The Colour of Milk (12 page)

that night edna and i went up at the same time. the candle was on the box between us. she got in to bed and the bed sighed and i pulled my book out from under the covers.

don’t blow out the flame, i said.

i tipped the book towards the light and looked at the gold letters on the front of it.

what you doing? she asked.

see this. this letter. the line across then down. that’s a t. this word says
the
.

where you get that? you stole it?

no. he gave me it.

i opened the cover and looked at the first page, leaning in towards the candle to see. it was a mess of black lines and marks but i looked slowly along till i found another one. there. t. h. e.
the
.

i looked along the lines till i found three of them.
the the the
.

i closed the book and leaned over and blew out the candle. the smell of the taper was in the room. an owl called outside the window.

get some sleep, edna said.

and so i closed my eyes but my heart was beating fast with excitement and though my body stayed still in the bed my mind rushed around and would not stay still for it was like a bee in summer.

the next morning i went out with the peelings for the hens and harry was in the garden and he was raking the last leaves up in to the fire.

and i called out to him. morning.

and he stared at me but said nothing.

i tipped the peelings in and the hens rushed up and started messing around with them.

you finishing off? i asked. edna says you’re done for a while.

harry nodded. all stopped growing, he said.

careful, i said. you just spoke.

he shook his head and turned away.

i pointed at the potatoes. shall i take them in?

he passed me the bucket. and then he gave me a bowl of the last raspberries.

nice day, i said. and i put one of the raspberries in my mouth.

is it?

i looked up at the sky. the sun is there, i said, only it’s hid by a cloud.

you ever see the bad in life? he asked.

i’ll have time to think about that, i said, when i’m dead.

he shook his head and turned away to walk over to the glass house.

harry, i said.

what? he turned back.

the raspberries are good.

got to grow less, he said. now there’s only the vicar. gonna put some to grass.

that’s a shame, i said. cos you keep it nice.

he nodded and almost smiled. then he walked off with his spade and went to clean up the glass house and put it away till spring.

i was in the kitchen when there was a knock on the window and i looked up and saw beatrice outside.

edna was up the stairs so i went to the door.

it’s grandfather, beatrice said. mother said you’ll wanna come.

so i told her to wait and i ran back inside and knocked on mr graham’s door only there was no answer and so i found edna and i told her i was going to the farm. and before she could say nothing i ran back down the stairs and threw my apron down in the kitchen and went out to beatrice.

and we went fast as we could down the lane and to the farm.

we went straight through the yard and scullery and in to the kitchen. mother was there and she said you better go on in. and they stayed in the kitchen.

grandfather was in the apple room. and he was in his bed. he had a blanket over him and his face was turned away so he never saw me come in.

i ain’t opening my eyes, beatrice, he said, nor eating nor nothing till she comes home.

i put my hand on his shoulder. i am home, i said.

he turned his head towards me. you are? well bugger me.

beatrice come and got me, i said.

i told her to, he said. been long enough and i ain’t seen you.

but what’s wrong with you?

nothing.

nothing? she said mother sent her up for me. said we’d be lucky if you lasted the week.

i know, he said. i told them that to get you here.

then the door opened and mother came in the room. how is he? she asked.

he ain’t his self, i said. i’ll sit with him a bit.

right then, mother said. i’ll leave you to it.

the door closed and we both put our hands to our mouths not to laugh out loud.

i’m hungry, he said once we’d stopped.

i’ll sneak out in a bit and get you summat. so how you been?

how’ve i been? a bloody misery. no one comes in and has a laugh with me. your father’s out all hours. he works those girls even harder now you ain’t here. your mother’s running round doing all sorts. and all that’s made worse cos your father’s been shouting that violet’s having a baby. says she looks like a cow about to drop. how’s she gonna have got herself in calf?

i spec like every other woman what’s had a baby, i said.

now you’re being forward, he said. so what’s it like up there where you are now? you don’t look much like you no more. you’re above us now. you’ll be speaking proper next.

don’t be soft.

well. what’s it like?

i spend all day polishing stuff which is only gonna get dull and need polishing again. got to wax all the wood and put tea cups and saucers on trays. got to wear a clean white apron every day.

waste of time. what’s the matter with them all?

they ain’t got nothing better to do, i said. they ain’t got work from sun up to sun down.

don’t spose.

but he gave me this, i said. i put my hand in to my pocket and pulled out my book and showed him.

you won’t be needing no book, he said.

i pointed out the gold letters on the front. i can read this word, i said.

so you’re gonna learn to read?

he’s teaching me and i’m gonna do it.

what d’you wanna do that for?

cos i can. cos other people can.

grandfather laughed. you won’t be needing words down here, he said. there ain’t no books to read here. only teats to pull and horses to lead and eggs to gather.

and sheep to herd, i said.

and shit to shovel, he said.

and bollocks to castrate, i said.

now now, he said. can’t have you speaking like that now you’re growing to be a young lady.

i ain’t ever gonna be no young lady.

so you gonna read to me then?

i only know two words.

he started to laugh and then i did too.

you better learn some more, he said, or you ain’t reading to me. i’d soon get bored with two words over and over.

i am gonna learn more, i said. and when i have i’ll come down and read to you. would you like that?

you’d make an old man proud.

then i’ll do it.

you’d better hurry up. i ain’t getting no younger.

don’t say that.

it’s true.

he tried to sit up and i helped him. he grabbed my hand. mary, he said. get me summat to eat.

you’re sposed to be dying. what am i gonna say?

say i must be so pleased to see you i got the old appetite back.

i’ll tell them i forced you to agree to eat.

that’ll do it.

i stood to go.

mary.

what?

make us a cup of tea and all.

i stayed till it was near dark. i helped mother with the butter. and then i went out in the yard to go home and that is when i saw violet who was coming back from feeding the pig.

her belly was sticking out and the rest of her was thin as a wheat reed. and then there was the way she was walking same as one of the ducks in the yard. her hips moved like they was stuck to each other.

what you gonna do when it comes out? i asked.

she shrugged. dunno, she said. i told them i didn’t know whose it is. i told them it was one of the casual hands.

did father believe you?

reckon he didn’t have no choice. he said i can’t keep it. says it’s got to go.

you gonna let it go?

don’t have no choice.

she looked down and kicked a stone with her foot. he ever say anything? she asked but she didn’t look at me.

ralph? i asked.

yeh. him.

he’s gone, i said. to university. i did tell him.

o.

we stood there for a moment.

he say anything about it?

not really.

o.

i got to go, i said. keep an eye on grandfather.

yeh.

and i left. and she stood there and when i turned round before the bend in the lane she was still standing there.

mr graham called me in his study again that night. the lamp was lit and the thick curtains drawn. the fire burned. i closed the door as he asked and sat at the desk.

did you bring your book? he asked.

i took it out my apron pocket and put it on the table. i opened it and showed him the words i found. look, i said, i know what this says.

good. and this word again?

bible
.

excellent. now let us start on the first line. we have the word
in
, then this one you know.

the
.

exactly.
in the
 . . .

i know that’s a b.

good. b. e. g. i. n. n. i. n. g. that spells out
beginning
.
in the beginning
.

that night i opened the book again by the light of the candle and i read with my finger going slow beneath each letter.
in the beginning
.

i traced with my finger upon my bed. i made all the letters so they’d be fixed in my head for i didn’t want them to go.

i blew out the flame and edna slept only i couldn’t sleep and i traced it again and again on the sheet.

in the beginning
.

this is my book and i am writing it by my own hand.

it is now the year of lord eighteen hundred and thirty one and i am still sitting by my window and i am still writing my book.

i can see my own face in the window glass. my hair and my skin is pale.

i am bent over and my pot of ink is in front of me and a pile of papers is to my left.

and you see how i had to learn every letter what i am now writing.

i don’t like to tell you all this. there are things i do not want to say.

but i told my self i would tell you everything that happened. i said i would say it all and for this i must do it.

autumn changed in to winter so quickly i thought i had lost some days.

each morning in the dark of the room under the eaves, i pulled my clothing in to the bed and waited for that they were warm enough and then i put them on. the house was silent and i got up before edna was awake and before mr graham was downstairs. and i went in the study and cleaned out the ashes. i laid the fire new with wood and paper and lit it then went in to the kitchen and lit the fire there in the range then i had to go back to the study and keep an eye on the fire in there so it was warm enough for when he came down. and then i had to get the hot water for his shave before making the tea and preparing for the breakfast.

my hands became chapped and raw.

i did tell edna how cold it was and asked could she come down some days but she said i was used to getting up for the milking that we did every morning and for this i would be used to the cold.

yes, i said, but then i had the cow’s heat to warm me.

the door in to the white room was kept closed and the door in to the dining room was kept closed so those rooms did not have to have fires and we put covers on the furniture. and we put stops by the doors so the drafts did not go in. we used only the kitchen and the study and i placed rugs down on the flagstones in the hallway.

mr graham ate all his meals in his study on his own.

it was dark when i got up and dark when i went to bed.

the kitchen was warm and edna did fall asleep by the fire in the afternoons and i sat on the wooden stool and peeled the vegetables.

and then one day mr graham went away to visit ralph and was gone for a week and we did some special cleaning where we scrubbed the whole house and waxed it again no matter how cold the rooms were and we went in to the church and we cleaned that and my hands was more sore.

and then the day come when mr graham returned.

the horse and carriage stopped outside and we rushed out to get his bags and edna made a big breakfast of bacon and kidneys though it was not really morning and i took it in to him in his study what was warm for that the fire was lit ready for him.

welcome home, sir, i said.

thank you.

how was ralph?

he smiled. he was well, thank you. he seems to be enjoying studying. i’m rather relieved as you can imagine. and how has it been here?

we done what you asked us to.

good. and the weather?

it was cold like this though the sun was out most days. reckon it was to show us where we missed with the cleaning.

how odd. we had no sun at all. in fact it rained every day.

he picked up his knife and fork and started to cut up the bacon. then he saw i hadn’t gone. is there something else? he asked.

yes.

well go on, speak before my food gets cold.

i wondered, sir, will you have time to learn me some more?

teach
. will i have time to
teach
you some more. i teach. you learn.

then can i learn some more?

he nodded and smiled. you are eager, he said. we’ll continue this evening. we will start on writing tonight. yes. that’s what we will do.

that afternoon i peeled the swede and cut off the end what was had by the frost and i got it ready for edna but she didn’t come in the kitchen. i went in the garden and in the cold store in case she was getting some other vegetables but she wasn’t there. i went up the stairs and up again and in to our room. and i found her sitting on the bed in the cold and she was holding her shawl around her and she had her box on the bed. i asked her if she was all right.

i’m going, she said.

and i asked what did she mean? where was she going?