The Cowboy Next Door (16 page)

Jay brushed a hand through his hair and sighed. “Lacey, you can't believe that's true. The people here care about you. You're a part of their lives.” His life. He cared. He looked away, getting his thoughts together. “And you didn't hide who you are. You told the people closest to you, and the rest didn't really need to know.”

“My heart knows that. My brain only knows that my mother is here and now everyone is looking at me like I'm someone they don't know.”

“It'll blow over.”

“And if it doesn't blow over?”

“It will. Right now you feel like it won't, but if you think
back, nothing like this lasts forever. It settles down in time. That's how a small town works.”

“Thank you, Jay. I'm glad we became friends.”

He nodded and walked away. Friendship. He had a lot of thinking to do. Lacey thought they had friendship, and that would have been an easy option for them both. Friendship didn't include strings. Friendship should have made walking away easy to do.

This felt anything but easy.

 

Lacey walked back into the house and found her mother on the sofa with Rachel, hugging the baby close. Had Deanna Gould ever held her own children that way? Lacey couldn't remember. She remembered boyfriends, drunken parties and men that she and her siblings hid from.

Lacey remembered an empty pantry and selling herself on a street corner because her siblings were cold and hungry and she had exhausted every other avenue of hope.

They had all escaped in whatever way worked for them. Lacey ran. Corry turned to drugs. Chase joined the marines when he turned eighteen.

For years she'd had nightmares of that life. Now she had dreams that included Gibson and a small house in the country. Maybe even a cowboy. Someday.

“She's a beautiful little girl.” Deanna kissed Rachel's pink baby cheek. “I really messed up our lives, didn't I?”

Lacey shrugged and sat down in the easy chair across from her mom. “I don't know, Mom. I guess you did. It wasn't an easy way to grow up.”

Deanna's eyes watered. “I'm not sure if I can change my life. I'm too old. I really am glad you found something better. It makes me so angry sometimes, that you chose this place over your own family, but I guess it makes you happy.”

“It does make me happy. And this will be a good place to raise Rachel. She won't have to worry…”

“I know, I know. Don't accuse me, okay?”

“I'm not. Mom, I forgive you.”

“I didn't do anything wrong.”

Let it go. Lacey sighed. “Jay is going to look at your car.”

“Are you in a hurry to get rid of me?”

“No.” She knew that was a lie. “Mom, I don't mind you being here, but I don't want you to cause problems.”

“I'll mess up this pretty life you've built for yourself?”

“Maybe that's what I feel. I don't know. But I won't let you have Rachel and I won't let you manipulate me.”

“Lacey, I don't have a house to go back to.”

Lacey wanted to cry. She wanted to hit something and scream that it wasn't fair. Her mom shouldn't be able to come here and do the same thing she'd been doing all of Lacey's life: create instability. Lacey had her life organized and settled, the way she'd craved during her childhood.

“I guess you don't want me here?”

“I don't know. We'll figure something out.” Lacey stood up and reached for Rachel. “But what about you taking Rachel? What kind of game was that?”

Her mom shrugged. “I knew I couldn't take her. I guess I thought if you had money, you'd give me some to get rid of me.”

“I don't have money. Corry already stole it all.”

Lacey walked out the front door to the porch, Rachel cradled and protected against her chest. She heard laughter and glanced in the direction of the Blackhorse house. Wilma Blackhorse stood in the yard watering her flowers, and from the way Jay jumped and ran, Wilma must have sprayed him with the water hose.

A normal family. Lacey's heart ached, empty because she wanted that space in her life filled with people that would be
that for her. She wanted a family that didn't crash and burn as often as other families sat down for dinner together.

She wanted people to come home to, to share dreams with and to lean on. She didn't want to lose what she had in Gibson.

L
acey sat down to roll flatware in paper napkins at the end of her shift on Monday. She glanced up as Jolynn walked out of the kitchen, two cups of coffee and a plate with a slice of pie on a tray. She set the tray down on the table next to Lacey.

“Let's chat, sweetie.” Jolynn scooted out the chair next to Lacey's. “We'll figure out this situation with your mom.”

“I don't know if there's a solution.”

“Of course there is. I haven't rented the studio. We'll put your momma there and she can do something. I'll have her wash dishes and maybe we can have her clean up around our place.”

“But…”

“But you don't want her to stay in town? Lacey, stop worrying about what people will think.”

“That's easier said than done. You have no idea what it was like growing up with her. Imagine her at school, talking to your teachers, or attending Christmas programs with her latest boyfriend.”

“She attended?”

Lacey rolled a set of flatware in a napkin and nodded.

“She did attend.”

“That must mean something.”

“I guess.”

Jolynn scooted the napkins and covered Lacey's hand with her own. “Lacey, everyone has dreams, even people who don't seem to. Your mom might have made wrong choices, but she had dreams. Give yourself a little credit and God a little credit. We all love you and your mom showing up isn't going to change that. Maybe this is the answer to all of your prayers for her.”

“I know.”

Lacey wanted to tell Jolynn about secrets and dreams. She wanted to explain that her heart wanted to let Jay in, to trust him, and she couldn't. She couldn't let herself fall in love. She couldn't expect him to look at her as anything more than a friend.

“You're still frowning. Is this about Jay Blackhorse?”

Lacey looked up. “Maybe.”

“And do you love him?”

She took a bite of the pie that Jolynn had set in front of her. Chocolate pie, not her favorite, but she ate it anyway. Did she love Jay? The question made her heart ache, because she wanted to let herself love him.

“I can't love Jay. Wilma and Bill are great and they've helped me so much. Helping me is different than having Jay bring me home…”

“What in the world are you talking about?”

“I heard a few ladies talking the other day, about me living down the road from Jay, in Jamie's house. I don't even know who Jamie was, but I feel her presence every single day and I know I can't compete.”

“You need to ask Jay.”

“I asked and he doesn't want to talk about it. Besides, he's just a friend and he doesn't owe me explanations.”

Jolynn clucked a couple of times. “Lacey, Wilma and Bill
would be blessed to have their son bring you home. You're everything a woman wants for her son. You're bright, warm and loving.”

“I have a record for prostitution. I'm not the girl next door. I'm the woman that a guy takes out a few times, and then he doesn't call her anymore.”

“Jay isn't Lance.”

“No, and I'm not asking him to make me promises. He's a friend. I want to keep him that way.”

“That might not happen.” Jolynn stood and before she walked away she leaned and kissed Lacey on the top of her head. “You're a beautiful girl, Lacey, but sometimes you're a little slow when it comes to figuring things out. Give it time.”

Give it time. Lacey nodded, as if she could do that.

The cowbell clanged and her mom walked through the doors. She had dyed her hair a natural shade of brown. Some things did change. Lacey smiled, because she wanted her mom to have a chance at a new life.

It wouldn't be easy, but she really did want that.

 

Jay drove past Lacey's house a little slower than usual. He had heard the talk in town, about her and her mom. He knew that she had to be hurting over old wounds reopened. And the comments about her living next door to him.

He hadn't responded well to those accusations. Even now his blood boiled a little when he thought about the guys at the livestock auction making jokes about her and him. He'd left, not bothering to bid on a bull his dad had been interested in. Still in his uniform, he'd parked his patrol car at the station and driven home.

Lacey's car wasn't at home. He hadn't seen her at the diner, either. He had even stopped. Jolynn had told him that Lacey had left an hour earlier. She had also let him know that Lacey had heard talk similar to what he'd heard at the auction.

When he pulled up to his parents' house, Lacey's car was there. He got out, stretching the kinks from his back. It had been a long day on the job, and a long day of hurting families.

Lacey's included.

He wanted a shower and clean clothes. He didn't see Lacey as he walked through the house. His parents had her somewhere, probably in the backyard. His mom had planned to grill pork steaks for dinner. He cringed a little. He'd picked up a burger from the concession stand at the auction because he knew about the curried pork. He wouldn't escape the leftovers.

On the way to the bathroom he glanced out the window of the sitting room. He saw Lacey and his dad walking to the barn. Probably to see the foal.

Fifteen minutes later he walked through the doors of the stable, his hair still a little damp. He had changed into a cotton shirt and shorts.

“Jay.” Lacey walked out of a stall, the baby in one arm and a kitten in her other hand. “Look what we found.”

“Great, the world needs more cats.” He took the kitten that she held out to him. “Do you want me to put her back with the rest of the litter? Or do you want to take her home?”

“She isn't ready to be weaned.” She looked up, uncertainty shadowing her eyes. “Maybe in a couple of weeks. I'd like for Rachel to have a kitten. And maybe even a puppy.”

“I think we can find her a puppy.” He walked into the stall and put the kitten with the others. When he walked out, Lacey was waiting. “Did you see Dandy?”

“I did. She's beautiful. Your dad helped me put a lead rope on her and she's wonderful.”

“She is a beautiful little thing.”

“You don't have to give her to me. I mean, she's probably going to be a great horse.”

“She's going to be a great horse for you. I really don't have
any use for her. I think I'll put her and the mare on the two acres next to your place. You can mess with them all you want.”

“Really?” Her eyes were huge and soft brown.

At that moment, he would have given her the world. The thought took him by surprise. He had to stop for a second and refocus.

“How's your mom?” He walked to the back of the barn with her. His dad was there, saddling his gelding. “Going for a ride, Dad?”

“I thought I'd check those back fences to see if I can figure out where the cows are getting out onto Seth's place.”

“Good luck. I rode the four-wheeler out there a few days ago and didn't see anything.”

His dad shook his head. “It's that one Angus heifer that's causing most of the problems. For all we know, she's climbing the fence.”

Jay laughed. “I kind of wondered that myself. She's going to the auction next week. I don't feel like spending all my time chasing her down.”

“Sounds like a good idea. I'll still take a ride and see if I can figure where she's getting out.”

Jay watched his dad ride away and then turned back to Lacey. She had her fingers through the fence and her foal had approached with cautious steps and curious ears pricked forward. He didn't repeat his question about her mom. Instead he watched as she ran her fingers along the foal's muzzle. Rachel leaned against Lacey's shoulder, wrapping tiny fingers in dark hair.

“I think my mom is moving to Gibson.” Lacey turned to face him when the foal pranced away, skittish because a cat had walked out of the barn. The mare nuzzled her foal and the baby leaned into her mom and started to nurse.

Lacey's mom was staying. Jay leaned on the fence and watched the mare and foal, not Lacey.

“I wondered. Are you okay with that?” He stood next to her, and he realized that she wasn't a girl in need of someone to make her dreams come true.

“I am, but I'm not. I've prayed for her for so long, and it was easy to pray. I wanted God to send someone who would be a witness to her. I wanted it to happen in St. Louis, so that I could stay here in my safe life.” She brushed a hand across her eyes. “What kind of person does that make me?”

“A person who has dealt with enough.”

“Maybe.” She sighed. “Let's talk about you. How was your day?”

His day. He leaned against the fence, watching the mare and foal. “We had a drug bust and it ended with two little kids being taken into protective custody. No matter how low people get, or what mistakes they make, it always rips their hearts out when you take their kids. That dad…”

Her hand was on his arm and he smiled down at her.

“It had to be hard to do.” She spoke softly, encouraging. When was the last time he'd talked to someone the way he talked to her?

Never. The one word took him by surprise. Not even with Jamie. He and Jamie had shared a fantasy world that made letting go easier.

“It was,” he admitted. “The parents were crying. The kids were crying.”

Standing next to him, Lacey was crying. Tears trickled down her cheeks and she brushed them away. “Life without faith.”

“Yes.”

“Jay, I know what people are saying. I'm sorry. I'm not even sure who Jamie is, but I'm not trying to take her place. I'm sure that no one could do that. I'm the last person to try and fit into someone else's place in your life.”

He nodded in the direction of the gazebo in the yard. “Let's go sit down in the shade.”

“Okay.”

Jay led the way, not sure what he would say, or how he would say it. He only knew that she deserved the truth. As a friend, she needed to know about Jamie.

 

Lacey walked up the steps into the gazebo. It was cooler there, with a ceiling fan spinning from the rafters, moving the summer air. Hummingbird feeders hung on hooks. A tiny bird buzzed past them, landing on a feeder and drinking for a long time from the nectar.

“My mom keeps the feeders full and sometimes there are dozens of hummingbirds out here.” Jay sat down on a bench and Lacey sat across from him.

She wanted to sit facing him, not next to him, touching him and breathing in the scent of soap and peppermint toothpaste. But sitting across from him presented other problems. Looking at him made her think of the kiss and how it had felt when he walked away from her.

She didn't want to think about him walking away.

He stretched long, tan legs in front of him and smiled. She smiled back, but Rachel fussed against her. She turned the baby so she could look around. Immediately Rachel looked up, mesmerized by the ceiling fan.

“Lacey, I was married.”

It was really hot and she was positive she hadn't heard him correctly. He had proposed and Cindy had rejected him.
Married?
She couldn't process the word.

“Lacey, are you with me?” He leaned forward, tan, lean cheeks, a mouth that smiled hesitant smiles that nearly always did something to her heart.

She took in a deep breath and nodded. “You were married?”

“To Jamie.” He clasped his hands and looked up, like Rachel, at the ceiling fan. The memory she couldn't compare
to. Now she understood. At least she understood a little more than she had.

“You don't have to do this. I told you, it's your story and you don't have to share.” She took a shallow breath that hurt.

“I want you to know. I want you to understand. It was the summer I turned twenty. I came home from college and my mom had brought home a family. She met them in Springfield and they wanted a place in the country for the summer. She gave them the farmhouse, where you live.”

“Jamie?” It was hard for Lacey to say the word, to know that he had loved someone enough to marry her.

And her heart knew that this was his way of telling her what she already knew, that she didn't belong in his life.

“Jamie. She was eighteen and a patient in the clinic where my dad works. She had six months to live and she had always dreamed of living on a farm. Mom made that dream come true for her.”

“And you fell in love with her?”

He didn't answer. Not right away. His eyes were closed and he nodded. When he opened his eyes she saw his broken heart.

“I fell in love with her. She was perfect and innocent. She was full of joy and faith. She had a dream of loving someone forever. And she knew that she wouldn't have forever. So we had three months.”