The Contradiction of Solitude (38 page)

Over the star just like the one on her hip.

The star that bound us together.

With our demons.

I shivered at her touch. Not burning. But freezing. From the inside out.

Tomorrow was the day.

But tonight was about
other things.

“I think I need some air,” I said, pulling at the collar of my shirt. Feeling strangled.

Too tight.

“Okay.” She breathed. In and out.

We stepped out onto the balcony. The air was crisp and cool. Autumn was coming. Where would we be when the leaves died?

“Look up,” Layna instructed, sounding strangely hard.

I did as she told me to. All I saw were stars. Lots and lots of stars. I frowned, not sure why they would make her sound like that.

As though she were angry.

Disgusted.

In awe.

Contradiction.

“Imagine that all the stars are people. What stories would they tell?” she asked, smiling wide. Smiling high. To reach the moon.

“Imagine the stars are people?” I asked. Confused.

What was she talking about? I had the feeling I was missing something. Something important. Something for her, and her alone.

Then she was frowning. No longer smiling. Looking defeated. Upset.

Then…
blank.

“Did you bring your pills, Elian?” she asked. The pills. She had asked me about them several times now.

What pills?

Those pills, Elian…

The voice drifted in from all sides. Into my ears. Willing me to
remember.

“I don’t know what you’re—”

“Yes you do, Elian. Think. Think about what you’re taking them for. Tell me. I want to know. I don’t like you keeping secrets from me,” Layna scolded and I almost snorted.

She didn’t like
me
keeping secrets?

Yet she kept hers close. I couldn’t see them. She’d never share.

Pills. Pills. What were they for?

“The Risperdal?” I asked. Clarifying.

Layna took my hand in hers. Fingers folding. Palm to palm.

Under the stars that she imagined as people telling their stories. Stories I didn’t understand.

“Yes, the Risperdal. The empty bottle in the sink. The pills down the drain. What are they for? Tell me.”

I thought hard. So many parts of my past were hidden by the lies I had told and the fantasy I had created. As I became
Elian Beyer
, those part,
the real parts
, became lost. It was hard to remember what was truth and what was illusion.

“I saw a doctor,” I began, struggling for the words. My head pounded, my hands tightening around hers.

“I couldn’t cope after Amelia—”

“After Amelia,” Layna repeated.

“After Amelia,” I nodded. My phone buzzed in my pocket again. I wanted to pull it out and look. But I didn’t.

Not here.

“I couldn’t—”

I stopped. I didn’t want to continue. Why was this so hard?

Lanya ran her hand up the back of my shirt. Over inked skin and enigmas.

“You broke,” Layna finished for me.

I frowned.

Is that what happened?

“I broke,” I agreed, feeling the rightness of it.

I broke.

I broke.

I was broken.

“Where are the pieces, Elian?” Layna asked, looking up at the sky. The clear night sky full of stars.

Stories. Her stories.

Not mine.

I suddenly felt all alone.

Like she had already left me.

Sick.

And starving.

Lost.

“I don’t want you to go tomorrow,” I said, sounding like a child. Like a petulant, spoiled brat not getting his way.

Layna ignored me. There was no point in answering.

We were here.

He
was here.

The choice had been made.

No matter how wrong it felt.

“Is this why you came to Virginia? To be closer to him?” I asked her, wanting the answer. Perhaps I already knew. She seemed startled though. As if she hadn’t really thought about it until that very moment.

Layna Whitaker planned everything. She wasn’t a woman who was blindsided.

But she seemed blindsided now.

“I—” she cut off. Detached. Finished.

“You did. That’s why you came to Virginia. Because even as much you hate him, you can’t stay away. Am I right?” I felt ill. Vomit rose in the back of my throat. Knowing she’d never be just
mine.

This daughter of a killer.

This woman that I loved.

Loved to death.

“You’re broken, Elian,” she whispered, her eyes still trained on the stars that seemed to say things not meant for me.

She listened to the words that no one else could hear.

“But I’m broken too. Maybe together our pieces will make us whole.”

We were too far apart, even as we stood side by side. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to my chest. I bent low and kissed the side of her neck. Inhaling. Deep.

“I love you,” I told her in tortured tones. It was in. Out. All over.

She didn’t say it back. She never did.

That was okay.

I felt it.

My eyes were wet, the tears dripping down flushed cheeks.

I wasn’t wasting my tears.

They counted.

Right now.

They counted.

I
didn’t sleep. At all. I tossed and I turned. I listened to Elian’s soft snores. I watched the shadows on the wall.

I imagined stories.

I wrote them. But I didn’t put them down on paper. I kept them in my head. For now.

Morning came with little fuss or fanfare. The sun shone bright in the sky but the beginning of the day was otherwise calm and uneventful.

I waited for Elian to wake up so I could pretend to rouse.

He was fooled.

He kissed me on my mouth and ran his nose up along my cheek, burrowing into my hair.

There was a crackle of energy. An awareness that hadn’t been there before. After today, things were going to be…
different.

I lay in bed most of the night doubting. Wondering if I had made a mistake in coming. In bringing Elian with me.

“Is this why you came to Virginia? To be closer to him?”

Elian’s question last night had thrown me. And I wasn’t a woman easily thrown.

Mostly because I hadn’t expected him to
see.
He thought he had it figured out. And he did hold the parts. The small, small fragments that I dropped from my fingers.

But that wasn’t all of it.

He didn’t see the big picture.

The real
reason
…

I let Elian hug me. Kiss me. Touch me.

I burned.

I was lit on fire.

For so many reasons.

None of them had to do with the man in the bed beside me.

I wanted it to be. I was feeling so much…
shame.

Elian didn’t deserve this. What I was giving him.

But I was here.

This was a deciding moment.

Life or death.

Once and for all.

“I’m going to run out to get us some breakfast. Anything you in the mood for?” Elian asked, his fingers running up and down naked skin. Breasts. Legs. Lips. Eyes.

“Whatever you want,” I rasped. Wanting to
feel
what he felt.

Wishing it was there to erase all of
this.

“Okay.” Kisses. Nose. Mouth. Forehead.

“How are you doing?” he asked, always concerned. Always worried about me.

I shrugged. Quiet. In my heart.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. Truthfully. Honestly.

We held each other. Cheek to cheek.

Was it enough?

Was it
enough?

Then he left, and I was alone with my memories.

Old and new.

A beast that raged.

“I told you to wait in the car, Layna.”

I opened my mouth. A scream caught in my throat.

Was I scared?

No.

Was I disgusted?

Maybe.

Was I enthralled?

Good god, yes.

I dialed my brother’s number and waited for him to answer. When he finally did, there were no formal greetings. There never were. There never would be.

“You’re there,” he stated. Didn’t ask.

“Yes. I’m here,” I replied. Ashamed. So ashamed. But…
eager?

“You being there is a big mistake, Lay. I feel it,” Matt exclaimed, loud in my ears.

“I don’t know.”

I was crying.

Tears dripped down my face.

Like blood.

Staining my skin, soaking my shirt.

Tears.

Like blood.

“I brought him with me,” I admitted.

“You’re man?” Matt asked.

“Yes. Elian.” It was the first time I had told Matt his name. I shared Elian with my brother. He needed to hear all of it.

“What does he think about it?”

“Elian knows him,” I whispered.

Matt was silent for a long time. “How does he know him, Lay?”

I took a deep breath. Spilling out all my lies.

“His sister—”

“Oh god, Layna! Did you know? Did you
know?”

Sweat broke out on the back of my neck. My hands felt clammy. I watched the door for Elian. Wanting him to come back.

I
needed
him.