The End or Something Like That (14 page)

Nothing would ever be the same.

Ever.

I knew it.

But she didn't.

I knew it so bad that I sat in the bathroom Monday after I'd seen them at the store.

I sat in the first stall of a girls' bathroom, and I sat there and sat there and sat there.

I saw Kim in the hallway, she and Gabby were talking and they were waiting for me and I couldn't do it.

I couldn't do it.

So I turned and went the other way.

I skipped all three classes we had together.

Kim texted me. And called me and texted me.

And called.

Even Gabby texted around lunch.
R U OK? Kim is freaking out.

I sat there in the bathroom stall and memorized the wall.

Sally Henley is a b.

Call me!

U R A SUCKAZ.

I wondered who wrote
U R A SUCKAZ
. And Was I a suckaz? What made someone a suckaz?

•

I sat there all day and I waited until the janitor knocked on the door in the afternoon to come in to clean it. I waited that long to leave and then when he came in, I came out and he said, “Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was in here” and I said, “No one was in here.”

•

I avoided Kim.

•

Then the next day she collapsed.

Baylor walked fast, so fast I had to almost run to catch up.

It was tricky because we were both dodging people, though I wondered if he could walk through them if he wanted.

I also wondered why he was so anxious for me to get there on time. And then I wondered if this meant Dr. Ted Farnsworth had been the real thing the whole time.

Baylor even said, “You should have told me sooner,” and I said, “I tried to.”

And he said, “Sorry. Sometimes I'm not so good at letting people talk.”

We wove in and out and in and out until, before I could even think, we were standing under the gigantic Circus Circus sign.

“We're here,” he said.

I felt sick. So sick I thought I needed to sit down.

“You should go,” he said.

“You're not coming?”

He shook his head. “No. I don't think so.”

I swallowed. “Okay.”

Then he said, “I want to tell you something.”

I looked at him, trying to stop myself from shaking.

He took a long time to get his words together.

Finally he cleared his throat and said, “I wanted to tell you that I didn't die because of the loop part of the track on the roller coaster.”

I stared at him. He stared at me. “Do you understand?”

“No,” I said. “What are you talking about?”

“This is important. I didn't die because my physics was off. I died because I had an asthma attack and couldn't get the restraint back on in time.”

It took me awhile to respond because I didn't know what to say. This felt like a big deal. A very big deal.

He said, “Are you okay?”

I nodded. “Are you okay?”

And he said, “I am now.”

“You are now?”

And he said, “Do you believe me?”

And I said, “Why wouldn't I believe you?”

He smiled. He smiled huge and he said, “Thank you.”

And I said, “For what?”

And he said, “Just everything. I wish we'd known each other when I was alive.”

I felt myself get hot. “I wish that, too.”

He reached toward my cheek and I stiffened, which was stupid, but was he going to touch me?

He put his hand down. “Thank you,” and then he said something. He said, “You know your friend? The one from the funeral place?”

“Skeeter?”

He shrugged. “Whatever his name is.”

“Yeah.”

“I like him.”

“You like him?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I do.”

I had no idea what this had to do with anything.

“I have to go,” he said.

“Where are you going?”

And he said, “I will never ever ever forget you, okay? I will never forget you. I've always known you were special. And you just changed my life.”

“I what?”

But then it was too late.

He was gone.

There are a lot of things I don't understand.

Like the time I found my mom sobbing in the car in the garage. Or the time my brother, Joe, left the house for three days and no one said anything about it. Or the time Dad decided not to run the 10K he'd been training for eight months to do.

I don't understand why armpit hair grows so fast or why boys stand in groups and throw things at people.

I don't understand how you can be so close to someone, so close that they know you wet the bed until you were ten. And then feel so, so, so far away.

•

One time, my heart was floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean. The waves moving it up and down and up and down. The sun beating and I said,
Dear heart. I hate you. I hope you die.

•

I hope you die.

I stood in front of the casino too long.

Baylor was gone. People were going in and out. The whole world spinning. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Then I went inside Circus Circus to go find Dr. Ted Farnsworth.

If your best friend is long and skinny and boys start to notice her but not you because you blend into the dirt, you could get sad.

I'd been sad at her before.

Like one time I was sad because I don't even remember why but when she called I didn't answer the phone.

She left me three messages.

We were supposed to use the money we'd saved up to buy candy at Costco and then sell it out in front of my house.

I lay under my bed and back then I had pictures of boys who looked like Jared, my sort of boyfriend from Yellowstone, taped under the bed frame. I had problems.

She called again.

I let it ring.

It stopped and I thought, I am never, ever, ever leaving this bed unless it's to eat or go to the bathroom and they'll write a dramatic novel about me.

One minute later, Joe walked in.

“What are you doing?” He squatted down so he could see my face, but I didn't see his because I was closing my eyes.

“I'm meditating,” I said.

He said, “You're a freak show.”

I nodded.

Then he said, “Kim is coming to pick you up in five minutes with Trish.”

I looked at him. “She called you?”

“Yeah. Why does she have my cell number?”

I stared at his face. She had his number because one time we prank called him from Trish's cell, and Kim acted like she was a girl named Barbara with a deep voice and she wondered if he wanted to hang out and he was like, uh Barbara. Uh. Sure, Barbara. And Kim said, do you care if we kiss a bit.

I had to suck on a pillowcase to keep from laughing and he said, “Uh. I mean. Who is this?”

So that's why she had his cell number.

I told Joe, “Call her back and tell her I'm not going.”

“I'm not calling her back,” he said.

“Call her, please.”

He said. “No.” Then he said, ”What. Are you two in a fight?” A smile on his fat face.

We were not in a fight.

I was just sad at her.

That was one time and like I said, I don't even remember why.

•

But after Smiths. After she lied to me, I was more sad than I had ever been in my life.

Ever.

And I would always remember.

Always.

I thought, I will never ever talk to you again, Kim. I won't.

Is that funny? Ahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Because now she's dead and I can't get her to talk to me no matter how hard I try.

I was fifteen minutes late for Dr. Ted's presentation, but it looked like it didn't matter.

Outside Meeting Room A was a huge group of people.

Huge.

The same big blond-haired lady from last year was holding a clipboard and had on headphones and was yelling something that I couldn't hear.

“What's going on?” I asked a man standing next to me.

“He's a no-show,” the man said.

“What?”

“He ain't coming,” the man said. “The doctor.”

A lady in front of me yelled, “I drove here all the way from El Paso!”

The blond woman in charge did a huge whistle and everyone quieted.

“I'm sorry to all of you. I'm sorry for your trouble,” she said.

“To hell with our trouble,” someone yelled. “Where is he?”

I felt bad for the woman. This was a bad crowd. An angry crowd and I understood why. Dr. Ted Farnsworth made people crazy.

She shouted, “Dr. Farnsworth is feeling sick. He's very sick,” she said.

“Bull crap,” someone yelled.

“Get him out here. We paid good money!”

I stood.

“I'm so sorry,” she said again. “We'll make sure you all get your money back if you'll make an orderly line right here and sign your name and address.”

There was more swearing and yelling and the same lady with blue hair was there. She was yelling, too.

Dr. Ted Farnsworth was sick.

He was too sick to help these people cross over the veil.

They all moved to the wall to form an orderly line.

What do I do now?

Some days, actually day number two of avoiding your best friend who keeps texting you and texting you and texting you, on that day, your fake friend named Gabby finds you in the bathroom and asks you what's wrong.

On that day I ignore her and shove my way out the door.

On that day I eat corn dogs across the quad from them.

On that day in the middle of lunch, my best friend falls off her chair onto the cement, and Gabby screams and everyone gets quiet and she says, “Somebody!”

And on that day I take another bite of my corn dog.

Time slows down, a hot-air balloon overhead. The sounds.

I dip the corn dog in ketchup and I take a bite.

I think about that bite every day.

Gabby screaming.

Someone next to me saying, “What's going on?”

People standing up.

And I'm eating.

After I swallow the bite, I look over.

I stand up, too, like everyone else.

Gabby is yelling at me, I think. She's looking over at me and yelling, and I can't understand what she's saying, but I go there. I go over to where Kim is on the concrete.

I get to Kim and her body is on the ground and she is holding her arms to her chest and everything tight, like she has been frozen.

This has happened before. She's passed out before but this one is different. I can feel that this one is different.

Gabby is yelling things like, “Do something. Do something!” And people are standing around and then there is this portal of time when everything stops.

S T O P P E D.

•

One time, I jumped off the Stratosphere. Dad bought us all tickets and Joe said, “Emmy won't do it.”

“Yeah, I will,” I said.

Joe laughed.

So then I stood on the edge of the platform, and I looked down and my stomach dropped. The itty-bitty pinpoints below, the lights of the city, and I knew the wire was going to break, and I knew they'd have to scrape me off the ground, and I knew that I was wearing bad underwear.

I stood there and there were voices, Joe saying something. My mom telling him to be quiet. The man saying to take my time.

I stood there and I couldn't do it. I knew I couldn't do it.

So I closed my eyes.

I closed my eyes and held my breath, and then I took a step and right when I did it I tried to undo it, I tried to not do it, to turn around and not do it, but it didn't work.

I fell.

And in the middle of the air everything STOPPED. Everything in front of me, everything behind me, everything everywhere. STOPPED.

•

And then time came rushing back.

•

“HELP HER!” Gabby was screaming.

“Kim?”

I knelt down next to her. Touched her arm. “Kim?” I said. “Kim. Look at me. Kim.”

She didn't move.

“Kim.

“Breathe.

“Breathe.

“Breathe.”

“Is she dead?” Gabby sobbed. “Is she dead?”

I looked up at Gabby. Her and Skeeter and Tony and those idiots. Everyone I knew standing around. Tears were pouring down Gabby's cheeks. And they were all looking at me. I was Kim's best friend.

Me.

I looked back at Kim's face. Tried to focus.

What do I do?

And then it happened. I felt myself say, “Move away.”

For the first time in my life, people listened.

I got close to her ear and I whispered, “Come back. Come back, Kim.”

Right then I felt something. I felt something shift. The world or my body or her body or something between us shifted.

Right then, her mouth, her slack mouth, her frozen body moved. Something so small that I was probably the only one who saw it. Her terrorized body took a small breath and she whispered to me, “I love you.”

•

I love you.

•

And then there was the nurse and the paramedics and teachers and people yelling, and I got shoved back and I sat there and everything was blurry.

They pumped her chest hard. Pumping pumping.

“Get them out of here,” the paramedic yelled. “Clear out.”

Teachers voices in the distance, telling people to go to class, and I looked over and Gabby stood there.

Everyone moved away but her. She was alone and her arms were to her sides and she was alone. Standing over there.

They were pounding on Kim's chest and the whole world was quiet again.