The Dastard (18 page)

“I am your daughter Green Murphy,” Green said. “And these are your daughters: Melody, Harmony, and Rhythm.”

“Wow! I'll have to get on To and meet them.”

“They want to see you as a child, because they never knew you then.”

“They do? Well, here I am.” Ivy stuck out her tongue and made a bronze cheer. This wasn't as great as a copper or sliver cheer, but it was naughty enough.

Melody and Rhythm laughed, and Harmony choked slightly on her harmonica. Ivy was like them, all right!

“Do you want to see more of me?” Ivy asked. She set the baby down and turned around. “Here's my friend Seachel. He can clone anything.”

Seachel nodded. He was a tousled lad about Ivy's age. He waved his hands.

Ivy became two Ivies, and then three, and four. Soon the picture was filled with little Ivies, all making cheers: bronze, brass, or worse. But they couldn't hold their positions; in a moment they all fell over laughing. There got to be a pile of naughty little princesses buried in mirth.

Then Xander started back. Ivy obligingly carried him until he could walk competently; then, about age three, he waved 'bye to her and proceeded on his own. They decided to watch for a while, as this distant past was fascinating even in its ordinary details. But he got lost when crossing the comic strip, and wound up on a different world. It was shrouded by fog, and looked jungle-hot. Melody and the others watched, unable to help; he had to find his own way back. “Where am I?” he asked the first creature he spied.

“You're in the Xanth enclave of Planet Venus,” she replied. She was a lovely tentacular monster shrouded in delicate parts by clouds. “Kiss me.” She reached for him with three and a half tentacles.

“Thank you,” he said, and stepped back into the comic strip. There was the usual clog of awful puns. Then he stepped out on a burningly hot surface. Fortunately his zombie feet were relatively insensitive.

He approached the nearest creature, which was a giant firedog. “Where am I?” he asked.

“You're in the Xanth enclave of Planet Mercury,” the dog growled. “You look good enough to eat.” It opened its formidable mouth.

Xander hastily scrambled back into the comic strip, where he was mercilessly buffeted by more horrid puns. Melody almost couldn't watch. Then he rolled out on a rather barren, dry region. The air was thin, and it was very cold.

“That looks like Mars,” Sim peeped. “Mother has been there.”

The fourth time Xander emerged from the strip, it seemed to be a normal Ptero region. But he was suddenly old instead of young.

“Oh, he must have somehow blundered into a downtime zone,” Green said. “Those awful puns must have gotten him completely confused. That's a danger, when you get caught in too many of them.”

Several birds appeared in the sky. No, they weren't birds, they were winged centaurs. They spied the confused man and circled down for a landing. They were four lovely fillies.

“Where am I?” Xander asked.

“You're in the Downtime Centaur section,” one replied. “Shall we exchange introductions?”

“I'm Xander Zombie, son of Xavier and Zora. I'm afraid I'm lost.”

“We are Cheline, Chen, Cherin, and Chel, foals of Che and Cynthia Centaur,” the first one replied. “We'll help you find your way home, if you will tell us your interesting story.”

Thus the exchange of services was made, and he talked while the winged centaurs carried the zombie back toward the time and place he had started from. He told them all about his adventures in the recent past, which they found fascinating. They turned out to be age nineteen, but were a decade downtime from him, so as they traveled east they grew younger. When each passed twelve her large bare breasts faded out and her body became spare. They also lacked sufficient power of flight to carry him, so descended to the ground and carried him there. Fortunately they were able to hurdle a thin part of the comic strip that separated the Centaur section from the zombie section. When they cantered up to his house they ranged from age nine for Cheline down to age six for Chel.

Which was the right range for pickled cookies. Zelda went out with a plate of them. Overall it was a fine visit. But the three princesses were ready to rest. Ptero was a most intriguing place to visit, but Melody wasn't sure she would care to live there.

So they sang and played an elaborate tent into existence, big enough for them, the zombies, and the centaurs, and they all had a fine time resting in style.

Melody felt physically comfortable and emotionally uncomfortable, for the same reason: Her scant blouse and skirt set her body largely free to jiggle and bounce as it wished, and it was warmed by every ray of sunlight and cooled by every playful gust of wind. She was afraid that if any man saw her in this state, she would blush in places that shouldn't even be visible. “I can't even take a long step without my panties showing," she complained.

“Then maybe we had better abolish the panties,” Harmony said.

Melody took a breath to make a horrified protest, but Rhythm spoke first. “No, we need them to freak out the Dastard. Her bare bottom wouldn't do a thing for him.”

“So says the ludicrous Adult Conspiracy,” Sim squawked cheerfully. He, of course, was immune to the panty effect, being unrelated to any human breed or crossbreed. He found the whole Conspiracy amusing, having long since learned what it was all about.

“We had better go get this job done,” Melody said. The plan was to freak out the Dastard with her panties, so that the soul could catch him, and make him halfway decent. With luck they could do it within the hour and return to Ptero, where things were normal.

“First we have to find him,” Harmony said.

“So we'll locate him in the Magic Tapestry,” Rhythm concluded.

They started back toward Castle Roogna. “Aren't you forgetting something?” Sim squawked.

They circled a blank glance. “Are we?” Melody asked.

“You can't show yourselves in familiar haunts, lest someone recognize you.”

“Oopsy,” Harmony said.

“So we'll turn invisible again,” Rhythm finished.

They sang, played, and drumbeat themselves as invisible as Sim was. Then he carried them to the roof of the castle, and they left him there and went quietly down into the upper hall.

There were three wild little princesses dashing madly along, playing Faun & Nymph without the benefit of any fauns. They simply liked running and screaming.

“Were we like that?” Melody whispered rhetorically.

“We must have been,” Harmony agreed.

“We still are, when we get young on Ptero,” Rhythm said.

Princess Ivy appeared, properly appalled. “Girls! At least put on some clothing!”

“Awwww,” they protested in unison, and went into their room.

“No one will ever know we're gone,” Melody said, satisfied.

“The demon kids are doing a good job,” Harmony agreed.

“And so is D. Metria,” Rhythm said.

Ivy looked around, smiling. “I hope there aren't any unfamiliar ghosts in here,” she said loudly to the supposedly empty hall. “We wouldn't want our regular ghosts to get jealous.”

Melody realized that they needed to be silent as well as invisible, lest they arouse suspicion. They shut up and went to the Tapestry room. Fortunately it was empty.

They directed their thoughts to the Dastard, and in a moment a picture formed of lutans riding horses hard at night, just across the border in Mundania. The poor animals were getting worn out, but the beastly lutans had no mercy.

“That's not it,” Melody complained. “We're looking for the Dastard.”

The scene changed. Now it showed northwest Xanth, just inside the border with Mundania. Animals were crossing, traveling from Mundania into Xanth. They were weird: cats, cows, frogs, and other mundanish beasts, in great numbers.

“Why, it's an Animal Wave,” Harmony said, amazed. “Like a Human Wave, only comprised of animals.”

“But we never heard of such a Wave,” Rhythm protested.

Then a nondescript man appeared in the picture. He saw the animals, and disappeared. But the picture changed, following him as he reappeared at the border just as the first animal was finding a path into Xanth. He dragged a big pile of wickedly barbed thorn-brush there, blocking it off so that the animal couldn't pass.

“That's the Dastard!” Melody exclaimed. “He saw the animals getting into Xanth, so he went back to earlier in time and stopped them.”

“Is he trying to protect Xanth?” Harmony asked, perplexed.

“We don't need protection from animals,” Rhythm pointed out. “Their offspring will have magic soon enough.”

An invisible light bulb flashed over Melody's invisible head. “He did it to mess up the animals! They were happy discovering Xanth, so he stopped them.”

“What a dastardly deed,” Harmony said, outraged.

“Precisely,” Rhythm agreed. “That's what he does. That's why we have to stop him.”

“But what was that prior picture, of the lutans riding the Mundane horses?” Melody asked.

“Maybe it related, and we didn't realize it,” Harmony said.

They turned the Tapestry back to that scene, and discovered that this time the Dastard had made a hole in the interface that let the lutans out so that they could bring misery to Mundane horses. This wasn't to help the lutans, for they became gnarled and unhappy without the magic of Xanth, but to torment the horses. Another dastardy deed.

“We oriented the Tapestry on the Dastard,” Rhythm said. “But we didn't tell it when. We should have specified the present time.”

The Tapestry evidently heard, for the picture changed again. Now it showed the Dastard with a centaur filly. The filly was leading the way into a bower at the edge of the Dead Forest. Then suddenly she became a moderately pretty adult woman.

“What happened?” Melody asked.

“She must be a were-centaur,” Harmony said. “She changes from woman to centaur.”

“What would the Dastard want with a were-centaur?” Rhythm asked.

Then suddenly they saw. The woman was showing her polka-dot panties. The Dastard freaked out, but then she removed them and he returned to animation. Then--

“They're summoning the stork!” Melody said.

But just before they could do so, the woman disappeared and a tree trunk appeared in her place. The three princesses were floored. They fell in a tangle of invisible bodies.

Harmony was first to pick herself up from the floor. “She has another form! She's a shape changer.”

“She must be teasing the Dastard,” Rhythm said, returning to her feet. “Though she certainly had seemed willing a moment ago.”

The tree trunk vanished and an ogress appeared. She remained in place, and so did the Dastard, just waiting. “What are they up to?” Melody asked.

Then the woman reappeared. She immediately clasped the Dastard.

“The changes are involuntary!” Harmony cried. “So they had to wait until she turned girl again.”

“What a complicated tryst,” Rhythm said, impressed.

Then something even stranger happened. The trees of the Dead Forest started to animate. Their bare twigs expanded, forming buds, and the buds sprouted leaves.

“It's coming to life!” Melody said, amazed. “The Dead Forest is no more.”

“But it's a landmark,” Harmony said. “It's been dead for decades.”

“Which makes its transformation a dastardly deed,” Rhythm concluded.

But Melody wasn't so sure. “Couldn't it be that the bad deed was the curse that killed the forest? Living trees must be better than dead ones.”

“I'm sure he didn't do it to be nice,” Harmony said.

“So maybe he didn't do it at all,” Rhythm concluded. “It happened while he was distracted by the were-female.”

That seemed to make sense. “He was coming to stop the revival,” Melody said. “But the were-female distracted him with her panties, and the forest recovered.”

“But why did it recover?” Harmony asked. “After all this time?”

“We'll just have to see,” Rhythm said.

They had the Tapestry orient on the center of the Dead (now living) Forest. There was an enormous beating heart, and there stood a girl with an empty flask. They played the scene back and verified that the girl had emptied the flask on the Heart of the forest, and brought it to life. The flask must have contained healing Elixir, though there seemed to be too little of it to manage a job such as this.

They tracked it back farther, and discovered something astonishing: The werewoman had found the Spring of Life, and filled the flask with its Elixir. Then she had met the Dastard and the girl--and given the flask to the girl just before going into the bower with the Dastard.

“The Dastard knew about it--and didn't stop it,” Melody said. “There must be some decency in him after all.”

“Unless he goes back now and unhappens it,” Harmony said.

“Maybe having told the were-woman he wouldn't, so she would show him her panties,” Rhythm finished.

They decided to get on to the Dead Forest and intercept the Dastard before he could do that. They left the room and the hall and the castle quietly, and found Sim, who was waiting patiently and invisibly on the roof.

“To the Dead Forest,” Melody said. “Only it has changed.”

“How can it have changed?” Sim squawked as he took off, carrying them.

“You'll see,” Harmony said.

Very soon they were there. The trees below were vibrant in their new foliage. Sim circled, confused. “I don't see the Dead Forest,” he squawked.

“Yes you do,” Rhythm said. “Isn't it beautiful?”

“But this forest is alive.” Then he caught on, for he was the smartest of birds. “It has been restored!”

“And we are here in part to see that it stays restored,” Melody said.

“To take out the Dastard before he unhappens it,” Harmony agreed.

“Because we think he let it happen just so he could get at some panties,” Rhythm concluded.

Now they saw the great Heart of the forest, powerfully beating. Sim circled down while they filled in the details they had discovered.

There was barely room in the clearing for Sim to land without touching the Heart, but he managed by spiraling carefully down. The Heart was even more impressive at close range, as it thumped steadily, majestically serving the forest. But the girl they had seen with the flask was gone; they must have just missed her.

“We'll look for the Dastard on the ground,” Melody said.

“While you fly up and check from the air,” Harmony said.

“We'll meet outside,” Rhythm finished.

Sim nodded, taxied forward, then spread his giant invisible wings and launched into the air. They felt the down-draft of his wingbeat. Then they started walking.

“That girl must be going to rejoin the Dastard,” Melody said.

“So all we have to do is follow her,” Harmony agreed.

“Let's make her footprints glow,” Rhythm suggested.

They sang and played, and the girl's footprints glowed, making them easy to follow. The three invisible princesses did not hurry, as they did not want to catch up until after the girl rejoined the Dastard.

Then they saw two young men walking the other way. “Maybe they've seen the Dastard,” Melody said.

“We had better talk to them,” Harmony agreed.

“So we'll have to turn visible,” Rhythm said.

“Maybe better if just one of us does,” Melody said.

“You,” Harmony agreed.

“Now,” Rhythm agreed.

So Melody turned visible and approached the two young men. They spied her and came close to freaking out.

Oh, no! She had forgotten how she was garbed, with a bulging low blouse and skirt so short that it was dangerous to turn her back. She hastily shored up the blouse and shored down the skirt.

The men recovered somewhat. “Hello, fair maiden,” one called.

“Hello, halfway handsome man,” she replied. “I am Mel, with a talent of--of maybe appearing prettier than I am.” She didn't like lying, but she couldn't tell the truth.

“I am Geo,” he said. “This is my brother Graphy. We are twins who know where every place is.”

“But we've never seen this forest before,” Graphy said. “So we're investigating.”

“I believe I can help you there,” Melody said. “This is the Dead Forest. Its Heart evidently started beating again, and restored it to vitality.”

“The Dead Forest!” Geo said, amazed. “This is where it is supposed to be.”

“But it was so different, we couldn't believe it,” Graphy said.

“I found it hard to believe too,” Melody said. “But I just saw the beating Heart.”

“We must verify that,” Geo said. “No offense intended; we simply have to see everything for ourselves.”

“I understand,” Melody said. “I won't stand in your way.”

“Oh, we would like to have you stand in our way,” Graphy said. “Are you by any chance looking for company?”

“Not at the moment,” Melody said. “Did you see a girl walking the same way I am?”

“Nobody could walk the way you do,” Geo said, trying to draw his eyes from her blouse.

“Nobody,” Graphy agreed, trying to pull his eyes from her skirt.

Oh. “I mean, the same direction.”

“Yes,” Geo said. “Her name is Becka, and she's fourteen. She seems like a nice girl, but a bit young.”

“Maybe I'll catch up with her,” Melody said. She walked on.

“Maybe we'll meet again, when the moment is better,” Graphy said as they walked on.

“Maybe,” Melody agreed noncommittally. She of course could not make any commitments here in Xanth, because she would soon be returning to Ptero.

“Too bad,” Harmony said invisibly when they were clear.

“They're cute boys,” Rhythm said.

“But only two of them,” Melody reminded them. “And three of us.”

“Still, we might look them up, back on Ptero,” Harmony said.

“Two dates are better than none,” Rhythm agreed.

Melody was about to say something else, when something weird happened, rapidly becoming unpleasant. Something was taking over her body! She tried to fight it, but the thing was horribly proficient and powerful. She tried to cry out, but the alien spirit stopped her mouth.

What was this? she wondered, trying to throw the thing off.

I am the Sea Hag, my pet, and now you are mine.

Melody quailed. The horrible Sea Hag was supposed to be locked away in the Brain Coral's pool.

Times change, my precious. Now give me all your memory, or I will hurt you. The awful mind crawled into her mind like a loathsome disease.

Melody fought to defend her mind, resisting with all her might. Then terrible pain flared, bringing her to her knees.

“Melody!” Harmony cried. “You fell.”

“What's the matter?” Rhythm asked, concerned.