The Contradiction of Solitude (26 page)

“I love you,” he continued. Barely hearing him, his begrudging sentiment lost in his fingers.

I didn’t speak. I had told him that I wouldn’t.

Elian dropped his hands. The quarry had all of his attention. Those tranquil, untouched waters gave him something he needed.

“I love you,” he repeated as though daring me to say it back.

“I love you, Lay. My perfect star. My little girl. I love you more than any other thing.”

I wouldn’t say it back.

I couldn’t.

Love was poison. It killed you slowly.

It ripped Elian a part.

“But I can’t look in your eyes and see anything but the monster.” Damaged. Over.

Never.

“I don’t want to be the monster, Elian.” I promised, I swore.

Declarations that were so very true.

For now.

Right now they were so, so true.

“The star,” Elian said, numb, unfeeling. No love. No hate. Nothing.

“I told you why I got it.” I was getting frustrated.

Explanations were a waste of time. Unnecessary.

“That was a lie.” He seemed so certain.

What was the point in arguing?

One lie. So many lies.

“He took one life but gave me another. How can I reconcile myself to that? That the devil who murdered my sister is responsible for
you?”

I said nothing.

“What sort of twisted, fucked up universe brought you into my life?” he screamed at a sky that wouldn’t answer.

Silence.

Solitude.

It gave him nothing and everything.

“I’m not him,” I said, echoing Matt’s words. His mantra meant to keep me sane. Together.

Elian ran trembling hands through his hair.

“You’re not him. I know that.”

Relief sweet and pure flooded through me.

Disappointment stabbed just as viciously.

“Don’t leave,” I whispered, holding on to him selfishly. Knowing what I now knew about the man beside me, I shouldn’t push it. I should back away. Let him find his way on his own.

The pills down the drain.

Those pills…down the drain.

I watched him closely wondering how I had missed it.

His mask was effective. It hid more than I had realized.

Even from me.

“I don’t want to,” Elian cried. Shattered.

I got to my feet and walked back to my car.

Leaving him.

Alone.

With his ghosts.

With my ghosts.

With everything that haunted the both of us.

I thought we were going to get ice cream. But we drove. And drove. And drove.

The roads were slick with rain, the night endless and forever.

Waylon Jennings sang softly and he crooned along. A deep, strong voice that I loved more than anything.

“Where are we going, Daddy?” I asked from the backseat. I was getting tired. I thought we were just going for ice cream.

We had been driving for so long.

“We’re finding a star, Lay. Just for you.”

I smiled and looked out the window. My daddy was finding me a star. I was a lucky, lucky girl.

I had the best Daddy in the whole wide world.

I read through the stories I had written down in my notebook.

In a fit of anger I ripped out one of the pages and balled it up in my fist.

Throw it away!

Deep breaths. In and out.

I slowly unclenched my fingers and laid the paper on the table. Smoothing it out. Delicately. Tenderly.

I tucked it back where it belonged and turned to blank lines. I needed safe words.

Feelings I had never before experienced flowed free.

Shallow waters

Silent nights

I lost you somewhere

Along the pebbled paths

And forgotten streams.

Don’t speak

Eyes closed

Mouths shut

Tongues tied

I lost you

Among the empty forests

And abandoned rooms.

I looked and looked

But you won’t see me

Hands out

Begging you

Stay

You

Won’t.

I hadn’t realized I was crying. The ink blotted on the paper. Smearing.

I was crying.

I was crying.

I never cried.

I was.

Falling.

Back.

Together.

M
y phone rang, interrupting empty dreams.

“Hello?”

“Layna.”

“Elian.” I gripped the phone tight in my hand.

“Can I come over?”

Can he come over?

“Yes.”

He hung up.

I got out of bed and put on my robe, walking out to the living room. The ticking clock said it was three in the morning. The darkness was thick around me. I didn’t turn on lights.

I opened the blinds and stood in front of the window. Waiting for him.

He was going to want answers.

Did I want to give them to him?

Did he deserve the secrets of my soul?

Remember. Just remember.

As if I could forget. The details, the minute facts are what I struggled with.

Blank faces. Blurred images. My mind was reeling with unknown torments.

The panic, the distress, it was bittersweet on my tongue and I swallowed it down like honey.

Sitting alone in the darkened car. I was cold. So cold. I couldn’t feel my extremities. My toes were blocks of ice. I didn’t know how long I had been there only that I wasn’t supposed to move. Minutes. Hours maybe.

But I had to stay where I was. I was supposed to listen.

But I didn’t listen. I opened the door. I took a step out into the freezing night. Darkness pressed around me like a vise and I couldn’t breathe.

The blackness.

The emptiness.

I couldn’t remember.

Or couldn’t I?

I stared out of my living room window, waiting for him. For Elian. Hoping and dreading the moment when he’d pull up in front of my apartment. I was torn with twisted contradictions.

Loving and hating.

Soft and hard.

Relaxed and rigid.

I dug my fingers into the window sash, nails breaking against wood. Blood wet on my skin.

Remember.

As if I could forget…

Memories were fiends. They kept me trapped. They would set me free. But I didn’t trust the raging beast inside with the truth.

It devoured honesty. It lived on guile. It thrived on wicked deception.

My head ached as my mind reeled. Too much. Not enough. I wasn’t here.

I was 
there.

Always there…

The house sat off in the distance. A tomb…waiting. The grass, heavy with frost, scrapped my ankles. Wrapping harsh, unyielding hands around vulnerable flesh.

“Stay here, Layna.” His voice rang with clear intent only minutes earlier just before he left me alone. In the car. To wait. His stern words brooked no argument.

I never defied him. So why was I now throwing self-preservation to the wind?

The house beckoned.

The blackness.

The emptiness.

I couldn’t remember.

My head was heavy. And then I saw it. Headlights in the distance, and I knew it was him. Elian. My heartbeat became a waltz in my chest. 
Pitter. Patter. Rat-a-tat-tat.

I dug bloodied fingers into my palm. My nails tattered and ruined. Elian was almost here.

I was falling…

The car parked and I could see him outside the window in the cold, dark night. I knew Dancing Green Eyes, my Elian, was searching. Always searching.

For me.

But I wasn’t here. I was gone. Somewhere else.

Waiting..…

I approached the house and the first thing I noticed was the noise.