The Color of Home: A Novel (27 page)

After a short pause, Nick jigged down the aisle, as if he were dancing on the infinite pool of joy, in an elegant handmade version of the white suit John Lennon wore on the cover of
Abbey Road
. He located his spot and turned back toward Sassa. He was incredibly handsome.

Were Mom and Dad watching?

Sassa proceeded down the aisle in a beautiful, intricate, white satin dress that exposed her shoulders and half of her back. The red sash, paying homage to the red dress in “When Light Passes Through,” tied into a bow in the back and extended down the middle of her long train. Did Sis like her dress?

She joined Nick and they both stationed themselves in front of Halfa. Joe, Jackie, Adrienne, and Nick’s band members lined up in a row at Nick’s side. Chloe, Brayden, Matt, Myrina, Jessie, and Sarah lined up beside Sassa.

Sassa glanced back to take in the view; then turned toward Nick. She took a slow, deep breath.

Halfa began. “Sassa and Nick, today you have come to this sacred location as individuals, but you’ll leave here as husband and wife. You’ll blend your lives, and at the same time remain whole as you enter the next stage of what has already been a profound adventure. The story of your life together so far has been one of love, choice, and struggle. The story of your future, with infinite possibilities in each moment, is yours to write. All those present have come to witness and celebrate your love and commitment this day, and are eager to be a part of the story not yet told.”

Sassa, shaking, tried to fix her gaze on Nick. She reached out and locked her hands with his.

He leaned over and whispered, “Squeeze my hands tighter.”

She smiled and mouthed, “Okay.”

“Rather than a reading, Nick and Sassa have chosen ‘For My Wedding’ by Don Henley,” Halfa said.

Nick’s band members turned and faced the audience. One pulled a tuning fork from his pocket and sounded an A-note. They performed the song a cappella in four-part harmony. Dark angels parted. Prayer. Grace. Acceptance. Nick teared up. Sassa teared up as well, then totally lost it on the chorus. The band members harmonized on the final extended note.

“The CD is available at the tent in the back,” Halfa said.

Everyone laughed for a few seconds.

“Nick is going to read, or rather sing, his vows to Sassa now.”

Nick turned to one of his band members, who handed him his guitar. He strapped on his Martin, then checked the tuning. Facing Sassa, he said, “This is called ‘Sassa.’” His voice trembled. He tried to steady his hands as he fingerpicked a beautiful and elaborate riff that formed the foundation of each verse. After repeating the passage twice, he began to sing.

When I am with you

Everything else fades away

You are so beautiful, Sassa dear

In your heart, open space

In your touch, there is grace

You are so beautiful, Sassa dear

Sometimes I think your words are poetry

Sometimes I think your heart shines

like the moon, like the moon

In our bed, sweet release

In your arms, complete

You are so beautiful, Sassa dear

Inside, we go deeper

I’m your biggest believer

You are so beautiful, Sassa dear

Sometimes I think your words are poetry

Sometimes I think your mind is as open

as the sky, as the sky

I wasn’t sure I could love this much

I didn’t believe I was that strong

But when you took me down to the altar of surrender

I finally knew I was . . . touched

His voice broke. He played a few extra measures of the opening riff. Every time Nick wrote for her, she felt blessed. And this song was so beautiful. He wasn’t the only one who had gone down to the altar of surrender. She shot him a dose of his favorite look in the world, and let him know.

He took a deep breath, then continued.

In your eyes there’s peace

Our dreams are within reach

You are so beautiful, Sassa dear

Together, we’ll grow old

Like water flowing, our two souls

You’ll always be beautiful, Sassa dear.

Sassa reached over and raised both of Nick’s hands to her lips. She kissed them and whispered, “Thank you.”

“Sassa will now recite her vows to Nick,' Halfa said after a pause.

Chloe handed Sassa a few pages. Sassa glanced at the first page, then folded the papers and gave them back to Chloe. She had this.

“Nick, when I first met you, I was broken. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I was starting to fade. I thought I might have to settle for a life that I hadn’t created, a life where I couldn’t overcome my past. You showed me, through truth, through love, through being nothing more than yourself, that I could heal. You knew that my strength remained within me, waiting to be uncovered. You held onto that belief for me until I was strong enough to hold onto it myself. We joined then in something I knew would last a lifetime, even if I didn’t know all the different forms it would take.

“As strong as our bond was, I had some work to do on my own. I needed to find something, deep at the bottom of things, that I’d lost long ago. I needed to become whole, even though I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant.

“And so did you.

“When I went on what we’ve now come to call our separate-together journey, I was torn, but knew that I had to head down the path of most resistance, as my mother had taught me long ago. For the past six years, on that path, we pushed and pulled in ways that nourished us and also came ever so close to breaking us apart.

“Despite obstacles along the way, we did finally make it through. We came out on the other side stronger, whole for the first time in our adult lives. And when we came out, we came together in, yes, a generative way that you recognized much sooner than I did.”

Nick grinned.

“Today these are a few things I know for sure, and they form my vows to you. Nick Satterborn, you’re the love of my life. I have always loved you. I will always love you. Even before we met, I’m sure I loved you. I will always tell you the truth, especially when I most resist it. I’ll work to ensure that the obstacles we face together make us stronger, instead of driving wedges between us. I will strive, but not always succeed, to see you, to understand you completely. Have patience with me when I fail. Know that I’m a persistent woman. I will try and try again, with words, touch, with whatever it takes, until I get through.

“Know that my passion for you has no limits. We’ve only scratched the surface of what’s possible, my love. That’s all I’ll say about that now. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

“I pray we’ll be blessed with many children. Well, four to be exact, two boys and two girls—”

She paused as a wave of laughter rumbled through the amphitheater.

“I know that you’ll show the same boundless love for our children as you’ve shown for me. We’ll have the opportunity to complete the circle with them, by parenting them in ways that honor our parents, both here and watching over us.” She glanced over at Nick’s mom and nodded. Mom. She’d never thought she could call someone by that name again.

“Finally, my love, we’re going to dance a lot in the next fifty years, starting with a virtuoso display in a few minutes. You know, there are so many ways to dance. I am, as I know you are, fully committed to trying them all.”

She mouthed, “Was that okay?”

“More than okay,” he mouthed back.

She glanced at Halfa and members of the wedding party. Everyone was crying.

Halfa waited for a moment. “Do you, Sassa, take Nick to be your partner in life and in sharing your path, equal in love, a mirror for your true self, promising to honor and cherish, through each moment laced together into hours, days, and years?”

“I do,” Sassa said.

“Do you, Nick, take Sassa to be your partner in life and in sharing your path, equal in love, a mirror for your true self, promising to honor and cherish, through each moment laced together into hours, days, and years?”

“I do,” Nick said.

Chloe handed Sassa Nick’s wedding band. Sassa placed the band on Nick’s finger. Joe handed Nick Sassa’s wedding band. Nick slipped the band on Sassa’s finger. They had designed the bands together. Sassa had had her mother’s wedding band melted down and used the gold to fill a carved-out section of her wedding band with the inscription “Love Is Everything” in Sanskrit. Nick’s wedding band, similar to Sassa’s, consisted of a simple platinum ring merged with gold from his father’s wedding band, containing the same carved inscription on the bottom of the ring.

“Nick and Sassa, before I pronounce you man and wife, I want to say a few words. Well, okay, maybe more than a few.

“May you walk through each moment truthfully, with wonder. May you touch each possibility and pursue only those paths that help one or both of you grow. May you bank more and more trust and use it to handle difficult places with grace, strength, and compassion. May you continue to explore, go deeper and deeper inward, mapping both new and old. May you let each other’s light come through, sometimes reflected, sometimes amplified, and most often exactly as generated. May all of the wisdom that you both already hold inside you guide you and tether you to each other.

“With the energy I take from all of the love around you today, from both those here and those who have come before you, I pronounce you man and wife.”

They shared their first kiss as a married couple. The audience faded from her view. She didn’t hear a thing until she surfaced midstream to what sounded like hand and chair percussion from something Paul Simon might have written in the eighties. Applause, whistling, and shouting forged, shaping the upbeat. When had she learned so much about music?

Sassa approached Brayden and Anna. They looked content, like they belonged together. She flashed on Brayden’s description of Anna earlier that year. Believe it or not, Anna had brown hair and was over forty. Chloe loved her. “Well, I’m married.' Smiling, she extended her hand and modeled her ring.

“Your vows were beautiful,' Anna said.

“The whole ceremony was,' Brayden said.

“Thanks.”

“It looks like Nick is getting ready to play a set,' Anna said.

“Some stuff from the new album.”

Nick’s band launched into “When Light Passes Through.' Sassa, Brayden, and Anna inched toward the stage, part of the throng. Many of the attendees nodded and moved out of the way as Sassa passed. One song had changed everything.

“That song,' Anna said after the band finished.

“Yeah, I know,' Sassa said.

Nick continued with his set of new songs for the as-yet-untitled new album. He waved to Sassa from the stage. In six years, they’d come so far, done so many things, gone deeper than either of them imagined possible. Like in her vows, they were
deep at the bottom of things
. She’d have to mention the name to him.

“By the way, we’re going to follow you soon.' Brayden wrapped his arm around Anna and gave her a little tug.

“Wow! Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

Anna reached out and cupped Sassa’s hand. “Thank you.”

“Why?”

“You softened him.”

“And him me.' Or maybe he had strengthened her, hardened her in a good way, taught her that good-byes weren’t deaths, that continuing down the path was really the only way forward. She wouldn’t have made it back to Nick without him.

“Want to be my best woman?” Brayden asked.

“Of course.” Sassa stepped toward Brayden and Anna and hugged each of them.

Chloe waved over to Sassa from the other side of the stage.

“Your daughter calls. See ya.” Sassa made her way over to Chloe. Why was it so hard to morph love? She’d done exactly that with Brayden and it couldn’t have turned out better. In letting her go, he’d accepted a new form of love. Then he accepted himself. And then he accepted Anna. One. Two. Three.

“Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)” blasted through the speakers. Chloe and Sassa huddled next to each other and danced.

“What good music,” Chloe said.

“Nick did the playlist. Thanks for being my maid of honor.”

“You’re happy.”

Sassa nodded. “I like Anna.”

“Me too.”

“Why the frown?”

“They’re getting married.”

“I’m going to be your dad’s best woman.”

“Oh. That’s good.” She gave Sassa a long hug.

They danced through a few songs. She’d only known Chloe for a few years, but it seemed much longer, like they were vessels for a connection she didn’t fully understand, like her sister and mother had banded together and willed Chloe into her life. She thanked them.

Nick pushed through the crowd to Sassa and Chloe. He kissed Sassa. “Hey.” He gave Chloe a big hug.

“Good DJ,” Chloe said.

“Yeah, he’s great. Looks like a spontaneous poetry slam over there. Want to go?” He pointed to a corner of the property where ten or so people had gathered around a large, four-foot-high, flat rock that created a natural rostrum.

Chloe rolled her eyes. “I’ll pass.”

“I’ll go. See you later, Chloe. Did you see that cute boy over by the juice bar?”

Chloe smiled and headed off toward the bar.

“I have a strong desire to press juice,” he said.

Sassa grinned and took his hand. They ambled over to the poetry slam. A musician friend of Nick’s leapt onto the rock and read haiku love poems. Another poet followed with more love poems directed toward Nick and Sassa. And another. Time passed.

Nick kissed Sassa right above her ear. “I’ll be right back.” He vaulted up on the rock and pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. He took a deep breath, shot a smile at her, and began.

“Walking. Today soft, persistent snow creates a parting ceiling, moving walls around us as we walk through the morning. Mostly we walk in silence, aware that we’re connected to some larger radiant web, to some ageless dance, that is ubiquitous on days like this. A car slowly rumbles by, its young occupants tangled in words. We speculate they’re trying to understand the push-pull of early love, of souls joined, stumbling awkwardly as they learn to move together and alone. We smile. Later as we turn onto the wooded path leading home, we see the same car stopped, but running. We try not to stare as we pass, but we can’t help but catch a few images through partially steamed windows. Light and dark hair intermingled. Breasts partially sweatered. A pleated skirt raised. At home clothes fall off. After all of these years, we still tremble. We make love in a way, known and unknown, that can only happen after years of walking.”