The dream did not come at once; I was so tired that oblivion claimed me for a time. But then I found myself on a field. It was delightfully warm. I saw flowers everywhere, of all colors. I plucked them and put them in my basket. One patch of red flowers was particularly beautiful, and I reached down to make my selection.
A white hand seized my wrist and I went down, down through the wet ground. A tunnel formed, and I hurtled through it. I screamed, yet I knew that no one could hear me.
I found myself in a cave, sitting up, my arms hugging my knees. Water dripped into a dark pool. I heard footsteps in the cave and began to breathe rapidly.
I did not see anyone approach, but suddenly a man knelt next to me. He smiled, trying to calm me. “Nothing bad will happen to you now, Sister Joanna,” he said.
“You know my name?” I asked.
He nodded.
I felt very weak and lay down on the floor of the cave, the water dripping faster into the pool next to my head. I closed my eyes. I knew something was about to happen to me. I did not want to see it. But I did not want to get up, either.
I felt soft breezes, delicate puffs, shiver across my body. There were no hands on me, just the breezes. They caressed me, tickled me with achingly long strokes. The water dripped even faster into the pool; it was becoming a waterfall. I heard short, gasping, panting breaths, but not a man’s; they were the sounds a woman might make. My limbs burned and tingled.
With a start, I woke up. The coolness, the caressing breezes were gone. I was tangled up in my blanket, sweaty with confusion.
An enormous wave of shame washed over me. I had had a sinful dream. I turned toward the mullioned window next to the bed. The moon was high. It was still the middle of the night.
I was tired, and yet I was seized with a great restlessness. I began to wonder if Brother Edmund was asleep. If he wasn’t, I needed to talk to him. It was selfish of me, and terribly wrong, but I craved reassurance from him that I was not a terrible person. I sat up in the bed. My hand shook as I reached up to pull back the blanket he had erected next to my bed.
I moved the blanket aside, just a few inches, and peeked out. Moonlight flooded the room. I could see the pallet clearly on the other side of the room. It was empty. Brother Edmund was gone.
I slumped back down in the bed. He must have left for the stables after all. I felt confused and a bit angry that he had done this after our discussion. But I was also oddly relieved.
Within minutes I fell asleep again.
It was easy to waken before dawn; I was accustomed to it from my time at the priory. I dressed and found my way downstairs.
The monks and friars milled about in the courtyard outside the inn. Brother Edmund talked to two Benedictines. I spotted John and Luke to the side, with our horses gathered.
Brother Edmund made his way
over to me. I expected him to say something about his disappearance from the room.
“This pilgrimage should not take long,” he said in a cool, impersonal tone. “We will walk with the brothers to Stonehenge, and then go our own way, on horseback. We should make it to Malmesbury Abbey well before sundown.”
I nodded, and waited. He still said nothing about the night before. I noticed that he did not look as ill as the other mornings. The nightmares had not ravaged him.
He leaned down to say something else, quietly. “I will walk with the brothers, but you should ride one of the horses.”
I recoiled. “Did they ask you to tell me to separate myself?”
“No.”
My throat tightened. “Do you want me to walk apart from you?”
“It might be best,” he said.
“If we are going to make a pilgrimage to this ancient place, then I will travel as a pilgrim does, which is on foot,” I said angrily.
He started to say something, but I brushed him aside. I strode up to Brother Oswald. “I thank you for your invitation. Whenever you are ready, I am prepared to walk.”
We set out through the dark, silent town of Amesbury. A Franciscan monk led the way, carrying a thick candle. Our shoes made crunching noises on the frozen ground.
I purposefully walked far apart from Brother Edmund, I felt so angry with him. Every time he neared me, I strode faster, or started a conversation with a friendly friar. After the third approach, he seemed to give up and fell back.
We settled onto a path out of town, walking in single file, singing hymns. The white clouds of our breath hovered in the air.
The path traveled a series of small, low hills. A faint light crawled higher up the eastern horizon. I peered behind me, to the end of the line of religious men. Brother Edmund was halfway back. Luke and John were at the very end, with the horses.
The Franciscan carrying the candle paused at the top of a hill, then turned around to us and dramatically blew out his candle. A reddish glow pulsed in the sky.
“Hurry,” someone shouted. We started running, to get to the top of the hill the Franciscan stood on. We were no longer in single file. Once we’d reached him, we stood shoulder
to shoulder, all equals.
From the top of the hill, I saw atop the next one a rough, broken circle of enormously tall stone slabs of the same height, surrounding a handful of other, smaller slabs. It was the strangest thing I’d ever beheld. Yet it was familiar, too. Like a fragment of a dream I’d had years ago, coming to life on this undulating plain.
As we walked together to the stone slabs, the sun rose over the hill far behind Stonehenge. Suddenly, where there had been light-gray stone on dark soil, I saw blinding contrasts. Gold shimmered on black. Shadows leaped everywhere.
The monk closest to me laughed at the sight of the shadows. He was a Benedictine, stout, with wide-set brown eyes and a graying beard. Tears coursed down his cheeks. I had not spoken to him yet that morning, had not known he existed before last night. Yet we smiled at each other as if we were lifelong friends. I held out my hand, and he took it. His rough fingers scratched my palm. We walked the rest of the way together.
As I approached the outer circle of stones, I trembled. I was filled with the conviction that everything I’d done in my life, every decision, every word spoken, had led me to this hill, on this morning.
Some of the monks and friars paced around the stones; some prayed on their knees; some stood in the center, their palms stretched upward. I saw Brother Edmund turn in a circle, slowly, looking at the slabs. Brother Oswald knelt near him, chanting.
I walked between two outer slabs, three times the height of any man, to enter the circle. The giant stones in the middle were twisted, more misshapen, almost as if they were hurt. It came over me how protective the outer stones were in their circle. It resembled the priory, how we sisters cared for one another. The sick or the hurt or the infirm moved into the center, and the stronger ones made a chain, to heal and comfort. Our lives, our commitment, were celebrated here. We mattered.
I knelt on the ground. The rising sun bathed my face. I began to pray. I had not gotten very far when I felt a foot nudge my knee. It was Brother Edmund, his mouth twisted.
“We need to leave,” he said.
“Now? So soon?”
“There are no answers
here,” he said. “Just enormous stones hauled up a hill by pagans, centuries ago.”
“And Brother Oswald?” I glanced over at the chanting Cistercian.
“He won’t learn anything here, certainly not why God has allowed the dissolution of the monasteries.” The friar’s voice was harsh. “The only way we can help him, help all of these poor lost men, is by finding the means to stop Cromwell.”
Brother Edmund reached down and pulled me to my feet, his grip surprisingly strong. He trotted to the horses, never letting go of me. When we passed a large thicket, I walked too close and a branch raked my arm.
“You don’t need to drag me,” I snapped. “That hurt.”
“Did I just hear you lodge a complaint, Sister Joanna?” he asked. “Well, one memorable thing did occur this morning, after all.”
I tore myself away from Brother Edmund. “What is
wrong
with you?”
“Forgive me, I should not speak so. I just feel tremendous pain for these blameless men. And pity. On the way to the stones, Brother Oswald told me they have pooled the money of their pensions. They don’t intend to use it to live on for the years to come, or to pay for bookings to Europe, to seek out abbeys that will take them in. They refuse to leave their country, and they are spending all the pension money
now,
on this senseless wandering across England.”
“Are you certain that they are the senseless ones, and not us?” I asked.
He winced. “No, I’m not.”
We walked in silence for a few minutes. Brother Edmund and I took one last look back at the monks, still praying and chanting and milling around Stonehenge. I mourned that I would never set eyes on them again.
“They could yet find enlightenment today,” I said, thinking of my own revelation while standing within the stones. “You cannot see into another man’s prayers.”
Brother Edmund’s lips tightened. “We must get to Malmesbury Abbey.”
We mounted the waiting horses and rode away.
Our direction was northwest. Luke was a great help—my cousin was right, he did
know the land. He guided our journey, as we threaded through the barren farms and the cattle fields, going slowly because the roads were so narrow and poorly maintained. It did not seem possible that a large abbey, the burial place of a great king, would be found tucked away in this simple country. Brother Edmund kept looking up at the sun, as it reached its highest point, and then began its western descent. He spoke very little, except to say no whenever John or Luke suggested a rest.
In the middle of the afternoon, I finally prevailed. “The horses must be fed. I want to get there as quickly as you do, but the animals will falter without food and water, and we don’t have a second string.”
While the horses rested and I shared bread and apples with John and Luke, Brother Edmund stood apart from the rest of us, his fingers laced behind his back, staring at the trees along the side of the road. I could tell from the wary fashion that Luke glanced over at him how much he feared Brother Edmund.
I took the last apple and marched over to the friar.
“Please, Sister, don’t ask it of me—I can’t eat anything today,” he muttered. I spotted a bead of sweat rolling down his brow, despite the cold. His affliction was worse than ever.
Suddenly, he pointed at a thicket of trees, far off the road, and scrambled toward them.
“What is it, Brother?” I called. “Please, stop. Wait for me.”
He just ran faster, and I followed, frightened.
Behind the trees was a stone ruin. Only the foundation remained, and half of one wall. But at the far end of the square foundation rose a strange cross. It had a circle in the middle, the points of the cross extending just beyond. Faint markings ran up the base. It stood about four feet tall, with a center that was low to the ground—the cross seemed to be sinking into the earth.
“This could be seven hundred years old,” he said to me, excited.
“What language is that?” I pointed at the markings.
“I’m not sure—Celtic, perhaps,” he said. He reached out and caressed the cross, reverently, and began praying.
When we returned to the others, he asked Luke whether he’d seen any such others in the countryside.
“Aye, sir,” he said. “This be the oldest part of England.”
“ ‘Oldest’?” the friar repeated sharply.
“In what way?”
Luke shrugged, uncomfortable. “It’s just what people say, sir. This road we’re on, Kingsway, it was built many, many years ago. My grandfather called it ‘Alfred’s Road.’ ”
Brother Edmund and I exchanged a look, and he strode to his horse.
“Come—let us be off again,” he called out, his brown eyes blazing.
John and Luke exchanged their own worried looks as they trudged to their horses. I tried my best to pretend to the men that all was well.
Sundown drew near. The day should have been getting colder. But instead, as we rode north, going as quickly as the road allowed, the air grew milder. It was unnerving. I did not share Brother Edmund’s affliction, the part that made him sweat, so what reason could there be for this? Then I noticed John loosen his outer clothing as well.
It was as if something rose up from within the earth to warm us.
At a crossroads, Luke lifted up in his saddle. “Malmesbury ahead,” he called. A flat hill stood against the western horizon. Atop it, a wall ran around a tight cluster of roofs. This was far more than a market town.
I heard a rushing noise. To the left ran a river, tumbling over smooth rocks. It curved around the city on the hill. An ancient stone bridge crossed the river. The river split, the other arm encircling Malmesbury. Then the road made its ascent, climbing up to a town that was almost an island between the rivers.
“Look—do you think that’s it?” asked Brother Edmund, pointing at the largest building atop the hill. I saw towers and a long slanted roof.
“But that’s as big as a cathedral,” I said, awed.
He kicked his horse to clatter over the bridge. “Where is the abbey?” I heard Brother Edmund shout to a man walking on the side of the bridge.
“The north end of town, sir,” the man said, fingering his cap.
Brother Edmund surged ahead, at a full gallop through the gates of Malmesbury. My horse was exhausted—I did not want to whip her to go fast up a hill, so I trotted behind with John and Luke.
When we reached the main part
of town, I could see him ahead. Brother Edmund slowed and jumped off his horse, so quickly he stumbled and then righted himself. He ran to a high brick wall on the right of the street and then froze, like a statue.
“No!” I heard him scream, as if he’d been run through.
By the time I’d reached him, Brother Edmund was openly weeping. A small crowd gathered: two women, an old man, and a boy, all concerned for the distraught stranger.
I ran to Brother Edmund. “In the name of the Savior, what is it?” I pleaded.
“Malmesbury has been destroyed,” he choked.