The Courage to Love Her Army Doc (16 page)

‘I would say you shouldn't make a habit of it but I reckon we can spare you another couple of hours if you want to have a kip or get changed.'

‘That would be great. Cheers.' All of a sudden Peter's generosity made Joe want that space all the more. So no one had died this time, but he had still let his friends down. He could've said no to going in the first place and saved everyone a lot of trouble. He could've insisted on leaving the island at the same time as the others or come back sooner. It had been his selfish wish to spend some alone time with Emily that had put so many people in jeopardy. Pure luck had kept them all from serious harm during his negligence.

He was distracted and unfocused, everything he'd feared would happen if he forged relationships with people. If he hung around here much longer the worst was bound to happen. There was always going to be dengue fever, diabetes, choking babies and people relying on him to save them. Without a local hospital or access to crucial medication the people he'd grown to love were someday going to need more than he could give them. He'd barely come out the other side of grief the last time and he couldn't face it again. He couldn't face these people again knowing he'd failed them. His heart wouldn't survive losing Emily if he failed her too. He'd had a lucky escape this time and it was time to check out while the going was good.

He took off out the door without a backward glance for Emily, afraid that if he looked at her he'd bottle out of this altogether.

‘Hey, wait for me.' She'd really got this ninja frontal attack down pat. He didn't even know she was following him until she was there blocking his path.

‘Look, Emily, I need some time on my own. Sorry.' He started walking again, unable to offer her a proper explanation when he didn't fully understand why he was throwing this away himself.

‘Joe?' Another stealth move and he was faced with those doe eyes pleading with him not to do this.

He had to swallow the ball of emotion lodged in his throat. It was never easy ending a relationship and he was effectively ending two of the most important ones in his life by leaving Yasi. He didn't want to do this out here in the open. Hell, he didn't want to have to do this at all but he was supposed to be a drifter and the difficulty level of ending this was proof he'd already stayed too long.

‘I never said I'd be here for ever. Last night proved to me it's time I moved on. I should never have let things get this far and I'm going now before I do any more damage. There are enough of you to carry on what I started. You don't need me any more.' They didn't need him but it was becoming clear that he was starting to lean on them too much and that was equally as dangerous. Spilling his guts to her last night in the wake of his latest nightmare had shown how weak he'd become in getting close to Emily and everyone else on the island. It was only a matter of time before someone got hurt. More hurt.

‘I don't suppose the fact I
want
you to stay makes any difference?' She was killing him but this was going to take tough love to make sure she didn't end up mooning after him and ruining the rest of her trip.

‘You know I can't stay still. I get bored too easily. I'm grateful for this adventure but, really, I'm ready for the next one.' He saw Emily flinch at his choice of words out of the corner of his eye.

‘Joe?' Another plaintive cry for an explanation he couldn't give her.

It broke his heart to ignore it.

‘I don't have much to pack so if I can get the chief to agree, I'll be taking the boat out again soon.' He didn't care how he got back to the mainland or how long it took as long as he put some distance between him and Yasi Island fast. It wouldn't take much for his resolve to weaken.

‘If that's what you really want...'

‘It is.' He was almost gasping for air as the lie choked him. What he wanted was a life with Emily but that was as impossible as Batesy and Ste having theirs back.

‘Is that it? You got what you wanted and now you're running out on me?'

‘You knew this wasn't for ever. One night together doesn't mean I've changed who I am. I was upfront from the start about my intentions. All I'm doing is putting an end to it sooner than planned. Chalk this up to part of the adventure package.'

He couldn't bear to look at her any more as he stumbled away. Ripping the sticking plaster off with a short, sharp shock was supposed to alleviate the pain more quickly but that expression of betrayal he saw welling up in her eyes was going to stay with him for a long time. He needed to get off this island. Now.

Emily couldn't breathe, the shock of Joe's words sucking the air from her lungs. After last night he knew this was more to her than a holiday fling and she'd hoped he'd felt the same. This sudden coolness and what seemed like unnecessary cruelty was difficult to get her head around when they'd shared so much, grown so close.

Frozen to the spot, all she could do was watch him go. Even the tears she needed to shed for their short-lived relationship refused to fall in her confusion. If she were a stronger person she might have given chase and demanded answers but part of her already knew the answers. He was bored with her. He'd said as much. All of that anxiety she'd felt when Greg had told her the same thing came whooshing back and left her gasping for air. This was reaffirming that idea she wasn't good enough for anyone.

The energy seemed to drain from her body as the implications of his words sank in, leaving her limp and unsteady on her feet. She reached out to brace herself against one of the palm trees that once upon a time had held so many good memories. Now she would always associate everything she loved on this island with this utterly overwhelming sense of desolation. She sank down onto the grass, her body only upright with the support of the solid trunk of the tree. This was how she was going to spend the rest of her days—alone, broken-hearted, unwanted.

Hard-hitting rejection wasn't new to her but it wasn't any less painful the third time around. If anything, it hurt even more than losing her mother or her husband when Joe had appeared so much more supportive and accepting of her for who she was. Last night she'd held him through his night terrors, made love as if they'd been embarking on the start of an exciting journey, and now he was saying it was over? It was hard for her to accept she wasn't anything more to him than any of the other women he'd spent time with on his travels when he'd come to mean so much to her. He was part of her now. He'd helped her learn to love herself again and she'd fallen head over heels for him in the process.

She couldn't imagine going back to her old life as if this had never happened. Neither could she face the rest of her stay here without him. There were memories liable to start a monsoon of tears at every turn. Even from her tragic position here on the ground she could see the hill they'd marched down laden down with her luggage and the school where they'd had so much fun with the children. Her lip began to wobble as she realised this was probably the very tree they'd sat under and shared lunch. If she was expected to forget him she was going to have to leave early too.

She struggled to her feet and resolved to make her way back to Miriama's before she gave in to the big fat tears threatening to fall. Once she was behind closed doors she could mourn properly—cry, rage and eventually decide where to go from here. Whatever happened next was entirely down to her. From now on she was on her own.

* * *

Emily had spent more than enough time moping in her room like an angsty adolescent. Her throat was raw from sobbing, her eyes puffy and red from crying, but she knew she still had to face up to her responsibilities. Just because her life was falling apart it didn't mean she should neglect the inhabitants of Yasi. With Joe gone she was the only doctor left in residence.

She splashed her face with cold water and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. There were always going to be patients to treat and her job was the one constant in her life. At least she was always going to be in demand professionally, if not romantically. In some ways she felt sorry for Joe. The transient life he led to ensure he didn't get close to people also meant he never got to fully experience that feeling of belonging.

With her mind clearer now the initial shock of his rejection had passed, she began to analyse that last conversation. He'd given her the impression he'd tired of life here, that she'd bored him. If this had been England and she was back in her office with nothing to look forward to than a cup of tea while watching the soaps on TV she'd buy it. But not when she'd spent the last days throwing herself into local customs that ordinarily would have terrified her. She wasn't that same meek divorcee who'd set foot on the island and she was ticked off he'd made out she was. After everything he'd told her she began to wonder if it wasn't his insecurities he was running away from. He'd been so locked into his grief and guilt he'd become a martyr to it, denying himself, and her, any chance of happiness.

She found herself veering towards the clinic. If she didn't try to make sense of this now she knew she'd come to regret it. Whether he was leaving because of her or his own demons, she wanted closure before returning home so she was free to start the next chapter of her life. With or without him.

Her once weak limbs now carried with renewed strength. She'd never taken the opportunity to confront Greg about ending their relationship and had simply walked away with her tail between her legs. Not this time. Good or bad, she wanted honesty about why this was over so she wouldn't be left in limbo.

Unfortunately, by the time she reached the clinic all traces of Joe were gone. All that was left was a scribbled note on the door.

Thanks for everything.

Joe x

That was it? After everything they'd been through together all she deserved was an impersonal message that could've been directed at anyone on the island. She crumpled it in her hand in disgust. He hadn't even managed a proper goodbye to her, to Peter, or anyone else who loved him. She wasn't usually prone to violent outbursts of temper but this all seemed such a waste she wanted to punch things or scream out her frustration.

The hub of the village wasn't the place to do it and she knew she couldn't focus on work until she'd worked through this part of the grieving process. She took the path to the beach instead. The same one Joe would had to have taken to make his escape. She wondered what kind of mindset he'd been in when he'd walked this route. Sad? Relieved? Excited to be starting a new adventure?

Perhaps, instead of spending the last hours weeping and wailing she should've been finding out. There was a small chance he might even have counted on her coming after him and begging him to stay. After all, she hadn't been honest about the strength of her feelings for him. It was too late to find out if that would have stopped him from leaving.

Her eyes were burning again with those useless tears as she reached the top of the hill. Somewhere in the distance she swore she heard a boat splutter into life. She blinked away the tears to see two figures launching the boat from shore. Joe was there, sailing away for good. This was the last time they'd probably ever see each other and she wanted to make sure there was no way back before she moved on. She raced towards the beach like a woman possessed. He didn't look back, probably because he couldn't hear her yelling over the death rattle of the diesel engine. It was up to her to make him listen.

She kicked off her shoes and didn't think twice before wading out into the water. Joe had taught her not to overthink and complicate matters but to simply jump right in and see where she ended up. Soon the boat would be too far out for her to reach. She gulped in one last breath before diving into the unknown.

Swimming out to a lover who'd jumped on a boat to escape her was either the most romantic gesture ever or the action of a desperate woman who had serious issues about letting go. It was impossible to gauge which way he'd take her action but hopefully he'd spot her soon before she drowned and became some sort of tragic folklore story. She didn't really want to spend eternity wailing for her lost love when she still had a life to get back to at the end of all this.

When she'd expelled all the oxygen in her lungs trying to reach him, she popped her head above the water and waved. The last thing she saw before she sank under the water again was Joe getting to his feet. At least she'd had one final look before she went to her watery grave. That would make the soulful songs about the lonely Englishwoman who drowned chasing the handsome traveller all the more poignant.

‘What the hell are you doing?' Joe was reaching down through the water to grab hold of her. A hero truly worthy of becoming part of Yasi folklore.

She climbed into the boat with the help of two pairs of male hands. Excellent, she had a local to regale the rest of the island with tales of her daring escapade. Which was fine if she benefited somehow from this recklessness and didn't make a complete ass of herself. The latter seemed the more likely outcome as she was sitting between two bemused men like a bedraggled mermaid they'd accidentally caught in their fishing net.

‘I. Thought. You'd. Gone.' Her teeth were chattering with the shock of what she'd just done more than from the cold.

Joe pulled a sweater from his bag and draped it around her shoulders. ‘I had to wait until we could take the boat out again. It's stormy out there.'

Only now he'd pointed it out did she realise the skies had clouded over again, matching her unsettled heart.

‘I want to know the real reason you're leaving now.'

‘You're crazy.
This
is crazy!'

‘You drove me to it so the least you can do is be honest with me.' It was true in every sense. She'd never have done anything so impulsive before meeting him, never have felt the need if she hadn't have fallen so hard for him.