The Fantastic Book of Everybody's Secrets (28 page)

HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT ONE-NIGHT STAND

1. Apply the Emmylou Harris principle. Limit yourself to one night only. That way, you will need no other limitations on the character, mood, quality and intensity of the occasion.

2. If in doubt, don't do it. Don't go ahead but allow misgivings to ruin the occasion. Don't reveal indecision and guilt by saying, ‘Is this a good idea?' or ‘I need to decide whether I'm going to get my last train home', thereby shifting responsibility on to the other person. Any lack of wholeheartedness during the preliminaries is appalling etiquette.

3. Don't make the mistake of thinking that, just because your time together is limited, there is no point in saying anything romantic or significant. Obviously it would be futile to say, ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you', since that isn't an option, but there is no harm in saying, for example, ‘I'll never forget you', or ‘This has been one of the most amazing nights of my life.' A one-night stand has to be short but it does not have to be sordid, throwaway or worthless. It can (should?) have as much resonance as a decades-long relationship.

4. You shouldn't make grand claims (see above) that aren't true. That doesn't mean, however, that you must say everything that is true. If the sex has been unsatisfactory, there is no need to mention it. You won't sleep with the person again, so there is no opportunity for improvement. Therefore, women: behave as you do when you are given an unfortunate coat for Christmas by a well-meaning relative. Do not say, ‘Bloody hell, what a disappointment. Couldn't you do any better than that?' Be politely appreciative and spare the man's feelings. Men: your part of the deal is pretending to be unaware of the hopelessness of your performance. Women hate nothing more than to have to comfort a man after bad sex; it adds insult to injury.

5. If you're married and your one-night stand partner knows you are, do not remove your wedding ring, especially if you're likely to meet him or her again in a non-sexual context when you will, once more, be wearing the ring. There is no need to bring the hackneyed symbolism of deception and betrayal into the proceedings. Remember: you are not two different people, nor should you try to be. You are one person doing something worthwhile and life-enhancing. So, while you should be tactful and ensure that your husband or wife doesn't find out for the sake of their happiness (see unfortunate coat point above), you should in no way behave as if you are ashamed or guilty.

6. Ideally, you should spend the whole night together. This should include breakfast (continental, definitely not full English, irrespective of whether you are at one of your houses or in a hotel). It is perfectly acceptable to leave as soon as breakfast is over, whatever time this may be. If you absolutely cannot stay all night, say so before the sex
begins. Give the other person plenty of notice that you will need to dash off at four in the morning. Otherwise, they will feel desolate and abandoned and wonder what they did wrong.

7. If your one-night stand partner is someone you know and will see again non-sexually, you will need to work very hard on a new manner. You absolutely must not treat them as if nothing has changed, and revert to an everyday chumminess or professionalism. That would suggest that you want to pretend nothing happened. The new manner must somehow reflect an underlying connection, and could involve such elements as: fewer words more carefully chosen; an increased solemnity in your bearing; significant private looks; an increase in the amount of respect and awe accorded to the other person; emitting a faint aura of regret and missed chances – a sort of if-only-ishness.

8. Women: your underwear must match. It is not sufficient for the bra to be merely the same colour as the knickers, or even the same colour and material. They must be a set. It is irrelevant that many men will never notice a detail like this; it should be a matter of personal pride. Men: your underwear should be clean and, if not brand-new, then at least new-looking. It is totally unacceptable to present a pair of boxer shorts that, for example, is fraying at the top, around the elastic.

9. While it would be absurd to insist on no mention of spouses, assuming you are both married, it is very bad form either to praise or denigrate your life partner. So, stick to factual references only. ‘I had to come by train because Philippa has got the car tonight' is fine. But ‘You're so gorgeous. Philippa's body fell to pieces after she had our third child' is not, nor is ‘Philippa's a brilliant gardener. She's so capable round the house. She can make anything, grow anything…' etc. Avoid, in particular, a combination of praise and criticism, which conveys the impression that your spouse is everything to you, fills up every possible corner of your mind and life.

10. The biggest faux-pas of all, and one men are often guilty of, is to ask your one-night-stand partner if she still has sex with her husband, or – worse still – how often. If you ask questions of this sort, you will appear to be an oaf who knows nothing of social
norms. If you do ask, you deserve, and should expect, a lie by way of response.

11. The sexual positions you choose should reflect – or at least not directly contradict, in terms of their symbolism – the mood you hope to create. If you're highlighting pure physical pleasure and cheerful experimentation, almost any position is acceptable. If, however, you're aiming for a deep bond and a lasting emotional imprint, avoid anything too innovative and technically demanding. Choose, instead, a position that allows a lot of eye contact. Men: avoid, at all costs, torso-kneeling (kneeling, upright, at the end of a woman's torso and looking down at her from on high). While intercourse is possible in this position, it will make her feel like something unsavoury on display at a car-boot sale – a single floppy shoe with a brown-stained inner sole, for instance. Torso-kneeling is also incredibly risky for any man who isn't absolutely confident of his sexual prowess. If you're no good in bed and you torso-kneel, your lover will suspect that you're trying to be towering and manly in the only way you know how.

12. Always fake an orgasm if it becomes clear that you aren't going to have a real one. Never ask your lover if he or she has had one. Also, do not assume that if you have occasioned an orgasm (real or feigned) in the other person, that your work for the night is done, unless both of you are only in your teens or early twenties. If your partner is in his or her thirties or forties, you should aim to provide three orgasms. Anything less appears niggardly, like arriving at a dinner party with only one bottle of wine.

13. You need to give careful consideration to the balance between sexual activity, comic tension-diffusing banter, intimate whispered conversation and sleep. Certainly no more than four hours should be spent sleeping (you can always catch up the following night). The sexual activity should be broken up into at least two chunks. Two two-hour sessions are preferable to one four-hour stint.

14. Remember that ill-judged one-liners such as ‘Aren't you going to take off your pants?' can ruin everything. A good example of this in
a non-sexual context is the 1985 Band Aid single ‘Do They Know it's Christmas?', in which the line ‘Tonight thank God it's them instead of you' destroys the whole effect.