I squinted at him, trying to figure out what I'd missed. “Is there a hurricane coming? Why would we leave?”
“Providence,” he said, as if it were obvious. “I've got to meet with the mediator Monday morning, and I figure I might as well spend Sunday with the girls. Molly has a basketball game Sunday night, and I told her I'd be there.”
I picked up a decorative pen and pressed the faceted star into my palm. Nate had always been inconsiderate, but he wasn't usually so oblivious to my world. “Nate, I can't go to Providence now.”
“Why not? Why wouldn't you want to go?”
“This shop!” I sputtered, a little too loudly.
I noticed the people around me suddenly turning away, trying to pretend they weren't eavesdropping, and Georgia started singing, “Star of wonder, star of light . . .” in her hoarse, off-key voice. But Nate didn't seem to care that we were making a scene. He just stuck me with that cold, dark stare, implying that I'd lost my mind.
“Come on, Ricki. You're the boss. Go over to that door and hang up the closed sign. Or put your assistant in charge for the weekend. That's why you hired her, isn't it?”
“Nate, she's a college student,” I said, feeling defensive. “And she's part-time. And in case you've forgotten, tomorrow is the Shopfest, my biggest weekend of the year. People drive in from out of state for this weekend. You promised to play Santa again, remember? Honey, we just can't go this weekend.” I checked my watch. “It's not five yet. You can still probably reach the mediator and reschedule for later in the week.”
“No, I can't,” he snapped.
I sat back in the chair, jarred by his anger. “Maybe we should talk about this in the backâ”
“How would it look for me to postpone after I've pushed this thing along for the past year?” he said. “Do you want
Gina
to think I'm losing my resolve?”
That comment hit me in a vulnerable spot. “This is not about . . . her,” I said, realizing that we were segueing into a full-scale argument in front of an audience. “It seems to me that since you're an equal party in this negotiation and you live out of state, the meeting can be set at a time that's convenient for you.”
“Forget it. We're going.”
“I'm sorry, but I can't.” My face flushed hot with anger and embarrassment. I hated Nate for springing this on me, hated him more for playing it out in front of my friends and customers. My pulse thudded with a sickening intensity, hammering away at me with the same indifference I saw in Nate's eyes. He refused to accept the weight of my commitments here, my investment in this business, my emotional ties to this community. “Open your eyes, Nate. I've got a shop full of people here, a show tonight, a huge weekend planned, and I can't drop it all to be your buddy while you rush home to fight with Gina.”
“Don't you see I'm doing this for you?” he asked indignantly.
I pressed the starry pen deeper into my palm, wishing its sharp facets were the only pain I felt. “Actually, I'm not getting that part, why I'm supposed to be thrilled about dropping everything for the horrendous drive up to Providence.” I lowered my voice. “And after all this time, don't push your divorce on me, Nate. It's not about doing a big âfavor' for me; it should be about putting an end to a relationship that didn't work out for you.”
“Semantics.” He waved me off. “Fine.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay, then. Do you want to meet me at the school or should I pick you up at home?”
He squinted at me, his face so puckered it lost its appeal. “You know what? Don't bother. I'll probably just start driving tonight.”
He turned and, with a swirl of his glamourous coat, he was striding toward the door.
“Nate?” I stood up, calling after him. I wanted to push past the customers, run to him, take his hand and beg him not to go.
Please, just stay, honey. You can fly up on Sunday night. You can change the appointment. Would you try to be flexible, just this once, for me?
But I didn't chase after him, didn't beg or grovel, didn't make another attempt to reason with him. Instead, I returned to the computer and gripped the edge of the table, trying to pretend that the information on the monitor held me in fascination while scattered thoughts raced through my mind like storm clouds. Nate was leaving. I had to get ready for the Christmas show. Nate blamed me for his unhappiness. Tomorrow was Shopfest and I had no Santa.
“Hey, honey.” Georgia massaged my shoulders. “You okay?”
“On a scale of one to ten? I feel like a big fat zero.” It was difficult to breathe. “I'm so embarrassed,” I whispered.
“Why should you be? You didn't do anything wrong, and no one's holding you responsible for Nate's bad behavior.”
Although I knew that was true, I couldn't shake the gloom that hung over me.
“If you need me tomorrow, I'd be happy to come. I bet Miller will give me the day off if I ask him.”
“That'd be great,” I said. “But can you play Santa?”
“I'm good, but not that good.” Georgia folded her arms and shot a look around the store. “I'll bet we can find a tall, stout man who can fill that Santa suit. Uhm, Cracker? Stop hiding in the garland there.”
Cracker peered out from behind a lavender Victorian tree. “Just who are you calling stout?”
“See?” Georgia gestured toward him grandly. “What did I tell you? A volunteer!”
Smoothing down his sweater, Cracker turned to the two women behind him. “Do you think red makes me look fat? I've always avoided plaids for that reason. Oh, God, I should have paid attention when Serge was on that South Beach Diet. Is it lots of fruitâor no fruit at all?”
“I'll be Santa,” Ben said nonchalantly as he stretched packing tape around the seam of a box. “I've already got the hair and I'm a pretty good listener. Though I may need to borrow a few pillows to fill out the suit.”
“Not to worry!” Cracker rubbed his hands together delightedly. “We'll stuff you full of Christmas goodies at the pageant tonight. My man Ben gets first dibs on a big slab of gingerbread.”
“How about you, Cracker?” Georgia asked. “You're not off the hook.”
“I can't play Santy Claus, but I make a mean batch of eggnog, which is a must for the Shopfest. I'll whomp up a big bowl of it and keep it coming all weekend,” Cracker promised.
“Super!” Georgia beamed, reaching over to take a basket of ornaments from a woman waiting at the register. “I'll tell Miller I need the day off. We're going to have a great time tomorrow.”
I blinked, intrigued and a little awed at the activities swirling around me. Did I just recruit a staff for tomorrow without saying a word? The prospect of seeing Ben in the Santa suit brought a smile to my face, despite my bad mood over Nate, damn him. He'd struck a blow to a vulnerable spot, but right now, with the customers and the pageant and a few customized wreaths to assemble, I didn't have the time or energy to plumb the pain.
Ignoring the dead air in my lungs, I went to the register beside Georgia to wait on the next customer. “Thanks, guys,” I said, trying to keep my voice light. “You're really saving my skin.”
“We'll get you through the weekend, honey,” Cracker said. “What are friends for?”
19
“W
e are the children,” the kids on stage sang, swaying in the red, green, and white felt aprons I'd stitched for them. “We are hope!”
Sitting beside Georgia, who gasped at every adorable sketch in the school Christmas pageant, I felt myself choking up over their song. Unlike the similar bit of sludge that Michael Jackson had slung out a hundred years ago, these lyrics tugged at my heartstrings, reminding me that children were the future of the world. Taking in their little pugged noses and toothless grins, I wanted to bask in their innocence and simplicity. I wanted to have a pure heart again, a heart unmuddled by vicious ex-wives and blustery boyfriends who abandon you when you need them most.
“Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,” the children sang as the players in the nativity scene began to gather. A white-veiled Mary winced as Joseph took her hand. Together they followed two donkey-hooded children who danced under the sparkling silver and blue star I'd made.
“Aren't they the cutest?” Georgia nudged me. “I just love their little chirpy voices. Better than the choir at my church, and our choir is good. Professional quality. Hey, are you coming to church with me for Christmas?”
She'd been after me to visit her church for months, but the hellfire and brimstone reputation of southern churches had held me at bay. “We'll see.”
“Oh, look! Here comes Isabel,” Georgia said, turning to wave down the aisle to her niece, who was dressed as an angel.
Shepherds moved onto the stage, the trim on their purple and blue costumes sparkling under the stiff white lights. As the children tucked the baby-doll Jesus into the manger and sang “Silent Night,” I mourned my own lost innocence.
When did my life become tainted? Of course, it didn't happen overnight, but somehow I'd become one of the women I'd always felt sorry for: an entrepreneur who chased her business voraciously while waiting on a man. And somehow, since my business capitalized on Christmas, my life seemed worse than the norm.
I was relieved when the principal took the stage to thank the little performers and to invite everyone to the school cafeteria for punch and goodies. Introspection can be a dangerous thing when your heart is in a tangle.
Inside the cafeteria, children were yipping and crowing over the gingerbread village. A few little girls jumped excitedly as they pointed to their favorite parts. Boys smacked their foreheads and raced around the table to check it out from every angle. Parents and teachers nodded with admiration.
“Nice work, partner,” Bitsy said, clapping a hand on my shoulder. “They seem to like it.”
“They love it!” Georgia gushed. “It's so magical, you almost hate to see it broken apart.”
“Ah, but it's meant to be eaten,” Bitsy said. “Can't hold onto beautiful things forever. Got to enjoy as you eat. Seize the moment, that's what I say.”
That advice had been chasing me around lately, but somehow, without Nate, I didn't feel quite ready to seize. My moment was on hold, my happiness a pretty package dangling beyond my reach.
Not that it wasn't gratifying to see the kids tear into their gingerbread tiles. With help from a few parents, the village was divided and doled out in decorative squares to the children who had formed a line. I recognized some of the kids from Diane's preschool group, as well as their older siblings, parents, grandparents, friends, and neighbors. Mr. Winslow had hitched a ride with his neighbor, whose daughter was one of the angels, and he summoned me over to warn that a storm was blowing in.
“A whopping nor'easter!” he rasped, his hands splaying out to emphasize the enormity of it all.
“Not a hurricane?” I asked, studying the light in his eyes.
“Oh, no, no! This is a different storm system entirely. You have your winds blowing up from the northeast, pulling up the warm, moist air from the Gulf Stream.”
I sat down on the folding chair beside him, knowing there was more. “Okay, and then what?”
“Well, as the northeasterly wind pulls the storm up the coast, it meets with cold, arctic air blowing down from Canada. When the two storm systems collide”âhe smacked his hands togetherâ“you've got a rainy mess.”
I nodded, wondering if my father would have aged as gracefully as Mr. Winslow, settling into a community, keeping up with his hobbies. My father had just turned fifty-eight when he died quickly of a heart attack. Honestly, I didn't miss him all the time, not until certain “Dad” qualities turned up in people around me, people like Mr. Winslow. “So what's your prediction on this?” I asked. “I've got loads of people driving in from the mainland tomorrow.”
“Mmm. Could be dicey. Wind is already kicking up out there, but it may be that the precipitation holds until tomorrow night.”
“I close at seven tomorrow,” I told him. “Could you stave off the rain till, maybe, six-thirtyish?”
He winked, his furred brows arching. “I'll do what I can.”
Â
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As the party began to wind down, my energy began to sag along with the “Merry Christmas!” banners. “I'd better get going,” I told Georgia.
“And what are you rushing home to?” she asked. “Listen honey, why don't you come on home with me? We'll hang. Grab some dinner. Drink some wine while we watch old videos.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I need to get some sleep for tomorrow. Plus we're supposed to put up our tree this weekend. Which reminds me . . .” I winced, peering through the glass wall of the lobby to the wavering trees in the parking lot. “That wind looks nasty, and our tree is leaning against the wall out back. What do you think the odds are that Nate brought it inside before he left town?”
“If he's anything like my Daniel I'd say you'd better find yourself a new tree. But you shouldn't be decorating your tree all alone this weekend. You shouldn't be alone at all, Ricki. Come on over to my place.”
“No.” I touched her shoulder. “You're being so sweet about helping out tomorrow and I really appreciate it. But really, I just want to get home and crash.”
Reluctantly, Georgia helped me into my coat. “Now you drive safe, okay?”
I smiled, thinking back to how that had thrown me when I'd gotten hereâconstant reminders to get home safely. The questions brought on when someone caught you frowning. The veracity of people inquiring after your thoughts. It was all so downright . . . personable.
At the door I came across Diane, looking every inch the concerned preschool teacher as she held onto Joey's shoulders. “I don't think it's safe for you to walk home, Lila,” she told a girl who had the same wide brown eyes and sandy-colored hair.
Although the girl couldn't be more than ten or eleven, she took Joey's hand with authority. “My mom says we have to walkâthere's no one to pick us up tonight.”
Diane leaned down so she could be eye-to-eye with the girl. “I realize that, sweetheart, but I'm sure your mom didn't count on this storm kicking up. How about if we find you a ride?”
“I'm heading out now,” I said. “I'd be happy to drop you somewhere.”
Lila raised her shoulders defensively.
“It's okay. I know her,” Joey said, smiling up at me. “She's Wicki.”
“I know her, too. Ricki Conner, this is Lila Salem,” Diane introduced us, then confided that she'd drive the kids herself, but she was late for a doctor's appointment.
“I'm happy to give them a ride,” I said, “if it's okay with Lila.”
The girl shrugged, peering at me curiously through her bangs. “Whatever.”
Outside in the parking lot, I looked at my little VW convertible and turned to the kids. “I don't have a car seat,” I said aloud, thinking of the machinations my married friends up north went through whenever they needed to load kids into a car. “How old are you, Joey? And what's the rule here? I didn't even think of that.”
“It's okay,” Lila said, folding the passenger seat up while Joey slid into the back. “He doesn't use one.”
“Oh, you're a big guy, huh?” I teased as I got into the car. In the mirror I saw that Joey was smiling, but Lila looked pained as she reached for the seatbelt. A less well-mannered child would carp: “Just drive, lady!” but Lila sat back in the seat and steamed quietly behind her bangs while Joey observed how the wind was bending the trees and rolling a metal trash can right across the parking lot.
At least one of the kids in my car didn't hate me.
I switched off my CD of Christmas carols for fear they'd annoy Lila, then followed her directions south on the Croatan Highway. With one major highway cutting a swath through the center of this narrow strip of land, the Outer Banks is easy to navigate, though sometimes a little creepy after nightfall. Lila directed me to the south end of Nag's Head and had me turn right onto a dirt road that seemed way too narrow for a car. My headlights washed over a graveyard of junked cars, their rusted chassis scattered in odd clusters, as if their busted headlights were eyes and the grills mouths that could whisper messages to each other as their frames sunk into the mud. Did I say creepy? I couldn't imagine these kids walking down this lane, even in the best of weather.
Quickly I twisted my focus back to the road, but not before my car hit a rut.
Joey laughed at the huge bounce of the VW. I gritted my teeth and slowed down, trying to find the lights of a house on the horizon.
But the landscape was bare of any real structures as the dirt road in the beam of my headlights gave way to sand and muck and tall swamp grasses that danced wildly in the wind.
“Which way?” I asked, pressing on the brakes gently.
“This is fine,” Lila said, unbuckling her seatbelt. “We're just over there. Come on, Joey.”
“Over there” turned out to be a narrow path through the tall grasses. I could barely make out the rusted frame of a portable trailerâthe kind that popped up once you parked. What could be inside? A sleeping compartment? Certainly not a bathroom or kitchen, and even if there were such accommodations, there were no water or electric hookups back here.
“Are you sure you'll be okay?” I asked, trying not to sound judgmental but worried that this was not a safe place to leave two children.
“I said come on!” Lila reached over and unbuckled Joey's seatbelt, then reached forward to collapse the front seat. “Thanks, Ms. Ricki. Move it, buzz.”
Wind whistled into the car as she pushed the door open and melted into the evening. Joey leaned between the two front seats and patted his new scarf in the light above the mirror. “Bye,” he said reluctantly, then followed his sister out into the dark.
I sat there tamping down disturbing questions as the children disappeared among the tall grasses. Had they always lived this way? How did they eat and bathe? What did their parents do for work? Did they even
have
parents?
Mostly, I felt that someone should be intervening hereâthat someone being government agenciesâand I could not fathom why that was not happening.
Eventually, realizing that Lila and Joey were not going to emerge from the swamp grass, I put my sand-pelted car back in gear and rolled out of there. I pulled onto the Croatan Highway and headed north, longing for reassuring signs of civilization. The Dairy Queen. The Multiplex. The children who would be exiting the elementary school shielded from the wind under Dad's coat or holding hands with Grandma.
But the school was now deserted and dark, of course. Anyone with a lick of sanity would be taking cover from this storm at home. Mr. Winslow was right about his nor'easter. This monster was roaring into town with a fury.
The traffic light above my car blinked red as I looked to my right, wondering if the DQ was still open for a quick bite. Something teased the space at the edge of my headlightsâa rope wavering in the wind. The garland I'd strung around the street sign had come loose and now it was slicing through the air.
Again, that feeling that
somebody
should fix this, and in the rushing storm and flying sand I didn't want that somebody to be me . . . but there were no other cars on the road and it was my decoration, my responsibility. I threw the car into park, shielding my eyes from the sand as I stepped out of the car. My hair flipped around my face, blown straight up, plastered back and pulled to the side as I hurried to the sign and chased the dancing garland. I managed to catch it before it whipped me in the face, but the plastic tie-back was nowhere in sight.
Cowering in the wind, I gripped the garland and wondered if it all came down to thisâthis cheap tangle of plastic tinsel.
This
was the great demonstration of my work?
This
was my contribution to the community?
This
was the sum and measure of my life?
I yanked the string hard, once, twice, finally ripping it off the signpost. Tossing it on the seat beside me, I drove home locked in resolve to take two Tylenol P.M.s, change into my jams, and sip chicken soup till I passed out.