The Cupid Effect (29 page)

God, this obsession with Angel had to stop. It'd gotten so bad I was actually seeing him everywhere. And I mean, everywhere. It was he who gave me the stupid bruise in the first place. Couldn't very well tell Jake, Ed, Craig or Gwen that, could I?

I'd thought I spotted him, David Boreanaz/Angel on the front of a magazine and double-took as I reached for the newsagent's door. Next thing I knew there was a blinding pain in my face and I was groping for support as I went flying backwards. Then, I was lying on the floor and it was raining greetings cards.

Just earlier, with Staring Man, I'd actually thought he looked like Angel. Except Staring Man had the most amazing eyes and I'd never seen David Boreanaz's eyes in real life. SM's eyes were a bronze colour. Shame he used them to glare at me. Shame, actually, he fancied Mel. But, at least now we'd made some sort of contact (pun not intended but very painfully true). And now he felt guilty about the door-face thing, it would hopefully be the end to those glares.

If SM didn't fancy Mel, though, he could have been my Angel replacement. The one I lusted after until Angel/David Boreanaz came up to me in the street, asked me for directions, looked deep into my dark eyes and realised there was no other woman on the earth for hi—

Oh my God, I need therapy
. I thumped my head on the table. I need to get a grip. And then keep that grip on reality. I was never going to have sex again if I carried on like this. And that
would
kill me.

chapter twenty-five

Confessions

‘I'm going to tell Kevin everything.'

Claudine was stood in my shared office doorway and she said this like she was asking if I fancied sneaking into her office for a crafty joint. There was a hint of the naughty, but total casualness about it. My pen hovered over the marking of a below par essay while I looked at her.

‘I'm going to tell him about me and Mel. That I slept with him and that we've snogged twice since. But it's all over.'

Are you mad?! He'll kill you, bury you and build a patio over the spot before the ‘we snogged twice' bit is out of your mouth.
‘That's, er . . .' I hazarded, didn't know what to say except ‘stupid' so stopped.

‘Do you want to come in?' I asked instead.

Claudine stepped into my office, shutting the door behind her. She sat on one of the armchair-type things by the door, placed her bag and pile of papers on the armchair-type seat next to the ceiling-high bookshelves.

‘I'm definitely going to tell him,' Claudine said, in a ‘don't try to talk me out of it' fashion. She clasped her hands in her lap, and leant forwards over her knees. I was surprised anew that Claudine didn't smoke; she was the type of woman I always expected to smoke. I watched her from my position across the desk; her agitated manner made me want to smoke.

‘I decided last night,' she paused, ‘and this morning, but that's not important. The important thing is, I'm going to tell him.'

Claudine's tone had the conviction of someone who, if they talked long enough, would convince you they were doing the right thing. They knew they'd never convince themselves, so they didn't even try.

‘I didn't realise it was over between you and Kevin,' I said neutrally.

Her eyes doubled in size. ‘It's not. Why would you say it was?'

‘Because you're going to confess to him. I just assumed . . . I suppose I shouldn't assume.'

‘Assume what?' Claudine said quickly.

‘Well, if you're willing to do something that's going to end your relationship, I assumed you'd reached the end of the road.'

Claudine gave me a wider-eyed demented look. ‘What I have reached is the end of my tether. I can't deal with it any more. I can't go home, look at Kevin, talk to Kevin, sleep beside Kevin . . . all the time, carrying this secret with me. It's driving me insane. And every time we have sex, I'm so wary that I'll say “Mel”, I can't relax. It's doing my head in. I can't bear it any longer.'

I nodded, as though in understanding but the last thing I was feeling was understanding. ‘What are you going to do when Kevin breaks down and starts sobbing his heart out?' I asked.

‘He won't cry,' Claudine said, aghast.

‘What will he do?'

Claudine shrugged. ‘I don't know. He'll get angry I suppose.'

‘You suppose? You mean, you're going to cause him all that pain and you haven't thought about how he'll react?'
What, are you some kind of sadist?

‘He'll be angry, of course, but when he calms down . . .'

‘Calms down? Claudine, he's not going to calm down. He'll probably not forgive you. Ever.
EVER.

‘The calming down and talking things through are for films and story books; the anger and shouting and smashing things and never wanting to see you again, that's reality. That's what you've got to accept will probably happen if you confess all.'

Claudine stared at me with her mouth and eyes agog. I'd never been stern with her before. I wasn't being stern now. Not really. I just wasn't condoning her decision, as she'd expected me to. Claudine's eyes watered up.

My tone had been a bit sharp, though. I shouldn't have gone from nice Ceri to cross Ceri in one go. It was bound to jar her. However, she was talking nonsense. I sighed internally, looked down at my desktop to get myself calm and make my voice nicer, less harsh. ‘Claudine, tell Kevin if you want, but don't forget he has a heart too. Don't break his just to make yours lighter.'

‘But our relationship is based on a lie,' she wailed. Next would come the wringing of the hands. Swiftly followed by gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes.

‘No it's not,' I reasoned. ‘Your relationship is based on all the things that brought you two together all those years ago. Your relationship is based on all the things you've done and worked towards together in the past however many years. Your relationship isn't based on a drunken shag that happened six months ago. It may very well influence and affect your relationship, but it's not the basis of it. If it
were
based on that shag . . . well, I don't know.'

‘What about Mel?'

Rat-a-tat-tat
. The office door opened before I had a chance to say ‘come in'. Mel stuck his head around the door. ‘Hi Ceri, I w—'

His face lit up and clouded over at once when he saw who was in the office with me. Claudine's face did exactly the same thing.

World War Three was about to kick off in my office.

‘I'll come back later when you're not so busy,' Mel said, focused on Claudine.

‘Are you following me?' Claudine snarled at my visitor. ‘On top of everything, are you following me too?'

‘You're off your head, you,' Mel said.

‘Look who's talking,' Claudine said.

‘What the hell is your problem?'

‘Everything to do with you.'

The volume of their voices was rising. I got up, went to the door, to shut it.

‘Listen babe, it was you who stuck your tongue down my throat last time.'

‘Yeah, and it was you who stuck his dick in m—'

Whoah! Not for sensitive ears. I shut the door on my way out. I paced the corridor for a while. Then I checked the clock at the far end of the wide corridor. Eight o'clock. The canteen was shut. I had nowhere to go, except, possibly the bar. Much as I enjoyed the odd drink or eleven, I couldn't face going in there alone; sitting alone. If it were a proper pub I wouldn't feel so worried, I'd have something to read too, but in college, students would see me all alone – I'd be one step away from being the lecturer with a tweed jacket and pipe, emanating pathetic aloneness.

I turned, started my slow walk back up the corridor. Maybe I
should
go to the bar. Get myself a pack of cigarettes. With Mel and Claudine, I was tempted to take up a life-threatening habit.

In fact, between those two, what Craig and Jess said, Ed disappearing to be with Robyn, Gwen, Jake wearing the aura of a man wronged, and Staring Man, I was quite tempted to take up heroin. Have an out of body experience that would remove me from this world I'd moved in to. London was crazy, Leeds was certifiably insane.

Time ticked on, I wore a groove into the corridor carpet, voices rose and fell from my office. But there were no smashing sounds or blood-curdling screams of anguish and death. I could-n't even go home because my bag, coat, iBook and the essays I needed to finish marking tonight were still in my office.

An hour later, I jumped back as the door was wrenched open and Claudine came stalking out, throwing: ‘If you fucking come near me again I'll kill you,' over her shoulder. She completely blanked me as she marched down the corridor, heading for the stairs to the next floor and her office.

Mel's head popped around the door. ‘SLUT!' he screamed after her.

Thankfully, no one else was around at that hour, so only I jumped at its suddenness and severity.

Claudine did the smoothest 180-degree turn I'd ever seen, came stalking back up the hallway, growing about a foot with each step. By the time she reached us, she was twenty foot tall.

Her face had narrowed into a knot of anger. So scary and hideous did she look at that moment that I leapt out of her path and flattened myself against the wall as she stormed past. I don't know if Mel saw it coming, but I felt it, heard it, winced at it when her fist connected with his face.

She didn't even stop, she spun on her heels in another smooth 180-degree turn and stalked away again.

‘That's going to be a right shiner,' I said to Mel, who was holding his cold beer bottle against his cheek.

He took the bottle away and nearly pulled a sarcastic smile, hindered by the pain in his face. ‘Thanks, Ceri, you're a great help. I always like it when people point out the bloody obvious.'

I tried not to laugh. ‘How long have you known Claudine, again?'

‘Nearly eleven years.'

‘And even though you know her so well, you didn't think calling her a slut would end up with her smacking you one?'

‘I wasn't thinking, that's the point. I wanted to hurt her; get the last word in.'

‘Well you did that. “Ow!” wasn't it?'

Mel glowered at me. I probably shouldn't be taking the piss. I'd no doubt added to Claudine's foul mood by vetoing her plans to unburden her conscience.

‘Why were you two rowing anyway? You were, are, mates,' I said, feeling a tad responsible. What I'd said had been in Kevin and Claudine's best interests. And Mel's. He would've been in for a sound beating if Claudine had blabbed. (Never understood what was sound about a beating. Surely it should be unsound? That was the whole point.)

Mel returned his bottle to his face, right after he rolled his eyes. ‘Who knows. I don't.'

‘So you spent an hour in my office listening to Claudine shouting, and said nothing?'

‘Yes.'

I planted my tongue in my cheek and raised an eyebrow at him.

‘Well, a little. No. She shouted, I shouted, we both shouted.'

‘Why?'

‘Ever since that weekend, you know the lost weekend, she's been off with me and, I suppose, I've been off with her.'

Don't ask why, don't ask why. Don't get any more involved. Not your problem. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
‘Why?'

‘You know Ceri, I'm really pissed off. I mean, it's all right for her, she's got someone, she can just bugger off for the weekend and be happy with him and I'm alone.' Mel slammed his bottle onto the table. ‘It's not fair. I care so much for her and I know she loves me. You don't make love to someone like she did if you don't love them. (At that moment I couldn't believe Mel was thirty. You don't make love to someone like she did if you don't love them, indeed. Where did he get that sort of idea from? Reading too many love stories, and watching too many Hollywood movies, I'll bet. I was more than a little partial to them, myself. But even I didn't believe what he'd just said.) So why is she still with him? Why?'

‘I don't know,' I sighed.
Except I do know, and you, buddy, don't want to hear it.

Mel sighed slightly, looked away across the bar. I looked him over again. The man who Jake and Ed used to try to set me up with. He was good-looking. Fresh-faced but experienced. Long lashes around hazel eyes, sexily-curly hair, distinguished but friendly features.

Mel caught me checking him out and his eyes held mine. Lust shivered through me. Things were bad – I was starting to have impure thoughts about Mel.

‘You're actually quite vaguely attractive, aren't you?' Mel said.

Talk about your damning with faint praise. ‘Thanks Mel, that's probably one of the most insulting things anyone's ever said to me.'

‘I didn't mean owt by it, I only just noticed. You're all right looking. And I had this sudden urge to kiss you. I was thinking about Claudine and I get that urge every time I think about her.'

I leapt on that like a woman who hadn't eaten in days offered a slice of hot buttered toast. It reminded me of what Craig had said about me subliminally advertising sex and inciting him to have sex with his ex-girlfriend. ‘Really? You think about Claudine and you want to kiss any woman around? So it's not just me?'

Mel thought about my question, even though I wasn't sure he understood it.

‘It has been happening a lot lately, I think about Claudine, I get the urge to kiss someone. But I can't say it happened before you arrived on the scene.' Mel sipped his beer, returned it to his face. ‘In fact, I can categorically say, a lot of things have changed since you got here. Things between me and Clau were fine until that day you asked us if we were going out together. Our friendship deteriorated right after that.'

Oh.

Mel saw my face fall. ‘It's all right. To be honest, I feel better now it's come to a head – smack in the face notwithstanding. Maybe now she'll realise what this is doing to us and leave that idiot.' Mel talked on, explaining why he was glad I'd ruined his life.