The Fashion Police (32 page)

Tracy
slapped Sally over the head with one hand, pointing his gun at us with the other. ‘You’re not going anywhere.’

Fandango hid behind me.

I made a big show of looking at my watch. ‘I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got a doctor’s appointment.’

‘Maybe we should let her go if she’s got a doctor’s appointment,’ Sally said to Tracy.

‘Don’t be an idiot!’ Tracy snapped at Sally. ‘It won’t matter anyway. I’m going to shoot her in a minute.’

I made fake coughing noises, doubled over, and started retching.

‘Have you still got those genital warts?’ Sally asked. ‘They’re really itchy.’

I lifted my head. ‘No, it turns out, I’ve got a very contagious virus,’ I said in between coughs.

Sally’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. He loosened his shirt collar. ‘I don’t want no contagious virus.’ He looked at Tracy.

Tracy
gave me a suspicious look. ‘Oh, yeah. What’s it called?’

‘Dodecahedron virus.’ I added a few more retching noises for emphasis.

‘I think I’ve heard of that,’ Sally said, tugging at his shirt collar again. ‘Is it getting hot in here?’ His cheeks turned bright red. ‘Fuck. I think I might be getting the dodecahedron virus. What are the symptoms?’ he said to me.

‘Coughing, retching, followed by more coughing and retching, red cheeks, feeling hot, followed by more coughing until your brain explodes into twelve pieces, and you die.’ I straightened up and let out a mini retch.

‘I ain’t staying in here ‘til my brain explodes.’ Sally’s chubby little legs moved toward the door. As he reached out to pull the handle, the door flung open, smacking Sally on the head with a loud crack, and Dad burst into the building waving a gun around.

Sally hit the deck, out for the count, as Tracy stood there, stunned into silence by a Shirley MacLaine lookalike in drag, wearing purple leggings and a yellow blouse with pink flowers on it.

Dad pointed the gun at Tracy and adjusted his strawberry blonde wig. ‘Drop it.’

‘Who the fuck are you?’ Tracy threw his gun down, frustration in every movement. As soon as it hit the floor, it discharged a bullet with an echoing explosion. Tracy jumped up and down on one foot, clutching his other foot and howling in pain. ‘Agh! My toe.’ Tears streamed from his eyes. ‘You shot my toe.’

‘No I didn’t.’ Dad gave him a filthy look.

‘Yes, you did,’ Tracy wailed.

‘Sorry to point this out, but you shot your own toe. Haven’t you heard of keeping your weapon half-cocked so it doesn’t accidentally go off, and you end up with half a cock, or in this case, half a toe?’ I said.

 ‘Fuck. I’m never going to live this down.’ Tracy bounced up and down in a zigzag pattern before losing his balance and falling on his back on the floor, still clutching his foot.

‘Are you OK?’ Dad asked me, although it was quite hard to hear him over Tracy, swearing and groaning on the concrete floor.

‘NO!’ Tracy yelled.

‘Me, me, me,’ I said to Tracy. ‘We’re not interested in you. It’s just a scratch, you big baby.’

‘But I’m shot! It’s not a scratch. It’s a big fucking bullet hole!’ Tracy glanced up at me with glazed eyes, looking a bit queasy.

‘OK, can we just forget about your foot, you big girl’s blouse!’ Dad yelled at Tracy.

I bit my lip, trying to hide my smile. ‘Dad, I’m fine, but how did you know where I was?’

‘Ever since you told me that some crazy people were following you, I got worried. When I gave you the torch, I put a GPS tracking device in it so I could always find you in an emergency.’

Sally came to and sat up, dazed. ‘I think I’ve got that virus. Take me to the hospital, Tracy.’ Then he noticed the gun in Dad’s hand and Tracy lying on the floor, clutching his foot. ‘You shot him!’ Sally said to Dad. ‘Man, that’s embarrassing, being shot by a woman.’

‘It’s hard being a woman, you know. These shoes are really chafing my heels,’ Dad said.

‘OK, let’s get Umberto to the police station,’ I said, pulling Umberto toward the exit.

Dad picked up Tracy’s gun and stood guard by the door until Umberto and I were both safely outside, then Dad emerged from the building.

We all ran to the Lemon and piled in. I cranked the engine, just as I saw Tracy hobbling to the SUV, helped by a red-faced Sally.

I sped toward the entrance of the industrial park, closely pursued by the SUV with Sally at the wheel. As I reached the entrance to the main road, a white van swung in. I did a double-take when I saw who the driver was.

‘We’re going to die, we’re going to die,’ Umberto repeated over and over again from the back seat, gripping the door handle so hard his knuckles turned white.

I’m not sure if Sally had actually passed a driving test, but if I was his instructor, I would’ve been severely ashamed of his bunny-hopping technique. As Sally approached the entrance, he swerved over to the wrong side of the road and got rammed by the van.

‘Good thing he’s so intelligent because he sure can’t drive,’ I said, stamping my foot on the accelerator and pulling out of the industrial park. I glanced in my rearview mirror to see Sally doing his best bumper car driving impression as he tried to detach the SUV from the front of the van, crunching and banging against it in the process.

I stopped looking then and concentrated on the open road ahead, praying that we’d all get to the police station in one piece.

‘That was weird,’ I said as we arrived.

‘You’re telling me.’ Umberto peeled his fingers from the door handle.

 ‘Did you see who was driving that van?’ I said to Dad, tossing my rucksack over my shoulder.

‘No, sorry. I was adjusting my shoes at the time.’

‘It was Romeo. And the doubly weird thing is that the van belongs to Callum Bates.’

27

‘Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t charge you with diamond smuggling,’ Janice Skipper said to Fandango half an hour later.

Dad, Fandango, Janice, and I sat, safe and sound, in a secure holding cell at the rear of the station.

Fandango opened his mouth to speak, his skin turning a sickly grey.

‘I can answer this one.’ I narrowed my eyes at her. She was really pissing me off now. ‘Number one, you and I had a deal, remember?’ I held up my forefinger just to ram the point home, although I really wanted to poke her eye out with it. ‘And number two, there are mitigating circumstances.’ I held up my middle finger as well. It was really tempting to drop my forefinger and just leave the middle one up there, but I didn’t want to stoop to her level.

A flicker of irritation flashed across her face. ‘You really are a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. What deal are you referring to, you idiot? Surely, you didn’t think I was actually going to stick to what we discussed.’

I shrugged again.

‘And you are a disgrace to the force,’ Dad said to her.

Janice stared at Dad’s attire. ‘You can talk. Look at the state of you. Who are you meant to be anyway?’

‘I’m undercover!’

‘How sad. It would appear that neither of you have got to grips with the fact that you’re not police officers anymore.’ Her nostrils flared as she spoke.

Romeo appeared outside the cell. ‘The Chief Constable is on his way down.’

‘Did you catch those goons?’ I asked Romeo.

‘Did I say you could speak?’ Janice’s said to me.

I ignored her.

‘No, they got away before I could get the van started again,’ Romeo said. ‘I’ve put an attention message out for their vehicle. If they’re seen, they’ll get pulled in.’

‘Damn.’ I stamped my foot.

‘I’m going to release Samantha James now.’ Romeo made to walk off.

‘Er…on whose authority? I haven’t said you can release her yet.’ Janice glared at Romeo.

‘On my authority.’ The Chief Constable came to stand next to Romeo, peering at us over the top of his half moon glasses.

Janice gawked in shock at the Chief Constable’s ruddy cheeks and thinning hair, still damp from the shower. ‘Ah, so you’re finally back from the golf course then, sir.’

Dad smiled. ‘Hello, sir.’

‘Hello, Tom.’ The Chief Constable smiled back at Dad, then turned to his attention to Janice. ‘Detective Chief Inspector Skipper, please leave us.’

Her mouth turned into an O shape. ‘But…but, this is my investigation. I solved the case and found Mr. Fandango.’ She tossed her shiny hair over her shoulder in defiance.

‘And how did you do that, Janice, by magic?’ I asked. ‘Come on, I’m sure we’d all love to hear how you solved the case.’

Janice’s mouth flapped. ‘Er…um.’

I chuckled to myself, making eye contact with Romeo, who tried to suppress a grin, not very successfully. Romeo winked at me, which made my stomach do a triple loop, and he sauntered away to the custody sergeant’s desk to organize the paperwork for Samantha’s release.

‘I said leave us, Detective. Go wait in my office.’ The Chief Constable’s voice rose, echoing in the small, confined space.

Janice stood up, giving us all a nasty little sneer before unlocking the door and striding down the corridor.

The Chief Constable sat on the chair that Janice had just vacated. ‘I’m both honored and saddened by your presence here.’

Fandango shook his hand with a worried look.

‘Now, I’ve spoken to the director of the FBI, and a high ranking agent is boarding a plane for the UK as we speak to take you into protective custody once more.’

Fandango nodded slowly, still in shock.

‘There will be no charges filed against you regarding the smuggling. It’s not in the public interest to waste tax payer’s money on bringing this matter to trial. I’m just sorry that your identity was discovered and your safety was compromised,’ the Chief Constable said.

‘And what about my daughter, Tia?’

‘An officer is bringing her here now,’ the Chief Constable said.

‘Will she have to go into protective custody too?’

The Chief constable nodded at Fandango. ‘I’m afraid so.’

Fandango’s shoulders slumped.

When Tia arrived, I met her at the front desk and led her back to the holding cell.

‘This is so awesome! I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you found him. Oh, my God, how can I ever thank you? This is soooooooo good. Dad’s alive!’

I stopped walking, rested my hands on her shoulders, looking into her heart shaped face, not knowing if this was the last time I’d ever see her. I’d grown fond of Tia in the last few weeks, and I didn’t envy the hell she’d have to go through to start over again. ‘Tia, first of all, you don’t need to thank me, and second of all, I think you need some time alone with your dad, so he can tell you what’s been going on.’

‘Well, I brought you something as a thank you anyway.’ She delved into a furry sports bag looped over her arm, pulling out the famous Fandango handbag I’d been lusting after for years. ‘Here. I know it’s not much, but…’

I stared at it, gob smacked. This wasn’t just any handbag. This was the handbag of a lifetime. ‘Wow. I love it. Thank you.’

‘No, thank you.’ She flung her arms around me.

After I’d left Tia and Umberto alone, I headed out past the front desk and got stopped by the duty officer.

‘Hey, Amber. Good job.’

‘Thanks.’

‘I’ve got a couple of messages for you. Romeo says he’ll see you at your place tonight, and the Chief Constable wants to see you in his office.’ The duty officer raised an eyebrow at me. ‘You go, girl,’ he yelled after me as I scurried up the corridor like my shoes were on fire.

I knocked on the Chief Constable’s door, shivering with nerves. I felt like a naughty school girl who’d been called to the principal’s office.

‘Come in.’

Unfortunately, when I entered his office, the Wicked Witch was still there, sitting opposite his desk. The Chief Constable smiled at me. Janice gave me evil daggers.

I sat down next to Janice. ‘You wanted to see me, sir.’

His gaze rested on Janice. ‘I’ve been hearing disturbing rumors about you, Detective Chief Inspector Skipper.

Janice shifted in her chair. ‘They aren’t true.’ She straightened her blouse and stuck her chest out.

‘So, you’ve heard them?’ he asked her.

She fluttered her eyelashes at him. ‘No.’

‘How do you know they’re not true if you haven’t heard them?’ I butted in.

‘Shut it, big mouth,’ Janice said to me, her eyes ablaze with malicious challenge. Then she pouted her lips at the Chief Constable, trying to look seductive, but really looking like a trout with severe breathing problems.

‘I think you are the one who needs to shut it,’ The Chief Constable snapped at Janice. ‘You could learn a lot from Detective Sergeant Fox.’

‘She’s not a detective sergeant anymore,’ Janice said.

The Chief Constable held up the palm of his hand to silence her. ‘As I was saying, you could learn a lot from an outstanding investigator like DS Fox. Although her methods are…somewhat unconventional, she always gets results. In fact, I think the only case she didn’t manage to solve was the one involving Mike Cross. That’s a pretty impressive track record as far as I’m concerned.’ He cut his eyes to me. ‘I’d like to thank you for solving this case and getting the press off my back.’ Then he turned to Janice again. ‘Now, Detective Chief Inspector, you have one chance to tell me what really happened at the shooting range.’

‘I’ve already filed my report on what happened, and I’m sticking by it,’ Janice said.

I stood up, casually retrieved my voice activated tape recorder from my bag, and placed it on his desk. ‘This is a recording of a very interesting conversation that Janice and I had in the interview room on Tuesday.’ I hit the play button, savoring her haughty expression changing to dread as our tinny voices filled the room.

I tried hard not to grin as Janice visibly squirmed in her seat. It was pretty difficult, but I just about managed to pull it off. Maybe I’d chosen the wrong career all along, and I should’ve actually been an actress.

Finally, it got to the part where Janice said, ‘Hang on. Let me get this straight. You want me to confess that you actually shot me by accident after I broke protocol at the shooting range by stepping out into your line of fire. And you want me to say how I cunningly and constructively manipulated your career advances, and purposefully got you thrown off the force...’

That’s when I couldn’t keep my enjoyment at bay any longer. My eyes crinkled up at the corners as I grinned like the Cheshire Cat. Then I strode to the door and slipped out, leaving Janice to get the biggest bollocking of her life.

****

Romeo brought round steaks, coleslaw, and potato salad. He even brought a special griddle pan from his house to sear the steaks with. The griddle pan touch made me smile.

‘What happened to the pot?’ Romeo asked, popping the cork on a bottle of wine.

‘Which pot?’

‘You know; the terracotta pot I bought you, which you said you liked.’

‘Oh that pot. Um…I had a slight accident.’

‘If you didn’t like it, you should have just said.’

‘I did like it. It was the most superb pot in the whole world, but smashing it was a matter of life or death.’

‘A matter of life or death involving a terracotta pot?’ He chuckled. ‘The weird thing is, that doesn’t even sound weird coming from you.’

‘I like your pan, too.’ I watched him get the pan to the right temperature before lifting the steaks onto the griddle with tongs, pressing them down so they sizzled in the heat.

‘You can’t have a special celebratory dinner without the proper equipment,’ Romeo said.

I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind. ‘How about we put dinner on hold and get out your other equipment?’

Romeo flipped the steaks over, switched off the gas, and turned to face me. ‘That’s the best idea I’ve heard all day.’ He reached out, slid the back of his hand softly down my cheek, then picked me up and carried me to the bedroom.

‘So,’ I said as we lay in bed an hour later. ‘Why the hell were you driving Callum Bates’s van?’

‘I was doing an undercover operation, posing as a car thief to hopefully get enough evidence against the Cohens to put them away for life. I befriended Callum Bates, pretending to be this guy called Dave, and he introduced me to the Cohens. The plan was that Callum and I would steal high quality vehicles to order for the Cohens to export to Saudi Arabia. We intercepted their shipment and the Cohen brothers at the docks, and I was looking for Callum Bates to arrest him when I bumped into you at the industrial park.’

‘Why didn’t you just use one of the undercover police vehicles during the operation?’

‘The Cohens and Bates would’ve probably recognized every unmarked car we have, and Janice wouldn’t authorize bringing in another vehicle from elsewhere because she’s nuts, so I told Callum that I didn’t have any anonymous wheels at the moment. He loaned me his van to go scouting for possible targets to steal.’