The Comedy of Errors (7 page)

Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine:

Clings to his sleeve

Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,

Whose weakness, married to thy
stronger state
¹⁷⁴
,

Makes me with thy strength to
communicate.
¹⁷⁵

If aught
possess
thee from me, it is
dross
¹⁷⁶
,

Usurping ivy,
brier
, or
idle
¹⁷⁷
moss,

Who all for want of pruning,
with intrusion
¹⁷⁸
,

Infect thy sap and live on thy
confusion.
¹⁷⁹

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    To me she speaks, she
moves me for her theme
¹⁸⁰
;

Aside

What, was I married to her in my dream?

Or sleep I now, and think I hear all this?

What
error
¹⁸³
drives our eyes and ears amiss?

Until I know this
sure uncertainty
¹⁸⁴
,

I’ll
entertain
the
offered fallacy.
¹⁸⁵

LUCIANA
    Dromio, go bid the servants
spread
¹⁸⁶
for dinner.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    O,
for
my
beads
, I
cross me
¹⁸⁷
for a sinner.

Crosses himself

This is the fairy land. O spite of spites,

We talk with goblins,
owls
and
sprites
¹⁸⁹
;

If we obey them not, this will ensue:

They’ll suck our breath or pinch us black and blue.

LUCIANA
    Why
prat’st thou
¹⁹²
to thyself and answer’st not?

Dromio, thou Dromio, thou snail, thou slug, thou
sot.
¹⁹³

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    I am
transformèd
¹⁹⁴
, master, am I not?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    I think thou art in mind, and so am I.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Thou hast thine own form.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    No, I am an
ape.
¹⁹⁸

LUCIANA
    If thou art changed to
aught
¹⁹⁹
, ’tis to an ass.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    ’Tis true, she
rides
me and I long for
grass.
²⁰⁰

’Tis so, I am an ass, else it could never be

But I should know her as well as she knows me.

ADRIANA
    Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,

To
put the finger in the eye and weep
²⁰⁴
,

Whilst man and master
laughs my woes to scorn.
²⁰⁵

Come, sir, to dinner.— Dromio,
keep
²⁰⁶
the gate.—

Husband, I’ll dine
above
²⁰⁷
with you today,

And
shrive
²⁰⁸
you of a thousand idle pranks.—

Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,

Say he dines
forth
²¹⁰
, and let no creature enter.—

Come, sister.— Dromio, play the porter well.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?

Aside

Sleeping or waking, mad or
well-advised?
²¹³

Known unto these and to myself disguised?

I’ll say as they say, and
persever
²¹⁵
so,

And in this mist
at all adventures go.
²¹⁶

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Master, shall I be porter at the gate?

ADRIANA
    Ay, and let none enter, lest I break your pate.

LUCIANA
    Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all,

My wife is
shrewish
when I
keep not hours
²
;

Say that I lingered with you at your shop

To see the making of her
carcanet
⁴
,

And that tomorrow you will bring it home.

But here’s a villain that would
face me down
⁶

He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,

And
charged
⁸
him with a thousand marks in gold,

And that I did deny my wife and house.

Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know:

That you beat me at the mart, I have your
hand
¹²
to show.

If the skin were parchment and the blows you gave were ink,

Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    I think thou art an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Marry, so it doth appear

By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.

I should kick, being kicked, and being
at that pass
¹⁸
,

You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    You’re
sad
, Signior Balthasar. Pray God our
cheer
²⁰

May
answer
²¹
my good will and your good welcome here.

BALTHASAR
    
I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
²²

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    O, Signior Balthasar,
either at
flesh
²³
or fish,

A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.

BALTHASAR
    Good meat, sir, is common, that every
churl
²⁵
affords.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words.

BALTHASAR
    
Small cheer
²⁷
and great welcome makes a merry feast.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Ay, to a niggardly host, and more
sparing
²⁸
guest.

But though my
cates
be
mean
, take them in good
part
²⁹
,

Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.

But
soft
³¹
, my door is locked.— Go bid them let us in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian,
Ginn!
³²

Speaks from the other side of the door

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    
Mome
,
malt-horse
,
capon
,
coxcomb
, idiot,
patch
³³
,

Either get thee from the door or sit down at the
hatch
³⁴
:

Dost thou
conjure for wenches
, that thou call’st for such
store
³⁵
,

When
one is one too many?
³⁶
Go, get thee from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    What patch is made our porter? My master
stays
³⁷
in the street.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Let him walk
from
³⁸
whence he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Who talks within there?
Ho
³⁹
, open the door.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Right, sir, I’ll tell you when, an you’ll tell me wherefore.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Wherefore? For my dinner: I have not dined today.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Nor today here you must not, come again when you may.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    What art thou that keep’st me out from the house I
owe?
⁴³

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    O, villain, thou hast stol’n both mine
office
⁴⁵
and my name:

The one ne’er got me credit, the other
mickle
⁴⁶
blame.

If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place,
⁴⁷

Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass.

LUCE
    What a
coil
⁴⁹
is there, Dromio? Who are those at the gate?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Let my master in, Luce.

LUCE
    Faith, no, he comes too late, and so tell your master.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    O lord, I must laugh.

Have at
you with a proverb — Shall I
set in my staff?
⁵³

LUCE
    Have at you with another, that’s —
When? Can you tell?
⁵⁴

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    If thy name be called Luce — Luce, thou hast answered him well.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Do you hear, you
minion
⁵⁶
, you’ll let us in, I hope?

To Luce

LUCE
    I thought to have asked you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    And you said no.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    So come, help.

They beat the door

Well struck, there was
blow
⁶⁰
for blow.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Thou
baggage
⁶¹
, let me in.

To Luce

LUCE
    Can you tell for whose sake?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Master, knock the door hard.

LUCE
    Let him
knock
⁶⁴
till it ache.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

LUCE
    
What needs all that, and a pair of
stocks
⁶⁶
in the town?

ADRIANA
    Who is that at the door that
keeps
⁶⁷
all this noise?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly
boys.
⁶⁸

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Are you there, wife? You might have come before.

ADRIANA
    Your wife, sir knave? Go, get you from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    
If you went in pain, master, this ‘knave’ would go sore.
⁷¹

ANGELO
    Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome. We would
fain
⁷²
have either.

BALTHASAR
    In debating which was best, we shall
part
⁷³
with neither.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    They stand at the door, master, bid them welcome hither.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    There is something
in the wind
⁷⁵
, that we cannot get in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    You would say so, master, if your garments were
thin.
⁷⁶

Your
cake
here is warm within: you
stand
⁷⁷
here in the cold.

It would make a man mad as a
buck
to be so
bought and sold.
⁷⁸

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Go fetch me something, I’ll break
ope
⁷⁹
the gate.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    
Break any breaking
⁸⁰
here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    A man may
break a word
⁸¹
with you, sir, and words are but wind:

Ay, and
break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
⁸²

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    It seems thou
want’st breaking.
Out upon thee,
hind!
⁸³

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Here’s too much ‘out upon thee!’ I pray thee let me in.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Ay, when
fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.
⁸⁵