Dinner was a dining experience and a half. We had gotten supplies from Nova’s old camp, but they had mainly consisted of weapons and clothing. Mikey had brought food—mainly ketchup which was weird, but I liked ketchup so I wasn’t complaining too much. Especially since whoever those men had been, they had been traveling with a truck full of bottled water and what we decided was either human skin or beef jerky. Mikey finally drew the short straw and sampled it, deciding it was jerky, and we got to making a meal with it. Jerky and ketchup was my new favorite food, I decided. It was chewy and meaty and ketchupy goodness in my mouth, and I ate it until my stomach hurt. And then I ate some more.
The air was fresh and clean by the lake, a slow, cold breeze drifting over the calm waters. But I didn’t mind the cold for once; in fact, it was a welcome respite in some ways. My cold had almost all dissipated, leaving behind only a small sniffle and a dry throat. The early evening was both peaceful and reflective as we thought quietly to ourselves while munching on our food, and for once there were no deaders around to ruin things.
“More?” Mikey asked, holding out more jerky.
I shook my head. “No, I’m so full I feel sick.” I smiled, deciding that being full was a good thing to feel sick over, and obviously way better than feeling sick over the stench or sight of rotten bodies.
“This was hella good, but man, what I’d do for a backyard barbeque burger and a beer,” Nova sighed wistfully. She glanced sideways at me, waiting for me to give her shit for bringing up things she missed again, but I didn’t.
For the first time in years, I mourned the loss of the things I both loved and missed. It was my turn to sigh now, a deep, heartfelt sigh for all those selfish little things I used to take for granted.
“French fries.” I looked over at Nova and she grinned. “I miss them so freaking much. I would possibly kill for them, or at least trade in a kidney or something for one more mouthful of that greasy, salty goodness.” I blushed for some inexplicable reason.
“Laundry detergent,” Mikey said after clearing his throat. He too, looked embarrassed by his small revelation when I quirked an eyebrow at him and Nova chuckled. He shrugged. “I like clean clothes.” He shrugged again and looked away. “And I like to smell nice.”
Nova snorted. “That ain’t happening anytime soon.”
“I know,” he grumbled, picking at his clothes. As if to further emphasize his misery, he lifted up his arm and took a deep sniff of his armpit and then made a weird gagging sound in the back of his throat.
“Don’t worry, we all stink,” I said, and patted his knee obnoxiously while I laughed. But while I laughed about it, I was actually being truthful. His smell had gone from sexy, musky, and masculine, to dirty feet and something rotten.
“I honest to God miss laundry detergent, though, and the way my clothes always smelled so good after washing them. And fabric softener!” he groaned and looked off into the distance. “I’m so sick of my clothes feeling like cardboard and smelling like sewers. I guess it’s kinda ridiculous that I care about this shit, but it can’t all be killing and death.” Mikey shrugged and tore open another ketchup packet before squeezing it into his mouth.
I couldn’t agree with him more, but what was there to say? It was ridiculous to pine for things we couldn’t have anymore. So many people were being torn apart by these walking abominations, and of course that was the worst thing ever, but that didn’t mean we weren’t human and didn’t long for a little luxury every once in a while when we got to take a time-out from killing and surviving through each day. Even if that luxury was something as strange as laundry detergent.
I looked over at Joan curiously. She’d been perceptively quiet since getting out of the truck. Every once in a while she’d look up at Nova and frown while narrowing her eyes, and then turn to give me a jaw-splitting smile. It was hilarious, really. Nova had become the bad guy for a change, and I was the good one. This was definitely a first for me. I was guessing that Nova had given her shit for singing, her patience finally wearing thin after several hours of listening to Joan warble next to her.
“Joan?” I asked cautiously, trying to gauge how she was feeling.
She looked up with a small smile that reminded me of my grandma when she used to knit me sweaters and call me her “little sweet cheeks.” My sweet, innocent grandma that had thankfully passed away long before the apocalypse, God rest her soul. Grandpa hadn’t lasted more than a year after she had passed, and they were buried together in a cemetery back near my parents’ house. It was sad, but at least they were still together.
“I miss new underwear,” Joan said, and I nodded in agreement. I could totally get behind that. New underwear, or just
clean
underwear, would be amazing. “I loved putting on some sexy underwear for my husband,” Joan continued wistfully, and we all grimaced at the thought. “He was a real goer, if you get me.”
I stared dumbfounded for a moment and then did a full-on body shudder. The comment wouldn’t have been half as bad if I hadn’t just imagined her as my very own grandma.
“Sex. I miss sex as much as much as hamburgers.” Nova looked over at me. “What? I was really good at it,” she laughed. “What I’d give for one more hot night with my boyfriend.” Her smile slipped, but not in a sad way—more in the way that she was getting lost to her own thoughts. “God, I miss his kisses, and he had the biggest hands.” She held out her hands as if to emphasize her point. “Big hands to match his—”
I coughed to shut her up. I wasn’t a prude, I just didn’t want to hear that right then. Not with Mikey being so close. My hormones had gone into overdrive since we’d kissed.
I smirked and looked up at Mikey through my lashes, trying to be as casual as I could about it. Casual or not, he was full-on staring at me with a hungry look. And not hungry as in “I want to eat you up as a midnight snack like the deaders do,” but hungry as in…well, I think you get the idea. I swallowed nervously and looked away, feeling my stomach grow warm with desire.
Mikey’s truck had been almost out of gas by the time we’d pulled up at the lake, and after checking all the tanks, we’d decided that his truck would have to be left behind when we set off in the morning. I hated the idea of leaving a working vehicle behind, but there was no other option. We were miles from anywhere useful, with no way of siphoning gas from any abandoned vehicles. Plus, most of the stuff was starting to turn bad so there was no guarantee that the sludge we got out of an abandoned vehicle would be any good. Mikey had thought the same thing, insisting that it would most likely just blow the engine. My thoughts went again to how much longer we would be able to continue to drive anywhere, and what we would do when that was no longer an actual option for us. There would be no transporting food and water, no hightailing it out of somewhere when there was a horde of deaders or worse.
“Who’s on first watch?” Nova asked with a stretch and a loud belch. “Please say you.”
“Sure, I’ll do it,” I replied without even having to think about it. I always preferred first watch. I’d much rather stay awake for an extra couple of hours and then get one long chunk of hopefully uninterrupted sleep.
“Cool, then I’m off to bed. See you lovebirds in the morning. Joan, you’re with me, come on.” She held a hand out to Joan, who begrudgingly took it. “Don’t look at me like that, you crazy broad. I’ll spoon you if you want.” She winked at me and then chuckled as they walked to their truck, and I couldn’t stop the giggle that erupted from me.
I watched them grab blankets from the cab and drag them into the bed of the truck, and then the night fell into peace once more. I looked out across the lake again, watching the small ripples move across the surface. It was beginning to get cold again, the frigid winter air showing us that it was still there and hadn’t forgotten that it could kill us as much as anything else in this cruel, hard world.
The air stirred as Mikey moved closer, his hand reaching for mine. I looked over at him and smiled, nervous but glad to have him there, in that moment with me. I had so many things that I had wanted to say to him previously, wanting to get back to the base and tell him all my dark and dirty secrets, yet now my mind was blank, filled with nothing but static noise. Now he knew all of those secrets and he’d still chosen to come and find me. What could I say to that? He let go of my hand and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him. I leaned in, feeling the warmth of his body heat wrapping around me and colliding with my own. I let out a shaky breath before I spoke, gaining a little composure.
“I’m sorry,” I said as confidently as I could.
His lips brushed the top of my head and he tsked at me. “Well, now I have to apologize, don’t I? Damn it, woman, I was hoping to come out of this thing looking totally cool and un-blameable for anything.” He kissed the top of my head again and laughed before I could punch him in the ribs.
“You’re such a dick,” I laughed back.
“I know,” he agreed, and I groaned in annoyance at him. “I’m sorry,” he said more solemnly. “I’m really sorry.”
“For being a dick? It’s okay, I’ll get over it.” I stumbled over my words.
“No, I mean, I’m sorry for…wait, stop calling me a dick.” Mikey pulled away from me and looked down with a frown, which quickly broke into a smile when he saw me laughing. “I’ve missed you,” he said, leaning down and placing his lips gently on mine.
I kissed him back just as gently, my fingers reaching up and tangling themselves in his hair. I got lost inside his kiss, a kiss that I didn’t quite realize how much I not only wanted but needed.
Moments passed, and I could have quite happily stayed in the moment for longer, forgetting all rational thoughts and consequences, but I reluctantly pulled out of it, knowing it wasn’t safe to be this unaware of my surroundings. The lake seemed free of zombies, but you never knew when one could stumble upon you.
I smiled at him. “Just to be clear, are you sorry for being a dick or not?”
“Fuck off,” he laughed, and pushed me away from him.
He quickly reached over and took my hand in his again, and I looked down at our intertwined fingers—his large, calloused ones, and my own too-thin ones with broken nails and showing signs of malnourishment. Looking at our hands, his large and mine small, my thoughts drifted to Emily-Rose and sadness engulfed me again.
“I can’t believe she’s gone,” I choked out painfully, and then I started to sob quietly. It caught me by surprise. I thought I had put it to bed, I thought I had said my goodbyes to her earlier, but apparently my heart had decided that I hadn’t.
Mikey pulled me back into his arms and I went to him willingly, needing his strength just then, since mine had left me a trembling wreck of a woman.
“She loved you,” he murmured against my hair.
“Don’t.” I shook my head. “It hurts too much.” I wiped furiously at my eyes.
I struggled to control myself, to tame my raging emotions. I felt anger that was different from anything I had ever felt before. It wasn’t anger at the world, or people, or even the deaders that had likely killed my precious girl. It was anger at myself.
“I was supposed to protect her, Mikey. God, I’m so useless. I couldn’t even keep a teenage girl alive. What kind of person am I?” I said angrily. My cheeks felt hot and my hands shook with sadness and rage.
Mikey stared at me the entire time, his eyes deep brown pools filled with concern. His forehead held that small knit of worry right between his eyebrows, the way it did when he was deep in thought. He rubbed a hand across the back of his neck, his full lips spreading into a small smile that made my heart ache. I was in so much pain, and I couldn’t see a way out of it, a way to rid myself of the guilt I felt.
“Nina, you’re a feisty, tactless woman. You speak without thinking, and nine times out of ten you act without any consideration for others.”
I raised a distraught eyebrow. Seriously, if eyebrows could be distraught, this eyebrow was incredibly so. He realized his words were not having the desired affect and continued before I could slam my fist into his face.
“Wait that came out wrong! What I meant to say was, you’re the kind of woman that would go on a suicide mission to find a woman that was impregnated with zombie sperm just to see if she could save her and another woman that was
also
impregnated with zombie sperm. And that’s amazing—you’re amazing.” His hand cupped my face. “I love you, Nina, and I love the kind of person you are. Don’t you dare feel shitty about who you are.”
I stared dumbfounded at him, not sure what to see by his truthful statement. It was both sentimental and harsh, and I loved him even more for saying it—for saying something so sincere and not sugarcoating any of it. I wasn’t perfect—far from it. I knew that, and so did he. But he didn’t care.
“I love you too.” The words rushed out and I waited for my treacherous heart to turn to stone at my words. I should have felt guilt for loving Mikey—I was still technically married to Ben, after all. My wonderful, long-dead husband. I’m sure that in a court of law the marriage would be considered null and void because of his demise, but in my heart I was still married. However, my heart stayed beating, it kept on despite my words, and I took that as a sign that this was okay. That being with Mikey was the right choice, if it ever really was a choice.
Mikey smiled. “In hindsight, that was an incredibly weird way to tell you how much I loved you, wasn’t it?”