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I found a lot of Truths. But I was still hungry — and it’s that hunger teaches many things. So I kept looking. And one day was fortunate. I saw a simple, quiet Truth, a profound, deep, personal Truth of beauty and love.
It came down on Nicole what an expression like “horrible los really meant. It was throwing away the most valuable thing in life. It was knowing you had to live next to something larger your own life. In this case, it was knowing that Gary was goin
She didn’t have any decent razor blades, and considered going next door to borrow one, but thought that might be too suspicious. So she broke open a Daisy Shaver, a kind of disposable plastic dingus, cracked it with a steak knife and got the blade loose. Then wrapped it in some notebook paper, and put it in her bra. She thought if she didn’t move around too much it would be safe and not cut her. She felt strange leaving the kids over to a friend’s house, but set out to hitchhike to the jail. A couple of guys picked her up.
She began to think there was not even a minute when stopped loving him, not for a minute. Not a minute of her day which the guy was not in her mind. That she liked. She liked was inside of her. But it was spooky. She would take in a breath recognize that she was falling more and more in love with a guy was going to be dead.
One was an ex-con, and he was really foulmouthed. Kinda cute. He talked real rough, and kept asking if she wasn’t worried that he and his buddy would take her up in the mountains, rape her, cut her throat. Nicole kind of laughed at them. Here she had this blade in her bra, all set to take care of the job herself.
One night Tom Dynamite came over, but she couldn’t bring
to screw him. That surprised her. Sex had nothing to do with Gary. was just that this night she had been thinking about him so hard didn’t want to separate herself from the pleasure of continuing think about him. Somehow, she got Tom to sleep on the floor next the couch where she always lay down, and Nicole even put on Tom’s shoulder in gratitude while they slept. He left in the ing without waking her.
On opening her eyes, she remembered that even while asleep, she had decided to kill herself in the morning. She with the same thought. She sat as quietly as a bird not moving in | nest.
Anyway, they dropped her off by the jail without further ado. Of course, when she told them she was going to visit her bey friend, and the ex-con recognized the name, he had to make a smart-ass remark. “Well,” he said, “he’s going to get a little lead poisoning.” That cracked Nicole up. She didn’t feel bad laughing about Gary. She knew he would have laughed over it too.
She went over to the back, and hollered a couple of times and somebody else finally answered her and said Gary was in another cell. Then she heard him, so faintly, trying to holler back. The cops came and threatened to arrest her. Of course, she didn’t give a fuck.
This time, they took her around to the front and kept her inside for a half hour, and she made herself right at home, using the floor for an ashtray, laughing at their threats, she didn’t give one shit. They could let her go, or lock her up. Without female cops they couldn’t shake her down, and she still had the razor.
If she died first, Gary would soon be with her. He had told that. She didn’t know where she would be then, or what else happen, but she would be with him on the other side. His love be so strong that she would be attracted to him like a magnet. would be like the magnet that pulled her to him the day she him in jail. After a while, they let her go. On the way out she noticed a small cement tunnel that went under the freeway. It was just a few feet in width and dark enough so you couldn’t see far. She crawled in, and it was sure dark. Her sleeves were relied up over her biceps, but she pulled them up further, and then cut herself as hard as she could right across the vein and the artery. It was a good feeling. Really Warm, really bleeding and splashing on the cement. She could feel
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blood running down her arm and it was hot, and good. She liked way it felt, kind of soothing. There was so much going on. Like ocean was coming into the tunnel. She could see the opening she had come in, and all the light Nicole could see in the world in the circle of that hole.
She sat there, and the nice warm feeling changed. She be getting sick. Then she was nauseated. Started shaking .all over. wasn’t cold but she was shaking. There was blood all over the ment. Every nice long slow thought faded, and now she didn’t feel if she was slipping into something warm, but as if everything getting colder. She didn’t like that. But she made herself sit. made herself lie down and try to go to sleep. Then she tried to herself into not moving. Just stay there until it was over.
Finally, she thought, I got to get to a doctor. At least, I got That’s the best I can do, is give it a good try. Then I can dying.
She got up, and couldn’t even walk straight, and kept feeling was going to pass out. She would walk a few steps, and spots come in front of her eyes, and she’d squat. But it was just a little from the jail, and she made it back over, and there was a cop ing a truck, wasn’t even in uniform. She told him she’d been ing a chain-link fence and slipped and showed him how her shirt bloody. He took her down to the Utah Valley Hospital.
The doctor didn’t believe her shit about climbing a fence. said, Looks like a pretty sharp thing did the job. Asked she bled, was it a pint or a quart. She said, well, she didn’t what a pint or a quart was. Not when it was running out of you. took her blood pressure, and she began to feel better, and home. By the time she got back, she was sick to her stomach couldn’t really stand up without getting dizzy. Slept a lot. In morning she found out they were mad out at the jail and had her right to visit.
August Fucked me up that I couldn’t see you today — these chickenshi pricks. Give a motherfucker a little authority and they think have to start taking privileges away from people.., bunch jawed fizz-gurgling come-drunk punks.
Nicole went to bed with Cliff Bonnors the night after she got home from the hospital. Her arm was stitched and it hurt like hell. All the time she was making love she kept thinking that if she didn’t watch out it would start bleeding again. Night after, she found herself in bed with Tom Dynamite. Same damned thing Her arm hurt like a fucker, and it got to her. She had to stop making love.
Sometimes she was convinced Gary could hear her think. It wasn’t that she thought it was right or wrong to be doing this while Gary was in jail, it’s just that it came over her how it might seem peculiar to be in love with a man and still make it with guys on the outside. She had never experienced this feeling before. That it was important to be faithful. Something she had to ponder.
She finally decided to test the water, and say something in a let ter. She decided to use Kip as an example. Kip, of all people, had dropped in on her almost a month ago. He had changed so much, she told Gary in the letter, that she couldn’t believe it. Kip had become a Mormon. Now he would get naked and play with her, but he wouldn’t go to bed. It was like he had become the cock-teaser, not her. That was really freaky.
One morning, for instance, Kip went to an LDS church right down the street, and came back all dressed up in his Sunday pants, all fired up with religion. He was planning to go to the evening ser vices but she started fooling around with him. Before she was done she made Kip cream his pants. That messed him up. The pants were so wrinkled and wet, he couldn’t go to church.
Well, she told Gary a little of that in her letter. Wanted tO see what sort of reaction she would get. After all, it had happened weeks ago, and wasn’t important. But Gary simply ignored it.
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Sheriff Cahoon wasn’t surprised when Gary asked if he could come out and talk. Cahoon even took him into the front room and they sat
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by the desk. Had a nice friendly conversation. Gary said he agreed with Sheriff Cahoon on the way the place should be run and to come to some agreement on what was expected from him and Nicole. Well, said Cahoon, he wanted Gary’s lady to come and ladylike, not create no problems. Come decently dressed. When saw the spark in Gary’s eye he remarked that, of course, her dress wasn’t that far out. Her attitude was creating the problem. Gary agreed they could arrive at an understanding. Cahoon said the having a good one, and he would permit Gary a phone call to to notify Nicole she was reinstated.
On the next visit, she told Gary about using the razor blade the underpass. She had tried and couldn’t do it. Scared of dying. told her it was very hard to bleed to death. Most people who tried got sick. It was one of the hard ways to die.
She had a bandage on, but he finally asked her to show stitches. Then said, “That’s a fucking deep cut,” and the tone through her like praise, as if he had said, “Baby, you did that
He never did mention Kip.
Having agreed to these visits, Cahoon got concerned all again. Gilmore and his girl friend were having the damnedest spondence. One letter actually talked about how she cut her felt the warm blood dripping. Heard it make a puddle on the The guard who brought it to Sheriff Cahoon said, “What kind sage is this to be writing to a guy on First-Degree Murder?”
Cahoon sure read it carefully. Nicole kept talking about the sword and life after death. How they would have a better kind with the silver sword. She wrote about going up to the spot she had been bleeding and the rain had washed most of the away. Since she was always bringing him books, Cahoon ” one of them, and it was all about the hereafter. How to
It made the guards so nervous that next visit when turned around from talking to Gary and went to reach into her ‘ for .. cigette, the officer on watch was so jumpy he actually her wrist. It was that silver sword she kept talking about.
Cahoon was debating whether to stop her visits again, sudden, she stopped coming to the jail. Her letters also stopped.
Nicole had decided to take the plunge. At the end of a long letter to Gary that had been full of love, she put in a couple of sentences at the end to say how pointless it was that she spent so much time-and she wrote it right out- “getting fucked.” Had to know what he thought.
September 5 I just read your letter. It’s a long and beautiful letter and full of love. But on page 5 you said “it’s such an ugly thing to do. I spend so much time either getting drunk or getting fucked.” I felt like I had been hit or something—a cold numbness moved thru me and I couldn’t go on reading the letter for a few minutes. Nicole, don’t ever tell me anything like that again unless you want to hurt me. I don’t want anybody to fuck you and I try not to think of that—I do pretty good until you write and tell me.
She felt as if somebody had socked her right on the side of the head. She could hear his voice ringing in her brain. It spoke in a terrible anger, as if he was capable of biting his teeth clear through his tongue. He didn’t want her ever to get with a guy again. Didn’t want to have those thoughts in his head. “Everybody fucks Nicole,, said his voice in her head. “Don’t luck those cocksuckers. It makes me want to commit murder again. If I feel like murder it doesn’t necessarily matter who gets murdered — don’t you know that about me?” Way inside, a part of her felt extraloving. It was that important to him.
After all, it had never been important to her. Easier to let things happen than tell a guy to leave you alone. It was kind of a relief now to have a reason for saying no. Of course, it wasn’t that easy to turn away Cliff or Tom Dynamite. She would explain, “I’m not here with you anymore, I’m with somebody else.” They understood, Cliff particularly. That didn’t keep them from still trying to get it on. She did need company.
Once or twice it was really hard to tell them to go home. Besides, other people kept dropping over. Dudes out of the past. It wasn’t that
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she couldn’t say no, it was that they were expecting it to be like the last time. She didn’t want to stand in front of them and scream, “Get out of my life.” They hadn’t done her any harm.
She had to figure it out. So she didn’t visit the jail, or write. She wanted to wait until she could tell him she loved him enough to be able to do what he asked.
Gary was so quiet over the next few days that it got ominous. Ca-hoon decided he was too morbid and needed company, so he moved over a prisoner named Gibbs from the main tank. They had both done so much time, they might get along.
Cahoon noticed that soon as he shut the bars, they started a con versation in jail talk. It was that gibberish talk. Use a word like rigger to say nigger. Show the other fellow how many years you put in by carrying on a whole conversation. Cahoon didn’t try to get it all. If they said lady from Bristol, that meant pistol, and he would have to get concerned, but Gilmore was talking of ones and twos, and those were shoes. “Yeah,” said Gilmore to Gibbs, “A nice pair to go with my fleas and ants.”
“You still got to think,” said Gibbs, “of your bunny and boat.”
“Fuck the goat,” said Gilmore, “let me stroll in with a dickery dick.”
“That’s right, it could juice the chick.”
Cahoon left. They were just doing time. He thought they made a cute couple. Both had Fu Manchu goateesl It was just that Gilmore was a lot bigger than Gibbs. Like cat and mouse. Hell, like cat and rat.
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There were only three things in the world Gibbs could honestly say he had any feeling for: children, kittens, and money. Been on his own since he was 4. When 17, he wrote and cashed $7,ooo worth of checks in a month and bought himself a new car. Always had new