The Darkest Joy (2 page)

A car behind me honks and my eyes dip again to the odometer. Twenty miles per hour.

I don’t accelerate.

Sweat breaks out on my upper lip as my hands begin to shake.

“Mom!” I scream

A gurgle that makes my stomach drop greets me as I hear the receiver bang against a hard surface.

It’s so loud it almost causes me to drop my phone.

The driver behind me lays on his horn, passing on the left, taking the icy road at forty miles per hour.

He flips me off as he does.

I hear the phone
clunk
against the wall. I see it in my mind’s eye like a movie, unwinding at the end of its long cord, spinning . . . hitting the wall with a hollow slap of plastic. . . .

Then nothing.

A piercing scream fills the receiver and I gasp, a sob erupting from my mouth. I know that scream.

Joey!

I put on the brakes in the middle of the highway, my ear pressed to the cell, as my hand leaves the steering wheel and covers my mouth.

Cars pile up behind me, some drivers leaning on their horns.

I hear the phone stop banging, then something dragging.

Like a body.

This isn’t real
, my mind numbly says.

Thunk
.

Someone taps on my window as I begin to lose circulation in my ear.

Breathing
. That’s what I hear now. Every sense I have goes off-line except for my ear against that cell.

It’s all I hear.

Someone is breathing into the receiver
.

Then they slowly hang it up in its cradle.

Click
.

My cell phone silences.

It drops to the floorboards of my car, sliding underneath the gas pedal.

Someone opens the door.

It’s the police officer who was directing traffic.

It can’t be, that was hours ago
, I think.

“Miss . . . ?” He looks at me and I stare back.

I can’t think. Feel . . . move.

Mom was just asking me when I was coming home
.

I’m sure she’s fine. Something just fell
.

She’s not dead. Nobody’s dead
.

My body begins a fine quaking that I’m helpless to quell.

Aunt Milli is there . . . being the old-relative cheek pincher she is
.

Everything’s fine. Everything’s . . . definitely not fine
.

Just breathe. Breathe
.

“Miss, I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your car.” A flashlight moves over my face and I don’t blink, his voice sounding like it’s underwater.

I don’t move, I can’t move. Because all I hear is breathing.

It’s so loud it drowns out my thoughts.

The cop moves toward me and I pitch forward face-first.

Darkness greets me where consciousness had been.

Sometimes that is the mind’s only way to protect itself.

He’s hunkered down in front of me. My mind is searching, searching . . . Oh yeah,
Decatur Clearwater
.

FBI. That’s right. The memory sluggishly plugs into place in the slow-moving river of my mind.

The debris of my grief makes it crawl.

Marshal Clearwater gives me a sad smile of sympathy, his eyes flicking to the sheen in mine. “I know this is difficult, Miss Starr . . .” he begins slowly, spreading his hands out to his sides as he balances on his heels.

My gaze shifts to his, traveling from orbs so dark they almost blend with the pupils, to a fresh-looking scar that stands at ugly attention at his throat. It’s bright pink, angry.

Somebody did that to him.

Suddenly the violence of that wound reminds me of my family and I swallow hard past the lump in my throat.

I’m not going to lose it
yet again
, I tell myself.

I bite my lip until I taste the metallic flavor of my own blood. Then take a deep breath.

I nod, my hands clutching the Christmas gift that Aunt Milli had brought me. I close my eyes, the vision of her frail broken body softer than the reality.

The Feds had told me just enough to fill in the visual gaps.

Clearwater stands and presses his card into my hand. “If you need anything, I’m here.”

I think people just say those things. They know that people for the most part inherently do not want to impose on others. Especially families like mine: upper-class white—prestigious.
No, we white-bread snobs don’t inconvenience others with our dirty laundry.

I look again at Clearwater, whose dark skin signals his mixed ethnicity. He returns my stare with level, honest eyes. He doesn’t see me as a white rich girl, with that critical gaze fueled by the common assumption that I’m privileged, spoiled. Marshal Clearwater is color blind. Don’t ask me how I can tell, but I just can.

He turns to his partner, a tall, tattooed Fed with cool eyes and an indifferent disposition. Tough. He wears a suit, they all do . . . but it doesn’t cover his neck. Ebony ribbons of ink circle his thick throat and I swallow.

A small hand squeezes my shoulder.

Lacey
. I cover her hand with my own.

“It’ll be okay,” she says in a whisper. The empty sentiment runs off my consciousness like water off a duck’s back. Lacey is the last bit of glue from the remnants of a childhood now gone. The one thread in the fabric of my past that’s been there since the beginning. I can’t think of a time in my life when she wasn’t a part of it. Her eyes tell me it’ll be okay.

But nothing will be okay. Ever.

I try to keep my focus narrow but it widens as I sit there. The Feds pick up small plates filled with appetizers provided by our upscale neighborhood in Magnolia.

A house isn’t a home without your family.

I clutch the gift tighter.

Our neighbors use the china Mom kept locked behind glass cabinet doors. I take a deep, shuddering breath as I see the slim, delicate plates being passed. Cups of real espresso are next, the creamy porcelain moving in a parade of hands.

Suddenly, the background of murmured condolences, china and glass clanking . . . my home full of strangers, is too much.

I stand. All I see is black. I can’t see the colors of my family for the sea of black-clad mourners who fill every corner of my house.

I choke on my grief.

Marshal Clearwater sees me, his eyes meet mine.

No one else does.

His face grows alarmed as he sets his dish on the edge of the coffee table. Black eyes grow larger as he draws nearer, weaving through the bodies in black. My breath comes hard and fast.

“Hey,” he says as he moves between the last people blocking his way to me.

I can’t breathe; something heavy is on my chest.

“What’s wrong with her?” I hear Lacey ask in a tight voice, her concerned hazel eyes above mine.

I’m on the ground now, a tight wheeze the only breath that comes through.

People crowd.

“Step back,” Clearwater says in a voice like a bell.

“Deca—” the big Fed begins.

“Hyperventilating,” Clearwater says in terse reply.

My eyes roll to that package from Aunt Milli. It tumbles from my fingers. My panic rises in my eyes, tightening my chest further.

“I’m here, Brooke,” Marshal Clearwater says, those dark eyes never leaving mine. “Breathe slowly . . .”

He sees me glance at the package.

Clearwater picks it up and sets it in my hand. Tears squeeze
out of my eyes, running down each side of my face, pooling in my ears.

“Jesus . . . Brooke,” Lacey says, dabbing at the tears, her own mingling with mine as she gives Clearwater a dark look, like
he’s
the enemy, not my grief. Always ready to champion me, defend me against all comers.

I stare into Marshal Clearwater’s eyes. Thanking him without speaking.

The corners of the Fed’s eyes crinkle as he looks into mine. “You’re welcome.”

My hand holds the small package tighter as my breath comes in a sudden whoosh.

“There you go,” Clearwater says as eyes stare at me as I lay on the floor of our living room, needles from the Christmas tree making it smell like pine.

I take another breath . . . Another. They hurt.

He holds out his hands and I take one, Lacey takes the other.

They pull me up. I turn and scoop up the package again.

I steady myself, slightly dizzy. Feeling like the lamest of fools. “I need some air,” I say, head down.

Clearwater nods. His partner’s root-beer brown eyes follow me out to the patio that overlooks Puget Sound. I let the smell of the sea overwhelm me as I lean against the railing, Lacey at my back.

“Brooke . . .” she begins and I hold up my palm. She continues anyway. “They mean well.” Lacey looks at me as she always does: determined to fix my problems, or just determined.

I nod.
I know
.

I look over the water. How everything around me appears so normal. People walking in the chilled rain. Leaves lingering in trees too stubborn to release them.

The waves churning in angry abandon.

None of it cares that time doesn’t move forward for those who grieve.

My chin dips to my chest and I sit down on the patio furniture, the temperature too cold for my light outfit of a simple black wrap dress, heels, and thin nylons. It’s what I can manage.

All I can manage. Oh yeah, I brushed my teeth. I give a little hiccupy laugh.

Slowly, Lacey lowers herself opposite me. I look at her, round eyes meet mine, dark blond hair frames a face I’ve known since infancy, through dolls, makeup, boyfriends and now—death. “You don’t have to do this, y’know.”

I nod. I know.

“The police have handed it over to the Feds . . . and they don’t have any questions for me. I’ve been cleared,” I say and laugh. “So . . . it’s time.” Time to escape the inescapable; my guilt will get packed along with the rest of my emotional baggage. I take it wherever I go.

It sounds kinda like a sob.

Lacey reaches out and takes my hand.

“I’ll miss you.” Her eyes search mine. “And for what it’s worth, I think it’s too soon. And, Brookie . . .”

Her use of my nickname makes a fat tear brim and roll from my swollen eyes.

“Your music,” she whispers.

“Fuck my music. I don’t ever want to see another piano again,” I say with conviction birthed from pain. My voice comes out like a raw wound and Lacey flinches.

I inhale deeply, the cold salt in the air soothing my lungs, invigorating me.

“A fresh start, Lacey. It’s what I need. No more music, no more . . . expectations.” I fling my hand around at the house.

“You don’t have to sell this place,” Lacey says in a low voice.

“Why would I keep it?” I ask with heavy sarcasm. “What do I have to come home to?” I hiss, embracing my anger.

Stages of grief, y’know. Of course, the experts don’t say how long each stage is, do they?

I think the anger stage will be awhile.

“And school?” Lacey cocks a brow and I cringe inside a little. Even though everyone at the university understands, the tragedy of my family’s death has sensationalized the small community of pianists. I am no longer a fellow pianist but tabloid fodder . . . the poor little girl forever marked by a brutal tragedy. Once a top contender for Juilliard, my hard-earned respect is now overshadowed by the infamous killings that seem to define me now.

Juilliard could suck it, there would be another . . . golden girl. Or guy. I fold my arms and Lacey knows when she’s lost. Juilliard can’t have me now . . . because—I can’t have them. Music and the memories of my family are inexplicably linked. It’s what I deserve, anyway. Why did I get to live when none of them did? I should have been here. Should have been with them.

“Okay,” she says in a quiet voice. “But you promise me . . . Promise me that you’ll come back.”

Tears of anger masking my sadness run down my face. “I can’t, Lace. I can’t.” How can I play piano when they can’t listen? How can I live here again when every space I breathe in has their absence in it? There would never be enough oxygen for me.

“Miss Starr,” Marshal Clearwater interrupts us.

I clear my throat, swiping at my wet face, which heats with embarrassment. “Yes,” I say.

He pauses, those dark eyes probing my own. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

I nod, expecting more . . . then he says the first positive thing I’ve heard, surprising me. “And good luck in Alaska.”

My hands tighten around the small box from Aunt Milli and I give the first smile of this miserable day of memorial for my murdered family.

“Thank you,” I say, the damp sea breeze lifting the hair at my neck.

He stares at me a moment longer, looking as if he wants to say more. Then he walks away.

Like everyone else.

My hands slide into that box and wrap around the present inside.

My flesh heats the solid brass key.

I hang on to it like the anchor of comfort it is.

It’s hold on or sink.

I
cover my nose then cough. A plume of dust rises and I drop my hand.