Read The Dark Lord's Handbook Online
Authors: Paul Dale
Tags: #fantasy humor, #fantasy humour, #fantasy parody, #dragon, #epic fantasy, #dark lord
“Ah, the pamphlets,” said Penbury, as Chidwick set a pile down on the table. “Anything interesting?”
“You might like to start with this one, sir,” said Chidwick.
Penbury picked up the indicated pamphlet. He read the front page and grunted. “It’s a knob joke, Chidwick. About the King of Phrenia admittedly, but still a knob joke.”
“The other side, sir,” said Chidwick.
Penbury flipped the pamphlet over. “A chicken with two heads?”
“Below that, sir,” said Chidwick. He cleared away a plate with eggy remains on it.
“Ah, I see. The fire.”
A warehouse had burned down, which in itself was not too unusual, but it had spread and about a quarter of Klopt had burned down. Not quite the collateral damage Penbury had imagined when he’d ordered the warehouses and the boxes of debt burned to the ground.
With Lady Deathwing spending her days off her trolley and waiting for her next dose of Headfucker, all that had remained was to deal with the financial mess that she had left behind. Foreclosure was not an option. To do so would have meant opening all the boxes and Penbury suspected that the fledgling financial system that he had overseen for the last decades would come crashing down. It had been Lady Deathwing’s plan after all, and it had been a good one. How better to defeat the richest man in the world than by reducing him to poverty?
No, it was better instead to take an accounting hit across the board and pretend it never happened. The world would never know. In fact, only himself and Birkenfeldt would ever know how close to the brink they had come. A good chunk of the aristocracy would also be more than happy to be told their loans were wiped clean and their estates safe. While the bankers would be outraged, Penbury was confident that it would only be a short term loss. Royalty could always be relied upon to be profligate.
Chidwick had finished his clear up and was hovering.
Penbury put a finger to his lips. Breakfast had been fair enough but he wanted something more. Something to pep things up a touch. “Coffee, Chidwick.”
“Are you sure, Sir?”
His personal private secretary’s worry was touching. He knew this soon after spriggle that coffee was not wise, but life would be dull if there wasn’t risk.
“Yes, Chidwick. Coffee. Strong. Black.”
Penbury read more pamphlets. After the fuss of Morden’s foray across the land, Count Vladovitch had concluded a successful summer campaign, returning the cities to their rightful rulers. He was being hailed as the greatest living commander whom any army would follow, to which he had apparently replied that an army marches on its stomach and any army would follow a good field kitchen.
As for Morden.
Penbury picked up the latest report from the Snort brothers. They were together again and with Morden’s army. They had agreed to postpone their retirement for now and follow in Morden’s retinue. Morden had left Deathcropolis with his orcs and headed east, across the Great Desert, the Great Plain, the Great Swamp and into the Great Mountains. It was there they had found Zoon’s fortress, or what remained of it, and had set about rebuilding it. From the spidery writing it was clear that Morden was quite the busy Dark Lord.
Chidwick returned with the coffee and poured his master a cup.
“Will that be all, sir?” said Chidwick.
The Snort brothers had served him well. He would have to bring them home. His pad was there at his side. He could write the order while he enjoyed his coffee.
“For now, Chidwick. For now.”
The End
About the author
Paul Dale lives in Bath, England. After the insanity of the late 90’s dot com boom, he has since replaced internet technology with writing. He took a Master’s Degree in Creative Writing at Bath Spa University to go with his Physics Degree from Bath University. His passion for writing is only matched by his love of film and cycling. He can be frequently found within fifty miles of Bath in the company of Bath CC and friends, enjoying the beautiful countryside.
Table of Contents
Chapter 8 First Lesson – Preparations
Chapter 11 Second Lesson – Heroes
Chapter 14 Third Lesson – Hard Work
Chapter 18 Weeding the Flowerbed
Chapter 20 Emancipation Prophecy
Chapter 21 Fourth Lesson – Monologue
Chapter 25 A Hero Gets His Army
Chapter 26 Fifth Lesson – Pillaging
Chapter 51 A Dark Lord Dies – Again
Table of Contents
Chapter 8 First Lesson – Preparations
Chapter 11 Second Lesson – Heroes
Chapter 14 Third Lesson – Hard Work
Chapter 18 Weeding the Flowerbed
Chapter 20 Emancipation Prophecy
Chapter 21 Fourth Lesson – Monologue
Chapter 25 A Hero Gets His Army
Chapter 26 Fifth Lesson – Pillaging