The Deception series boxset: FaCade, Cadence, Beneath Innocence (64 page)

I reach across the table and slap at her. She laughs but grabs my hand. “Seriously Martha, Chris and I are behind you one hundred percent. Hell, if you want us to come back with you, you know we would.”

“I know,” I whisper, my heart swelling with love for my friends. “But this is something I have to do on my own.”

And it was. To wake up from your nightmares, you had to face them, accept them. And surprisingly, I was actually ready for that, to take the next step and to put the shit behind me.

My attack in places that would haunt me forever wasn’t exactly the problem and finally facing up to it, I felt my heart tighten at the thought of once again seeing Jenson.

He’d booked himself into rehab after my accident. My dad had filled me in how Jenson had been at the hospital. I still wasn’t too sure why. He hated me surely, he must do after I dumped him after what he had done for me.

I was glad he’d undergone treatment, it proved to me that he was still the strong man I had fell in love with. I knew I had treated him worse than dog shit, but my mother had always taught me, ‘treat them mean, Martha. If they’re still there after then you know they’ll still be there to hold your hand on your death bed.’

And Jenson had been there through it all, he’d even killed for me. And the guilt I felt from that was unreal, consuming. I’d sent him on the path of drugs, whores and destruction. I knew his nightmares would be as real as mine, who wouldn’t suffer the aftereffects of killing someone. Jenson had the heart of a lion but the gentleness of a lamb, that’s what had made me fall in love with him, even though I tried so hard not to and lied to myself and him about the fact I was completely consumed with loving him.

I just hoped I hadn’t destroyed the good parts of him.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK?” MELISSA
the hairstylist asks. I look in the mirror and inhale; the girl looking back at me isn’t the broken girl who needed to cut herself to cope with the feeling of drowning in the aftermath of a violent crime. I wasn’t the old Blue either, I was the new Blue, a woman who had overcome darkness and learned to live through the shadows, breathe through the lost feeling and hold on to the hope I would one day feel happiness once again, like I did in the arms of Jenson.

My black hair feathers around to frame my face, highlighting my high cheekbones, the best of my features. The striking blue streak through the side makes me smile and I reach forward to touch the image.

“I love it.” I tell her.

Dad had already shipped all my belongings here for me, I’d accumulated a lot of junk over the two years I hadn’t been here. My nerves were causing my hand to shake, my key jingling in my hand as I try to steady it to insert it in the lock.

I had already disabled the alarm for the movers via my laptop. I didn’t have Greg or anyone else tailing me anymore despite Dad nearly stroking out at the thought of me being out there without protection. I had to let him give me a hand gun for my purse and lessons on how to shoot the balls first and then the head and I was good at shooting which made him proud.

CLICK

The door slowly opens with a push of my hand. I expect to be engulfed in memories paralysing me but I wasn’t. It’s like walking into the past but there was no fear, and that fact was nearly enough to make me collapse in relief.

Dropping my purse on the counter I smile to myself, I can hear music faintly through the wall adjoining my apartment with the one next door that was always empty in the years I lived here. An artist owned it and only used it for storage. I follow the sound and place my ear against the wall. My heart stampedes in my chest when I recognize the voice accompanying the music; they’re listening to Beneath Innocence’s track, Blue. Fate had a way of dropping hints and my plan was to seek out Jenson, beg his forgiveness and tell him how grateful I was to him for everything he did for me but I was putting it off, using excuses because I was terrified of his rejection, which is ironic because that’s all I offered him time and time again.

I startle when there’s a soft tap on my door and a note is pushed underneath it. What the hell? I walk over and pick the piece of paper up.

Welcome neighbor,

Hope the music isn’t too loud but I love this song it’s about an incredible woman I call Blue.

Butterflies take flight in my stomach at the words written and I need to shake my head and reread to make sure I’m reading it right. I open the door and meekly peer outside but no one is there. The music however is louder due to the door being open next door. I take the few steps separating our front doors and it’s then I realize the music is live and acoustic and . . .
Jenson.

I go inside, tears flood my eyes and fall, wetting my checks; he’s sitting on a stool in the centre of the apartment playing his guitar and singing.

‘I’m scratching, clawing at the surface but you’re impenetrable. Your taste on my tongue, your scent on my skin but your mind you won’t let me in.

Let me inside, let me see you stripped of your mask, no more don’t tell, no more don’t ask.

I want to swim in you but I’m drowning in the blue hue.’

My arms wrap around my own waist to comfort and ground myself to this moment. His beautiful eyes look up to mine and an amazingly cheeky smile graces his lips, making my heart skip and then drum in my chest.

“What are you doing?” I ask, confused.

He winces at my words but puts down the guitar and strides towards me, unclenching my hands from around my waist to take them in his palms. He guides me to the stool he just vacated and in autopilot I let him. He drops down to his knees in front of me and keeps my hands in his.

“I know back when we used to fool around that, that was all it was to you Blue, but to me it was so much more, you were in my skin, in my blood, I couldn’t think straight because I was so consumed in you. I know you felt it, I’m not good at hiding that shit and I didn’t want to, but you weren’t there with me.”

I can’t speak, the lump in my throat is restricting my vocal cords.

“When those motherfuckers stole and hurt you, I’ve never felt rage so overwhelming and guilt so unbearable. It destroyed a part of me because I could kill them but I couldn’t give you back the piece of your soul that horrific attack stole from you.” Tears mist his eyes making the blue look like diamonds.

“All I’ve ever wanted is for you to let me in, let me love you because I do so fucking much. I know that’s hard for you and why you run from it but I can’t let you keep running Blue. If you feel even a fraction of what I feel for you then I need you to be brave and let us explore this. We can go as fast or as slow as you like but we need to do this, we need to try and see if what I feel is something you can feel too?”

It looks almost painful for him to speak, his face is contorting as he speaks and the long lashes complementing those eyes of his are moist with his tears and it’s freaking heart breaking. How can he still have feelings for me? God and how can he not know how I’m combusting with love for him?

I fall forwards into him, knocking him backwards with an oomph, my body covers his, his eyes widening. I waste no more time, I bring my face to his and kiss his full lips, nipping and biting until I’m gasping for breath. I pull away and gaze down at him,

“I feel all those things for you, I love you and I’m so sorry for never having the courage to tell you that.” He searches my face for the truth of my words and a relieved breath leaves him, his eyes close and a small tear leaks free. I kiss it away and make a promise to myself to never hurt this man again, to never stop loving him and to always tell him I love him.

SIX MONTHS LATER

I LOOK THE MIRROR AND
adjust my tie for the fortieth time that morning.

Faye slaps at my hands and rearranges my tie for the fortieth time. “Will you stop!?”

“I can’t help it,” I mumble. “It’s strangling me.”

“It’s not strangling you,” she grumbles with a stern face. “It’s you that keeps strangling yourself.”

The door opens and Kenny pops his head round. “The target is in the building.”

I glare at him. “It’s not a Bond movie, Ken.”

His face drops as though disappointed with my chastisement. Offering no more words he disappears and closes the door.

Cade turns to me. “Ready?”

“Oh yeah.”

He nods. Faye nods. And my knees buckle.

“You’re ready for this, you’ve wanted this since forever so suck it up and be a man,” Faye barks. Both Cade and me look at each other and then back to her in shock, she just shrugs and places her hands on her hips. Wow she was feisty today.

“Good luck with her later,” I whisper to Cade and he nods in agreement.

“I heard that,” Faye calls and we both hurry from the room. This was it, fuck I was going to surprise Blue with a wedding. She hated all the girly stuff and ever since I asked her to marry me last month her girlfriends had been driving her insane with requests of letting them help plan it and what she needs to do and where it needs to be, so I planned to surprise her, having it today at least that way she couldn’t get cold feet and bolt.

I grin to myself at the thought of hunting her down, throwing her over my shoulder and carrying her down the aisle. I look up at my best man and see he’s lost in his own thoughts and there’s a huge fucking grin on his face too.