The Culmination (41 page)

Sunny giggles uproariously.

“Jonas,” Sarah says, but she’s obviously as amused as I am.

“What the heck are you laughing about, Sunshine?” I say. “Do you think your daddy’s a flaming idiot like Luna does?”

She giggles again.

“Don’t you wonder what she’s thinking?” I ask.

“Oh, no doubt she’s coming up with jokes for her comedy tour,” Sarah says. She pulls Sunny onto her lap and holds her like a ventriloquist’s dummy. “Aren’t mommy’s weird? Take my mom...
Please.
”

I laugh.

“You think
your
mom’s embarrassing?” Sarah continues, talking in her chipper Sunny-voice and pulling an imaginary string at the back of Sunny’s head. “Well,
my
mom sniffs my butt—in
public
!”

“Ba-dam-sssh,” I say. I pick up Luna and position her on my lap as my own ventriloquist’s dummy, the same way Sarah’s holding Sunny. “Knock, knock,” I say in a bored, intellectual voice, the one we always use for Luna.

“Who’s there?” Sarah asks in her cheery-Sunny voice.

“A-hole,” I say, still in Luna’s voice.

Sarah laughs. “A-hole who?”

“A...
whole
bunch of poop in my diaper!”

Sarah bursts out laughing.

“What did you think I was gonna say?” I ask, speaking for Luna again. “I’m a
bay-bay.
I don’t know curse words yet.”

“It’s only a matter of time, sissy, with a daddy like ours,” Sarah says in Sunny’s voice. “Pretty soon, you’re gonna tell daddy he’s so
fucking
funny!”

I’m laughing too hard to reply.

“Hey, Luna!” Sarah says in her happy Sunny-voice, pulling that imaginary string at the back of Sunny’s head again.

“Yes, Sunny?” I ask, tilting Luna’s body toward her sister like she’s leaning in to hear a secret.

“Ya wanna hear a joke, sissy?”

I take Luna’s hand and bring it to her mouth, like she’s yawning. “Awwwwwhhhh,” I say for Luna. “I suppose. But you’d better make it quick. I’m teaching a seminar on development and poverty reduction through micro-finance in a few minutes.”

Sarah hoots with laughter at that one and keeps on laughing for a solid minute before she pulls herself together enough to make Sunny’s voice again. “What did the baby say after breastfeeding?”

“What?” I say on Luna’s behalf, making her sound bored as hell again.

Sarah can’t get the rest out. She’s laughing too hard.

I sit and stare at her for two minutes while she cries with laughter. Finally, she pulls herself together. “What did the baby say after breastfeeding?” she repeats, still laughing.

“
What
?” I say in my Luna-voice. “Tell me already for the love of God.”

“Nothing! Nothing at all! The baby puked, pooped, and then fell fast asleep at her mommy’s boobies! And it was totes
awesome!
”

“I waited ten minutes for
that
?”

Sarah nods, once again incapable of coherent speech.

“You’re such a dork, Sarah Faraday.”

Sarah beams at me. “Thank you. Back at you, baby.”

I turn Luna toward me. “How are we supposed to tolerate this kind of banal humor, Daddy?” I ask myself in Luna’s intellectual voice. “I don’t know,” I reply in my own, deep voice. “It’s totally beneath us.” I whip Luna back around and tilt her back like she’s looking me up and down. “Wait a cotton pickin’ minute,” I say in Luna’s voice. “This whole time I thought the one with the delicious boobies was holding me! What the heck! Give me to the one with the massive tits!”

Sarah and I both laugh hysterically.

“Oh my God,” Sarah says. “My sides hurt.” She takes a deep breath, gathering herself enough to carry on. “Aw, come on, Lu,” Sarah says in Sunny’s cheery voice, moving Sunny’s hand to make it point at me in scolding motion. “That big mountain over there without titties is our sweet
daddy
. He may not have boobies, it’s true, but he has big, strong
muscles
. And a heart the size of the Grand Canyon. Oh, and he’s a super-smart-fancy-pants-mogul dude, too—he’s even been on the cover of some important magazines and stuff—so let’s at least give him a
chance
.”

“Do muscles fill my belly, you imbecile?” I ask in Luna’s voice. I pause so that Sarah can gently squeeze Sunny’s little rosebud mouth into an “O” of pure shock. “Does a heart the size of the Grand Canyon help me write my thesis on The Affective Recognition in Multilingual Chinese-Canadian Literature?”

Sarah bursts out laughing again and then pivots Sunny back and forth like she’s shaking her head in shame. “Naw. I guess not, sissy. I sowwy. Pwease fo-give me.”

“That’s what I thought,” I say, continuing with Luna’s bossy affect. “Pull your shit together, Sunny. I’m tired of carrying you on my fucking back all the time.” I turn Luna back to face me again. “And
you.
Listen here, you meathead. I’ve been exceedingly patient and tolerant about your obvious idiocy and non-lactating nipples. Now, for the love of all things holy, give me to the one with the big ol’ titties!”

Sarah screams with laughter and I join her—which, of course, makes Sunny laugh hysterically, too. We’re all having so much fun; even Luna’s smiling and giggling. Sort of.

“Good to know I married as big a weirdo as me,” Sarah says.

“Well, if this is weird then I don’t ever wanna be normal,” I reply.

“I could do this all day long. Literally.”

“I think we have been doing this all day, literally,” I say. I look at my watch. “Yeah. Pretty much all day.”

“Weren’t we planning to do something productive today?” Sarah asks. “Didn’t we have somewhere we were supposed to go?”

“Yeah, actually. I think there was a fundraiser for the children’s hospital we were supposed to attend.” I shrug. “But, meh, I’ll just triple my donation. I’d rather be here with the three loves of my life, telling knock-knock jokes, than putting on a tuxedo and making small talk.”

Sunny spontaneously giggles again, making us both laugh—which finally makes Luna join in wholeheartedly with a deep belly laugh.

“There it is,” Sarah says. “So hard to elicit, but so freaking rewarding when she finally gives it up.”

“I pity the poor guy who tries to win Luna’s heart one day,” I say. “He’s gonna have his work cut out for him.”

“Are you kidding? The guys are gonna be all over Lu like a cheap suit. From what I hear, men love a good challenge.” She winks.

“Any self-respecting man does, anyway.”

Sarah makes the slightest face at Sunny and she squeals with glee. “And then there’s gonna be Little Miss Sunshine, gleefully wearing her heart on her sleeve, throwing her love into the sky like confetti.” Sarah makes an exaggerated sad face. “And getting it crushed into a trillion tiny pieces.”

I feel like she just punched me in the stomach. “Why would you say that? Even thinking about Sunny getting her heart broken makes me want to beat him up, whoever he is.”

“Who?”

“Whatever future asshole is gonna break my daughter’s innocent little heart.”

“Oh, Jonas.” She shakes her head. “Both of our daughters will get their hearts broken. It’s unavoidable.”

“Why is it unavoidable?”

“Because the future Jonas and Josh Faradays of the world are out there, and they’re gonna break a lot of hearts before they finally figure themselves out. It’s just the way it is.”

I pause, considering. “Well, maybe Sunny and Lu will be the girls who help the future Jonas and Josh Faradays finally figure themselves out.”

“Maybe.”

I look down at Sunny’s smiling face. “I’m gonna kill the bastards.”

Sarah laughs. “I can only imagine how some poor sixteen-year-old is gonna crap his pants when he shows up to take Sunny to the movies and the Incredible Hulk answers the door.”

“Oh, well
that
I can assure you will never happen because our daughters will never be allowed to date.”

“Oh, really?”

“Really. And certainly not at sixteen.”

Sarah chuckles. “Well, good luck with that, Daddy. You do realize you’ve just guaranteed they’re gonna sneak out their windows in the middle of the night?”

“I’ll put bars on the windows and doors, then.”

“Ah. Well. Problem solved. That’s why they pay you the big bucks, Mr. Mogul.”

“I’ve got to do something. Just look at them. They’re already knockouts.”

We gaze at our daughters for a long minute, both of us sighing. I slip my hand into Sarah’s. “I know everyone says this about their own babies, but the objective fact is that our girls are the cutest babies ever in the history of time.”

“Truth.”

“If they’re this beautiful at five months old, I can’t even imagine how off-the-charts gorgeous they’re gonna be when they’re teenagers,” I say.

“But you’re not biased or anything.”

“Sarah. Look at them. This isn’t bias. It’s purely mathematical.”

Sarah grins at me, and, just like that, I’m overcome with an all-consuming happiness. I pull her face into mine and kiss her deeply.

“Zowie,” she says.

“You’re the only human who says zowie.”

She shrugs. “Bugs Bunny says it.”

“Case in point.” I kiss her again, and my cock springs to life. “What do you think about us finally taking a weekend away?” I ask.

She looks anxious.

“I’ll plan everything. Rosario and your mom will stay with the girls. You won’t have to do a thing.” Shit. I’d meant to sound cool and collected, to lull her into a sense of calmness with my words, but I’m suddenly rambling with uncontained excitement.

She considers for a minute. “Kat’s gonna pop any day now. I don’t wanna miss Jack’s arrival.”

I try to breathe naturally. “We’ll go two weeks after Jack’s born, whenever that is. It’ll be Jack’s birthday present to us.” I put on my ‘Jack Faraday is a fucking beast’ voice. “When Jack Faraday celebrates a birthday, he gives his beloved aunt and uncle the best fuck of their life.” I laugh, but Sarah doesn’t join me. She’s chewing on the inside of her cheek, obviously filled with anxiety.

“I dunno, Jonas. I’m not sure I’m ready to leave the girls overnight quite yet. Why don’t we go to a nearby hotel for an afternoon?”

I sigh. Our sex life has returned to almost normal—which is pretty fucking awesome, I must say. But I’m ready to take it to a whole new level—a new normal—and I’m damned sure we have to get the hell out of Dodge, to a place where Sarah can lose herself completely and not think about whether one of her daughters is hungry or needs a nap, to get there.

“Soon, Jonas. Okay?” Sarah says. “Really soon. Just give me a little bit more time to get used to the idea. The girls are still nursing so much.”

I kiss her again. “Okay, baby. We’ll take it slow. Whenever you’re ready. You just let me know.”

I glance down at Sunny and she giggles at me. “This is all your
fucking
fault, you know.”

Sunny sticks her entire fist into her mouth and squeals.

I lean down and nuzzle my nose into Sunny’s neck and she giggles. “All your fucking fault, my precious baby,” I say softly. “Do you know that? All. Your.
Fucking
. Fault.”

“Gaaaaaahbuh,” Sunny replies.

“That means, ‘I sowwy,’” Sarah says.

I shift my face to the left and nuzzle Luna’s cheek. “Hello, my precious baby number two. It’s all your fucking fault, too.” I pull back to look into Luna’s dark eyes and she crinkles her nose at me, totally unimpressed. “Oh, really? How the hell did I piss you off this time, Lu?”

Sarah laughs. “I wouldn’t take it too personally. I think she’s just pooping.” She picks Luna up and sniffs her butt. “Yep.” She scoops Luna off the blanket. “Come on, Lunatic. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

I scoop up Sunny and follow Sarah. “I tell you what, love. How about I work out while you and Rosario get the girls changed and fed? And when I get back, we’ll have Rosario take the girls out for a nice, long walk in their stroller.” I grin. “A nice, looooong walk to the park, perhaps? Long enough for me to take my hot wife to bed and make her howl like a monkey. No hotel required.”

“Hmm. That sounds like a fantastic idea to me,” Sarah says, her eyes sparkling. “I never would have guessed it, but hanging out laughing with you and the babies makes me horny as hell.”

I press myself into her and kiss her again. “I love you, Sarah.”

“I love you, too, Jonas.” She touches the tattoo on my bare chest—something she does quite frequently, actually. “
Todo mi mundo
.”

Chapter 40

Jonas

Fucking finally.

She finally said
yes
.

Thank you, God. I owe you one.

I’ve got Uncle William’s private jet waiting for us at the airport.

I’ve reserved a five-thousand-square-foot private villa for us in San Diego, atop the beachside cliffs in swanky Del Mar, at the top-rated luxury resort in all of California, complete with a private butler. And, of course, I’ve got Sarah’s bondage sheet and box of toys packed up and ready for action, along with a whole bunch of lingerie I bought for Sarah to wear tonight. We’ll be in San Diego for just two nights and I bought her ten night’s worth. I think I’m a bit excited.

Tonight’s the night.

Tonight’s the fucking night.

I love my girls—God knows I do—but tonight I’m gonna forget they were ever born. Tonight we’re gonna fuck like we don’t have a care in the world. Fuck yeah.

It’s been five months since the babies came home from the hospital. They’re seven months old... And, by God, that’s old enough to survive two fucking nights without Sarah personally putting them to bed. Rosario is a trusted member of our family by now, for Chrissakes—and Jack was born six weeks ago. (And, damn, that boy sure lives up to his epic name.) There are no more excuses. No more reasons to wait. Tonight’s the night. I’m gonna fuck my wife like she’s never been fucked before. I’m gonna scramble her brain and confuse her muscles and break her long-established habits.
And I’m gonna make her squirt like a fucking geyser, all by her little self.
And she’s gonna fucking love it.

The babies are taking their morning nap in the nursery. We said goodbye to them before putting them down.