Authors: Máirtín Ó Cadhain
MANNIX
Lawyer who dealt with Caitriona and her family
JOHN WILLY
He had a dicey heart
BREED TERRY
Wants only peace and quiet in the grave
GUZZEYE MARTIN, GUT BUCKET, BLACK BANDY BARTLEY, PADDY LAWRENCE, THE FOXY COP, THE OLD MASTER, REDSER TOM
and others.
Guide to Dialogue Conventions
â | Beginning of Talk |
â ⦠| Middle of Talk |
⦠| Conversation, or Missing Talk |
Time
For Ever
Place
The Graveyard
Range
Interlude 1:
The Black Earth
Interlude 2:
The Scattered Earth
Interlude 3:
The Sucking Earth
Interlude 4:
The Grinding Earth
Interlude 5:
The Muck Manuring Earth
Interlude 6:
The Mangling Earth
Interlude 7:
The Moulding Earth
Interlude 8:
The Heating Earth
Interlude 9:
The Wasting Earth
Interlude 10:
The Good Earth
Don't know if I am in the Pound grave, or the Fifteen Shilling grave? Fuck them anyway if they plonked me in the Ten Shilling plot after all the warnings I gave them. The morning I died I calls Patrick in from the kitchen, “I'm begging you Patrick, I'm begging you, put me in the Pound grave, the Pound grave! I know some of us are buried in the Ten Shilling grave, but all the same ⦔
I tell them to get me the best coffin down in Tim's shop. It's a good oak coffin anyway. I am wearing the scapulars. And the winding sheet ⦠I had them ready myself. There's a spot on this sheet! Like a smudge of soot. No, not that. A daub of finger. Who else but my daughter-in-law! 'Tis like her dribble. Oh, my God, did Nell see it? I suppose she was there. Not if I had anything to do with it â¦
Look at the mess Kitty made of my covering clothes. I always said that that one and the other one, Biddy Sarah, should never be given a drop to drink until the corpse was gone from the road outside the house. I warned Patrick not to let them near my winding sheet if they had a drop taken. All they ever wanted was a corpse here, there, or around the place. The fields could be bursting with crops, and they'd stay there, if she could cadge a few pence at a funeral â¦
I have the crucifix on my breast anyway, the one I bought myself at the mission ⦠But where's the black one that Tom's wife, Tom the crawthumper, brought me from Knock, that last time they had to lock him up? I told them to put that one on me too. It's far nicer than this one. Since Patrick's kids dropped it the Saviour looks a bit
crooked. He's beautiful on this one, though. What's this? My head must be like a sieve. Here it is, just under my neck. 'Tis a pity they didn't put it on my breast.
They could have wrapped the rosary beads better on my fingers. Nell, obviously, did that. She'd love it if it fell to the ground just as they were putting me in the coffin. O Lord God, she better stay miles away from me â¦
I hope to God they lit the eight candles on my coffin in the church. I left them in the corner of the press under the rent book. You know, that's something that was never ever on any coffin in the church, eight candles! Curran had only four. Tommy the Tailor's lad, Billy, had only six, and he has a daughter a nun in America.
I tells them to get three half-barrels of porter, and Ned the Nobber said if there was drink to be got anywhere at all, he'd get it, no bother. It had to be that way, given the price of the altar. Fourteen or fifteen pounds at least. I spent a shilling or two, I'm telling you, or sent somebody to all kinds of places where there was going to be a funeral, especially for the last five or six years when I felt myself failing. I suppose the Hillbillies came. A pity they wouldn't. We went to theirs. That's how a pound works in the first place. And the shower from Derry Lough, they'd follow their in-laws. Another pound well spent. And Glen Booley owed me a funeral too ⦠I'd be surprised if Chalky Steven didn't come. We were at every single one of his funerals. But he'd say he never heard about it, 'til I was buried.
And then the bullshit: “I'm telling you Patrick Lydon, if I could help it at all, I would have been at her funeral. It wouldn't have been right if I wasn't at Caitriona Paudeen's funeral, even if I had to crawl on my naked knees. But I heard nothing, not a bit, until the night she was buried. Some young scut ⦔ Steven is full of crap! â¦
I don't even know if they keened me properly. Yes, I know Biddy Sarah has a nice strong voice she can go at it with if she is not too pissed drunk. I'm sure Nell was sipping and supping away there also. Nell whining and keening and not a tear to be seen, the bitch! They wouldn't have dared come near the house when I was alive â¦
Oh, she's happy out now. I thought I'd live for another couple
of years, and I'd bury her before me, the cunt. She's gone down a bit since her son got injured. She was going to the doctor for a good bit before that, of course. But there's nothing wrong with her. Rheumatism. Sure, that wouldn't kill her for years yet. She's very precious about herself. I was never that way. And it's now I know it. I killed myself working and slaving away ⦠I should have watched that pain before it got stuck in me. But when it hits you in the kidneys, actually, you're fucked â¦
I was two years older than Nell anyway ⦠Baba. Then me, and Nell. Last year's St. Michael's Day, I got the pension. But I got it before I should have. Baba's nearly ninety-three, for God's sake. She'll soon die, despite her best efforts. None of us live that long. When she hears that I'm dead, she'll know she's done for too, and then maybe she'll make her will ⦠She'll leave every bit to Nell. The bitch will have one up on me after all. She has Baba primed. But if I had lived another bit until Baba had made her will, she'd have given me half the money despite Nell. Baba is quick enough. She wrote to me mostly for the last three years since she abandoned Blotchy Brian's place and took off to Boston. It's a great start that she has shagged off from that poisonous rats' nest anyway.
But she never forgave Patrick that he married that cow from Gort Ribbuck, and that he left Blotchy Brian's Maggie in the lurch. She would never have gone next or near Nell's house that time she was home from America if it wasn't for the fact that her daughter married Blotchy Brian. And why would she? ⦠A real kip of a house. A real crap kip of a house it was too. Certainly not a house for a Yank. I haven't a clue how she put up with it having been in our house and in fancy homes all over America. She didn't stay there long though, she soon shagged off home â¦
She'll never come back to Ireland again. She's finished with us. But you'd never know what kind of a fit would hit her when this war is over, if it suited her. She'd steal the honey from a bee's hive, she is so smarmy and sweet. She's gutsy and spirited enough to do it. Fuck her anyway, the old hag! After she buggered off from Blotchy Brian's place in Norwood, well, she still had a lot of time for Maggie. Patrick
was the real eejit that he didn't listen to her, and didn't marry the ugly bitch's daughter. “I wouldn't marry Meg if she had all of Ireland ⦔ Baba hurried off up to Nell's place as if you had clocked her on the ear. She never came near our place again, but just about stood on the floor the day she was returning to the States.
â⦠Hitler's my darling. He's the boy for them â¦
âIf England is beaten, the country will be in a bad way. The economy has already gone to the dogs â¦
â⦠You left me here fifty years before my time, you One Eared Tailor git! You lot were always twisted. Couldn't trust you. Knives, stones, bottles, it didn't matter. You wouldn't fight like a man, but just stab me â¦
â⦠Let me talk, let me talk.
âChrist's cross protect me!âAm I alive or dead? Are the people here alive or dead? They are all rabbiting on exactly the same way as they were above the ground! I thought that when I died that I could rest in peace, that I wouldn't have to work, or worry about the house, or the weather, that I would be able to relax ⦠But why all this racket in the dirty dust?
â⦠Who are you? How long are you here? Do you hear me? Don't be afraid. Say the same things here as you said at home. I'm Maggie Frances.
âO may God bless you. Maggie Frances from next door. This is Caitriona. Caitriona Paudeen. Do you remember me, or do you forget everything down here? I haven't forgotten anything yet, anyway.
âAnd you won't. This is much the same as the “ould country” except that we only see the grave we are in, and we can't leave our coffin. Or you won't hear any live person either, and you won't have a clue what they're up to, except when the newly buried crowd tell you. But, hey, look CaitrÃona, we are neighbours again. How long are you here? I never noticed you coming.
âI don't know, Maggie, if it was St. Patrick's Day, or the day after
that I died. I was too weak. I don't know how long I'm here either. Not that long, anyway ⦠You've been buried a long time now, Maggie ⦠Too true. Four years this Easter. I was spreading a bit of manure for Patrick down in Garry Dyne when one of Tommy's young ones came up to me. “Maggie Frances is dying,” she said. And what do you know, Kitty, the young one, was just going in the door when I reached the end of the haggard. You were gone. I closed your eyes. Myself and Kitty laid you out. And thanks to us, well, everyone said that you looked gorgeous on the bed. Nobody had any need to complain. Everyone who saw you, Maggie, everyone said that you were a lovely corpse. Not a bit of you, not a hair out of place. You were as clean and smooth as if they had ironed you out on the bed â¦
⦠No I didn't hang on that long, Maggie. The kidneys had packed up a long time ago. Constipation. I got a sharp pain five or six weeks ago. And then, on top of that I got a cold. The pain went into my stomach and then on my chest. I only lasted about a week ⦠I wasn't that old either, Maggie, just seventy-one. But I had a hard life. I really had a hard life, and I looked every bit of it. When it hit me, it really hit me, left its mark on me. I had no fight left â¦
You might say that Maggie, alright. That hag from Gort Ribbuck didn't help me a bit. Whatever possessed my Patrick to marry the likes of her in the first place? ⦠God bless you, Maggie, you have a heart of gold, but you don't know the half of it, and a word about it never passed my lips. A full three months now and she hasn't done a stroke ⦠The young one. She just about made it this time. The next one will really put her to the pin of her collar, though ⦠Her brood of kids out of their minds except for Maureen, the eldest one, and she was in school every day. There I was slaving away washing them and keeping them from falling into the fire, and throwing them a bit of grub whenever I could ⦠Too true, too true. Patrick's house will be a mess now that I am gone. Of course that hag couldn't keep a decent house any way, any woman who spends every second day in bed ⦠O, now you're talking, tell me more ⦠Patrick and the kids, that's the real tragedy â¦
It was so. I had everything ready, Maggie, the clothes, the scapulars,
the lot ⦠'Tis true, they lit eight candles for me in the church, not a word of a lie. I had the best coffin from Tim's place. It cost at least fifteen pounds ⦠and, wait for it, not two plates on it, but three, believe me ⦠And every one of them the spitting image of the fancy mirror in the priest's house â¦
Patrick promised he'd put a cross of Connemara marble on my grave: just like the one on Peter the Publican, and written in Irish: “Caitriona, wife of John Lydon ⦔ He said it himself, not a word of a lie. You don't think I'd ask him do you, I wouldn't dream of it ⦠And he said he'd put a rail around it just like the one on Huckster Joan's, and that he'd decorate it with flowersâI can't remember what he called them, nowâthe kind that the School Mistress wore on her black dress after the School Master died ⦠“That's the least we could do for you,” Patrick said, “after all you did for us throughout your life.” â¦
But listen to me, what kind of place is this at all, at all? ⦠Too true, too true, the Fifteen Shilling plot ⦠Now, come on Maggie, you know in your heart of hearts that I wouldn't want to be stuck up in the Pound plot. Of course, if they had put me in there, I could have done nothing about it, but to think that I might want that â¦
Nell, was it ⦠I nearly buried her. If I had lived just a tiny little bit more ⦠That accident to her boy, that really shook her ⦠A lorry hit him over near the Strand about a year or a year and a half ago, and it made bits of his hip. The hospital didn't know whether he would live or die for about a week â¦
O, you heard about it already, did you? ⦠He spent another six months on the flat of his back ⦠He hasn't done a thing since he got home, just hobbling around on two crutches. Everyone thought he was a goner â¦
He can't do anything for the kids, Maggie, except for the eldest fucker and he's a bollocks ⦠that might be the case alright ⦠Like his grandfather, same name Big Blotchy Brian, a total asshole. Who cares, but then, his grandma, Nell ⦠Nell and her crowd never harvested anything for the last two years ⦠That injury has really shagged
the two of them, Nell and that Brian Maggie one. I got great satisfaction from that bitch. We had three times as many spuds as her this year.
Ah, for God's sake, Maggie Frances, wasn't the road wide enough for him just as it was for everybody else to avoid the lorry? ⦠Nell's boy was thrown, Maggie. “I wouldn't give you the steam of my piss,” the judge said ⦠He let the lorry driver come to court in the meantime, but he didn't allow Nell's youngfella to open his mouth. He's bringing it to the High Court in Dublin soon, but that won't do him any good either ⦠Mannix the lawyer told me that Nell's crowd wouldn't get a brass farthing. “And why would he,” he said, “wrong side of the road.” ⦠No truer word, Maggie. Nell won't get a hairy cent from the law. It's what she deserves. I'm telling you, she won't be going past our house so easily from now on singing “Ellenore Morune” â¦