The Complete Works of Leo Tolstoy (25+ Works with active table of contents) (314 page)

LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I tell you I can't do it, and I can't! I haven't got it.

VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Why, you have just sold some land.

LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. In the first place I have not sold it! And above all, do leave me in peace! Weren't you told I was engaged? [Exit, slamming door].

THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I told you this was not the right moment.

VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Well, I say! Here's a position to be in! I'll go and see mamma--that's my only hope. He's going crazy over his spiritualism and forgets everything else. [Goes upstairs].

Theodore Ivánitch takes newspaper and is just going to sit down, when Betsy and Márya Konstantínovna, followed by Gregory, come down the stairs.

BETSY. Is the carriage ready?

GREGORY. Just coming to the door.

BETSY [to Márya Konstantínovna] Come along, come along, I know it is he.

MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Which he?

BETSY. You know very well whom I mean--Petrístchef, of course.

MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But where is he?

BETSY. Sitting in Vovo's room. You'll see!

MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. And suppose it is not he? [The Peasants and Porter bow].

BETSY [to Porter] You brought a dress from Bourdier's?

PORTER. Yes, Miss. May I go?

BETSY. Well, I don't know. Ask my mother.

PORTER. I don't know whose it is, Miss; I was ordered to bring it here and receive the money.

BETSY. Well then, wait.

MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Is it still that costume for the charade?

BETSY. Yes, a charming costume. But mamma won't take it or pay for it.

MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But why not?

BETSY. You'd better ask mamma. She doesn't grudge Vovo 500 roubles for his dogs, but 100 is too much for a dress. I can't act dressed like a scarecrow. [Pointing to Peasants] And who are these?

GREGORY. Peasants who have come to buy some land or other.

BETSY. And I thought they were the beaters. Are you not beaters?

FIRST PEASANT. No, no, lady. We have come to see Leoníd Fyódoritch about the signing into our possession of the title-deeds to some land.

BETSY. Then how is it? Vovo was expecting some beaters who were to come to-day. Are you sure you are not the beaters? [The Peasants are silent] How stupid they are! [Goes to Vasíly Leoníditch's door] Vovo? [Laughs].

MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But we met him just now upstairs!

BETSY. Why need you remember that? Vovo, are you there?

Petrístchef enters.

PETRÍSTCHEF. Vovo is not here, but I am prepared to fulfil on his behalf anything that may be required. How do you do? How do you do, Márya Konstantínovna? [Shakes hands long and violently with Betsy, and then with Márya Konstantínovna].

SECOND PEASANT. See, it's as if he were pumping water!

BETSY. You can't replace him,--still you're better than nobody. [Laughs] What are these affairs of yours with Vovo?

PETRÍSTCHEF. What affairs? Our affairs are fie-nancial, that is, our business is fie! It's also nancial, and besides it is financial.

BETSY. What does nancial mean?

PETRÍSTCHEF. What a question! It means nothing, that's just the point.

BETSY. No, no, you have missed fire. [Laughs].

PETRÍSTCHEF. One can't always hit the mark, you know. It's something like a lottery. Blanks and blanks again, and at last you win! [Theodore Ivánitch goes into the study].

BETSY. Well, this was blank then; but tell me, were you at the Mergásofs' last night?

PETRÍSTCHEF. Not exactly at the
Mère
Gásof's, but rather at the
Père
Gásof's, or better still, at the
Fils
Gásof's.

BETSY. You can't do without puns. It's an illness. And were the Gypsies there?[3] [Laughs].

[3] The Gypsy choirs are very popular in Moscow.

PETRÍSTCHEF [sings] "On their aprons silken threads, little birds with golden heads!" ...

BETSY. Happy mortals! And we were yawning at Fofo's.

PETRÍSTCHEF [continues to sing] "And she promised and she swore, She would ope' her ... her ... her ..." how does it go on, Márya Konstantínovna?

MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. "Closet door."

PETRÍSTCHEF. How? What? How, Márya Konstantínovna?

BETSY.
Cessez, vous devenez impossible!
[4]

[4] BETSY. Cease! You are becoming quite unbearable!

PETRÍSTCHEF.
J'ai cessé, j'ai bébé, j'ai dédé....
[5]

[5] PETRÍSTCHEF. I have C said (
ceased
), B said, and D said.

BETSY. I see the only way to rid ourselves of your wit is to make you sing! Let us go into Vovo's room, his guitar is there. Come, Márya Konstantínovna, come! [Exeunt Betsy, Márya Konstantínovna, and Petrístchef].

FIRST PEASANT. Who be they?

GREGORY. One is our young lady, the other is a girl who teaches her music.

FIRST PEASANT. Administrates learning, so to say. And ain't she smart? A reg'lar picture!

SECOND PEASANT. Why don't they marry her? She is old enough, I should say.

GREGORY. Do you think it's the same as among you peasants,--marry at fifteen?

FIRST PEASANT. And that man, for example, is he also in the musitional line?

GREGORY [mimicking him] "Musitional" indeed! You don't understand anything!

FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. And stupidity, one might say, is our ignorance.

THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! [Gipsy songs and guitar accompaniment are heard from Vasíly Leoníditch's room].

Enter Simon, followed by Tánya, who watches the meeting between father and son.

GREGORY [to Simon] What do you want?

SIMON. I have been to Mr. Kaptchítch.

GREGORY. Well, and what's the answer?

SIMON. He sent word he couldn't possibly come to-night.

GREGORY. All right, I'll let them know. [Exit].

SIMON [to his father] How d'you do, father! My respects to Daddy Efím and Daddy Mítry! How are all at home?

SECOND PEASANT. Very well, Simon.

FIRST PEASANT. How d'you do, lad?

THIRD PEASANT. How d'you do, sonny?

SIMON [smiles] Well, come along, father, and have some tea.

SECOND PEASANT. Wait till we've finished our business. Don't you see we are not ready yet?

SIMON. Well, I'll wait for you by the porch. [Wishes to go away].

TÁNYA [running after him] I say, why didn't you tell him anything?

SIMON. How could I before all those people? Give me time, I'll tell him over our tea. [Exit].

Theodore Ivánitch enters and sits down by the window.

FIRST PEASANT. Respected sir, how's our business proceeding?

THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Wait a bit, he'll be out presently, he's just finishing.

TÁNYA [to Theodore Ivánitch] And how do you know, Theodore Ivánitch, he is finishing?

THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I know that when he has finished questioning, he reads the question and answer aloud.

TÁNYA. Can one really talk with spirits by means of a saucer?

THEODORE IVÁNITCH. It seems so.

TÁNYA. But supposing they tell him to sign, will he sign?

THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Of course he will.

TÁNYA. But they do not speak with words?

THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Oh, yes. By means of the alphabet. He notices at which letter the saucer stops.

TÁNYA. Yes, but at a si-ance?...

Enter Leoníd Fyódoritch.

LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, friends, I can't do it! I should be very glad to, but it is quite impossible. If it were for ready money it would be a different matter.

FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. What more could any one desire? But the people are so inpennycuous--it is quite impossible!

LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, I can't do it, I really can't. Here is your document; I can't sign it.

THIRD PEASANT. Show some pity, master; be merciful!

SECOND PEASANT. How can you act so? It is doing us a wrong.

LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Nothing wrong about it, friends. I offered it you in summer, but then you did not agree; and now I can't agree to it.

THIRD PEASANT. Master, be merciful! How are we to get along? We have so little land. We'll say nothing about the cattle; a hen, let's say, there's no room to let a hen run about.

Leoníd Fyódoritch goes up to the door and stops. Enter, descending the staircase, Anna Pávlovna and doctor, followed by Vasíly Leoníditch, who is in a merry and playful mood and is putting some bank-notes into his purse.

ANNA PÁVLOVNA [tightly laced, and wearing a bonnet] Then I am to take it?

DOCTOR. If the symptoms recur you must certainly take it, but above all, you must behave better. How can you expect thick syrup to pass through a thin little hair tube, especially when we squeeze the tube? It's impossible; and so it is with the biliary duct. It's simple enough.

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. All right, all right!

DOCTOR. Yes, "All right, all right," and you go on in the same old way. It won't do, madam--it won't do. Well, good-bye!

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No, not good-bye, only
au revoir
! For I still expect you to-night. I shall not be able to make up my mind without you.

DOCTOR. All right, if I have time I'll pop in. [Exit].

ANNA PÁVLOVNA [noticing the Peasants] What's this? What? What people are these? [Peasants bow].

THEODORE IVÁNITCH. These are peasants from Koursk, come to see Leoníd Fyódoritch about the sale of some land.

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I see they are peasants, but who let them in?

THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Leoníd Fyódoritch gave the order. He has just been speaking to them about the sale of the land.

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What sale? There is no need to sell any. But above all, how can one let in people from the street into the house? One can't let people in from the street! One can't let people into the house who have spent the night heaven knows where!... [Getting more and more excited] I daresay every fold of their clothes is full of microbes--of scarlet-fever microbes, of smallpox microbes, of diphtheria microbes! Why, they are from Koursk Government, where there is an epidemic of diphtheria ... Doctor! Doctor! Call the doctor back!

Leoníd Fyódoritch goes into his room and shuts the door. Gregory goes to recall the Doctor.

VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [smokes at the Peasants] Never mind, mamma; if you like I'll fumigate them so that all the microbes will go to pot! Eh, what?

Anna Pávlovna remains severely silent, awaiting the Doctor's return.

VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [to Peasants] And do you fatten pigs? There's a first-rate business!

FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. We do go in for the pig-fattening line now and then.

VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. This kind?... [Grunts like a pig].

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Vovo, Vovo, leave off!

VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Isn't it like? Eh, what?

FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. It's very resemblant.

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Vovo, leave off, I tell you!

SECOND PEASANT. What's it all about?

THIRD PEASANT. I said, we'd better go to some lodging meanwhile!

Enter Doctor and Gregory.

DOCTOR. What's the matter? What's happened?

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why, you're always saying I must not get excited. Now, how is it possible to keep calm? I do not see my own sister for two months, and am careful about any doubtful visitor--and here are people from Koursk, straight from Koursk, where there is an epidemic of diphtheria, right in my house!

DOCTOR. These good fellows you mean, I suppose?

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Of course. Straight from a diphtheric place!

DOCTOR. Well, of course, if they come from an infected place it is rash; but still there is no reason to excite yourself so much about it.

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. But don't you yourself advise carefulness?

DOCTOR. Of course, of course. Still, why excite yourself?

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. How can I help it? Now we shall have to have the house completely disinfected.

DOCTOR. Oh no! Why completely? That would cost 300 roubles or more. I'll arrange it cheaply and well for you. Take, to a large bottle of water ...

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Boiled?

DOCTOR. It's all the same. Boiled would be better. To one bottle of water take a tablespoon of salicylic acid, and have everything they have come in contact with washed with the solution. As to the fellows themselves, they must be off, of course. That's all. Then you're quite safe. And it would do no harm to sprinkle some of the same solution through a spray--two or three tumblers--you'll see how well it will act. No danger whatever!