The Complete Rockstar Series (46 page)

So what? I’m not the only one to lose someone. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Misery loves company? That’s rubbish, because right now, my miserable self wants to be left completely and totally alone.

D
ax

T
hree months later
.

“
C
hrist you’re being
a miserable bastard today,” Adam says, glaring at me from across the tiny sound studio. “What do you have to complain about?”

“Fuck off, Reynolds,” I growl.

Adam’s eyes flash with anger. “We’re never going to get this done if you don’t man up and bloody concentrate!”

Hawke and Gavin are watching us carefully, their eyes bouncing back and forth between the two of us as we argue.

“Don’t fucking talk to me about responsibility, Reynolds! Half the time we’re due for studio time you’re either rat-arsed or coming off the piss, so sod the fuck off!” I roar.

Adam’s eyes go wider than I’ve ever seen. I’m normally sympathetic to his issues with alcohol. Even more so now that I know what it’s like to love someone and lose her. Today is just not the day to fuck with me. I’m confused and angry and ready for the closest target to let loose all of that negative energy on.

Adam just made himself the obvious choice.

He yanks off his guitar strap, placing the instrument on its stand. “Fuck you, Davies!” he snarls before turning on his heel and storming out of the booth.

“Well, that went wonderfully,” Hawke says. “I guess we’re taking a break?”

A voice booms over the speakers “Jesus. Yes, take a ten-minute break. Davies, in here. Now.” Our sound engineer Gary is in the booth on the other side of the glass, his expression stormy.

Gavin pats my shoulder and follows Hawke out of the room. I put my guitar down and count to three before entering the control room. Gary is scowling, ready to explode in anger.

“What the fuck, Dax?” He leans back in his chair, staring me down with hard, grey eyes.

“Reckon I’m not feeling it today.” I say it unapologetically. Sue me, I feel like being a whinging bastard today. I’m entitled after the dream I had last night.

“Too bad. You’re booked in here through the rest of the week and Griffin expects it all to be laid down by then.” Gary narrows his eyes, challenging me to defy him.

A challenge? That, I can do.

“Griffin can go fuck himself,” I snarl, storming out of the booth. Gary tosses out threats that bounce harmlessly off my back. I’m too busy fuming to pay attention.

Of course, since today seems to be the day that karma kicks my ass, I run right into Lila and that bloody film crew that follows her everywhere. She always manages to get her schedule to coincide with mine.

She’s either a bloody psychic or she’s stalking me. I know which one I think it is.

“Daxey babe, there you are.” I duck aside before she can get her octopus arms around me. Lila is flat out barmy. Nearly three fucking
years
of me dodging her, ignoring her, and even yelling obscenities at her and she still thinks we’re a couple. She’s completely demented.

Three months ago, daddy got her a reality TV show and her number one goal is to prove to the world that she and I are madly in love.

Never going to happen.

Unfortunately for me, being a complete wanker to her hasn’t worked. The first episode aired a few weeks back and they edited all that shit out, making it look like my sole purpose in life is to hang around Lila. I threatened to sue her for misrepresenting me, but Ross said something about an appendix on television appearances in our contract. It’s worded so broadly that he says there’s nothing I can do except try to avoid getting caught on camera.

Easier said than done when you have a five foot one, hundred pound, bleach blonde stalker who happens to be the daughter of your boss, a very important man in the entertainment industry.

“Let’s not have a repeat of last week, Lila.” I smirk at one of her cameramen who swallows nervously.

“Oh Daxey, you wouldn’t hit Kirk again, right?” She turns to Kirk, his camera shaking in his hand. “He’s kidding, Kirk.”

“No, I’m not.” I shoot him a lethal glare.

Kirk made the mistake of getting way too close while trying to capture a shot of Lila attempting to wrestle a kiss out of me.

“It’s not my fault you’re learning impaired, Lila. I’ll do it again in a heartbeat if you or him ever gets that close to me again.” I stab a finger in Kirk’s direction, causing the man to go ghostly pale.

Lila’s mouth flattens into a line, then she smiles wickedly. “Don’t be such a grouch, Daxey.” She leans in to my side, trying to get a few shots that make us look like a cozy couple.

“Sod off.” Without a second thought, I walk away, leaving Lila to stumble without my shoulder supporting her. I ignore her pleas for me to come back, grateful when I turn a corner and can’t hear her annoying voice anymore.

“Dax!”

I stop, looking into one of the small rooms that are used for ‘talent’ to rest up between recording sessions to see who’s shouting. I find Adam leaning just inside the door. “Get your stupid arse in here.” He motions for me to enter.

“Adam,” I rub the back of my neck. “I’m in a really really shitty mood right now, yeah? It’s probably not a good idea—”

He steps into the hall and yanks me inside the room by the wrist, slamming the door behind us.

“Too bad. I was never in the mood for
your
harassing when I was hung over or acting like a wanker, but you never let up on me. And I have to tell you, I’m grateful for it.”

My eyebrows must shoot up into my hairline I’m so surprised. Adam has never once let on that he appreciates my efforts to keep him sober. All he ever does is call me and the other blokes nags while he starts his whinging.

“You’re grateful?”

Adam folds his arms across his chest, leaning against the wall. “Yep. So, now you know. I actually do hear you when you tell me to get my head together, to man up and quit burying my head in a bottle. I don’t always do what you want, but I know you’re there for me. To pay you back, you’re going to tell me what the hell is going on and let me be there for you.”

My best mate, the one person in the entire world who knows me better than I know myself, is staring at me hopefully, waiting for me to do the one thing I never, ever do… let someone in.

I hate to admit it, but I’m exhausted. Years of being a rock, ignoring my own needs and feelings, putting up a strong front for everyone—it’s fucking killing me. Maybe it’s time to let someone else share the burden. Since it can’t be Kate, it may as well be Adam.

“Fine.” I move past Adam and sit on the small sofa tucked to one side of the room. “It’s about Kate.”

Adam rolls his eyes. “Of course it is. I’m not stupid you know. What happened with her?”

“How did you—?”

“Dax. I’ve known you a long time. Years. More than a decade actually. The only time you get emotional in any way is when you’re thinking about Kate or your dad.”

“I’m not emotional,” I say defensively.

He snorts. “Not in a touchy-feely way, no. More like an
‘I’m so angry I’m going to beat the absolute shite out of you’
way. You only have two settings, icy cold and erupting volcano.”

I bristle at his apt description. “Whatever.”

“Don’t be a big girl’s blouse. We all have our weaknesses.” Adam is grinning. “What happened?”

I tell him what I dreamt this morning. “Kate was being attacked. I couldn’t get to her. Fuck! It was awful mate. To see it, to feel so helpless.”

He nods, swallowing loudly. “Yeah. That would be awful.” His voice wavers as he speaks. I scowl at Adam’s odd response.

“Anyway,” I continue, “I woke up sweating with my heart racing so fast, it was as if it were going to explode in my chest. It felt so real.” I lean over and put my elbows on my knees, running my hands through my hair. “You know my dad and his rules.”

“Yeah. I remember.”

“I refused to break any of them in the dream. I refused to get upset. I let her think I didn’t give a shit that she was being hurt. It was as if
I
was the one hurting her. I…” I breathe deeply, wincing when it hitches in my chest. “I didn’t fight for her, defend her. She’s… she’s like fucking family, Adam. And I did nothing.”

Neither of us speaks for a few minutes, digesting what my dream means, if it even means anything.

“Well,” Adam says, nervously rubbing the back of his head, “I’m sure it means that you think you let her down somehow. That you think of yourself as her protector…” he stops, tears welling up in his eyes.
Goddamn tears over my dream!

“What is this about?” I snap, standing up to pace the tiny room. The stress has me so wound up I’m ready to burst out of my own skin. The room feels smaller all of a sudden, like I’m being squeezed from all sides.

This must be what the Hulk feels like right before he rips his clothes and turns green. “Why are you all touchy and sensitive? It was
my
fucking dream!
My
fucking girl, Adam!”

He turns, snarling at me, his hands gripping his hair in frustration. “She’s not
your
girl, Dax! You dumped her, or have you forgotten? You had
everything
and you tossed it, you stupid sod!”

I glare at him, clenching my fists. “Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”

“‘I’m not trying to pick a fight. But…fuck.” Adam lets out a huge breath. “There’s something you should know. About Kate.” He sits on the sofa, leaning forward with his hands covering his face. “Shit. I promised I wouldn’t say anything, but…”

A chill wracks my body, putting goose bumps down my arms. The temperature in the room just dropped ten degrees. Adam’s behavior has an ominous feeling hanging over me, as if the floor is about to fall out and I’ll find myself hanging by an invisible noose that has somehow slipped around my neck.

If Adam doesn’t tell me what’s going on in the next ten seconds, I’m going to flatten him into a smudge on the floor. As strong as I think I am, as much control as I think I have over my actions, it’s seems to be that when it comes to Kate, I have very little choice in the matter as to what I do next.

Then, he speaks and my world fucking shatters.

“
D
ax
! Let go! You’re choking him!”

Hawke and Gary are trying to pull my hands off of Adam, who I have shoved against the wall by his throat.

“He fucking knew and didn’t tell me!”

“What are you talking about?” Hawke yells, tugging uselessly on my left arm.

The rage I feel is so overwhelming, so all encompassing, that I have no way to stop it. It’s as if time lapsed, skipping over parts like a bad stop motion film. One second Adam was telling me that Kate was sexually assaulted at uni, the next, I have him up on his toes with my hand wrapped around my neck and my mates trying to pull me off.

“Dax…” Adam gasps, his face turning red.

I’m about to let Adam go when electrified pain shoots down my body. I drop to the ground, my hands flying up to my neck to stop the source of the agony.

“Don’t move,” someone says from behind where I’m writhing on my knees.

“Gavin?” I should have known it was him. After the way he fucking dropped me when I broke up with Kate, I’ve been more cautious around him since that day. But not today. All I saw was red.

I claw at Gavin’s hand, his long fingers deep in the hollow on one side of my collarbone.

“Stay still,” he commands in a firm, very un-Gavin like tone.

Still on fire from the crippling pain, I lower my hands in defeat.

“I’m going to let you go but you have to promise you’ll calm down.” Gavin sounds like an entirely different person. Gone is the sweet, playful man I’m familiar with. Replaced by a cold, ruthless soldier.

“I won’t.” My chest is heaving. Not from exertion, not from pain, but from the pure physical anguish of my heart breaking.

Gavin releases his grip, slowly removing his hand. Without it, the pain stops instantly and I fold over onto my hands and knees. I can hear Adam in the background, apologizing over and over, “I’m sorry mate. So sorry. “

I can’t listen. All of my attention is on the voices in my head screaming at how I’ve failed. Failed Kate. Failed the band. Failed myself.

The control I so desperately seek is always just out of reach. Everything is falling apart around me and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do about it.

I fist my hands in my hair and for the first time in my life, I
willingly
set my emotions free. I welcome them. I deserve every single painful lash of the mental whipping I torture myself with. I’d take more if I could. As it is, my suffering pales in comparison to what Kate’s been through.

After I’ve let it all out and am crumpled, spent, on the floor, someone’s arms come around me, helping me stagger to my feet.

“Let’s go home, yeah?”

“Adam? I-I’m sorry mate.” I lean heavily on my best friend, letting him share the burden. Fuck, he already
does
share the burden. Add him to the long list of people whose life has been fucked up by Dax Davies.

K
ate

“
O
h my god
, no you didn’t!” Myriah squeals from her perch on the sofa in the house she rents with three other girls from the footy team.

“She totally did,” Bridget giggles. “Brittany made out with Bud after last week’s frat party!”

I cringe at the mention of the frat, unwelcome memories assaulting me. None of them know what happened after that party, and none of them ever will.

“Kate, you should have been there. It was a really good time.” Myriah throws her arm over my shoulder, hugging me to her side.

“Right. Sorry. I had loads to do with classes and midterms and what not.” I squirm uncomfortably at my teammates’ scrutiny. Or maybe it’s my imagination and they’re not looking at me oddly at all. This is my first outing since…
it
happened, and what little self-confidence I had built up, evaporated like an oasis in the desert.

“Well. Midterms are over, so you’ll have plenty of time to hang out with us now.” Brittany smiles at me from across the cozy living room. “And I did
not
make out with Bud,” she insists. Everyone starts chattering, refuting her claim. Brittany holds up a hand to silence them. “I got a piece of his hot ass!”