The Doll's House: DI Helen Grace 3 (25 page)

‘And the fact she’s young and pretty has nothing to do with it.’

‘No, it’s not that. I know you won’t believe me. But I didn’t chase her. She approached me.’

‘How nice.’

‘Please, Ceri. I’m trying to explain. I didn’t want to hurt you. I haven’t been unfaithful before. To be honest, I never thought I would be. Didn’t want to be one of those men.’

‘How disappointed you must be.’

‘But she wanted to spend time with me. And that was very appealing.’

‘And I don’t?’

‘Do you?’

Ceri was so shocked by the response that initially she wasn’t sure what to say.

‘Of course, I do. You’re my husband.’

‘I haven’t been that for a long time.’

‘Clearly.’

‘I wasn’t talking about me, Ceri.’

Ceri stared at him. Now he looked unrepentant, which unnerved her more.

‘We’ve hardly seen each other the last couple of years. We’ve been living together but … we’re ships that pass in the night. We do stuff with the kids at weekends, but when do
we
actually see each other?’

‘In case you hadn’t noticed I had one of the biggest cases of my career last year.’

‘I know that. Ella Matthews was a big deal. But that was ten months ago. And I don’t see you any more now than I did then.’

‘Come on, Tim, you know what happened after the shooting. The public inquiry, the IPCC hearing –’

‘That all finished a long time ago. Ella Matthews isn’t the problem. It’s this place.’

‘This house?’

‘Southampton. Ever since we moved here, things haven’t been right.’

‘I thought you liked it down here. We’re close to your parents, the kids love it, you like the sailing –’

‘Ok,
you’ve
not been right.’

Ceri stared at him. She wanted to refute his assertion, to shout and scream at his stupid, knowing face. But there was a grain of truth in what he was saying. Her eyes flicked to her bag in the hall, then back to Tim once more.

‘I brought someone else into this marriage. And I take full responsibility for that and the pain it’s caused you. But you’ve done it too.’

‘I’ve done no such th—’

‘You think the rest of the world is obsessed with Helen Grace. You’re always complaining about
that
. But it’s you who’s obsessed, Ceri. It’s you who has driven us apart. And unless you face up to that, then we haven’t got a chance.’

102

‘I’ve let you down.’

Helen stood in Daniel Briers’ hotel room.

‘I’m sure you did what you thought was best,’ Daniel replied.

Helen looked up, trying to see if he was angry with her, but his tone was hard to read. She wanted him to say that he forgave her, to brush away her feelings of inadequacy and shame. But he remained silent.

‘We’ll question Simpson again in the morning – see if a night in prison has any effect on him. He’s staring down the barrel of a long trial, so if he’s got any sense he’ll play ball …’

But did Helen believe it? Simpson had seemed so defiant, so determined not to acknowledge any culpability. Would he hold out and try to beat the rap? Or was there something else going on here? Was this the defiance of
innocence
? It seemed unlikely – he fitted the profile in so many ways – and yet this nagging thought lingered, unnerving Helen.

Daniel remained silent, so Helen continued:

‘Anyway, I’m sorry for making the situation worse for you. If I’d stayed calm, perhaps I could have got him to
cooperate. There’s no excuse for it. Sometimes I … I just see red. I can’t help it. It’s in my DNA.’

Helen wasn’t sure how much she should share, how much Daniel already knew about her, but she felt compelled to explain her debacle in the interview suite.

‘Sometimes when I’m in there, sitting across the table from a guy like Simpson, it’s like I’m twelve years old again. I feel the helplessness, the despair, that someone like Ruby is experiencing and … I see myself and Marianne. In that flat. I remember the things my father did, the things he wanted to do, the things Marianne had to do to protect me. I see these men, I think of her and … I break inside.’

Helen didn’t look up, didn’t want to see Daniel’s reaction. She just wanted to tell him who she was, once and for all.

‘Part of me wants to destroy them. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s true. Their arrogance, their violence, makes me feel sick. I should be able to contain myself, but those feelings are always there. There’s a hatred inside me. I don’t want it, but I can’t get rid of it. Does that make sense to you?’

Finally she looked up. What was she hoping for? Understanding? Censure? Anger? She would have settled for any or all of these, but to Helen’s surprise Daniel was looking out of the window. Helen was shocked by his blank expression – he looked
bored
.

A long silence, then Daniel turned to her, finally taking in the fact that she had finished talking.

‘Sorry, you don’t need to hear all this,’ Helen said, anger jostling with her deep feelings of embarrassment. She had never confessed her innermost feelings like this before.

‘No, I’d like to hear more about you,’ Daniel replied quickly, but Helen could see the lie.

‘I shouldn’t have come here …’

‘Helen, wait –’

But Helen was already at the door. Turning the handle, she muttered:

‘I’m sorry, Daniel.’

And with that, she was gone.

103

Helen walked away from the hotel as fast as she could. What a fool. What a stupid, naïve, desperate fool. What kind of copper was she? To latch on to the vulnerability and grief of a bereaved father and somehow hope to find something for herself there? She had wanted to feed off it. No, that wasn’t right. She had hoped to find comfort in it, a sense of peace, a place to belong.

What must he think of her now? She had badly misjudged the situation, imposing her own neediness on a man who had neither feeling nor thought for her. He was bored by her weakness and who could blame him for that? He had enough to deal with it as it was.

Helen approached her bike – she didn’t know where she was going, but she just wanted to be away from here, away from the scene of her latest mistake. But as she unlocked her helmet, she saw it. In her side mirror, a figure approaching her fast. He had come from the shadows, had the element of surprise and was nearly upon her. Without hesitation, she spun round, swinging her helmet in a fast, decisive arc. The man raised his hands, but too late – the helmet connecting forcefully with his head. He reeled backwards and, dropping the
helmet, Helen was on him in a flash, forcing him down to the pavement. She raised her clenched fist and brought it down in a rabbit punch to the neck.

But her blow lost its impact, her arm slowing on its downward trajectory as she recognized her assailant.

Jake.

Her blow glanced off his neck and he now raised his hands to his face to fend off further attack. A deep cut over his left eye was already bleeding heavily.

‘Jesus Christ, Jake. What the hell are you doing? I could have killed you.’

‘You’re telling me,’ he countered angrily, pushing her off and clambering unsteadily to his feet.

‘What on earth are you doing here? Creeping up on me like that?’

‘Were you with
him
?’

And suddenly it all made sense.

‘Dear God – have you been following me?’

Jake stared at her, defiant, but he didn’t deny it.

‘How long have you –’

‘Nearly a week.’

Helen hung her head. Had she had a sense that someone was following her? Yes, that car on the return from Northampton. She had dismissed this and other vague inklings of alarm. She never gave them much credence – she knew how to take care of herself – and she never expected it to be Jake. Hadn’t they come to an arrangement?

‘Do you love him?’ Jake asked, shattering her illusions.

‘For God’s sake, Jake, it’s nothing like th—’

‘
Do you?
’

‘Go to Hell,’ Helen spat back, turning and climbing on her bike.

‘Please don’t go. We need to talk.’

Helen paused for a second, then slipped on her helmet.

‘There’s nothing more to say.’

She climbed on her bike and sped off, Jake growing smaller and smaller in her mirrors. Right now if he vanished all together she wouldn’t have cared. This evening had proved one thing and one thing alone. Her life was one massive, bad joke. And the gods would never tire of laughing at her.

104

She slid the laptop out of the case and placed it carefully on the kitchen table. She was alone now – the house felt crushingly silent – but even so she hesitated. Was it weakness to give in? Or was it just acknowledging a basic truth?

Tim had left an hour ago. He had said his piece and gone. Events were moving so quickly now and despite the endless chats that would have to take place – the window dressing of a marriage break-up – she could tell already that Tim had made up his mind. There would be no way back from this. He didn’t love her any more. It seemed strange to think such a bald, nasty thought, but that didn’t stop it being true. He had found someone who made him joyful and happy. That was no longer the case with his wife.

Strangely, Ceri didn’t want to fight for him. Not because she didn’t love him – she did and the thought of being a discarded wife stung bitterly – but because she had always shied away from a losing battle. Why prolong the agony? She chided herself for such resignation – wasn’t it the done thing for a betrayed wife to fight for her man – but suddenly she didn’t seem to have the energy or will. What was happening to her?

She crossed to the fridge and poured herself a glass of water. Her emotions were all over the place today – deep misery mixed with a strange sense of anticipation – and she wanted a moment to gather herself. She seemed to be constantly on the point of either laughing or crying today. Pulling herself together, she walked back to the kitchen table and sat down.

She pressed the ‘On’ button and the laptop buzzed into life. Immediately a dialogue box popped up, asking for the master password. Ceri’s fingers hovered over the keyboard. It was bad enough having Helen’s laptop here – ‘borrowed’ from her contact in Anti-Corruption – but it was much worse still to actually access her private files.

Helen had provided her with all her password protection information, so with a little shiver of transgression Ceri typed in the master password. Immediately, Helen’s desktop opened up in front of her. She clicked on the first file and was confronted by another box, demanding an encryption code. Harwood dutifully entered it and the file came up on the screen. But it was of little interest – just a contacts sheet. Shaking her head, Harwood persevered, opening and closing files, entering more and more passwords, slowly delving deeper and deeper into Helen’s system.

She was now accessing the most hidden material, the inner workings of Helen’s mind and soul. She drank in her detailed journal of her time stalking, then befriending, Robert Stonehill. She read the many emails she had
sent to him, desperately trying to locate him. And deeper still, she found the real pay dirt. A diary Helen had kept on and off since she first started in the Force, chronicling her pride in her uniform, the feeling of security and power the job gave her, as well as her deep doubts about herself, as her career progressed.

It was late now, but Ceri read on, drinking in Helen’s confessions of anger, self-loathing and recrimination that nestled amidst the moments of happiness and optimism. Helen really was cursed, Ceri thought, despite all her success, driven by a desire to expel demons that forever eluded her. All those years in that flat, in the care homes, had left her raw and bruised. It gave Ceri no little satisfaction to realize that some of these wounds would never fully heal.

She sat in darkness, her glass of water untouched, and clicked on to the next page. She was careless of all around her, hooked in now to her examination of Helen Grace. Her exchange with Tim was already long forgotten and for a moment it was as if he didn’t even exist.

105

It’s hard to be inconspicuous, when you are the size of a small whale. This was one very good reason why heavily pregnant officers tended to find themselves assigned to desk jobs.

It was early morning and the inhabitants of Georges Avenue were slowly surfacing. Curtains were being drawn, cups of tea drained, and the early birds were now climbing into their cars and vans, occasionally shooting a quizzical look at the pregnant stranger leaning against the lamp post.

Charlie suddenly felt tired and foolish. They only had one car and even though Steve wasn’t using it today, Charlie had avoided it. Steve loved that car and kept meticulous care of it. He wasn’t a controlling person, but he would nevertheless have noticed the spike in miles on the clock that a journey to and from Northampton would have caused. So she had taken a cab, then a train, then another cab – eventually being deposited in a Northamptonshire village with nothing to do but wait. It had cost her money, her feet ached and a headache was brewing and yet … she had felt compelled to come here. Unwittingly she had played a part in a
conspiracy that might yet claim Helen’s scalp. If there was a chance that she could now influence proceedings, Charlie had to seize it.

She heard the front door shut and looked up. DI Tom Marsh paused as he walked to his car, turning back to wave to his wife who now appeared in the front window. Charlie found herself marching towards him.

‘Can I help you?’ DI Marsh looked at her quizzically. ‘Have you come to see Rose?’

‘No, Tom, I’ve come to see you.’

Suddenly Marsh looked less certain. Out of the corner of her eye, Charlie could see his wife watching on from the front window. She wondered what romantic crimes Marsh had been guilty of previously and whether this could be used to her advantage. Being confronted by an angry pregnant woman wouldn’t look good to his wife – or his neighbours.

‘I’m sorry I don’t know who you are and I’ve got to get to work,’ he said, attempting to brush past her. But Charlie caught hold of his arm firmly, stopping him in his tracks.