Chapter Eighteen
Veronica loved it when the house was full of people, and tonight it was packed to the rafters. She had been baking for two days, and she stood happily watching all the food she had prepared being wolfed down by her sons and their friends. The music was loud and the chatter was louder, everyone was there, even that fucker Bantry, which showed just how much her son was esteemed. And why wouldn't he be? He was a man in the making. But for all that, he respected his mother and wasn't afraid to show it.
Young Christine looked gorgeous, and Veronica smiled sadly as she watched the girl being the belle of the ball. She wanted to tell her that she should enjoy it while she could. It wouldn't last. Life wasn't that good to females - once they produced children that was enough for the likes of her Phillip. She felt such a sorrow at the girl's inevitable demise. After all, Veronica had been Christine's age when she had married and, like this child, she had been happy about it. But a small part of her knew that Christine Booth would one day regret her alliance with her son, would live to rue the day she had snatched the chance of freedom, the chance to leave her mother's claustrophobic love behind her. But Veronica wouldn't say any of that, of course; this wasn't the time or the place. It was the girl's birthday party, and that was why they were all there in the first place.
She observed her son Phillip as he looked at his young lady, saw the desire that almost burned his eyes out, saw the way she affected him. It was unnatural, his need to be with her - it would result in his needing to control her. For the first time she admitted to herself that it wasn't healthy. Her son had always been far too determined for his own good, had always got what he wanted no matter what the price. Veronica had a feeling he would never change. She liked this little girl of his, but she was frightened for her because she sensed Christine wasn't strong enough to look after herself, especially now Phillip had set his cap at her. He was as controlling as Eileen, only the girl couldn't see any of that yet. All Christine saw was Phillip's handsome face and the novelty of her first sexual encounter. She was mixing up love and lust, and she wasn't the first girl to do that. She was enjoying her party and the freedom that being with Phillip now afforded her, but she didn't understand that this freedom was not real, that she only had it because he chose to give it to her, because it brought her closer to him and what he wanted. It would come at a price, a price she would eventually have to pay.
The doorbell went and Eileen Booth was welcomed into the house, followed by her husband. As she walked towards her daughter, all smiles and heavy perfume, an expensive present in her well-manicured hands, Veronica knew that the young girl's fate was well and truly sealed. Now that Eileen had accepted the situation, warning bells were sounding inside Veronica's head. She felt guilty though for the thoughts she was having about her son and his impact on this young girl's life. She watched the proceedings with a sick feeling inside her gut, but she knew it was far too late to do anything about it.
As her son slipped the diamond ring on Christine's finger and beamed happily at the people gathered around, she turned away abruptly and went out into the garden. Her lovely home was suddenly alien to her, she saw it for the pretence it really was, and she saw the truth of her own situation in stunning clarity. As she smoked a cigarette she wondered at what had come over her. Questioned her thoughts and the disloyalty of them.
'You all right, Mum?' Phillip's voice was quiet. She hadn't noticed him follow her out.
She forced a smile on to her face.' 'Course I am, I'm just hot, son, hot and tired.' She could hear the forced joviality in her voice, and it saddened her even further.
'I'll look after her, Mum, don't worry about it. I know we're young, but this feels right. I'll never hurt her. I couldn't.'
Veronica smiled gently. 'Oh, Phillip, you're a good lad, but as my mother used to say, don't make promises you can't keep.'
Chapter Nineteen
'How can I be pregnant? It can't be right.' Christine's voice was soft and the fear was already making her light-headed.
Phillip laughed gently beside her in the bed. 'It happens, Chris, especially when you start having sex.'
'But we used protection, Phil, you said we were safe.'
Phillip sighed. Secretly he was over the moon at her news. He would never tell her that he had often slipped the condom off during their more passionate encounters. That he had deliberately set out to get her pregnant. He knew that she was not in the right frame of mind to understand his reasoning. So instead he said soothingly, 'It happens, love, and if you think about it, I ain't running away from the news, am I? I ain't leaving you to your own devices like my poor sister Breda was left. I am going to stick by you, Christine. I want to marry you and give my child a name. It'll just be sooner than we anticipated, that's all.'
Christine didn't know how to answer him, she was still terrified out of her wits. If he left her now she would be destroyed. But he was reassuring her of his devotion, so why wasn't she happy?
Phillip could feel her indecision, had expected it. He knew she would be disturbed by a pregnancy; although this was the eighties, she was still a girl who wanted to do things properly. But he wanted her for himself and this would guarantee that happened sooner rather than later. Her mother would have the marriage arranged in nanoseconds, she would not want her baby having an illegitimate child. By marrying Christine he would become a hero overnight as far as that old bitch was concerned. Inside himself he knew that he had forced this decision on her, but he overlooked that by telling himself this would have happened at some point anyway. His feelings for Christine overrode everything else in his life. He had taken her virginity and he had sworn to keep her beside him no matter what. No other female could make a dent in his heart, he didn't want or need anyone other than her. She was his all.
He hugged her to him again, almost suffocating her with the strength of his arms, his embrace. He understood her fears. She was only sixteen; a baby was a serious event at any age, let alone for someone so young. 'Look, Chris, I know you wanted to go to college, or university, whatever. But you are having a lovely little baby. Our baby. Like the Bible says, when I was a child I thought like a child, when I became a man I put away childish things. I have to look after you and the baby now, don't I? It's not like we can do anything about it, is it? We're Catholics, we have to make this into something good. I'll marry you, and we'll be happy and so will our baby. We'll have a great life, the three of us, you wait and see. We'll buy a little house and we'll show the world that we are meant to be together. That we can give our kid a good life.'
She nodded then, unable to speak with the emotion inside herself. The enormity of what had happened to her was suddenly crushing down on her. The knowledge that her life as she knew it was finished overwhelmed her. All her so-called independence had just been wiped out as if it had never happened. She was too young to have a baby, too young and too frightened. She wanted to have a life first, have some real freedom. She had wanted them to have a few years together, go abroad, experience the world. Now she was just another girl who had got caught out, another teenage mum dependent on everyone around her again. It was so unfair. There was no abortion for her, and she wouldn't, couldn't do something like that even if it was possible. She would never be able to live with herself; after all, this child had a right to life. It was what she had been brought up to believe, and believe it she did. Phillip's attendance at Mass was all her mother had ever found in his favour. He was a good Catholic, everyone in his family was, even Breda in her own way.
But Christine was not happy about this child at all. She had wanted to marry Phillip more than anything in the world until now, until this second. Now she felt trapped.
Maybe the hormones were affecting her already. After all, she had given up everything and everyone in her life for just this moment, and now it was here she was plagued with doubt. Her terror was so real it was almost physical. She actually felt sick with apprehension, but that could be the result of her pregnancy. Women felt sick in the early stages, that was how they knew they had a child inside them. It was the morning sickness that had alerted her to her predicament in the first place.
Christine felt Phillip squeeze her once more until she was almost melded into his body. He always held her to him with a strength that until now had made her feel safe and secure, but suddenly his embrace felt claustrophobic; it reminded her that she was now his, wholly and for ever. The intensity of his feelings for her felt wrong somehow, felt unnatural. She had a deep sense of foreboding that his love for her would overpower everything she wanted. And guarantee she would never again be her own person.
As if he was aware of her sudden reluctance, Phillip tightened his hold on her and she felt again the sheer power of his physical strength. His arms felt like a steel band. He and this baby had ensured that any hopes or dreams its mother might have been harbouring were long gone from her. A child growing inside you soon made you wake up to just how one-sided childbirth really was. Phillip's life wouldn't change, not one iota. Whereas her life on the other hand, would change out of all recognition.
She would be a mother before she was even legally eligible to vote. She would be tied to a child before she had left her own childhood behind. She almost hated Phillip then, for his male- ness, for doing this to her even though she had been a more than willing participant. She hated her disloyalty towards him, but a baby, she knew, would ensure that she would never be able to walk away from him. Phillip Murphy would never allow that to happen.
But why was she thinking these things? Why would she even consider leaving him? What was wrong with her? She was crying, and she had not even realised it.
Phillip laughed gently in the darkness. The smell of him permeated the small room; the aroma of their bodies, of their joint sexual encounters was so strong Christine felt as if she would never get the stench from out of her nostrils. He seemed almost sinister to her now, and she knew at that moment that he had
wanted
this to happen, had
made
it happen. She had been too naive to see what he was doing.
Yet, this baby had been created with love.
Their
love, which was real, and surely that had to mean something? As Phillip's lips found hers in the darkness and his tongue probed her mouth with its usual determination, she felt herself responding to him as she always had since the first time they had slept together. Christine forced away the dreadful thoughts that were crowding her mind, forced away the fear that she was already into something she couldn't control. She reminded herself that he alone had made her life exciting, and he alone had made her feel alive for the first time ever. Once he was inside her, deep inside her, she didn't have any doubts about him, all she had was the knowledge that she couldn't live without him, without this - his touch, his tongue, his physical presence. She loved him, and he loved her, that was what mattered at the end of the day. It was the pregnancy that was making her doubt him, doubt herself. She knew she had to get her head around what the child would mean to them both. She might feel scared at having a baby, but she had to grow up and, as he said, put away her childish thoughts. She mentally shrugged; she was being silly. They were going to get married anyway, and it was natural for a girl to feel overwhelmed about something so huge, so life changing at such a young age.
As she succumbed to his embraces, Christine convinced herself that her fears were just the result of her hormones. If she was being honest with herself, she wasn't looking forward to her mother's reaction once she heard the happy news either.
She would go ballistic.
Chapter Twenty
'I told you this would happen, didn't I, you stupid little mare!'
Christine looked into her mother's eyes and saw the disappointment there, as well as the pleasure her mother got from being proved right. That was how it had always been, ever since she could remember.
'Sixteen and already in the club. Do you realise just how bloody stupid you are? Do you understand what this really means to you? You personally? Your life's over before it's even begun - his ain't. Men never have to take any responsibility, not really You're the one who'll be stuck at home with it. Not him, his life won't bloody well change. If you had any sense you'd get rid of it.' She put her hand to her mouth.
Eileen could cry with the shock, with the unfairness of it all. She had given this ungrateful bastard everything a girl could want, and for what? For her to be taken down by the first good- looking bloke who had given her more than a second glance. Eileen knew she had said something terrible, she was being unfair to her daughter, but she didn't care. This girl should have had it all. Now she had a belly full of arms and legs and the honour of becoming a Murphy. She wiped her hand across her face, as if the action could erase the knowledge of her daughter's spectacular fuck-up. And fuck-up it was, only this silly cow wouldn't realise that until it was too late.
Christine looked at her mother and marvelled at the woman's hypocrisy and her complete lack of loyalty, not just to her, but towards her future son-in-law. Phillip had made sure that her dad's shop was finally paying off. Her mother would be enjoying the benefits of his interference, of his putting money in their pockets. She had previously acted like she was, if not exactly pleased about their relationship, willing to accept it. Her duplicity was too much for Christine to bear. The fact that her words were a bit too close for comfort didn't help either.
'We're getting married, Mum, but I need your consent to do that. We love each other and we're going to make something of ourselves, whatever
you
might think to the contrary. Now, I have come round here to ask you to sign the papers. If you don't sign them, then my Phillip will be forced to come round here himself and, believe me, Mum, he won't be as amenable as I am, do you get my drift?'
Christine could see the fear that her words had caused, could feel her mother's discomfort and, despite herself, she found herself actually enjoying it. The two-faced old bitch was finally getting her comeuppance.
'Are you threatening me, Christine, your own mother?' Eileen's voice was low, almost inaudible, as she realised that her daughter now held all the cards, was the stronger of the two, and all through her liaison with Phillip Murphy.
'I'm not threatening you, Mum, I'm just stating a fact.'
'Well.' Eileen shrugged, resigned to her daughter's fate. 'You know what they say don't you, Christine? Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.'
Christine grinned then, and for the first time she felt superior to this woman. Placing the papers that would allow her to get married on the kitchen table, she said happily, 'I've got exactly what I asked for, Mum - I got away from you, didn't I?'
Eileen sighed. Seeing her husband's signature already there she swallowed back the urge to cry, and said brightly, 'Well, whatever you might think of me, Christine, I only ever wanted what was best for you. One day you will understand that. When that baby you're carrying comes into the world, you'll finally understand why I was like I was. You always want better for your kids, better than you had. It's called being a mother.'
She turned away from her daughter, and busied herself making a pot of tea. Christine watched her quietly, saw the drooping of her shoulders, heard the defeat in her voice, and wished with all her heart that things could have been different. Her mother was an avaricious, demanding and deeply unhappy woman; this, coupled with her snobbery and her unwavering belief that she was better than everyone around her, had guaranteed that she would always be incapable of ever experiencing any real happiness. Consequently, those within her orbit were also denied the chance of any real happiness as well. If Christine had any doubts left about marrying into the Murphys, this woman had just removed them. She would rather die than become like her mother. Her discontentment with her lot, and with her family, had eventually bled into every aspect of all their lives until none of them knew how to be happy. The Murphys had welcomed her with open arms and she saw that, no matter what, they were there for one another. They loved each other, and it showed.
Thinking of the life inside her, she put her hand on her still- flat belly, and for the first time since she had found out she was pregnant, she actually welcomed the child. She was young and healthy, she had a man who loved her, and a new family who had taken her into their lives and made her feel welcome and wanted.
Just ten minutes in the house she had grown up in had made her realise how lucky she was.