The Dirty Dust (41 page)

—Did you hear of the guy from our place who was buried and all he had was a shilling! …

—That man from our place wasn't buried with just a shilling, but it was the best thing that ever happened to him, if true. He had his feet on the ground until he got the big moola. Neither God nor ghost saw him after that except he was flashing around with his grin gawking out at you from every corner. Did you see him? I bet you couldn't see him without his gob glowering at you …

—It might make some sense if your gob was smashed, but remember that young scut from Clogher Savvy—he's related to me—he got a fortune, and nothing would do him except to go and break his neck. That's exactly the way to say it: nothing in this whole wide world would satisfy him except to go and break his neck …

—Don't you see that smarmy lout from Derry Lough! Some old witch in America left him a few thousand. The dregs of Huckster
Joan's tea were hardly drained from his belly, but there he was in Dublin with a monster motor under his bum. He also took up with a little strip of a woman who was up for it, and he upped and offed with her. She didn't stay that long with him. The gurgle of the engine was grating on her guts. She took off on her own again into the night. They called the car Tight Arse. May I never leave here, but it never budged an inch until he got a gang of local langers and yobbos from the top of the road to push it with him!

—Didn't I twist my ankle! …

—They'd push it to the nearest pub. It was left there until morning, and then they'd push it back again. Its wheels and body were left at the top of the road in the end. But it had a great horn! …

—Just like on Nell Paudeen's car …

—Especially passing Caitriona's house …

—Ababoona! …

—All very well, for a car that was got from a will, it rattled along no problem …

—Maybe, with the help of God, Hitler will be here soon …

—Not as much as a drip of a drop ever leaked out from Mannix the Counsellor about Old Wood's will. He told me that much the day I was with him trying to sue Tim Top of the Road about my mallet …

—… “The arse will fall out of Wall Street, as it did before,” he says, while his eye is wandering over towards the axe. “It'll all fall apart, and I'll lose another will, just like it happened before …”

“I wouldn't give a toss,” Caitriona said, who was there at the time, “if it fell out in one big plop, as long as it fell with the same noise out of Nell's …”

—Tim Top of the Road's old one got a slice of a will also …

—That's what gave her the flashy house …

—No it wasn't. It was my turf …

—I got a great
coup
from the insurance at the same time. Top of the Road and his eldest daughter …

—I sold a whole set of
The Complete Carpenter and Mechanic
to his son …

—Credit that, as you'd say yourself …

—He came into a will that time when Peter the Publican's daughter was teasing him in the parlour …

—The Old Master got a will …

—Billy won't be short of doctors so …

—Oh, the thief. The little pimply prick face! …

—… That's another lie! It wasn't because of a will that that Dog Eared butcher stabbed me …

—… He could pay for forty-two pints, couldn't he! Somebody with not enough land that the donkey could only plonk his two hind legs down on it! He had to stick his front two on Curran's land next to him … That's him all the way! Pushing the car for those knackers from Derry Lough was the best he did …

—And Curran too, he got the lump of land he wanted his son and Tim Top of the Road's daughter to move into …

—The devil fuck her! I'll be bollixed if she lets that one in on her land! …

—Top of the Road's young one has insurance …

—… If that's the way it is, then Caitriona is delighted she didn't get the will. If she had …

—She'd have made two slate-roofed houses …

—She'd have bought two cars …

—She'd have erected two crosses …

—And two hats …

—You'd never know, and maybe even a pair of pants …

—Bloody tear and 'ounds, isn't that what Blotchy Brian said when his daughter's son went off to college to be a priest: “If that cud-chewing cunt were still alive,” he said, “she'd never have rested easy until she had forced Paddy to dump his wife, and packed him off for the priesthood.”

—If you tell me Caitriona how many pounds were to be got in the will, I'll make out the interest on it for you:

Isn't that right, Master?

—They'd be enough there anyway to repay Kitty her pound.

—And Tim Top of the Road for the chimney …

—And Nora Johnny for the spoons and the silver knives …

—Oh Holy Mary, Mother of God! Silver knives in Gort Ribbuck! Silver knives! Oh, Jack! Jack the Lad! Silver knives in Gort Ribbuck! I'll burst! I'm going to burst! …

—… She said that, Master? …

—She said exactly that, Guzzeye Martin. She said …

—… “Up there the problem is,” I said …

—… “‘Diddley die de dum,' Caitriona sings, ‘a fine big pig for roasting …'”

—… “Martin John More had a buxom young daughter …”

—How long do you think before she marries again, what do you think? …

—Ah, go on, Kitty, my neighbour, how would I know, I haven't a clue …

—Of course, she'd have no problem getting a man, that's if she has any notion to marry again. She's a fine sprightly flighty young woman, God bless her pins and what else! …

—That's very true, Margaret, you were my neighbour! …

—That's if she never said anything about it when she saw that you were gone …

—That wasn't it, Breed …

—Maybe the Junior Master might marry her …

—Or the Master from Derry Lough, since the priest's sister dumped him …

—You are really a dote, Billy. Honest, cross my heart and hope to die. Tell us if the Schoolmistress said anything about getting married again …

—Ah, come on like, was that the way it was so, the sponger, the wanker, the twisted thicko, the runt, the sweaty scumbag warm-arsed bollix! Where is he, let me at him, the crooked cunt? …

—This is a very nice way to welcome people to the graveyard …

—Son of a gun, cop on now, Master, don't you remember what I said to you? Didn't he die though? …

—Where is he so? …

—Come on now, Master, my good friend, easy now, easy! We were always good neighbours up above. Did I ever open one of your letters? Ah, come on now, Master, stop telling lies! … If that was the case, Master, it wasn't me who did it … The Postmistress could do anything in the world she wanted, but don't call me a liar, please, Master … That's a dirty lie, certainly, Master! I never gave your letters to anyone, but straight up to your house, and stuck it straight from the bag into your hand. I'm telling you now, not every postman would do that! …

Oh, Master, Master, God forgive you Master, God forgive you! I didn't deliver your post so promptly every day just to see your wife. Oh, come on, I hope that that idea never even entered your head! … Oh, come on, Master, you were my neighbour, stop that now. Don't tell lies about her. She is still there above treading on the bright daisies of mendacity while you are here below in the dark pushing up the daisies of truth …

Believe every word I say, Master, that I was very sorry that you died. You really looked after people who visited your house. And it was always worthwhile listening to you too. You'd blast away there about life … Ah, come on, Master, don't say things like that! … Ah, come off it, Master! …

There wasn't a day passed, but I gave my condolences to herself … Ah come on, my good neighbour, for God's sake, stop going on about that! “That's a great one about the poor Old Master,” I'd say to myself. “It's not the same place since he left. I'm telling you, Mistress, that I'm really sorry for your trouble …”

… Take it easy now, Master! Easy there! Can't you just keep it to yourself! “Billy the Postman,” the old codger would call over to me, “but, sure, I know that. He really liked you …” Ah come on now, Master. We can talk about this, Master! “I did my best for him, Billy, but it was beyond the doctors …” Oh, Master my darling! Oh, Master of my heart!

… “The way it was, Billy, one way or the other, the Master was far too good …”

“Ah, come on now Master, don't disgrace yourself and all the neighbours listening! Remember always that you are a Lord of Learning, and you must always give a good example … Just be patient now! Come on now, Master, you are really doing my fucking head in. This is a great welcome, no doubt about it, to the dirty dust …

—Do you think it possible, Billy the Postman, that you might require some degree of spiritual assistance? …

—Oh the snot-snuffling sot shit, he does …

—De grâce, Master! Keep a grip on yourself. Billy is really a very romantic guy. Honest, he is …

—You were like that too, Master …

—I swear I saw you, Master … in the school …

—It's no wonder our kids marry heretics and blacks …

—… To make a long story short, Master, it was Whit Monday. It was a holiday. I went for a stroll up along the road just, as we say, to take the air …

… Now, I'm asking you, my neighbours, what harm is there in going for a stroll? Only once in a blue moon did I ever get a chance to stretch my legs … It wouldn't have done my health any good to go the other direction down the road … Just shut up a minute! … As I was just going past the gate of your house, I noticed she had the car out on the road. I had put air in its tyres for her … So what, Master, so what if I did? It was just an effort to be a bit neighbourly … “God be good to the poor old Master,” I said to myself. “He really took a shine to that car.” “Billy,” the one says to me, “the Old Master was never destined to be happy. The Old Master was far too good …” Oh, Master, I can't help it? … But hang on a minute, Master! The rest of the story …

“Sit in there, Billy,” she says. “You'll drive the car for me fine. I have to get out and about one way or another after all this time in mourning and widow's weeds. Nobody will think anything about it. You're an old friend of the family, Billy …” Keep ahold of yourself there, Master. Can't you see that everyone is listening. I never thought you were that kind of a man! …

To cut a long story short, Master, the place was deserted apart from the two of us. If you were ever down around Cala Ross that time of the day, Master, you'd know that there are very few places as beautiful. The lights were glimmering on the headlands and on the darkling pastures on the other side of the bay. I really felt it, Master … Ah, for God's sake, Master, have some sense of decency! …

… To cut a long story short, Master, she swore to me that her love was deeper than the ocean … Just hold your horses, Master! Calm down! Come on, Master, I was convinced you weren't like that …

“God be with four years ago!” she said. “The Master and I were here in this same spot looking out at the lights, up at the stars and down at the will o' the wisp shimmering on the seaweed …” Looks like, Master, that you're going to get a bad name! But hang on now! Easy! … “The poor Old Master,” I said. “The poor Old Master,” she says, “it was a great pity. But he was too good for …” … Master, Master my good friend, why won't you just listen to the story! …

“He whom the gods love, Billy,” she says, “dies young. Do you know what, Billy, he was really very fond of you …” What could I do, Master? …

—Come on now, Master! Guzzeye Martin spotted you …

—No doubt about it, Master, you were having it off with her …

—… But what would you do yourself, tell me Master, if you were as I was down there at Cala Ross looking out at the lights, mooning at the stars and wondering at the will o' the wisps shimmering on the seaweed? … Come on, cool down a bit, Master! … To cut a long story short, Master … Ah, come on Master, you're a neighbour … Don't lose the bop entirely, Master … Why are you taking your bad mood out on me? I don't deserve this …

But to cut a long story short, Master, she got three doctors from Dublin to examine me … What do you mean, you never met the likes of me since you were born! Why are you taking it out on me, Master? Anybody who knew you when you were six feet above would never believe you were anything like this …

“What happened to the Old Master won't happen to you,” she
said, “or it's too bad for me” … God be good to you, and take it easy Master. You'll disgrace yourself. You're a schoolmaster after all …

… To cut a long story short, Master, I had a vicious pain in my side and in my kidneys. I got a little bit better in the afternoon. The lift before dying. She sat on the side of the bed and took my hand … God help us, she said! Do you see the state he's in? … I couldn't do anything about her, could I?