Read The Dark Days of Hamburger Halpin Online
Authors: Josh Berk
A wink! She
is
flirting with me. Unbelievable! Then the official questions start coming fast. What do I remember from that day? When was the last time I saw Patrick Chambers alive? Did I see anyone unusual hanging around our class? Melody and I don’t get to flirt anymore, although we do share a subtle eyebrow raise when Detective Hawley asks if I saw
or heard anything
, anything at all, that was unusual.
His final question comes with a little preamble about how they don’t suspect anyone from class and they don’t want us to
start getting suspicious of our classmates, but … who was my buddy, and can I account for his presence?
I sign to Melody that my buddy was Devon Smiley.
“Smiley?” she asks. “There is another Smiley?”
I nod and break into a totally over-the-top smile, crossing my eyes for effect.
She laughs blatantly at this and then offers a quick apology to Detective Hawley and Principal Kroener.
I don’t want to admit that I was separated from Devon, so I say, “We were together most of the time.”
“What time was this?” she asks.
The return question “What time do you get off work?” comes into my head, but I don’t say it. I try to remember what stuff happened and answer as best I can, feeling my blood run cold. I don’t exactly say that I was with Devon the whole time, but I don’t exactly say that I wasn’t either.
“Thank you,” she signs. “You’ve been very helpful.” Detective Hawley shakes my hand with his giant mitt. And then Kroener shakes my hand too for some reason. I have to leave. But I don’t want to, not just yet. I can’t let her go. I sign—not real sign language, just the sort of offhand sign language that everybody knows—to Detective Hawley that I would like him to tear a piece of paper out of his notebook and let me borrow his pen. He probably thinks I want to draw a map or something. I write my e-mail address down and fold the paper. I am so nervous that I fumble it and almost knock Melody over as I hand it to her on my way out. Smooth. I don’t look back to see her reaction and am glad I won’t know if anyone is laughing at me.
Ah, the weekend
. Sleeping in late, avoiding the world, catching up on rest denied me by the inhuman hours of high school. Eating a box or two of doughnuts. The deep-fried pleasures that Saturday morning is intended for. I am denied all of these delights when Mom flicks on the lights at 9:30 a.m. Is she insane?
“You have a friend to see you,” she says. I haven’t talked to my friends lately. Who would visit me out here? I look confused. Mom smiles a huge smile.
“Why are you so happy?” I ask. But then I realize she is not smiling out of glee but is improvising a sign.
I scramble around my messy room for some clothes, settling on a particularly attractive pair of tan sweatpants and a Philadelphia Phillies shirt practically free of stains. I come up the basement steps to see Devon Smiley looking thrilled about something, rocking back and forth on his toes in the foyer.
Mom says something like “I’ll let you two
(something something something)
carry on.” Thanks, Mom. So how is this going to work? Then he hands me a small, slick black object. A Crony. Why is Devon giving me his favorite gadget? Then he reaches into his pocket and takes out another. He gestures that I should open it. I do, and he immediately starts texting. A message pops up on my screen.
I remembered you had envied mine. Here you go, my good fellow!
I am truly stunned. Devon continues before I have a chance to answer.
They can go online too! We can do IM rather than texting all the time, which does get expensive. We don’t know who’s getting the bill for yours, but I have to pay for mine!
It feels really weird, standing there in the foyer with the early-morning sun warming the cool air. I am having a conversation with my public school friend. It feels really normal, and pretty darn good.
After a minute of figuring out how to maneuver my fat fingers around the tiny keys, I deftly log on to my IM account. Devon follows me into the kitchen and sits down. We have milk. I chow on fistfuls of cereal straight out of the box. We’re chatting!
HamburgerHalpin: u really didn’t have to get this for me
Smiley_Man3000: It’s my pleasure. Besides, it’ll help with our investigation. With all the inside info I get from my dad and your big brain, we can solve this Chambers thing!
HamburgerHalpin: what r we–the freakin’ hardy boys?
Smiley_Man3000: Yeah! I’ll be Frank. I think he was the one with dark hair.
HamburgerHalpin: good. u b frank. now which one was the fat one?
Smiley_Man3000: I don’t think either was fat. You stay pretty fit searching for hidden gold and climbing Skull Mountain and all that.
HamburgerHalpin: well which one was mad at everybody all the time?
Smiley_Man3000: The Hardys were always good-natured, optimistic, and charming lads.
HamburgerHalpin: i knew there was a reason i hated them
Smiley_Man3000: Oh, wait! I just remembered: they did have a husky friend named Chet! He was always eating Aunt Gertrude’s cooking.
HamburgerHalpin: u r a giant dork
Smiley_Man3000: What the hell was his last name … ? It’ll come 2 me. …
I notice that Devon Smiley is cursing more and using overly correct grammar less. I take pride in this. But the Hardy Boys? Who reads detective books from the thirties? I mean, besides me. He continues.
Smiley_Man3000: Got it. Chet Morton! He was, like, football-player fat, but still. It’s a pretty good code name. You can be Chet, and I’ll be Frank.
HamburgerHalpin: u didn’t actually remember that. u opened a search while we were talking. that thing must have a browser
I feel a slightly awkward pause pass between us.
HamburgerHalpin: see–i’m already a hell of a private dick
I look up to see Devon’s smiling face and crack a smile of my own. Then he turns serious.
Smiley_Man3000: It is really sad what happened to Pat.
HamburgerHalpin: yeah
Smiley_Man3000: Who do you think it was? Do you think it was someone who was mad about not getting invited to the party? A.J.? Do you want to help me find out?
HamburgerHalpin: why? u hated pat right? he flushed your suit
Smiley_Man3000: Smileys have been cops for three generations. Solving crimes is in my blood. Plus, I spent my childhood wearing out those Hardy Boys books from the library. I think I can take a crack at it!
HamburgerHalpin: aunt gertrude’s cookin’ better be good
Smiley_Man3000: So does that mean you are in?
HamburgerHalpin: let’s do this frank
Smiley_Man3000: Great! Maybe if we figure this out, I can tell my dad what we’ve uncovered, and then he can get his promotion back.
HamburgerHalpin: howz that?
Smiley_Man3000: He got bumped down when they decided to promote some idiot yes men. They have him cataloging evidence. And you should see the way the old guy left the evidence room! It’s a mess!
By the way, don’t ask where that Crony came from. It would’ve just sat in a box for years anyway.;)
HamburgerHalpin: hey thanks again for “lending” it 2 me
Smiley_Man3000: I got myself a gift too: an ancient pistol that probably was used in some crime in 1930. Pretty sure it still works! But, yeah, glad to be of service, my good man.
HamburgerHalpin: dude stop with the devon-speak. it gets stuck in my head! i called a hot chick “my lady” yesterday
Smiley_Man3000: What?!?
HamburgerHalpin: did u see that blonde in kroener’s office?
Smiley_Man3000: Yes. I assumed she was a newish detective? Or a student from the academy or something?
HamburgerHalpin: she was a sign language cop chick. she was there just for me
Smiley_Man3000: Lucky you.
HamburgerHalpin: i know right? and she was real flirty with me
Smiley_Man3000: No way!
I tell Devon all about Melody. I could keep chatting for hours. But then Devon reaches for his phone. He looks nervous again.
Smiley_Man3000: That was my dad. I didn’t realize what time it is. We’re going to go visit my grandfather. I’ll come back later if that’s OK.
HamburgerHalpin: ask him what other corny phrases might turn on a hot blonde
Smiley_Man3000: He lives in a retirement village on the other side of the mountain, so I don’t know if he’s into hot blondes, but maybe he could help you snare a sexy white-haired lady, which, if I remember correctly, is a type you love.
HamburgerHalpin: it is u who loves saggy boobs!!!
Smiley_Man3000: Hey, man, enjoy the Crony.
HamburgerHalpin: thnx again
Smiley_Man3000: Just don’t get addicted.
I am totally addicted to my Crony
. As soon as Devon comes back to my house, I gesture with it, hoping he will turn his on. Instead, he motions that I should hand him a pen and paper. He looks pale.
“I shouldn’t have mentioned the evidence box in our chat,” he writes. “I don’t want anyone to know where we got the Crony.” He is obviously nervous. His normally neat penmanship is very shaky. “Hawley would love to catch me and hold it against my dad.”
“That’s cool,” I write. “Let’s talk about other stuff. We’ll never mention that again. Just fire up the Crony.”
“Addict already?” he writes. I smile. “I really think it was someone who didn’t get a playing card who committed the crime,” he writes back.
“I guess our first question should be, Are we sure it was a crime?” I write. “Weren’t they saying he might’ve just fallen?”
“That’s what I wanted to tell you! My grandfather was talking about it. He used to be a cop too and has been kept in the loop. And my dad brings him case files.”
Devon’s penmanship has returned to its fine form. I am tired of writing, however. So I scribble: “I thought we were going to switch over to the Crony.”
“Go ahead.”
HamburgerHalpin: u were sayin’?
Smiley_Man3000: My grandfather’s been following the Chambers case. He’s constantly online.
HamburgerHalpin: he’s not into those conspiracies like thetruthisnot.com is he?
Smiley_Man3000: What’s that?
HamburgerHalpin: it’s a crazy conspiracy site. they post stuff like ideas about how karl rove blew up the world trade center
Smiley_Man3000: What’s their take on the Chambers case?!
HamburgerHalpin: they think pat was killed by a cia hit man to convince mr. c not to divulge any more information about the whole casino bribery thing. they believe this goes all the way to the president
Smiley_Man3000: So you like this site?
HamburgerHalpin: no they r nuts
Smiley_Man3000: How come you were on there, then?
HamburgerHalpin: oh it came up when i did a search for alternative news stories about the chambers case
Smiley_Man3000: Nice! I bet your computer skills will prove to be a crucial tool in our investigation. My dad and grandfather think that it really was a murder. The CSI types did some calculations on the angle that he landed, and they think he was pushed.
HamburgerHalpin: whoa. u r a crucial tool too
Smiley_Man3000: Plus, they found coal dust in his hair.
HamburgerHalpin: so?
Smiley_Man3000: My grandfather thinks that whoever pushed him whacked him on the head with a piece of coal–it would’ve knocked him out immediately. That’s why no one heard him scream or anything.
HamburgerHalpin: i have wondered why i didn’t hear anything
Smiley_Man3000: Funny! So, listen … Oh, wait, you can’t.
HamburgerHalpin:
not
funny
Smiley_Man3000: Sorry! Couldn’t resist. So, I told my dad and grandpa that everyone had access to coal: it was all over the place. But he said a buddy of his from the force told him they recovered the murder weapon. It had no fingerprints on it, which was weird, but they learned that it was bituminous, not anthracite.
HamburgerHalpin: and?
Smiley_Man3000: Well, remember those “future diamonds”?
HamburgerHalpin: yeah talk about lame
Smiley_Man3000: I put mine in my memory box.
HamburgerHalpin: you would
Smiley_Man3000: Those are actually real pieces of coal, but since Happy Memory is no longer active, they have to fly the souvenir coal in.
HamburgerHalpin: so?
Smiley_Man3000: The “future diamonds” were flown in from an active mine in western PA where they mine, get this, bituminous coal–just like what was found in Pat’s hair. So it had to
be someone who was on the tour who killed him!
HamburgerHalpin: that doesn’t help narrow it down too much
Smiley_Man3000: Probably it was someone from our class!
HamburgerHalpin: maybe it was the ghost of dummy halpin
Smiley_Man3000: Ha-ha.
HamburgerHalpin: u have any theories frank?
Smiley_Man3000: Well, Chet, if not a classmate, maybe it was our bus driver. He came on the tour too, didn’t he? He always makes me feel a little … unsettled.
HamburgerHalpin: who? jimmy porkrinds?
Oops! An unguarded moment. Devon looks up at me with an odd smile on his face.
Smiley_Man3000: Did you say, “Jimmy Porkrinds”?
HamburgerHalpin: no, you must’ve misread
Smiley_Man3000: It’s still on the screen.
HamburgerHalpin: it’s just my little nickname for him. you know no big whoop
Smiley_Man3000: And you say
I’m
weird.
HamburgerHalpin: u r weird
Smiley_Man3000: I guess so, but I rarely give nicknames to bus drivers based on snack foods.
HamburgerHalpin: rarely?
Smiley_Man3000: Well, once I did call my old bus driver Cupcake. But she was deliciously cute. Definitely wanted a taste of that frosting.
Smiley_Man3000 actually makes me laugh out loud.
HamburgerHalpin: you pervert. you love bus drivers. you have a total bus driver fetish
Smiley_Man3000: LOL. ROTFL.
HamburgerHalpin: LOL2BIFTLOLIS
Smiley_Man3000: What does that possibly mean, my good man?
HamburgerHalpin: laughing out loud too but I feel typing LOL is strange. i like making up acronyms
Smiley_Man3000: Fabulous. So, think we should check out this Jimmy Porkrinds? I can probably find his real name and address if I get my dad to tap into the school’s files.
HamburgerHalpin: i don’t know. u don’t really think
he could be involved do u? what would his motive be?
Smiley_Man3000: Only one way to find out. Tomorrow we check out J.P. the BD. (That’s “Jimmy Porkrinds the bus driver.”)
HamburgerHalpin: i got that
Smiley_Man3000: Good night, Chet!
HamburgerHalpin: u have got 2 stop that … frank