The Fallen Woman (A Regency Romance) (19 page)

“Please!” she squealed. “Please stop saying such nice things! You’re only making this more difficult!”

Tristan raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. “Leona, what’s wrong? What has you on the verge of tears? If you think you’ve disappointed me, I--”

“No! But I
will
disappoint you!” she yelled. Pulling her hand away from him, Leona ran to his bed and buried her face in his blankets. “You’ll hate me.”

“Didn’t you hear what I said?” Tristan asked, sitting beside her on the bed. “You don't need to be intimate with me at all, if you don't want to. I like having you as a companion. That’s enough for me.”

“That’s not what I want!” Leona bellowed into his blankets. “You… you don’t understand! You know nothing about me!” Timidly, she raised her head and met his gaze. “There’s something I need to tell you, Tristan. There’s a confession I need to make. I’m going to tell you… everything.” As she spoke, two tears fell simultaneously from each eye. She still didn’t know what it felt like to have a broken heart, because hers felt
crushed
, far worse than broken. Just the thought of telling him everything was enough to decimate her spirit. Would she ever be the same again? Would he ever look at her again? Would he treat her like her father treated her? Would her life ever be livable again?

Tristan was afraid to speak. The fear in Leona’s eyes made him reluctant to press her.

Leona looked down at her hand. She could still feel his lips on her skin, and it felt so nice. She doubted she would ever feel that way again. “Tristan, I…” She needed to do it. Tristan deserved to know the truth. “Before you met me, I… was with another man.”

“Oh.” Tristan’s own heart felt like it was punched. “There’s someone else. You’re in love with someone else.”

“No… please don’t make assumptions. I don’t love him. I was… foolish. I was foolish and stupid and silly, I learned my lesson, and I’m going to pay for it.”

Tristan’s jaw was twitching uncontrollably, but he managed to ask, “What do you mean?”

“His name was Lord Wintergreen, and I let him take advantage of me. He took me back to his house, and I let him have his way with me.”

Tristan closed his eyes and tried his best to soak it all in. He didn’t know what else to say. He just listened.

“A little while later, Lord Wintergreen left London for good. But… he left me with something else.” Leona swiped her cheeks, which were wet with tears. Every time she opened her mouth, tears were falling softly. “I’m carrying his baby.”

Tristan didn’t move. He didn’t even appear to be breathing.

“My father arranged a quick marriage to you, because he thought I could make you believe the baby was yours. It was my father’s plan, but… I guess I’m just as guilty as he is. Well…I suppose the bulk of the guilt lies with
me
, if you think about it.”

Tristan said, a bit coldly, “That explains a lot, actually.”

“I intended to go along with my father’s plan, even though I hated it,” Leona’s tears were falling harder now—and faster. “But I hated it even more after I had a chance to know what a good man you are, Tristan. I know you can’t forgive me, but… I hope you realize how hard it is to tell you the truth, and respect me for it.”

Tristan raked a hand across his face, rubbing his eyes. Was he crying? She couldn’t tell.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me. I know you’ll hate me for the rest of your life, but at least I won’t hate myself for lying to you.”

Tristan mumbled something, but Leona couldn’t make it out. Whatever he was trying to say, she knew it couldn’t be good.

“I can leave Randall Hall, if you want me to. I’ll understand if you don’t want me to be here anymore. Now that you know everything there is to know about me, I’m sure it would be impossible to think of me as your wife,” Leona said calmly, trying hard to collect herself. “I can go back to my father. I don’t know what he’d do, but--”

“Don’t be silly.” Tristan’s voice, deep and angry, interrupted her. “If you think for one second I’d let you go back to that man, you don’t know
me
at all.”

“I really do care about you, Tristan. I would apologize to you a thousand times if I thought it would help!”

Tristan, acting like he didn’t hear those last words, rose from the bed and said, “I need time to think about everything you’ve told me.”

“You don’t hate me?”

“No, I don’t. But I feel like I’d rather be alone right now, if you don’t mind.”

Leona slid from the bed and forced her legs to carry her to the other end of the room. There were so many things she still wanted to say to him, but she wondered if they’d do more harm than good. She opened up the door and ran from Tristan’s room, not knowing when, or if, she would ever see him again. She wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to see her face again, or if he was gone in the morning.

She hated herself for hurting the only man she ever loved.

Chapter Twenty Two

“But it’s true, Mary! I
do
love him!” Leona sobbed. Ever since her confession to Tristan the previous night, she just couldn’t stop crying.

Mary sat on the bed beside her mistress, stroking her hair, trying to give her some comfort. She admired Leona’s courage, but she didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t as if Leona confessed something minor. She’d shared another man’s bed, was having another man’s child, and got married to Tristan with the intent to trick him. It was an awful lot to confess, and it would be an awful lot to forgive.

“It’s not the sort of love I dreamed about as a child,” Leona went on, wiping her soggy nose. “It’s not the sort of love that leaves you completely infatuated. It’s stronger than that. I have such a deep respect and admiration for him. I… I feel comforted by his face.”

Mary took Leona’s handkerchief, which was already wet with tears, and handed her another one.

“But how could I ever hope to earn
his
respect after everything I’ve done? He’ll never respect me. How could he? I wouldn’t blame him if he hated me for the rest of his life!”

“I’m sure he doesn’t hate you, Miss.”

“Of course he hates me! He would have to be a saint to forgive me! I lied to him, Mary! I withheld unforgivable secrets!” Leona sobbed. “Tricking him was bad enough… I feel like I’ve traded one devastation for another. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me. My life is ruined! Everything is horrible! Ohhhhhh!” She smashed her head against her pillow and bellowed deeply.

Mary rubbed Leona’s shoulder. What else could she do?

“I should just dive out the window and save him the misery of having a harlot for a wife!”

“I wish you wouldn’t say things like that,” Mary quietly protested.

“All I can do is lie in here and cry and wallow in self-pity. This time, you can’t blame me for being sad! No woman should ever have to experience what it feels like to be hated by the man she loves. How will I ever look at his face again? How can I look at him and not feel overcome with shame?”

“The viscount seems like a kind man, my lady, and I can see he cares about you very much. I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to feel that way about yourself.”

“Maybe he cared about me… but I’m sure any feelings he might have had for me are destroyed.”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

Slowly, Leona peeled her face away from her pillow. For some reason, Mary’s excessive optimism wasn’t making her feel any better today. If anything, it made her feel worse. Any encouragement would only give Leona a false sense of a security—and false hope. “Say what you will, Mary, but I am completely without hope.”

“No… you should never lose hope, my lady,” Mary disagreed. “Change happens every day. You never know what could happen.”

* * *

“There’s no hope,” said Andrew. “None at all.”

If it was possible to groan in silence, Tristan was doing it. He had been listening to Andrew talk about his failure to impress Mary for nearly an hour. Tristan tried to lend an ear, but everything Leona said to him was weighing heavily on his mind. He hadn’t breathed a word of Leona’s confession to Andrew, and he didn’t intend to. He wasn’t the sort of man to let others in on his private affairs.

Andrew, on the other hand—

“I think she might despise me,” Andrew continued. “It’s all because I was spouting off something that was meant for your ears only. What exactly did I say? That she was homely or some such nonsense? Well, she’s not homely.”

“Do you really want my advice, Andrew?”

His friend nodded.

“You want my advice on how to seduce my wife’s maid?”

He nodded again.

“My advice is
don’t
. I won’t encourage you to seduce and deceive some poor girl.”

“But… I’m not trying to seduce and deceive her.”

Tristan closed the book he’d been reading—or rather, had been attempting to read. Ever since Andrew came knocking on his door, he couldn’t remember a single word he read. “If you’re not seducing her or deceiving her, what do you call it? You don’t
really
like her… and it’s not like you would ever consider marrying her.”

“Marry a maid? Don’t be ridiculous! First of all, my father would kill me…”

“Then you’re deceiving her, plain and simple,” Tristan said. “If you get her to submit to you, what else is left for her? Would you make her your mistress? If you bedded her, I’m sure you’d tire of her the next day. Your challenge would be over.”

“That’s a very mean thing to say!”

“But I know you too well, Andrew. I know what sort of man you are when it comes to women,” Tristan said. “I’m not trying to insult you. You know you’re like a brother to me… but I wish you’d use some discretion before you set out to break the hearts of unsuspecting females.” Tristan ran a finger along the binding of his book, sighing. He couldn’t believe he was talking to Andrew about Andrew’s romantic exploits, when Tristan’s own life was far more turbulent at the moment.

“Well… you’re very mistaken in this case, Randall. I really do care for her!” Andrew professed. “You don’t believe me?”

Tristan chose to remain silent on the matter.

“You don’t think I could have real feelings for a woman who isn’t the epitome of beauty? Is that what you’re thinking?”

“I wasn’t thinking anything of the sort.”
“Well…” Andrew got up and started pacing the room, his thoughts at a standstill. “To be honest, I… I have no idea why I’m so interested in her. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s the challenge that tempts me. I’ve never met a woman so openly disinterested in me.”

“The fact that she overheard you saying her appearance is
ghastly
doesn’t help matters, I’m sure. Perhaps that adds to the challenge?”

Andrew sighed. “I’m afraid you’re right, Tristan. Everything you’ve said is true, isn’t it? I’m an awful man, and I’m wooing her to sate my ego. I can’t let a woman reject me.”

Tristan shrugged.

“Well, be that as it may, there’s something about her that just… I… I don’t know.” Andrew looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. “When I’m next to her, I feel like I have no right to call myself a gentleman. She makes me want to be a better man.”

“Impressive,” Tristan said with a chuckle.

“I’ll just have to try harder,” Andrew said. “And so will you.”

Tristan sat up in his chair. “Me? What do you mean?”

“Well… Leona’s been in her room all morning, and I think I heard her crying,” Andrew explained. He started inching toward the door, in case Tristan felt compelled to throw something at him for sticking his nose where it didn’t belong. “I have no idea what’s going on between the two of you, but it sounds like you could be doing better.”

“Leona was crying?”

“I believe so,” Andrew said with a nod. “And quite profusely at that.”

“Then
I’m
an awful man too,” Tristan said, moving past Andrew to get to the door.

Andrew, surprised by Tristan’s dash for the door, followed the viscount out of the library. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you move so quickly. Are you sure the doctors are right about you?”

“You don’t understand, Andrew.” With a slight grin on his lips, Tristan turned to look at his friend. “A man on a mission mustn’t tarry.”

Chapter Twenty Three

When he knocked on the door to Leona’s bedchamber, it was Mary who answered.

“Um… good morning, my lord.” Her eyes flickered over to Andrew, who was standing beside the viscount. “Or… is good afternoon more appropriate?”

“Either one is fine, Mary.” He tried to peer over Mary’s shoulder for any sign of Leona, but he didn’t see her. “I’m here to have a word with my wife. Is she present?”

“Um… no. I mean… yes. She’s in here, but… I don’t know if she wants any guests at the moment. I…”

“It’s alright, Mary.” Somewhere in the room, Leona spoke up. “I’ll talk to him.”

“Oh… right… I, um…” Mary hovered in the doorway, reluctant to leave her mistress in such a troubled state.

“You can go, Mary,” Leona spoke. “Thank you for tolerating me.”

Tristan turned to Andrew. “I’m banishing you as well,” he told his friend. “And don’t even think of eavesdropping.”