night’s sleep before she spoke to him was an absolute necessity or she’d ruin the surprise.

The news was starting and Jennifer watched idly as the usual mixture of politics, suicide bombings and knife crime in London flashed in front of her. The fourth report jolted her awake, however, and she stared in horror as a child’s face filled the screen, followed by a view of a deserted beach beneath high, threatening cliffs. The newsreader’s voice was grave.

‘There is still no sign of the three-year-old girl who vanished from a Newquay beach yesterday morning, and it appears increasingly likely that she has drowned. Police have - ’

Jennifer stumbled back upstairs and fell to her knees by the bed. Thank God, thank God, her baby was right here, breathing beautifully and looking so peaceful. Jennifer covered the child’s face with kisses and then leaned back, still trembling, her heart beating frantically in her throat.

It was as if a distant memory was fighting its way to the surface, but remaining tantalisingly out of reach. What had happened? Was it something to do with the beach? Had Hailey been lost? Yes she had, hadn’t she, but here she was back in bed again. Everything was alright.

Jennifer watched the child for a few more minutes and then crept to the other side of the bed and slid under the duvet. The best way to keep Hailey safe was to stay right here with her.

Long Farm Cottage was centuries old. Battleship grey stone walls supported a darker roof of slate, and the whole building was dwarfed by three enormous oak trees whose roots were making the old stone floors even more uneven. Inside, solid wooden beams traversed low ceilings and the whitewashed internal walls were at least a foot thick. Thea was an Aga-user, so the kitchen had a quaint, old-fashioned look to it. The entire atmosphere was one of age and tranquillity. And silence.

Jennifer stared out of the window. She could see why Thea loved her home. Long Farm Wood started just the other side of the lane; trees stretched for miles down towards the ocean, oaks and sycamores as far as the eye could see. They weren’t quite in the sticks because if you stood out in the lane and looked downhill you could see the last few houses of Trevaren in the distance. But few people except the occupants of this cottage and its distant neighbour ever came up here, so it was ideal for her and Hailey. They’d been here four days now and Jennifer was beginning to get used to country life with her daughter.

And that was the important thing. They were together. The fact that the child was behaving so strangely could be put right. It was possibly just nerves, or drowsiness from the pills, but Hailey hadn’t given the correct answer to a single one of the questions Jennifer had put to her so far. It was infuriating.

Jennifer took a deep breath. Sometimes she didn’t know what was happening to herself, never mind Hailey, and the feeling of helplessness frightened her. She needed more order in her life, that would be it. The doctor in that place had said that a set routine was important. Well, when they moved to Polpayne she would make sure her days had all the structure she needed. Everything would be fine as soon as they got there. Jennifer hugged herself. She would cope. She was a mother.

Mind you, children came with their own problems, as Hailey’s behaviour proved more and more every day. Getting her to eat was incredibly difficult. Jennifer sighed. It was a pity she had to drug Hailey during the day too, but she couldn’t stay here babysitting all the time. She had to talk to the workmen about the house in Polpayne, and yesterday she’d gone to the supermarket to get supplies. But then Hailey hadn’t touched the soup Jennifer had bought for her, even though minestrone had always been her favourite. In fact the only thing the child had eaten these past few days was yoghurt, and that was only because Jennifer had spooned it into her mouth when she was half asleep.

They couldn’t go on like this, and there was no reason for Hailey to be so moody and uncooperative. Maybe a little plain speaking would do some good. It was time things returned to normal. Jennifer ran upstairs, cradling her bump.

The child’s eyes were half open, and Jennifer bent over the bed.

‘Hailey? It’s time for your shower.’

She pulled Hailey’s arm as she spoke, and to her relief the little girl allowed herself to be led along to the bathroom. Jennifer pushed the unresisting little body under the shower and lathered it generously. Goodness, she’d never noticed that little mole on Hailey’s shoulder, when had that come? She rinsed the last of the soap from Hailey’s hair and turned the water off.