The Darker Side of Pleasure (2 page)

This was a new concept for her. She’d been inside her own head for so long, immersed in her grief, that she’d forgotten to look outside. To look at her husband.

When Cam had first suggested they try to find their way back to each other through sex, she’d balked. In fact, that was putting it lightly. She’d flat out refused, thought he was being selfish and ridiculous. But then he’d reminded her that sex was intimacy, and that bondage was the purest form of mutual trust. It took her a while to absorb that, but she eventually came to realize he had a valid point. And they needed to try something, anything, before the gap between them grew any wider. Tonight was to be a true test.

She drew the stockings up her legs, her hand brushing the honey-colored curls at the apex of her thighs. Blood rushed to the area so fast, she had to cup her mound with her hand and press there. Strange! Why was she so hypersensitive, when she’d been completely shut down for almost a year?

The loud rumbling of her husband’s prized Harley pulling into the driveway brought her head and her hand up fast. Cam!

She took one last, desperate look in the mirror, added a little lip gloss with a shaking hand. She was ready for him.

She thought she was. She shivered in fear and anticipation as his steps drew nearer. The door opened with a graceful swing, and there he was. Her husband. He looked so damn good standing there, she had to smile.

He smiled back. “Almost like the old Jillian. I love it when you smile like that. Like you mean it.”

“I do.” She dropped her head, suddenly shy.

He crossed the room, slid his hands around her waist, ran them up her sides, traced the curve of her breasts. “God, you’re beautiful.”

His words warmed her, but it was still hard for her to look at him. He tipped her chin up with his fingers. She thought he’d want to talk more, but he just leaned in and kissed her. That lush, kissable mouth of his covered hers, and when he parted his lips she could taste mint, and underneath it the faint sweetness of Scotch. So he’d been nervous, too. She suddenly wanted to cry. This was why she’d been avoiding him, why she hadn’t been able to sleep in the bed next to his big, warm body.

He pulled away and said simply, “Are you ready?”

Her stomach grabbed again, but she nodded. “Yes. But what are you…I mean, how is this all going to happen?”

“We talked about it, remember? If this is going to work, you have to trust me enough to turn yourself over to me. That’s what tonight is all about. We have to learn to trust each other again. Do you remember your safe words?”

“Yes. Yellow for slow down, red for stop.”

“Good.”

He stepped back and his eyes roamed over her. She knew she looked better than usual in this outfit, so she didn’t mind. And she could see his eyes glittering as he looked at her, his pupils widening with lust. He placed his hands on his hips, licked his lips. He gestured toward the bed with his chin.

“Sit down.”

She just looked at him for a moment. She wasn’t used to this simple, commanding tone from him. He didn’t sound mean, but it was clear she shouldn’t try to argue with him. A chill of pleasure ran up her spine.

“Now.”

Another command; this time his tone was low and demanding. Her sex exploded with heat. She sat.

Cam paced the room slowly, looking at her from all angles, before he said, “Get rid of the bra.”

She unhooked it immediately, her full breasts springing from the lacy confines. They felt plump and tender and wanted to be touched, something she hadn’t felt in a long time. The fact that she could have this sort of reaction to nothing more than a certain tone of voice was almost shocking. She was trying hard not to analyze it.

Cam walked up to her and touched her breasts with his fingertips, just lazily brushed them over the curved underside, traced them around the edge of the areolas. Her nipples sprang up, hard and ready. But he didn’t touch them.

When she looked up at his face he was smiling, just one corner of his mouth quirked up. Rakish, sexy.

He stepped back again and unbuttoned his shirt. She had always loved him without a shirt. He had one of those long, lean, cut torsos, with just the right amount of silky black hair in a line down the center of his well-defined abs. He was built like a pro basketball player: well over six feet tall, with broad shoulders and those lanky, beautifully defined muscles. His black work slacks hung low on his narrow hips and she could see that he was hard already, the outline of his large erection shadowed against the fine wool.

She squirmed on the edge of the bed, her lace thong growing damp.

“I’m going to ask you to do things for me tonight you’ve never done before. Are you ready to do that, Jillian?”

She swallowed, hard. Was she? Her natural mental response was to fight against the whole idea. She was normally someone who was strong, in control. But her body was rebelling already. Still, how could it be this simple? She knew that Cam’s angle had been that bondage was all about trust, that there had to be complete trust in order to make it work. He saw it as a way to get back to each other. It made a sort of weird sense, but she still had her doubts.

Cam repeated, “Are you ready?”

His voice seemed so different tonight; his whole persona was different. Confident. Commanding. But it was still Cam. She could do this. She would do it for him. For them. And, judging from the unexpected way her body was responding already, for herself.

“Yes. I’m ready.”

He turned then and moved to the tall dresser, pulled a CD from the top drawer and popped it into the CD player. She recognized the trancelike tones of Enigma immediately. She watched him as he lit a pair of tall pillar candles. The scent of amber wafted into the air, and the warm candlelight was soft and sultry, aided by the glow of sunset outside the windows.

He bent and opened a bottom drawer and took out a long coiled length of black rope. She hadn’t known it was in there, didn’t know where he’d found it. She didn’t really care right now. All she could think of was that he was going to use it on her. Nerves and pleasure washed through her in an exciting, confusing tide.

Cam came to stand before her while the music played, and he rested his hands on her shoulders. After a moment, he swept them up her neck in gentle strokes, then back down, over her arms to her wrists. Gently, he gathered them into one of his big hands and pulled her arms up over her head. She shivered again, feeling unsure, vulnerable.

“Cam?”

“It’s okay.”

His soft voice was reassuring, but he didn’t release her wrists. With his free hand he began to stroke her breasts again, and despite her hammering pulse her body responded to his touch. Her breasts filled, her nipples aching as he teased her skin with the lightest touch. When he finally brushed one hard nipple with his fingertip her whole body arched toward him.

“Patience, Jillian.” He sounded amused.

She moaned softly. He rewarded her by tweaking one nipple, rather hard, but she liked it. Somehow it was just what she needed. Her sex began to pound and she squeezed her legs together.

“Lie back on the bed,” Cam said.

“Why? What are you going to—”

“Shh. No questions. You’re mine tonight. Turn yourself over to me, Jillian.”

Yes.
She wanted this. And not just because she was following the plan. Now that they’d started she knew she was going to like it, even if it scared her a little. Or maybe the fear was part of what drew her?

She lay down on the bed.

When Cam came to stand over her with the ropes in his hands, her body gave a convulsive shudder. Of need. Of lust. She had never felt anything like it. Gazing up at his tall silhouette in the dim light, she suddenly knew she’d never wanted anything so much in her life. To give herself over. To let herself go. This was exactly what she needed. Yet at the same time, she struggled with the notion. How could this be what she needed? Wasn’t it proof of her own weakness?

Cam bent over her and kissed her gently on the lips, then took her lower lip between his strong, white teeth and bit down. It hurt a little.

“You’re mine, Jillian. Say it.”

The chill that ran through her was part lust, part awe. And she knew that after tonight, she would never be the same again.

“Yes, Cam. I’m yours.”

He smiled at her. “Very good. I want you to lie perfectly still now. I’m going to play with you a bit before I tie you up.”

Tie you up.
Oh, my. He really was going to tie her up. A thrill ran through her, bringing goose bumps to her skin once more, but this time they ran the entire length of her body.

But she didn’t have long to think about it. Cam’s hands were on her, stroking her stomach, running up her thighs. They seemed to be everywhere at once. She watched him, a look of intense concentration on his face. Finally his hands came back to her breasts, covering both of them, massaging, kneading. Her nipples were hard, hot nubs against his palms.

He looked up at her face, his gray eyes watching her as he took both nipples between his fingers and thumbs and began to roll them. Fire shot from her nipples straight to her already aching sex. She tried hard not to squirm. But when he pinched, hard, she shot up off the bed.

“No, Jillian.” He pressed her back down onto the mattress. “Lie still.”

She tried. She drew in a deep, shuddering breath, and then he began again, pulling at her nipples, twisting, pinching. They were so hard and engorged she thought they would burst. And her sex was full and throbbing. She wanted his hands there. But she knew she had to wait. To trust him.

Cam kept working her nipples, and she wondered for the first time in her life if it was possible to come just from that. She didn’t know how long it went on, an impossibly long period of time in which she was finally able to shut her brain down, to stop thinking, analyzing. Her nipples were sore, but she didn’t care. She bit down on her lip to keep from crying out, to keep from moving, but her thighs spread open of their own accord. God, she needed him to touch her there. To use his hands, his mouth. She didn’t care. But she didn’t want him to stop torturing her breasts.

Finally, he bent his head and flicked his hot, wet tongue at one rigid tip. She groaned. He moved his head and flicked at the other one. Then, using both hands, he pushed the full mounds of her breasts together and moved his head back and forth, his tongue a damp spike of heat as it flickered over her stiffened nipples. His hands felt so good on her, so firm on her flesh, and his tongue was driving her crazy. She almost begged him to take her into his mouth. And then, as if reading her mind, he did.

He drew one nipple in and sucked. He was almost too gentle. She could hardly stand it. She gathered and bunched the bedspread in her hands, trying to hold still, to keep from crying out, from begging him to suck harder. Her sex was absolutely drenched by now. Her whole body quivered.

And suddenly, he pulled back.

“Cam?” Her own voice sounded loud and breathless in her ears.

He straightened up, half turned away from her, and ran a hand through his dark hair.

“Cam, what is it?”

She heard his long, slow exhalation. Waited for him to turn back around, to talk to her. Her thighs clenched around the damp, swollen folds of flesh between them.

“Maybe we need to talk about this some more.”

“What?” A startled laugh escaped her lips. “Now? When I’m just beginning to…” She couldn’t finish the sentence, couldn’t say out loud that her body was responding in a way it hadn’t for months. Couldn’t tell him how desperately she craved his touch. Why couldn’t she say it?

When his eyes met hers she saw the confusion there, saw that his breath was coming in short, sharp pants.

“This is…already more intense than I expected.”

“Yes.” It was all she could manage to get out.

He came and sat on the bed next to her. His warm hand fell on her shoulder. “I need to know this is what you want. Not just with your body, but in your head. What is this making you think? Making you feel?”

How could she explain? “Like…like maybe I can let go, finally. But it’s a little scary at the same time. And physically, it’s…almost a shock. Do you know what I mean?”

He nodded, his gaze on hers. “It’s like you’re coming alive under my hands.” He reached out and stroked a finger across her hot cheek. “But when you shiver, I don’t know if it’s because you like it, or because I’m making you afraid.”

“Maybe a little of both.”

His eyes swept her face. They were filled with concern and burning lust at the same time. “Jillian. Honey. I don’t ever want to scare you.”

She shook her head, her hair sweeping across her cheek. “It’s not you that’s scaring me. It’s me.”

“I’m right here with you. Okay?”

“Yes.”

“This is for us. And if it doesn’t work, we’ll try something else. But I want to do this. And the more I touch you, the more I want this.”

“Yes. Me, too. Maybe that’s what scares me the most.”

Cam leaned in and brushed his lips over hers. Again came that hint of mint and liquor. His hand curled around the back of her head, firm, possessive, as he parted her lips with his hot, wet tongue. Her mouth opened beneath his, letting him in. Her tongue met his, curled and tasted. Her shoulders relaxed as the heat of his mouth flowed through her and came to rest somewhere deep in her belly.