Authors: Sara Seale
“
No, I don
’
t think so,
”
Mark said,
“
and you must remember, Miss Bea, they were all in that state of mind when it
’
s a relief to find something funny in anything.
”
“
Yes, perhaps. They are certainly very noisy. I remember when my dear father died we children were not allowed to raise our voices or even play games, out of respect for the dead.
”
“
Well, I don
’
t really think that attitude does much good. It
’
s very much better to be natural, and I don
’
t think your brother would have minded.
”
“
No, I don
’
t suppose he would.
”
She looked at him and her face was suddenly as shamed and embarrassed as a child
’
s.
“
Will it sound dreadful to you, Mark, if I say that though I loved my brother dearly, in a sense his death is a release for me? He and Kate, you see—between them I had no life of my own, and now, now I
’
m free to make my own decisions.
”
‘
Yes, I can quite understand that.
”
He spoke with great gentleness wondering if, after a life which had been so long repressed, she would be capable of making a decision at all.
“
You should try to get away sometimes,
”
he said.
“
With Brian at school, you and Clancy could visit and go about. It would be good for you both.
”
“
Perhaps I will,
”
she said, and looked at him oddly.
“
We might come to England for a little.
”
“
That would be delightful,
”
he said, his face impassive.
“
Kate spoke to me about Clancy before she left.
”
“
Yes?
”
“
She seemed to have an idea that—well, she seemed to think you might be fond of Clancy.
”
He was silent for a moment, then he said:
“
How would you feel about it if I said your sister was right?
”
“
I?
”
She looked surprised.
“
Why, of course I should be
delighted if—that is, if Clancy
—”
“
Returned the compliment?
”
Aunt Bea put a thin, tentative hand on his sleeve.
“
Dear Mark,
”
she said,
“
I have no right or wish to question you. I only want you to know that whatever you t
hink
is right regarding Clancy will satisfy me entirely.
”
“
Thank you, Miss Bea,
”
he said,
“
I
’
m very touched by your confidence in me.
”
“
There was a man who was once fond of me,
”
she said,
“
but he never spoke because he thought I was too young, and I—well, of course, I just thought he did not care enough. I wouldn
’
t—
”
her smile was apologetic,
“
—I would not like the same thing to happen to Clancy.
”
Mark
’
s answering smile was tender and reassuring.
“
It won
’
t,
”
he said gently,
“
it won
’
t, Miss Bea.
”
Upstairs in the schoolroom the three of the
m
were very quiet. After the former high spirits of the afternoon, reaction had set in, and a deep melancholy had settled upon them.
“
What a lot
’
s happened in the past year,
”
Clodagh said, idly shuffling the cards. They had abandoned their game of rummy and sat there in the twilight with the lamp still unlighted.
“
Mark coming, Conn and me getting married, and now Kilmallin. And who would have thought, a year ago, that Brian would be fit for school and a normal
l
ife?
”
“
That was Mark
’
s doing,
”
Conn said.
“
Agnes had her own way with those governesses for years. Do you remember, Clancy, what a fury you were in when you came over to Slievaun that day to tell me about the new English tutor?
”
“
Yes.
”
Clancy, from her favourite perch on the window-seat, stared out of the window and did not turn her head.
“
I remember you said he would be old— some little dried-up old professor who can hardly keep body and soul together, you said, and not worth my powder and shot, you said.
”
He laughed.
“
Instead of which you got Mr. Mark Cromwell, not old at all, and more than a match for your powder and shot as things turned out.
Clodagh peered across at her through the shadows, but it was too dark now to see each other
’
s faces, and she got up and sat down on the window-seat, flinging an arm round Clancy
’
s shoulders.
“
You
’
re fond of him, aren
’
t you?
”
she asked softly.
“
Fond?
”
Clancy considered the word and found it meaningless.
“
I
’
ll light the lamp,
”
she said.
Clodagh gave a little shiver and went and sat on her husband
’
s knee.
“
I
’
m feeling depressed,
”
she said, and snuggled her bright head into his shoulder.
He gave her a small kiss in the darkness.
“
They say it
’
s all part of the business,
”
he told her soothingly.
“
You
’
re tired, allanah, you
’
ll feel better tomorro
w...
”
Clancy lighted the lamp and turned it slowly up. She looked at them for a moment, seeing them with fresh eyes; Clodagh content in the protection which was her right, and Conn with that strange new tenderness in his face as he bent his red head to hers. They blinked in the light and Clancy watched them, feeling lonely and shut out.
“
I think I
’
ll go to bed,
”
she said.
“
Put the lamp out when you
’
re ready.
”
Safe in her own room, she stood looking at the glass snowstorm and Mark
’
s trinket-box lying together on the bedside table, her two most treasured possessions. She took the globe and shook it slowly, while, with her other hand, she raised the lid of the box. The plaintive, brittle little time tinkled its way to the end and
sh
e flung herself across the bed and wept bitterly.
Conn and Clodagh went home the next day, laden with honey and butter and eggs from the home farm.
“
You must feed up, dear,
”
Aunt Bea told her,
“
I believe that
’
s very important at this stage. And Clodagh, when you tell your mother, I shouldn
’
t mention that we—that I knew first.
”
“
Dear Aunt Bea!
”
Clodagh gave her aunt a hug.
“
How clever you are. I
’
ll let Mother write the news to you herself. Good-bye. Good-bye, Clancy, come and see us soon. It
’
s a pity you don
’
t sew or knit, new aunts are expected to contribute lots of things. But you can buy me the small garments of fiction out of your new inheritance.
”
“
I will,
”
said Clancy, laughing.
“
I
’
ll buy you the finest layette Dublin can produce.
”
“
Oh, mother
’
s sure to see to that,
”
grimed Clodagh.
“
You
’
d much better buy me something decorative for my lying-in.
”
“
How absurd you are! I can
’
t imagine you a parent at all! Good-bye, darling—Conn, take care of her.
”
Mark took them to the station, but Clancy did not accompany them. She begged a packet of sandwiches from Mary Kate in the kitchen and set off to spend a long day on her own. She had a great desire to visit Grania
’
s Cave and sit in the heather and listen to the larks and be alone in the
hills
and the sweeping waste of moorland. Her bout of crying the night before had left her void and emptied of emotion, and a lassitude held her so that she walked slowly, and was glad to reach the mouth of the cave and stretch her limbs in the sun.
There was a little stream which trickled from somewhere in the
hills
and wound past the mouth of the cave. She knelt beside it in the heather and cupped her hands to drink, then she splashed the cool, clear water over her face, and remained there, kneeling, and letting the stream run over her hands and wrists.
“
Are you looking for your future husband again with the stream for a mirror?
”
asked a voice behind her, and she jumped.
She had not heard him come, for the noise of the stream was loud in her ears. He took out a clean handkerchief and gently wiped her wet face and hands.
“
Did you know I was here?
”
she asked.
“
I guessed you might be. Grania
’
s Cave is one of your special places, isn
’
t it?
”
She nodded and he sat down in the heather beside her.
“
I think it
’
s special for me, too. I want to talk to you, Clancy, and I want to talk to you here, where once, I think, I unwittingly hurt you.
”
But he did not continue for some time, but sat looking into the stream, and Clancy, watching him, noted the tired lines at the
corner
s of his eyes and wanted to touch the little fine, fair hairs which grew at his temples.
Suddenly he turned and looked at her, a long, direct look which caught her off her guard.
“
That day up here, I
’
m afraid you mistook what I said to you,
”
he said.
“
I think I said that certain things a man might say are best forgotten for a little while. I was clumsy, but I only meant that then I thought the time wasn
’
t right, that you were not ready, but you thought I didn
’
t want you, didn
’
t you?
”
All the unhappiness of the past weeks welled up within her and kept her dumb, and he took her hands in his.
“
Do you remember, Clancy, I once told you that one day it would no longer matter to you that your father had wanted you to be a boy?
”
“
No.
”
“
You asked me when that would be, and I told you when you married—when some man would thank heaven you were bo
rn
a girl and not a boy.
”
She remembered now, and tried to pull away her hands, but he held them more tightly.
“
Don
’
t you think I told you the truth now?
”
The colour came into her pale cheeks.
“
Why now?
”
she asked.
“
Because—Clancy, you little rebel, do you think you could ever make an alliance with the English?
”
She sat very still and her strange smoky eyes focused on something far away.
“
Grania O
’
Malley made an alliance with the English,
”
she said gravely.
“
She came to Galway—perhaps to this very cave, and offered Sir Henry Sidney her fleet of three galleys and two hundred men in the service of England, and that after the English had proclaimed her an outlaw and put a price of five hundred pounds on her head.
”
His eyes twinkled suddenly.
“
That was certainly magnanimous of her. Could you be as generous, do you think?
”
She looked at
him
with great and unexpected tenderness.
“
I could always be generous to you, Mark,
”
she said.
“
What do you want of me?
”
For a moment he was shaken out of his intention not to hurry her. He was humble and demanding and fiercely protective together, and he pulled her roughly into his arms and kissed her upturned mouth.
“
I want you,
”
he told her.
“
I want to look after you for the rest of my life and teach you what you can mean to at least one man.
”
She turned to him with sudden passion.
“
I only want to learn what I mean to you,
”
she said.
“
Oh, Mark, I
’
ve been so wretched
thinking
of you going away. I knew you had to go—you would never be like Conn, turning
his
back on his calling for Clodagh. When,
”
she asked with shyness,
“
when did you begin to love me?
”
“
So long ago,
”
he said,
“
when you looked
in
the mirror on New Year
’
s Eve and were so startled when you saw me—no, on your birthday, when you were so gallant and so hurt—perhaps even when you were a tiresome little girl in the schoolroom, abusing the English—I don
’
t know. And then you were so ill and I thought I might lose you, and
—”
“
Why didn
’
t you tell me before?
”
she asked, and ran exploratory fingers over his face.
“
Because
—”
He caught her fingers and kissed them.
“
Oh, so many reasons! Could you live in England, my darling? Could you leave Kilmallin?
”
“
I think so,
”
she said gravely.
“
I think I could live anywhere with you, Mark.
”
“
And be a schoolmaster
’
s wife, behaving decorously with parents and scrubby little boys? Clancy darling—
”
he began to laugh
“
—do you think you could ever bear to change your name to Cromwell?
”
She snuggled her head into his shoulder as she had seen Clodagh do last night with Conn, and a great peace filled her and she knew that she had come home. She paused a moment, then said primly:
“
It
’
s a cross I
’
ll have to bear.
”
She lifted her face again to his.
“
I love you,
”
she said simply.
Above them a lark had risen, trilling in pe
r
petual gladness, and the stream ran with noisy chatter at their feet.