Authors: Sven Hassel
Do you remember Limpy Egon? It was him you and the fur Jews son David was always with when you were
on the streets doing unlegal things. Hed got a new job at the Hansa Breweries and then he died. Drank himself to death they called it. He got dizzy looking down into one of them big beer vats and fell into it. But hecouldnt never keep away from the drink. They do say the beer tastes better since Limpy fell down into it.
You havent ever in all your life seen as much rain as weve been having in Hamburg for the last nine weeks and three days and all the accidents that have happened. Here they are then. The Elbe went up over the red line and thats you and your mates fault. We have got no lifeboats. You took them all with you to Russia. It isnt right you taking everything off to Russia with you and us having to do without at home. Were Germans too you know and just as good as you soldiers. The Führer keeps on saying were a
Herrenvolk
. Up you Jack. I reckon Germanys the arsehole of the universe and theres a lot more as says the same. To be honest with you Wolfgang you ought to get up and show theres some good in you. Tell your mates to stop this stupid war. You can do it if you want to. The parson said you could. You know him, the bloke that goes knocking on doors with the word. I can’t remember what hes called. Something foreign but who cares anyhow. Stadthausbrucke 8 picked him up so we wont be seeing or hearing his Bible words no more. But it was barmy of him to be a traitor. The Führer dont like that kind of thing.
The other day me and Emma found one of them secret papers the ones your not supposed to read but we read it anyway. A persons only human after all. It said in it that the German soldiers ought to just go over and make pals with the Russians and the whole world war would be over. Remember now to tell your mates about it. But dont let nobody from the party hear you saying it. Now the secret paper dont come any more. Them who was writing it have got picked up by Stadthausbrucke too.
They got their legs broke before they got shot. It must hurt a lot to get your legs broke. Do you remember when I broke my little finger? It did hurt and it must be a lot worse to break a whole leg. You have to watch your tongue here if you dont want your legs broke and your head cut off after. Im going to be careful to say Heil Hitler to everybody. Then they cant say I aint faithful.
Things are happening all the time here in Hamburg and so we dont have to worry about what to do to pass the time with. Last night we had five warnings and the Martens that live in Altona got a bomb right in the middle of their bed. Lucky for them it was cause the Gestapo turned up an hour later to pinch them. They were very annoyed that there wasnt nobody to pinch. Them English ought to have been a bit more careful.
Our sister Eva says too its better to get killed than picked up alive by the Gestapo and our sister knows what shes on about. Shes gone up in the world she has and has got a job wiping the dust off the desks at Stadthausbrücke 8 where she sees things your not supposed to. She saw a bloke being interviewed they call it the other day. First they broke all his fingers then they pulled the nails off his toes. Then they whipped him with steel wire and put electric current through him that he had to pay for himself. They put everything on the bill says Eva so it must cost a bit to get arrested. Then this bloke fell out of the window from the fourth floor. He must have come down head first cause it was all bashed out of shape and nearly crushed. He got to pay for the window he broke too.
Our sister Trudy – you know her that was born in the milk shop – shes had a nipper but she cant remember whose it is. She never said if it was a boy or a girl so I cant tell you if your an aunt or an uncle.
The Baumüllers over in Altona have had a wedding. We went to it and never sobered up til after Easter. It was their lodger Long Hans that got married but the Gestapo
came for him and they say hes dead now. His name was on the red posters they stick up all over the place when somebody gets his head chopped off at Fuhlsbüttel. It was the funniest party I ever went to. Long Hans never got married but he had a lovely
Polterabend
. Hed have been happy about it still if he hadnt got his head chopped off in the meantime. We all went off on bikes to the Louise on the Reeperbahn. Us girls sat on the crossbars cause there wasnt enough bikes to go round. There was two that got run over by a tram. They got killed. Then there was one that fell down a cellar stairs on his bike. He got killed too. His bike was ruined but lucky for him it was one he had pinched. One of them got himself caught in the door of the elevator to the Elbe tunnel. He wasnt really with us just a gate-crasher he was. But he was lucky. He was going that fast he went straight into the Elbe elevator. His bike hadnt got no brakes on it. If hed stopped a No 1 tram that was coming rushing down the hill from Fischmarkt would have killed him stone dead.
We was over at The Louise about seven. I know Ive got the time right cause my gent had his wristwatch on and said it was seven and it was a good watch as had once belonged to a Jew.
Us ladies got champagne and cherry wine. I drunk a whole bottle and got that happy I forgot about Wolfgang and all my other sorrows. The gents drunk Bummelunder
*
and beer from the time they come in the door til the coppers turned up from David Station.
Jensen from Hansa Platz 7 got into a row with the bridegroom. They pulled their knives and the bridegroom cut Jensens nose off. How he did bleed but we were that happy we didnt care. Then Jensen cut the bridegrooms hair off and he bled even more.
Then we had a bit of a dance and had some more champagne and cherry wine. Then the knives come out
again. Emmy her with the glass eye got her ears cut off. It didnt suit her a bit. The bridegroom went right off his nut after hed drunk a whole bottle of Bummelunder with beer in it. He lost his mind altogether and started swinging a long knife round over his head. Hes some kind of a foreigner from Austria. You must excuse me but if I was to meet the Führer Id ask him if he couldnt keep all these foreigners out of the country. They do nothing but make trouble. But we probably wont ever meet. People who get up on top of the tree dont remember where they came from.
Then the bulls come running from the David. Theyd got helmets on with straps under their chins so we couldnt knock them off. What a row there was. There was no windows left in The Louise after cause a lot of the coppers and guests left that way and all the chairs was broken cause of people sitting down too hard on them. Then they started throwing the tables at the tecs but the Flying Squad turned up and put a stop to the party. The kitchen was all smashed up and there was never a pot or pan left without a dent in it. So then they arrested us and took us all over to David and there we sung that loud they could hear us down at Landungsbrücke and people come running down to see what was going on. There
was
a crowd.
Detective-inspector Nass called us all sorts of things and nearly went crazy. Outside the whole Reeperbahn was singing and inside the wedding party was singing but nobody was singing the same song. If you dont all shut up soon Im finished with you lot shouted Detective-inspector Nass. Then they took us in in groups and questioned us.
You got no nose said Mr Nass to Mr Jensen. The man who cut that off must be punished. Thats been seen to inspector said Mr Jensen. It was that Austrian bridegroom but its all fixed up. Ive got his prick in my pocket.
Well later on the whole wedding party met in the jail. It wasnt too bad. They still have single cells but nobodys
in them on their own. The prisons are that full up there aint hardly room for the warders. We got
ersatz
coffee with powdered milk and some army bread. Two slices a piece with a spoonful of turnip jam. There was a lot there could tell about things you never heard of usual. Well we got out again but not all of us. I dont know where them as didnt get out went to but nobodys heard of them since. Everybody at home sends their good wishes and Mom says your to do something brave for the Führer and the Fatherland. If you get a big medal your pension will be bigger when you get shot. You could at the least do that much for Mom and dont forget your not part of my husbands family.
Goodbye for now
Your sister
Emilia Louise Bock born Creutzfeldt
State Railways Cleaning Assistant
Hamburg/Al tona
‘That brother-in-law as is married to my sister Emilie an’ won’t be related to me can just wait till I get ’ome,’ growls Tiny viciously. ‘’E’d do well to count’is bones, so’s’e’ll know which of ’em’s missin’ afterwards!’
We have only been asleep a short while when the company orderly comes rushing in to tell the Old Man he’s to report to the OC immediately.
‘Heavenly posting for you,’ he grins, maliciously. ‘This time you’re going to get your backsides burnt proper. The order’s from right up top, and it got TOP SECRET stamped all over it, back and sides.’
‘What the devil’s up now?’ growls the Old Man sourly, pulling on his ankle-length winter cloak, and swinging his machine-pistol over his shoulder.
‘Clear as mud,’ grins Porta, scratching at his pigeon breast with both hands. That’s where the lice have a tendency to hold their get-togethers. ‘It’s Sally at the War
Ministry who’s pushing all the buttons needed to get us off on our private gold-prospecting mission. Put your warm woollens on, my boys! It’s goin’ to get very cold, cold as all Hell, before we get home again with our gold.’
‘Here goes the curtain for the first act,’ says the Old Man, when he comes back. ‘The official order says we’re to cause disturbance and create panic behind the enemy lines, and we’re to bring a General Skulowsky back with us, whoever the guy is!’
‘Create panic! We’ll do that all right,’ says Porta, laughing shortly. ‘But who the devil’s this General Stink-anovitch? We can ask our way, anyhow. Maybe my bint’s feller knows him!’
‘And remember. All this stuff’s TOP SECRET,’ the Old Man goes on. ‘Our heads an’ necks both are on the line if anything leaks out! We’re not even to talk about it amongst ourselves. “War Minister” Sally must’ve used up all the ink in the ministry stampin’ TOP SECRET on everything. Field-Marshal Keitel’s name’s on the bottom of the order, only he don’t know it, and the plan’s been made by Field-Marshal Walter Model, who doesn’t know anything about it either.’
‘
Cojones
! They’ll shoot us three times over if they ever find out,’ sighs Barcelona, nervously. ‘But they do say the cheekier you are the better things go for you!’
‘If this goes the way we want it, I’m goin’ to buy a big medal for Sally,’ roars Tiny, slapping himself happily on the thighs.
In the course of the night we were issued with Russian uniforms, and the tanks painted with red stars and Cyrillic lettering.
‘If Ivan Stinkanovitch gets his claws into us, we’ll have had the most of our lives already,’ says Barcelona, gloomily.
It is snowing heavily, and visibility is no more than a couple of yards, when we load the tanks on to runners. Horses are to draw them through the Russian lines to avoid the rattle of tracks and the noise of the motors.
Snarling MPs keep everybody away from the secret transport.
‘Miserable way to go,’ sighs Porta, watching a couple of MPs drag off a civilian who has been a little too inquisitive.
It is only when we have got a good way over on the far side of the river that we remove the German transfers and the Russian signs come into view. DEATH TO THE FASCISTS is written in large Cyrillic letters on the Panther’s turret.
‘
Job Tvojemadj
,’ grunts Tiny, sticking out his chest like a second Ivan the Terrible.
‘Watch out now. NO Commie fists!’ the Old Man warns them. ‘Here they salute just like we do. They’re very touchy about that in the Red Army. It’s only civilians who clench their fists and shout Red Front!’
Wir waren einfach, weil das Volk einfach ist. Wir dachten primitiv, weil das Volk primitiv denkt. Wir waren agressiv, weil das Volkradikal ist
*
Joseph Goebbels
He opened the breech, threaded in a new belt of cartridges, and smacked the cover back on
.
‘
Bloody shit,’ he said. ‘Can you hear ’em
.’
‘
Tanks,’ answered his no 2. ‘you got any bread? I’m hungry as hell. Haven’t hada bite for the last two days. Bloody, rotten war
!’
‘
Ate the last I had this morning,’ replied the machine-gunner, ‘and that was a bit I found on a body
!’
‘
We’re not even worth a crumb of bread,’ growled the no. 2. ‘They chase us like we were rats. Tell us to hold out! What for? So’s those shits can save their own lives
!’
‘
Shit the lot of it’ said the machine-gunner, staring at the rows of ruins. ‘Now they don’t even give us grub any more. We have to steal it where we can find it. It’s a wonder we got a bit of ammo dished nut this morning
!’
‘
That’s the way it always goes,’ answered the no 2, pulling his coat collar up round his ears. ‘Ammunition they can give us, but food’s quite another thing
!’
‘
What do you say we knock off for good? Now! Change FPOs! Ivan can’t be as badas they say. Anyway it can’t be worse over there than it is here
!’
They both got to their feet, threw their MG into a stream, and went crouching forward slowly across the stub bled field
.
An MG snarled in short bursts
.
The no 2 was hit first. Then the machine-gunner was thrown across the wreck of a vehicle. A flock of crows flew up from the ruins, cawing harshly
.