The Drop of the Dice (Will You Love Me in September?) (32 page)

Nanny Curlew came to me in great distress.

‘I went to her room,’ she said. ‘She was getting ready for bed. I heard her saying her prayers. I saw her into bed and told her you might be along to tell her a story.’

‘I did go in,’ I answered. ‘But she seemed sleepy so I tucked her in and kissed her good night.’

‘The minx,’ said Nanny Curlew. ‘She must have got up and gone off somewhere.’

‘Whatever for?’

‘You can never know with Miss. But she’s up to something, you can be sure.’

‘We must find her, Nanny, and bring her back to bed. I expect she’s in the attic. She likes hiding up there.’

‘I’ll go up right away and look, Miss Clarissa.’

‘I’ll come with you,’ I said.

We were dismayed to find she was not in the attic. We searched through the house. No one had seen her. Nanny Curlew and I looked anxiously at each other.

‘She must have gone out,’ I said. ‘Why… and where?’

‘She’s been strange lately. She’s upset about her mother… and there’s her father. She seems frightened of him and keeps saying she hates him.’

‘Poor, poor little Sabrina. We must find her quickly, Nanny.’

We hurried back to her room. Her slippers were gone and so was her dressing-gown, but the rest of her clothes were there.

‘She can’t go far,’ I said. ‘She’s not dressed for going out. Oh, where can she have gone?’

I tried to think of her favourite places. The stables was one. We went there together. There was no sign of her. Her pony was there so she had not taken him. That was a relief. The thought of her going out at night on her pony was terrifying.

As we came out of the stables, Damon ran up to us. He was essentially Jeremy’s dog and slunk about mournfully these days as though aware of the tragedy which had befallen the household, but he was constantly in Sabrina’s company.

I called to him: ‘Damon, Damon. Where is she? Where is Sabrina?’

He gave a little bark and looked at me with limpid, sorrowing eyes.

‘Find her for us, Damon,’ I said. ‘Please, Damon, find Sabrina.’

The dog wagged his tail, looked up at us and whimpered. Then he turned and started trotting towards the house.

I followed him in disappointment. I was sure Sabrina was not there.

As we neared the house Smith appeared.

‘Hi, Damon,’ he cried. ‘I was looking for you, boy.’

Then he saw us.

‘Oh Smith,’ I cried. ‘We can’t find Sabrina.’

Smith looked grave. ‘Not in her bed, then?’

‘No. We’ve searched the house. We think she must have gone out. I can’t think why and I can’t think where. Have you any idea?’

There was a special bond between Smith and Sabrina, as there had been between myself and the man. He was of the kind who has little time for adults but a great deal more to spare for children. I had discovered that; so had Sabrina.

‘Poor mite,’ he said. ‘This is a hard time for her. The mistress… going. The master as he is…’

‘I’m worried, Smith. So is Nanny. Where could she have got to?’

He said after a moment: ‘Damon will take us to her. He’ll know where the little missee is. Come on, boy.’

Damon was pricking up his ears. He stood very still as though testing the air; and then he started trotting away from the house. He stopped and looked back at us.

‘He’s asking us to follow him,’ said Smith.

I cried out: ‘Good Damon. Take us to Sabrina, Damon.’

He started to trot in the direction of the church. He paused by the lych-gate which led into the graveyard. Smith opened it and we all went through.

I knew then that Sabrina had gone to her mother’s grave.

I saw her first. She was kneeling and her arms were spread out over the earth.

‘Sabrina!’ I cried. ‘Oh… Sabrina.’

She did not move and for a moment a terrible fear ran through me. I ran to her and, kneeling beside her, turned her body to face me. She was deathly pale and her eyes were wide.

‘Clarissa,’ she said and threw herself at me. I held her tightly. She was shivering.

‘Nobody came,’ she said. ‘The graves didn’t open. I waited… and it was just the same.’

‘We must get her to bed quickly,’ I said. ‘She’s shivering with the cold.’

Smith picked her up in his strong arms.

‘So you left your bed, Miss,’ began Nanny Curlew.

I put a hand on her arm. ‘Don’t scold… now,’ I whispered.

Sabrina reached for my hand and I took hers and kissed it. Nanny Curlew said: ‘We’ll soon have you safe in bed.’

Damon jumped up, barking.

‘Good dog, Damon,’ I said. ‘Damon brought us to you, Sabrina. Let’s get going quickly. It’s all right. I’m going to look after you now.’

‘Always?’ asked Sabrina.

‘Always,’ I said firmly.

Smith carried her back and we put her to bed. She lay shivering while Nanny Curlew warmed up some broth and I wrapped her in blankets.

She said: ‘Stay with me, Clarissa.’ So I lay down beside her, holding her tightly in my arms.

I hoped she would sleep but she could not. She drank the broth and nestled close to me, holding on to my hand tightly as though she feared I was going to run away.

‘Clarissa,’ she said.

‘Darling, try to sleep. You can tell me tomorrow.’

She was silent for a while, then she said my name again.

‘What is it?’ I asked gently.

‘They don’t come out.’

‘Who?’

‘Dead people in graves.’

‘No,’ I said, ‘they’re at peace. They have finished with the world. They don’t want to come back.’

‘My Mama would want to. She would want to come back for me.’

‘She would want you to be happy here.’

‘I want to go with her. I wanted one of them to come out and take my heart and make me dead so that I could get into the grave with my mother.’

‘Oh, Sabrina,’ I said, ‘you couldn’t do that. You have to live your life here and make it happy.’

‘It won’t be now because… I killed her.’

‘That’s nonsense.’

‘I did, I did. I went skating and she came and saved me and it killed her.’

‘No. It’s not like that at all. She was ill long ago before you were born. She was just ill again.’

‘But she wouldn’t have been if she hadn’t got cold on the ice.’

‘Listen, Sabrina, we are going to forget all that. It’s over. It is what your mother would want.’

‘My Papa won’t forget about it.’

‘Things like that happen sometimes. They can’t be helped. When they are over there is nothing to be done but forget them. You’re going to forget, Sabrina. I will make you forget.’

‘But…’

‘Listen. You went on the ice when you were forbidden to do so. You fell in and your mother saved you. That was what she wanted. She was ill for a while. Then she was better. Then she was ill again.’

‘Was she better?’ asked Sabrina.

‘Of course she was,’ I lied. ‘She was ill before and she had the same illness again.’

‘My Papa…’

‘He loved your mother dearly. He is hurt and wounded and when people are hurt they like to blame other people. It’s wrong… but it’s human. So be gentle with him… and stop blaming yourself.’

‘You say nice things, Clarissa.’

‘I say what’s true.’

She was comforted and lay beside me, holding my hand tightly. I stayed with her until she slept. Then I crept quietly away.

The next day I saw Jeremy. He did not want to see me. He didn’t want to see anybody. But I insisted.

I was very shocked by his haggard looks, but more, perhaps, by the bitterness of his mouth. Smith had said: ‘He’s gone right back, Miss Clarissa, right back to what he was before he went to France and brought you home.’

He had been a bitter, angry man in those days, railing against fate, living the life of a recluse. Was that what he was going to return to?

‘Jeremy,’ I said, ‘I’m sorry to disturb you, but I want to talk to you. It’s about Sabrina.’

He frowned as though the very mention of her name was distasteful to him.

‘We have to remember how young she is,’ I went on. ‘She is only seven years old.’

He nodded, a little impatient with me, I thought, for reminding him of an obvious fact.

‘Children are very impressionable and this tragedy is having an effect on her.’

‘I should hope it is,’ he retorted. ‘She should be made to realize what her wickedness has brought about.’

‘Jeremy, it was the thoughtless act of a child!’

‘She had been told skating was dangerous and warned not to go.’

‘But danger appeals to children, don’t you see?’

‘And Damaris went after her and gave her life for that child.’

‘It was not quite like that, Jeremy.’

‘I cannot see how else it happened.’

I realized it was hopeless to try to make him see a different point of view so I decided to come straight to the point.

‘I want to take Sabrina back with me.’

I was astonished by his reaction for I had thought that in view of the effect Sabrina had on him, he would not hesitate for a moment to let her go.

‘This is her home,’ he said.

‘But I thought a little stay with Lance and me…’

‘Where she will doubtless be pampered and made to feel something of a heroine…’

‘I do think she needs a little special care at the moment.’

‘What she needs is to understand what she has done. She must be made to realize that her disobedience has cost her mother’s life.’

‘Oh no, Jeremy! She is filled with remorse. Last night she went to her mother’s grave. She had some childish notion of joining her mother. Don’t you see how deeply hurt she is? She needs nursing back to normality. She needs love and security. Damaris would have understood.’

The mention of her name seemed to unnerve him. He clenched his fists and turned away. When he spoke his voice sounded strangled.

‘Damaris is… dead… because of this child’s wanton action. She needs discipline. She is utterly selfish. She will stay here in her home. Thank you for offering, Clarissa. You have been a good girl. Damaris loved you dearly. But Sabrina has some wickedness in her and it has to be restrained. I can see trouble for her if she is not watched. She is to stay here. I want her to understand fully this terrible thing she has done.’

‘Jeremy,’ I said, ‘you were always kind to me. You were like a father to me. You and Damaris… I’ll never forget…’

I could see I was stirring up his emotions and because he had lost Damaris they could only bring out more bitterness.

He said firmly, ‘The answer is that Sabrina stays here. She has that good Curlew woman to look after her, and this is her home.’

‘For a brief visit, then,’ I pleaded.

‘Perhaps later. When she shows some contrition.’

I cried out in protest: ‘Don’t you see? She is becoming obsessed by this feeling of guilt. It’s doing something to her. Jeremy, she’s little more than a baby.’

He said: ‘My mind is made up.’

I knew from the past that when Jeremy spoke in that way it was final.

After I had left, Sabrina’s face haunted me for a long time.

‘Soon you will come and see me,’ I had said when we parted, and she had just looked at me reproachfully. I was sure she thought that I was deserting her, and I trembled to think how she would fare in that brooding house of mourning. I was sure it was the worst possible thing that she should be left there. I relied on Smith and Nanny Curlew and I had a word with them before I left.

It was in a very sad mood that I arrived back in London. Lance greeted me with pleasure. He was very happy to see me back, he said. He had had some good play and was richer by several thousands. I could not be elated by the news, for he was playing for high stakes and I felt sure there would in time be some disastrous results.

Aimée welcomed me affectionately and it was pleasant to see little Jean-Louis again. In spite of the ever-present apprehension caused by Lance’s gambling I could have been very happy if I could only have brought Sabrina with me.

Lance noticed that I was preoccupied and soon I was telling him all about it.

‘If only I could have brought her with me I would have been so relieved. I am sure I could make her into a normal child if I had her for a while.’

‘You are a little worker of miracles,’ he said lightly, and I felt a stab of disappointment, for I realized he was not really concerned about Sabrina. He would always be kind; he would put no obstacles in the way of my taking her as my own child if ever I was able to do so, and she could have a home with us and be treated as a member of the family; but at the same time he did not care deeply what became of her. There was a natural carelessness about him, an insouciance, and it applied to everything that touched him… except gambling.

In one way it was an asset, for it enabled him to make light of his troubles. When I considered how nearly the South Sea Bubble had ruined him, I was amazed at his reaction. I only learned later about this, and how he had sailed along very near the verge of bankruptcy. He owed money all round but he had continued to live in an extravagant style. That was Lance.

Perhaps it was through Sabrina that I began to feel a vague dissatisfaction with my marriage. I would not at first admit it. I had the kindest and most indulgent of husbands. I tried not to see the superficiality of our way of life. Now I began to feel that there was no depth in it. It was only a vague feeling, for my thoughts were so taken up with the plight of Sabrina.

Every day I thought of her and I wished that I had asked Smith or Nanny Curlew to write and let me know what was happening. Neither of them, I imagined, would be very good correspondents. I might have asked Priscilla, but she was very much occupied at this time, deeply concerned about the health of her parents.

I could talk to Jeanne about Sabrina. Jeanne understood.

‘Poor mite,’ she said. ‘It’s wicked to make her feel like a murderer. Men… I don’t know. They have no sense, if you ask me. It is very
méchant
of this Monsieur Jeremy. He is no good father to that child.’

‘Oh Jeanne,’ I said, ‘how I wish that I had brought her with me.’

‘She will grow up hating, that one. She will grow up with a… how you say?…
une dent…
against the world.’