Authors: Claire Thompson
Tyler looked up. My dad. He fell off a horse this morning and broke his leg. That was Sarah, calling from the hospital. They‘re going to bring him home, but he‘s gonna be laid up a while. They expect me to just drop everything and come help run the place.
Clint nodded. Makes sense. You‘re family. You know the business. But then, you‘ve got this new career now.
Tyler frowned. Yeah. I got this job. But it‘s more than that. She doesn‘t understand. I can‘t go back. I never told her… Tyler stopped himself mid-sentence. He reached for his mug and Clint had the feeling he was hiding behind it.
Clint sipped his coffee and then ventured, Maybe you can just go back a week or two, till they can hire someone?
Tyler stiffened and sat upright. I can‘t go back. He stated the words flatly, as if there were no other possible option.
Why not, Ty? Don‘t you think they‘d give you a leave of absence for a family emergency?
Tyler looked blank for a moment. Then he said, Oh, you mean the magazine? Nah, it‘s not that. To tell you the truth, I‘m not even sure that‘s what I want to do. I miss the horses something awful. Being in the country last week really brought that home to me. I miss the ranch. I miss riding. I miss the night sounds that don‘t include honking horns. I miss my family.
Then what is it keepin‘ you away? They want you back. You want to go back. Seems pretty simple to me.
Tyler shook his head miserably. Nothing‘s simple anymore. Not since I fucked everything up.
Suddenly Clint understood. It‘s that guy Wayne, ain‘t it? The jerk who abused your trust? He was back at your ranch, wasn‘t he? Still there, I take it? You gonna let him win by stayin‘ away?
It‘s not that simple, Tyler replied.
Okay. So tell me. What‘s so complicated?
Tyler sighed. It wasn‘t like with you, Clint. God, I‘m ashamed to admit this to you, to anyone, but I guess you deserve to know it. He turned an anguished expression toward Clint. I let him treat me like a piece of shit. I let him call me a faggot and laugh in my face when I protested. I got off on the rough sex we had, and the dirty things he said when he was whipping my ass or had me trussed up like a calf, his dick down my throat and a sneer on his face. I knew it was sick and shameful, but I—I needed… His voice trailed to a whisper, … I needed the pain.
Clint reached for Tyler, drawing him into his arms. Tyler hid his face on Clint‘s shoulder and Clint stroked his hair. You need the pain but only when it‘s given with love and received with courage. He exploited that need, Tyler. He was a bully who took advantage of you, pure and simple. He‘s the one who should be ashamed, not you.
It‘s worse than that, Tyler murmured. He started demanding things. He wanted me to get my father to promote him to foreman. He threatened me that if I didn‘t do what he wanted, he‘d tell my family what we were doing. He would have been out of a job, but I would have lost everything.
Tyler pulled away from Clint and dropped his head into his hands. Ty, listen to me, Clint entreated. Wayne twisted what should be sacred between two people. He corrupted the gift you offered him. Then he tried to blackmail you into doin‘ what he wanted. I can understand why you felt you had no way out. But maybe there‘s a way back in, if you‘re ready to go home again.
His face still hidden, Tyler shook his head. I can‘t. I just can‘t.
Clint thought about this. He understood he couldn‘t force Tyler to do the right thing, or anything at all. It was up to Tyler to make that kind of decision on his own. Clint understood too he didn‘t know all the details of the situation or what Tyler was really facing.
All Clint knew for sure was that he wanted this man in his life, on whatever terms Tyler was ready or willing to give him. Clint closed his eyes, aware he had just made a decision. For the first time in his life, he was going to do something for someone else— something big—because it mattered that much. Love made it all worthwhile.
Ty, I got something to say. He waited until Tyler looked up, and then he waited a beat longer. I love you. I understand that now, better than I‘ve ever understood a blessed thing in this life. I know you ain‘t perfect. Me either, trust me. We‘re feelin‘ our way together in this thing, but that‘s the key—together. We‘re forgin‘ trust and understandin‘, so I hope you can hear this in the way it‘s intended.
He reached for Tyler, putting his arm around his shoulder. Ty, it seems to me you‘ve spent your life runnin‘. Runnin‘ from your own feelin‘s, runnin‘ from a man who did you wrong, runnin‘ from your family instead lettin‘ them in, trustin‘ them enough to understand who you really are. Even runnin‘ from me.
Tyler opened his mouth but Clint held up his hand. Just hear me out. I‘ve spent a fair portion of my life runnin‘ too. Runnin‘ from feelings that might get me hurt. Now I‘m fixin‘ to turn forty and damn it, I‘m done runnin‘. I found what I‘m lookin‘ for, and that‘s you, Ty. I came here to win you back, and I‘m tellin‘ you now, I ain‘t leavin‘ you, not unless you tell me to go. If you‘re not ready to head back home, that‘s a decision only you can make. But I‘ve come to a decision of my own. I‘m ready to leave the ranch, Tyler. I‘m ready to uproot myself and move to Austin, if it means I can be with you.
He watched the stunned surprise move over Tyler‘s face. Clint pushed on. I figured out something this past week, sittin‘ by the creek and thinkin‘ bout my life, and bout things like what really matters in this world. The way I see it, there‘s two things that matter—love and family. I got no family left, Ty. But I got love. For the first time in my life, I found a man I can love. I ain‘t gonna let that pass me by. Not this time.
Clint‘s voice caught and he swallowed, caught by surprise by the sudden tears pressing just behind his eyes. He let out a breath and then shut his mouth. He‘d said what he had to say.
~*~
Tyler saw Clint‘s dark eyes flood with the tears and he turned sharply away, wrapping his arms around his chest as he tried to compose himself and his thoughts. Were his ears playing tricks, or did Clint Darrow, a diehard born-and-bred cowboy just say he‘d uproot himself and move to the city? Could Clint really leave the wide open country he loved just to be with him?
This declaration penetrated Tyler‘s mind and heart in a more powerful way than any pretty words or even the most intense lovemaking ever could.
He loves me,
he thought, and it was the first time in his life he really knew such a thing for sure.
But when he turned around, Clint was nowhere to be seen. The bedroom door was shut and Tyler had the sudden horrible realization that Clint had misunderstood his action—thinking Tyler was turning his back as a rejection.
He leaped toward the door and wrenched it open. He couldn‘t let Clint get away! He had to set things to right. Frantically he scanned the living room, but it was empty.
Clint! he cried, racing toward the front door. It was then he noticed the sliding patio door was open. He hurried toward it and stepped out onto the concrete pad. Clint was there, leaning against the flimsy iron railing, his back toward Tyler as he faced the parking lot.
Tyler moved beside him, longing to pull Clint into his arms, but sensing a certain reserve that held him back. So instead he moved to stand beside him, leaning his arms on the railing beside Clint, their shoulders touching.
They stood silently side by side for a minute or so. Then Tyler reached out, putting his hand on Clint‘s arm. Clint looked slowly toward him, his expression difficult to read.
I was scared you‘d left, Clint. I don‘t want you to go. Not ever. I guess I was just so floored when you said you‘d give up ranch life, just to be with me. I—I didn‘t know how to respond.
Clint put his hand over Tyler‘s and shook his head, a small smile on his lips. Not
just,
Ty. If I‘ve finally learned something from all this, it‘s that love is what matters. It‘s what makes life worth living.
Tyler let the wonder he was feeling seep into his voice as he finally put it into words. So then, you must…really love me.
Clint laughed and punched Tyler in the shoulder. You‘re figurin‘ that out, huh? Takin‘ you a while, boy.
Tyler grinned sheepishly and ducked his head, but then the smile slid away from his face. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I got something to say, Clint. It hit me in the gut when I thought for a minute you‘d gone. I realized I don‘t even want to be here. Austin isn‘t my home. I‘ve just been hiding out here. Running, just like you said. I miss the ranch. I miss the horses and my family. I can‘t even imagine you here in this big city. You would be liked a penned calf here, Clint. You‘d go stir crazy in a week.
I‘d be fine, Clint asserted.
Tyler shook his head. I doubt it. But the fact that you‘d do it. That you‘re willing to make that kind of sacrifice for me… Again he shook his head in wonder. This whole journalism thing—it was just a cover, something to hide behind. I guess I thought if I ran far enough, I could run from my own feelings.
He hit the railing with his fist. I know what I need to do, Clint. I guess I‘ve known all along but I just wasn‘t ready to face it. I have to go back. I have to do the right thing by my family. But more importantly, I have to do the right thing for myself.
Clint was watching him, waiting. Tyler took a breath and then he said it: I have to face Wayne Hurley. I have to let him know what he did wasn‘t okay.
Clint nodded. Let‘s go inside, he said, and they moved together back into the apartment. Clint took Tyler into his arms and it felt so good just to be there. I‘m proud of you, Ty, Clint said. It takes a real man to face up to his own fears.
They held each other for a long time, as the words Tyler longed to say moved slowly through him. And then, for the first time in his life he found the courage to say words he realized he meant with all his heart.
I love you.
I love you, too, Clint replied.
Tyler pulled out his cell phone when they were about a mile from the Double S Ranch. Hey, Sarah. We should be there in a few minutes.
We?
Tyler had called her back once he‘d made the decision to return to the ranch. He‘d only packed enough to stay a week or so, but in his heart he knew he was coming home. He‘d called his editor to let her know he had a family emergency and needed to take a leave of absence.
Clint had offered to drive him home in his truck and Tyler had readily agreed. They could get his car later, when he figured things out.
Yeah. My friend, Clint Darrow, is with me. I guess I should have mentioned that when we spoke yesterday.
No, that‘s fine. Any friend of yours is welcome, Tyler. Mama and Dad are thrilled you‘re coming home. Well, she paused, Mama is, anyway. Dad‘ll come around though, you‘ll see, now that the prodigal son is finally returning.
Tyler groaned. Sarah was three years Tyler‘s senior. Their father had kept it no secret that his firstborn was supposed to have been a son, though over the years he could never fault Sarah for her dedication to the ranch and pure love of the horses.
When Tyler was born however, after his mother had sustained two miscarriages, his father‘s jubilation had become part of the family lore. He finally had a son! The second S in the Double S Ranch, he‘d told Tyler more times than he could count, stood for son—Sutton and Son.
But Sarah‘s the one who wants to run the place, Tyler had protested when he was small. Sarah should be the second S! This too had become part of the family lore, though not surprisingly, Sarah was less than amused by it all, angrily insisting that girls could do as much as boys, and do it better.
In time her father had had no choice but to agree, as Sarah dedicated her life to the horses, and even ended up marrying their foreman, Bert Carlson. But still Tom Sutton held firm to the idea that Tyler would be the one to ultimately take over the place, once he was gone. This had rankled Sarah to no end, and at the same time, put unwelcome pressure on Tyler. For though he also loved the horses and the ranching way of life, he resented his father‘s foregone assumption that he had no choice in the matter.
As they pulled up the long drive that led to the main house, Sarah came running out the front door of the house. She was still in her leather vest and chaps, her long blond hair pulled back in a ponytail, and Tyler knew she had just come from riding. Sarah loved those horses more than she loved Bert, or so it seemed to Tyler.
Clint and Tyler climbed down from the truck and introductions were made. Let‘s go on back to your place and put your stuff down, Sarah suggested, as Clint and Tyler hoisted their duffel bags over their shoulders. I got your cabin all aired out this morning. We‘ve kept it empty all this time, though a couple of the hands wanted to take it over. I just
knew
you‘d be back.
Over initial protests by Tyler‘s mother, at the age of twenty-six, while not moving off the property altogether, Tyler had insisted on having his own space, and had taken over the cabin once occupied by the foreman, but abandoned once Bert Carlson had married the boss‘s daughter and moved into the big house.
Sarah smiled warmly at Tyler and he realized just how much he‘d missed her. They walked along the path behind the house in the direction of the bunkhouse and Tyler‘s cabin. Dad‘s napping and Mama‘s washing up from lunch, so we got time, she informed him.
Good, Tyler replied. Because I got something to tell you before we go up to the house. Something I should have told you a long time ago.
Sarah, who had moved a little ahead of them on the path, looked back, her arched eyebrows raised. Sounds important. Is this where I find out I was adopted and am really the daughter of the Enchanted Horse Queen?
Tyler laughed and turned to Clint. When I was a little kid, I had nightmares sometimes, and I would go to Sarah‘s room and climb into her bed. She would make up these great stories that usually featured the Enchanted Horse Queen, this magical creature who was human by day, but horse by night, with a coat of real silver and hooves with diamond shoes.
Sounds right poetic, Clint remarked with a smile.
Clint‘s a cowboy poet, Tyler told Sarah. I met him when I was covering a cowboy poetry festival for the magazine. They talked about that for a few minutes as they entered the cabin and put their things down. It was a one-room affair not unlike Clint‘s place, though Tyler‘s included a loft above that served as his bedroom. Tyler glanced upward, imagining Clint sleeping in his bed and it reminded him of his resolve.
I even stocked your refrigerator, Sarah remarked. Lone Star Beer and Dr. Pepper.
I‘m gonna like this girl. Clint beamed and Tyler laughed.
Tyler got them each a can of soda and said, Sit down, Sarah. I was serious when I said I had something I want to talk to you about.
I think I‘m just gonna step out and take a little walk— Clint began.
No, Tyler said quickly. Please, stay. I want you here, Clint. If that‘s okay. Clint nodded and the three of them sat down, Tyler beside Sarah on the futon couch, Clint opposite them on one of the two chairs that faced the couch.
Tyler cupped his hands around his soda, suddenly wishing it were a beer, though he knew the courage he needed to draw on now couldn‘t be gotten from a bottle. They‘d discussed it at length during the four-hour drive from Austin, and Tyler, with Clint‘s love behind him, had been more than ready to finally tell his family he was gay and proud of it. But now that he was sitting here beside his sister, the words didn‘t come so easy.
Sarah turned expectantly toward Tyler. Okay, little brother. What‘re you so allfired up to tell me? I‘m all ears.
Well, I… Tyler paused, the carefully planned speech he‘d written in his head now completely inaccessible. Sarah was watching him with a kind smile. He glanced nervously toward Clint, who gave him an imperceptible encouraging nod, as if to say,
you can do it
.
You know how Mama was always after me to marry and raise a family. And how I always put her off with stuff like I was too young, and someday I‘d settle down.
Uh huh. Sarah nodded.
Well. Tyler took a breath and forged on. The reason I never dated much in high school and never brought any girl home to meet the folks is… The air felt close in the cabin and Tyler pulled at the neck of his T-shirt, suddenly overly-warm. Both Sarah and Clint were watching him expectantly. Feeling like he used to as a kid when he‘d be poised high up on the ledge of the old rock, ready to dive into the lake they called the mud hole, Tyler took the leap.
I‘m gay, Sarah. And Clint here‘s more than my friend. A lot more.
Though he knew if anyone in the family would understand, it was Sarah, he still half-expected her to scream, or leap up in horror and run from the cabin. What she did surprised him even more.
She laid her hand lightly on his arm and smiled. I know that, hon. I‘ve known it for years. But I‘m honored you finally found the trust to confide in me. That means a lot.
Tyler stared at his sister, his mouth falling open. She shook her head and started to laugh. Clint began to laugh too. After a moment, Tyler joined in.
If only it would be so easy to tell his father. But that, Tyler knew, would be no laughing matter.
~*~
Well, I guess if it took breaking my leg to get you to come home, then it was worth it. Now what do I have to do to get you to stay? Have a heart attack?
Dad, cut it out. For some reason, no matter how many years passed, whenever Tyler got around his father, he felt like he was fourteen.
Tyler sat beside his father in the master suite of the sprawling ranch house where he‘d grown up. Tom Sutton, a large man with light brown hair sprinkled liberally with gray, lay propped against many pillows on the king-size bed, his left leg in a long white cast that went from thigh to ankle.
I‘m sorry it‘s been so long, Ty replied. I would have come sooner, but with work and all…
What, writing little stories for some frou-frou magazine is called work now? Last I looked, work was usin‘ your back and your hands to earn an honest livin‘. Sittin‘ at some desk in some air-conditioned office ain‘t
work
. Not for a Sutton, at any rate. Not when there‘s real work to be done on the ranch and not enough good men to do it.
Tyler felt his neck heat and he bit down a scathing retort, reminding himself his dad was laid up and no doubt frustrated and in pain. Dad, he tried, That‘s not fair. I—
Oh, save me your excuses. Tom Sutton snorted. I should just be glad you finally came home. I guess every man needs a little time to sow their wild oats. He squinted suddenly at Tyler. Did you sow some, boy? Is that what all this nonsense was about, you takin‘ off like someone had lit a fire under your butt? Have you got a little filly in the wings you ain‘t tellin‘ us about? Is that what took you gallavantin‘ off to Austin? Is your mama finally gonna get to hear them dang weddin‘ bells she‘s always goin‘ on about?
Jesus, Dad, don‘t start with that— Tyler began.
Okay, okay. But answer the question. You finally got a girl at least?
Was this his chance? His father had offered the opening by asking if there was someone in his life. Was now the time to finally tell the truth, a truth he‘d been hiding for so many years? Would his father be able to understand? To accept him for who he was?
Dad, I—
Knock, knock, came a singsong voice. Tyler‘s mother, a small woman with fading blond hair and a ready smile, poked her head into the room. She had greeted Tyler with hugs and kisses when he‘d entered the house, without one word of recrimination. That, Tyler had known, was waiting upstairs.
Sorry to interrupt you boys, but Dr. Bradley was nice enough to stop by, Tom. He just wants to pop up and see how you‘re doing. Isn‘t that thoughtful?
Doctors make house calls in Austin, boy? Tom barked. Replying to his own question, he added, I doubt it. Turning to his wife, he said, Sure, send him up. That‘s right nice of him to stop by.
I‘ll check in later, Tyler said, frustration and relief coursing through him in equal measure. There would be time, plenty of time, to set things right with his parents. How they chose to react would be their responsibility and their problem, not his.
His parents occupied with the doctor, Tyler made his way to the stables, eager to see his horses at last, especially Star, his pride and joy. Star had foaled that spring, and he‘d missed it, though Sarah had kept him apprised of the birth and sent pictures of the proud mama and her new colt, which Sarah had named Midnight because of his coal black coat.
Sarah had already taken Clint to see the horses, as they all agreed Clint should be introduced to Tom and Linda Sutton later, at supper, when things had settled down a bit.
Tyler entered the stalls where Star was kept. It was empty and he realized she must be in the pasture with her baby, enjoying the late afternoon sun. He was just about to go out in search of them when he heard a voice that made his blood run hot and cold at the same time.
Well, look who finally came back home with his tail between his legs.
Tyler turned around to see Wayne Hurley leaning against the doorframe, his cowboy hat tilted at an angle that hid his eyes, a cruel smile lifting the edges of his mouth. Wayne was movie star handsome, with thick, curling brown hair, hazel eyes flecked with gold, his jaw square, his lips full and lush.
Tyler knew he had to face Wayne straight out of the chute, but he‘d planned to seek him out, not the other way around. He‘d been rehearsing that speech too in his head on and on the whole way to the ranch, determined at last to have his say and put Wayne firmly in his place. But, now, as he stared at Wayne, all thoughts and rehearsed speeches flew from his head.
Those eyes, which used to hold Tyler in such thrall, burning into him with what Tyler used to think was passion, now seemed cold and flat, neither giving nor reflecting light, like a reptile. Wayne spoke in a slow, derisive drawl. Well, if it ain‘t my personal piece of ass, finally come sniveling back to make his amends. Bet ya‘ missed me, didn‘t ya‘, boy? Ain‘t nobody around. Get on your knees and show me just how much you missed me.
I‘m done with all that, Wayne, Tyler snapped, his voice low as he struggled to contain his anger and the lingering shame beneath it. You got no hold over me. Not anymore.
Wayne moved closer. He had been with the horses and he was dusty and sweaty, the smell pungent as he approached. His laugh was low and cruel. I got no hold? You think just cause you ran away that I don‘t still own you? I knew you‘d be back. He moved closer, too close for comfort and Tyler stepped back. And it‘s about time, too, Wayne continued, cause I been lookin‘ for a whippin‘ boy, and my dick is in need of attention.
The anger bubbled over, obliterating any lingering shame. Tyler understood now, on a gut level, that what Wayne had offered—no, what Wayne had
taken
—had nothing to do with what Tyler really needed or craved. It was as far from what he shared with Clint as a wooden nickel was compared to a coin of solid gold.
In a sudden movement he lunged toward Wayne, pushing him hard against the wall of the stall as he grabbed a handful of Wayne‘s shirt and twisted it in his fist. I just told you, I ain‘t interested in what you got to offer. So I‘d thank you to keep your dirty mouth shut and your filthy thoughts to yourself.
Wayne wrenched himself from Tyler‘s grip and Tyler let go, clenching his hands into fists at his sides. He hadn‘t meant to lose his temper. He‘d intended to freeze Wayne with haughty indifference. Now he breathed hard through his nose, willing himself to calm down.
Wayne smoothed down his shirt. There was a spot of red on each cheek and Tyler knew he was angry, and no doubt surprised to find the change in the once-passive Tyler. Wayne grinned, a slow, unpleasant grimace as his eyes narrowed. What happened to you in Austin, boy? Did your mind turn to mush? Did you forget you‘re nothin‘ but a snivelin‘ faggot who gets off on being fucked up the ass and whupped till you bleed?
Tyler imagined smashing his fist into that perfect, square jaw, but he kept his arms at his sides. I haven‘t forgotten a thing. I haven‘t forgotten that you threatened me with blackmail. You‘re not worth the horse shit on the bottom of my boot. You try to mess with me, and I‘ll give it back, just watch. I can give as good as I get.
Wayne laughed, the sound harsh, though Tyler could sense a slight faltering in his cocky self-assurance. You forget, Ty. I know your secrets. You better have your dad make me foreman, or I‘ll spill em all.