The Cost of Living (43 page)

He is going to be all right this weekend, she said. The best signs were in place when he got up. Sun at the window. Breakfast. He seemed happy. The French coffee reminded him of something. Something pleasant, yes. His first cigarette. He showed me a map and explained about Burgundy. Only God could have known what he was thinking, but if you live with Jérôme you live without God, and so nobody knows anything.

Jérôme turned to speak to her (an excellent sign), but the traffic outside was like the purring of a monstrous cat. She had to close the parlor window—her gestures were gradual, calm—before she could hear. “About that advertisement in the Métro.”

“Yes, which one?”

“The one I pointed out to you, to show what they are selling in Paris now. ‘
In Solitude, in Anguish, in Despair, call VAL 70-50. SOS Friendship
.' They used to sell soap, coffee, Dubonnet.”

“Jérôme, you won't make sad remarks all weekend, will you?” said Lucie. “Or to Gilles while he's driving?”

Of course, it was the worst thing she could have said. He would not speak to her again for hours, might even refuse to acknowledge Gilles' greeting.

Every marriage is different, she said, and ours is like this. It can't be helped. I don't know of any that can be called better—only different.

Gilles had warned Lucie that he would not be allowed to park in front of their hotel. If he were to pause longer than it takes to shift gears the car would be hauled off to a motor graveyard, their passports would be impounded, and Lucie would be taken away by the police and shut up in a cage full of prostitutes. Gilles would slow down somewhere close to them, he had said, that was the best he could do, and the Girards would need to be poised, ready to leap like gazelles. And Lucie had promised that she and Jérôme would do that; they would leap like gazelles straight into Gilles' car. At three o'clock Gilles announced, “Twenty minutes from now. Remember what I told you.” Jérôme and Lucie moved out to the edge of the pavement with their raincoats folded and their suitcase between them and stood without speaking until a quarter to four, at which time a blue bmw pulled out of the westbound flux on the quai and stopped dead. Gilles reached back and opened a door. “Hurry!” he said. He wore a tweed cap and 1910 goggles. Lucie started to get in until she saw a slavering black Labrador retriever sitting where she was meant to sit. She cried, “No, you go with him,” to Jérôme and she ran round the front of the car to climb in next to Gilles. Jérôme put the coats and suitcase between himself and the animal and immediately closed his eyes. The car stank of cigars. The radio was turned on to a concert. “Hurry!” said Gilles again. They moved off at a crawl into the stream of traffic flowing west, then south.

Lucie leaned close to Gilles and said in a low voice, “He will probably sleep most of the way. He gets tired in cars, unless he happens to be driving. The time change was bad for his sleep. For his appetite, too. He'll say he's hungry and then he won't eat. I keep chocolate in my handbag. He is underweight for his height. He may seem indifferent sometimes. It is only tiredness. Pretend you don't notice.”

Gilles said to himself, You would think he was her dog. You would think he was her infant. Christ, he must be what, now—thirty-nine? More?

Partly in French and sometimes in English, for he slid without hearing himself, Gilles began to speak as though Lucie had just recently interrupted him: “I don't want you to think I'm boasting. I don't need to boast. My first research grant was a personal one, one hundred thousand dollars.”

“What kind of dollars?” said Lucie.

“I'm over in the States about ten months of the year,” Gilles went on. “I was my own administrator when I got that first grant. No strings. I was about the age you are now. I'm a lot more sure of myself than when you remember me.”

“I think I was twelve,” said Lucie. “I didn't much notice how people were.”

“I must be one of the top three or four in my field now,” said Gilles. “Not in the States. In the world. I've published in the Soviet Union. I keep the apartment in Paris just for the girls' education. I want their French to be good. I don't want them to have what we had. Anyway, Laure won't live in the States. Our apartment is in Neuilly. André Maurois—you know?—used to have a place practically in the same building. Laure and the girls stay here most of the year. I've got this other beautiful place in New Haven built in 1728. Laure furnished it but she wouldn't stay. I don't insist. I believe in individual freedom. Laure feels she has more to contribute here. She wrote to the Prime Minister when they cut down the chestnut trees on place Saint-Sulpice. Got a nice answer, too. I don't work over there just for the money. If that's what you think, and if that's what they think at home, well, you don't know me. I'd take a lousy research-teaching job in a lousy French university any day if I thought it had real meaning. No, the reason why I'm there is because of my collections. Drawings, furniture. I've got these collections, they're so valuable I can't have them insured. Can't afford to. And I could never bring anything out of the country. The Americans would never allow it. They would say it was part of the national heritage.”

“Do they say that about drawings?” said Lucie. “I thought heritage was just culture.”

“Paris is the right place for my daughters,” said Gilles. “They play with the Ruwenzori children, the little princesses. The Ruwenzoris send a car for them. Their mother was a Soplex, of the Soplex mineral water family. When the girls were in New Haven last year I had them tested. Sophie's I.Q. was one-eighty, Chantal's was one-seventy-five, and Diane's in between. We have to watch what they read, who their friends are. I'm not boasting. They get their brains from Laure.”

All this was in English, of which Lucie understood a fair amount. She was a nurse; she had taken six months' special training in the psychiatric wing of an American hospital. She did not mind English, but Jérôme did. He lived in his own climate; he had made language one of the elements. Sometimes he seemed to be drenched by sleet no one else felt, or else he could not see out for a curtain of snow. Jérôme was more intelligent than anyone Lucie had ever heard of. He had taken university degrees in France. Lucie wanted her cousin to appreciate this; she wanted Gilles to respect Jérôme, who was careless with people but was not afraid of the night or of dying.

She turned her head slowly. His eyes were shut; his breath moved slowly and evenly. “Jérôme is asleep,” she said to Gilles, who did not care one way or the other.

Jérôme was tuned to the radio, to a program of music by the composer End. The music was familiar, but who was End? It came to him as he saw a record sleeve with Jacqueline du Pré; he could see even her wedding ring. He opened his eyes and looked at Gilles' long graying-reddish hair fanned over a suede collar. Gilles was on his way to Dijon for an antiquarians' trade fair. He was to be the guest of famous professor somebody, a celebrated authority on medieval church carvings.

“Some medieval saints look like crocodiles,” said Jérôme. “Some look like de Gaulle.” No saint has ever looked like Gilles.

Gilles was a master of knowledge about saints, silver, tapestries, paintings, porcelain; he bought some things to keep and some to sell in America. He made a lot of money that way—so he was telling Lucie now.

The autoroute might have been taking them anywhere. The end of the road might even be Montreal.

“How is
he
?” said Gilles suddenly, with a slight jerk of the tweed cap. “I mean how is he really?”

“Who said anything was the matter with him?” said Lucie.

“Lucky thing you never had children,” said Gilles. “He never had a job. I don't mean never held one, I mean never had one. Am I right?” He did not require an answer. “Did he ever write anything, finally?”

“I never heard him say he wanted to,” said Lucie. “So I'm not sure what you mean by finally.”

“Then why did he take degrees in literature?” said Gilles. “He could have taught. They were screaming for teachers then. Too late now. Degrees like his are a dime a dozen. Well, you aren't tied with children. That's one good thing.”

“It isn't too late for children,” said Lucie. “I'm twenty-eight.”

“At least you'll never have problems like what to do about super-intelligent daughters,” said Gilles. “Are you still a Catholic, Lucie? Practicing, I mean.”

“Not now.” That was something she could answer.

“Our upbringing was a disease,” said Gilles.

“That's what Jérôme says. I don't know. God never hurt my feelings.”

“It was easy for your generation,” said Gilles. “You had a choice.”

“No one mentioned it at the time,” said Lucie. “Excuse me, Gilles, but your dog is slobbering on our raincoats.”

“Saliva is only a saline solution,” said Gilles. “It washes out.”

“…for cello and orchestra, by the composer Eye-hend,” said the same announcer who had mentioned “End.”

Gilles snapped the radio shut. “The French are twenty years behind the times,” he said. “Still playing the wrong Haydn. Only
Michael
Haydn matters.”

It occurred to Lucie that she had no clear early memory of what her cousin had been like before Mussolini and Julius Caesar; before Neuilly, New Haven, the goggles, the Labrador retriever, and the right Haydn.

With the stilling of music and of voices a freshness like the freshness of water filled the car. They had left the autoroute and crossed a river; no, the end of this journey would never be Montreal. Now Gilles drove them to the edge of a walled town whose ramparts rose above the road. Lucie observed Jérôme as he gave this wall his deepest attention. She looked too, and saw stone the color of leaves drying and a pair of towers like two of Jérôme's chessmen.

Between the towers there had once been houses, but they had been pulled apart, trodden to sand, probably when the Renaissance demanded horizons. Jérôme had explained that once. He had stood on the ramparts, looking down to the road where he and Gilles and Lucie and the slobbering dog were now stalled in Saturday traffic, and a girl standing beside him had asked, “Do they rent those towers? Couldn't we try to live in one?” The girl was one of the two or three he had been in love with before Lucie. Lucie had been a child then, not ready to be known. She had been so devout and solemn her sisters feared she might become a nun. But then she said no, that she would be a nurse and thereby marry a doctor. She turned herself into a nurse and had no home of her own, but slept in any of her married sisters' houses. The sisters were always making up spare beds for Lucie. Two of her brothers-in-law each tried to become Lucie's first lover because she looked like their wives but was a virgin still; but she was too devout, too tired, too afraid. At twenty-five she told her favorite sister, “I have waited too long now to marry just anybody. He will have to be special, rare. Intelligent, generous, faithful,” making the choice so hard that she might never need to be chosen. She neglected to say, “Unbreakable, whole.” Just when she was about to become indispensable as a babysitter, she married one of her patients, Jérôme.

Jérôme seemed to be counting something. As Lucie read his face, he might have been counting, “In Solitude, in Anguish, in Despair,” wondering what could be added.

“A great thing about France is you can get Cuban cigars,” said Gilles, throwing away the end of one. “By way of Geneva.” He pulled in at an Elf service station and remarked, “Laure likes us to use Elf stations because they aren't backed by international capital. No other woman would think of that. I've got no change,” he said. “Nothing small enough. They won't take a check here.”

Now Lucie recalled her cousin. Yes, she remembered him before Mussolini, before Julius Caesar. There was a family joke, a joke still living, about rich cousin Gilles who never had the change for anything—not for a candy bar, not for a stamp.

“If you could let me have something like a hundred dollars—in francs, of course,” said Gilles. “I won't be able to cash a check until Monday.” He addressed himself to Lucie.

“Ask Jérôme,” she said. She was remembering something she had been told: “Don't let Jérôme think he isn't competent. Don't take over his role. About money—he must learn to spend rationally.” She saw Jérôme coming to life and giving Gilles three times one hundred francs—about sixty dollars, that would be. Was that rational? Was it too little? Was it miserly? Or else too much, the unnecessary gesture again? Gilles made no comment, but the matter of choosing bills and handing them over had started Jérôme off speaking, which was a good sign.

“I came to that town once with another student, one of three girls,” he said. “I was trying to remember her name.”

Gilles looked at Lucie. She knew the expression—a man confronted with another man's strangeness. Gilles had not seen the walls, high up over the road and to the right. He thought that Jérôme was raving. She said, “You know that Jérôme was a student here, in the nineteen-fifties.” She weighted her voice with all that Gilles was supposed to keep in mind: Jérôme's precocious brilliance, Jérôme's degrees.

“The girls in the nineteen-fifties were the prettiest that ever lived,” said Gilles, loudly and heartily. “Good old Jérôme! Of course he remembers them! Two or three of them, anyway.” Lucie was used to that way of speaking too: a man's way of humoring a madman.

“Does anyone want chocolate?” she said. Gilles took a third of the bar; Jérôme closed his eyes, getting rid of Gilles, the Labrador, Lucie, chocolate, money, and Gilles' goggles and cap.

“Jérôme could have had a great career,” said Lucie. “But he refused to work within the system. Of course he was right.”