Authors: Roddy Doyle

The Deportees (9 page)

15 I'm Checkin' Out, Go'om Bye

—Hello-o? Kerri said to the mic.

—Hello, said every man in the tent, except Jimmy and maybe ten others.

Young Dan led off this time – DOO DEH DEH – and they all went after him.

—Hello-o, said Kerri. —Is this Harlem seven seven seven eleven?

—Yeah!

—John? said Kerri. —Is this you-ou-ou?

Young Dan took off his fedora and put it over the bell of his horn.

—WA–UH–WAH–AAAH—

And Kerri started to sing.

—I THOUGHT I'D PHONE YOU—

I HOPE YOU AIN'T SICK—

—DOO DEH DEH

—COS I'M CHECKIN' OUT—

GO'OM BYE—

It was great, brilliant, better than Jimmy could ever have expected.

—NICE TO HAVE KNOWN YOU–OU

YOU WERE—

MY BIG KICK—

—DOO DEH DEH—

He'd been getting a bit bored with Woody Guthrie. All that dust, it got on your wick after a while.

—BUT I'M CHECKIN' OUT—

GO'OM BYE.

That was the thing about this gang. They'd play anything and make it theirs. A nursery rhyme, a rebel song, a good song, or any old syrup served up by Westlife or Mariah Carey, they'd give it the slaps and turn it into three or four good minutes of jumping, swaying, hard-rocking loveliness.

—YOU TRIED AN OLD TRICK—

—DOOH – DEH—

They'd slow it right down, or laugh it into life.

—YOU FOUND A NEW CHICK—

—DOOH – DEH—

Here now, they'd hopped from Woody Guthrie and Duke Ellington, and no one had noticed.

—BUT I WAS TOO SLICK—

—DOOH – DEH—

They were happy up there. And Jimmy knew: they were staying.

—I'M – IN – THE – KNOW—

YOU'VE – GOT – GO—

THE – CAKE – IS – ALL – GOIN'—

Jimmy's right.

—TOO BAD OUR BLISS—

The Deportees will stay together.

—HAS TO MISS OUT LIKE THIS—

For years and albums.

—I'M CHECKIN' OUT—

GO'OM BYE.

They'll get better and quite well known. They'll tour Wales and Nigeria.

Some of them will leave, the band or the country; others will join, and some will come back. Leo will leave, home to Moscow. Kerri will be the second to go. She'll have a baby, and another, both girls, and she'll write regular articles for the
Irish Times
on the joys and demands of stay-at-home motherhood. Kenny will leave, and come back.

—I only went to the fuckin' chipper, boy.

Gilbert won't be deported. He'll out-sprint the Guards on Grand Canal Street, outside the Registry Office. It'll be a close thing. The Guards will have the tail of Gilbert's jacket in their fingers when they'll be stopped; the flying weight of his future daddy-in-law will deck the pair of them. And Gilbert will marry the birthday girl. Jimmy will be the best man, and Fat Gandhi, out on his own bail, will be their chauffeur for the duration of the honeymoon, a month-long tour of our great little country.

—Did you have mountains like them in Nigeria, Gilbert?

—No.

—They're something else, aren't they?

—Yes.

—YOU TRIED AN OLD TRICK—

There'll be no more little Rabbittes. Jimmy will have a vasectomy.

—YOU FOUND A NEW CHICK—

A birthday present from Aoife. And it will hurt. Especially when Mahalia drops the
Pet Sounds
box-set into his lap, half an hour after he gets home.

—S'oop John B!

But he'll recover. He'll be upright in time to lead his band into the studio for their first recording session, a surprise novelty World Cup hit, called 'You Might Well Beat the Irish But We Won't Give a Shite.' Jimmy's share of the royalties will buy half a wide-screen telly, and a box of Maltesers for Aoife.

—I love you, Jimmy.

—I love you too, bitch.

—How's the war wound?

—Not too bad.

—BUT I WAS TOO SLICK—

Their first album will be big in Chad and banned in parts of Texas.

—I'M – IN – THE – KNOW—

YOU'VE – GOT – TO – GO—

THE – CAKE – IS – ALL – GOIN'—

Mary's son, a scrawny kid called Zeus, will replace Kerri. Agnes will go home to Seville for Christmas, and come back with a drummer from Cabra. King Robert will join Fianna Fail – the Republican Party. He'll be the city's first black alderman, and the first mayor to sing 'Let's Stay Together' on Bloomsday.

—TOO BAD OUR BLISS—

The second album,
Dark Side of the Coombe,
will be the classic. Tom Waits will fly in, to sing with Paddy.

—HAD TO END UP LIKE THIS—

Talvin Singh will guest on three tracks, Aimee Mann will sing on two. The two Dans will play with the Wu-Tang Clan, and Lauryn Hill will drop by. Bono will bring a pizza, and Eminem will bring his ma. Yo-Yo Ma will make the tea, and Jimmy will make his own day when he opens the studio door, finds Ronan Keating, and tells him to fuck – right – off.

—I'M CHECKIN' OUT—

GO'OM BYE–EEE.

New Boy

1 He Is Very Late

He sits.

He sits in the classroom. It is his first day.

He is late.

He is five years late.

And that is very late, he thinks.

He is nine. The other boys and girls have been like this, together, since they were four. But he is new.

—We have a new boy with us today, says the teacher-lady.

—So what? says a boy who is behind him.

Other boys and some girls laugh. He does not know exactly why. He does not like this.

—Now now, says the teacher-lady.

She told him her name when he was brought here by the man but he does not now remember it. He did not hear it properly.

—Hands in the air, she says.

All around him, children lift their hands. He does this too. There is then, quite quickly, silence.

—Good, says the teacher-lady. —Now.

She smiles at him. He does not smile. Boys and girls will laugh. He thinks that this will happen if he smiles.

The teacher-lady says his name.

—Stand up, she says.

Again, she says his name. Again, she smiles. He stands. He looks only at the teacher-lady.

—Everybody, this is Joseph. Say Hello.

—Hello!

—HELLO!

—
HELL-OHH!

—Hands in the air!

The children lift their hands. He also lifts his hands. There is silence. It is a clever trick, he thinks.

—Sit down, Joseph.

He sits down. His hands are still in the air.

—Now. Hands down.

Right behind him, dropped hands smack the desk. It is the so-what boy.

—Now, says the teacher-lady.

She says this word many times. It is certainly her favourite word.

—Now, I'm sure you'll all make Joseph very welcome. Take out your
Maths Matters.

—Where's he from, Miss?

It is a girl who speaks. She sits in front of Joseph, two desks far.

—We'll talk about that later, says the teacher-lady. —But maths first.

That is the first part of her name. Miss.

—Miss, Seth Quinn threw me book out the window.

—Didn't!

—Yeh did.

—Now!

Joseph holds his new book very tightly. It is not a custom he had expected, throwing books out windows. Are people walking past outside warned that this is about to happen? He does not know. He has much to learn.

—Seth Quinn, go down and get that book.

—I didn't throw it.

—Go on.

—It's not fair.

—Now.

Joseph looks at Seth Quinn. He is not the so-what boy. He is a different boy.

—Now. Page 37.

No one tries to take Joseph's book. No more books go out the window.

He opens his book at page 37.

The teacher-lady talks at great speed. He understands the numbers she writes on the blackboard. He understands the words she writes. LONG DIVISION. But he does not understand what she says, especially when she faces the blackboard. He does not put his hand up. He watches the numbers on the blackboard. It is not so very difficult.

A finger pushes into his back. The so-what boy. Joseph does not turn.

—Hey. Live-Aid.

Joseph does not turn.

The so-what boy whispers.

—Live-Aid. Hey, Live-Aid. Do they know it's Christmas?

It is Monday, the 10th day of January. It is sixteen days after Christmas. This is a very stupid boy.

But Joseph knows that this is not to do with Christmas or the correct date. He knows he must be careful.

The finger prods his back again, harder, very hard.

—Christian Kelly!

—What?

It is the so-what boy. His name is Christian Kelly.

—Are you annoying Joseph there?

—No.

—Is he, Joseph?

Joseph shakes his head. He must speak. He knows this.

—No.

—I'm sure he's not, she says.

This is strange, he thinks. Her response. Is it another trick?

—Sit up straight so I can see you, Christian Kelly.

—He was poking Joseph's back, Miss.

—Shut up.

—He was.

—Fuck off.

—Now!

Miss the teacher-lady stares at a place above Joseph's head. There is silence in the classroom. The hands in the air trick is certainly not necessary.

—God give me strength, she says.

But why? Joseph wonders. What is she about to do? There is nothing very heavy in the classroom.

She stares again. For six seconds, exactly. Then she taps the blackboard with a piece of chalk.

—Take it down.

He waits. He watches the other children. They take copybooks from their schoolbags. They open the copybooks. They draw the margin. They stare at the blackboard. They write. They stare again. They write. A girl in the desk beside him takes a pair of glasses from a small black box that clicks loudly when she opens it. She puts the glasses onto her face. She looks at him. Her eyes are big. She smiles.

—Specky fancies yeh.

It is Christian Kelly.

—You're dead.

2 The Finger

This is the dangerous boy who sits behind Joseph. This boy has just told Joseph that he is dead. Joseph must understand this statement, very quickly.

He does not turn to look at Christian Kelly.

Miss, the teacher-lady, has wiped the figures from the blackboard. She writes new figures. Joseph sees: these are problems to be solved. There are ten problems. They are not difficult.

What did Christian Kelly mean?
You are dead.
Joseph thinks about these words and this too is not difficult. It is very clear that Joseph is not dead. So, Christian Kelly's words must refer to the future.
You will be dead.
All boys must grow and eventually die – Joseph knows this; he has seen dead men and boys. Christian Kelly's words are clearly intended as a threat, or promise.
I
will kill you.
But Christian Kelly will not murder Joseph just because the girl with the magnified eyes smiled at him.
I will hurt you.
This is what Christian Kelly means.

Joseph has not yet seen this Christian Kelly.

It is very strange. Joseph must protect himself from a boy he has not seen. Perhaps not so very strange. He did not see the men who killed his father.

The girl with the magnified eyes smiles again at Joseph. This time Christian Kelly does not speak. Joseph looks again at his copybook.

He completes the seventh problem. 751 divided by 15. He knows the answer many seconds before he writes it down. He already knows the answer to the ninth problem – 761 divided by 15 – but he starts to solve the eighth one first. He is quite satisfied with his progress. It is many months since Joseph sat in a classroom. It is warm here. January is certainly a cold month in this country.

Christian Kelly is going to hurt him. He has promised this. Joseph must be prepared.

—Finished?

It is the teacher-lady. The question is for everybody.

Joseph looks. Many of the boys and girls still lean over their copybooks. Their faces almost touch the paper.

—Hurry up now. We haven't all day.

—Hey.

The voice comes from behind Joseph. It is not loud.

Joseph turns. He does this quickly. He sees this Christian Kelly.

—What's number four?

Quickly, Joseph decides.

—Seventeen, he whispers.

He turns back, to face the blackboard and the teacher-lady.

—You're still dead. What's number five?

—Seventeen.

—How can—

—Also seventeen.

—No talk.

Joseph looks at the blackboard.

—It better be.

—Christian Kelly.

It is the teacher-lady.

—What did I say? she asks.

—Don't know, says Christian Kelly.

—No talk.

—I wasn't—

—Just finish your sums. Finished, Joseph?

Joseph nods.

—Good lad. Now. One more minute.

Joseph counts the boys and girls. There are twenty-three children in the room. This sum includes Joseph. There are five desks without occupants.

—That's plenty of time. Now. Pencils down. Down.

One boy sits very near the door. Unlike Joseph, he wears the school sweater. Like Joseph, he is black. A girl sits behind Joseph, beside a big map of this country. She, also, is black. She sits beside the map. And is she Irish?

—Now. Who's first?

Miss, the teacher-lady, smiles.

Children lift their hands.

—Miss, Miss. Miss, Miss.

Joseph does not lift his hand.

—We'll get to the shy ones later, says the teacher-lady. —Hazel O'Hara.

Hands go down. Some children groan.

The girl with the magnified eyes removes her glasses. She puts them into the box. It clicks. She stands up.

—Good girl.

She walks to the front of the room.

What do Irish children look like? Like this Hazel O'Hara? Joseph is not sure. Hazel's hair is almost white. Her skin is very pink right now; she is very satisfied. She is standing beside the teacher-lady and she is holding a piece of white chalk.

—Now, Hazel. Are you going to show us all how to do number one?

Hazel O'Hara nods.

—Off you go.

Christian Kelly does not resemble Hazel O'Hara.

—Hey.

Joseph watches Hazel O'Hara's progress.

—Hey.

Hazel O'Hara's demonstration is both swift and accurate.

Joseph turns to look at Christian Kelly.

—Yes? he whispers.

—D'you want that?

Christian Kelly is holding up a finger, very close to Joseph's face. There is something on the finger's tip. Joseph hears another voice.