No matter what I did, someone was going to get hurt. I didn't even know if Jared reciprocated my feelings. I didn't know anything other than he was there, rubbing my knee in an attempt to calm me while Mistress Kayla leaned against the doorframe and watched, her arms crossed over her chest. At least, that was the last image I had of her before I had closed my eyes.
I'd already hurt her in the worst possible way. No matter how hard she tried to hide it, it was worn in the darkest green of her eyes where I alone could see it. I'd successfully wounded the most amazing woman on the face of the planet because I couldn't stop my feelings for Jared.
“That's it. Deep breaths,” he whispered, his hand clamping down on my knee in encouragement, forcing a false sense of security to momentarily penetrate the frenetic pounding of my heart. Not that it lasted very long.
With the two of them in the room, I was at a loss for words. I felt achingly alone and adrift as my thoughts battered the edges of my brain and kept my heart pounding all while my breaths came in wheezing pants. It was only when I realized my escape would come with calm that I started gulping in air. Tears streamed down my cheeks, leaving the tracks cooling on my overheated skin as my heart slowed to a somewhat normal beat.
I'd never had a panic attack in my life. Even with all the things I'd seen, done and survived, I'd never once lost control like that. It had taken being torn between two people to get me there. I dropped my arms slowly, my sobs the only hindrance to my breathing as I scrunched my eyes closed tightly and wished for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.
“How did you know to do that?” Mistress Kayla asked, her voice closer now than it had been before.
“My cousin has asthma. The doctor told him that raising your arms opens the lungs fully. I wasn't sure it would work for a panic attack, but I had to do something.”
Mistress Kayla hummed in agreement, her hands finding my hair and stroking it like she always did. The tears seemed to be unending, and realizing I was sitting between them both did nothing to slow them down.
The tension grew with the silence that suddenly surrounded us. Even with my eyelids closed I could feel it. Two sets of eyes were locked on me, waiting for answers, and I had nothing.
It was finally Mistress Kayla that broke, her sigh a precursor to what was coming next.
“We can wait all night, Kit. Silence isn't going to resolve this situation.”
“Situation?” Jared asked, the anger rising in his voice. He'd always been nothing but respectful to Mistress Kayla and this new tone he was directing at her was like nails down a chalkboard. “What situation? She froze. I don't see the need to interrogate her over it.”
“Don't be so naïve, Jared. She shouted out her safe word because she couldn't stand to see you with another sub. She's in love with you.”
I heard his gasp, the quiet mumble under his breath as his hand tightened and released my knee. Shame and humiliation mingled together inside of me as I waited for him to say something, anything, even if it was laughter at my stupidity.
“Kit? Is this true?”
This was not the way I saw this playing out. I’d never intended on telling him how I felt, because rejection on top of everything else was just going to cripple me. However, I respected him too much to lie to him, so I took the coward’s way out, scrunching my eyes closed as I nodded in confirmation. I couldn't stand to see the pity in his eyes, or his humor at the ridiculous notion.
“But—”
“I want to go home,” I whispered over him, my eyes flickering open and looking down at my hands. “Please, I need to sleep on this and understand what the hell is going on before I talk to you both.”
They agreed. By some grace of God they agreed to let me go home and let me think, and after Mistress Kayla handed me my dress and I’d pulled it on, I was on my feet and out the door before they could change their minds. I could feel them behind me as I took the closest exit, almost running smack bang into a homemade poster telling me I was going to hell, as people started chanting that I was a sinner. The irony wasn’t lost on me. I was starting to think I was smack bang in the middle of hell on earth anyway, not that I was going to let them know that. I pushed through the grappling hands and angry voices, unsure whether Mistress Kayla and Jared were even behind me.
It was only when I managed to escape the crowd that I realized I was blessedly alone and I started to run. I had no shoes on and my dress fanned out behind me as the cool evening air clung to my damp skin, but I could finally breathe. The pressure of all the pain relented enough to let me inhale and exhale with some kind of rhythm that didn’t spell out absolute terror. I pulled in gulps as I picked up speed; my feet hitting the cool cobbles in a repetitive beat. I wasn't sure where I was going or even what direction I was going in but I was free.
I'd barely made it a mile down the street when I heard the purr of an engine pull up and a door open.
“Kit, get in the car,” Mistress Kayla commanded.
Her tone left no room for argument so I climbed in the back and pulled my knees to my chest, hating that we were in her chauffeured town car. She always ordered the car service for the club. That way she could continue her aftercare making the town car a welcome treat, but that night it was doing the polar opposite. She and Jared both sat and stared at me like I'd grown another head. Their scrutiny just seemed to make me fidget. The silence, having once again taken hold, was making an uncomfortable situation even worse.
“Are we going to talk about this?” Mistress Kayla asked, gentler than I imagined she wanted to.
What was there to say? Two years of absolute dedication and loyalty were made null and void because I had fallen in love with someone else. Why would either of them trust me now? I'd gone against everything I stood for and hurt the one person I'd sworn I would never hurt.
“I think we need to,” Jared said gently.
“It wasn't my intention to hurt anyone,” I choked out into my knees. “I don't know how I could let it happened.”
“I saw it coming. I wasn't sure who or when, but I knew it would happen eventually,” Mistress Kayla said arrogantly, choking on the words. Almost as though they’d been rehearsed. Maybe they had... What if...?
No!
I looked up from my knees, a fire burning in the pit of my stomach kindled by a sudden quiet rage aimed directly at the source of my silent accusations. It dampened the guilt and hurt that lingered there, at least for the time being.
“You set this up?” I asked, my fist balling between my thighs and stomach as the agony infiltrated my tone. I’d wanted the anger to be what she heard. – the accusation to be the precursor to what was about to go down between us.
All those times she'd looked at me like I was about to walk away. All that fear she'd tried to hide when something went even slightly wrong. She'd doubted me for at least the past six months. I could put a date and time to every flicker of uncertainty I'd seen behind those green eyes, and it was all starting to make sense. She never would have shared me for three weeks, something I'd known when she’d suggested it, but she'd made it seem like I was doing her a favor, that she'd be upset or disappointed if I refused. And it had been a test.
The whole time she'd been setting me up to prove her point and save herself from pain. Had she even considered what it would do to me? All the confusion and pain that
I
had suffered, when all along it had been her plan?
“You were testing me.”
“You were never meant for me,” she said quietly, shuffling her hands in her lap and looking out the window as we turned into the Garden District.
“Bullshit. I loved you. I would have done anything for you...” I tapered off, realizing I was speaking in the past tense.
My walls came slamming down around me as I stiffened, suddenly more uncomfortable than I ever had been before. She'd set me up for failure. I wasn't sure how she'd known it would work, but it had and there was no coming back from that.
“Loved? As in you don't anymore?” she asked, raising her brow.
“Don't do that. You know what I meant! This is just... You set me up.”
Jared hissed under his breath, his eyes moving between the two of us and his own hurt showing clearly. She hadn't just tested me; she'd used him and it made me want to hate her. She had broken the one promise she'd made to me when I agreed to move down to New Orleans with her. A promise that she would never purposefully hurt me. Yet here we were. My heart was cracking in my chest because she'd stung me in the worst way possible.
The moment the car stopped outside of her house, I jumped out and headed to the back door, pulling the spare key from under the plant pot before I headed to the room I'd shared with her for two years. I pulled out my duffel bag that had held everything I owned when I'd flown down there and stuffed it with the things I'd bought. There were no dresses packed. No mementos of our time together. Everything we had done and bought jointly would now only remind me of tonight, her ultimate betrayal, and the hurt that echoed in my very soul.
I tried not to think of Jared's silence as I ripped the cuffs from my wrists and ankles. I threw them into the center of the bed and heard the reverberation of his question...
Is this true?
There had been nothing after my confirmation of how I felt. Nothing but a long, painful silence that told me everything I needed to know, which was exactly why I'd cut him off. I didn't need to know what he was going to say. I didn’t need his pity. My imagination was good enough to fill in the blanks... “
I'm sorry, Kit. I just wanted to learn. It was fun while it lasted but I don't want a commitment.”
That was fine. I hadn't expected him to want me. It's why I'd kept my silence, why I'd tried so hard to hide my feelings and just enjoy our time together.
“You stupid girl, Kit,” I told myself, running my hands through my loose hair and pulling it into a mass at the back of my head. I tried to think about what else I needed, but all I could think about was the Texas-sized mess I'd made, and the anger that was ticking away inside of me.
I marched to the bathroom and packed my toiletries, tearing off the dress I was wearing before dumping it in the hamper and heading back to pack what I'd collected.
I was halfway through pulling on a pair of jeans when the two of them entered the room.
I ignored them both. I loved Mistress Kayla, but her betrayal was like a burn that covered my body from head to toes – it stung like hell. I also loved Jared, and he knew, but he'd said nothing. I was still capable of taking a hint, at least.
“What are you doing?” Mistress Kayla snapped, rocking in her four-inch heels. She had the audacity to look like I'd slapped her in the face, which was rich considering it's what she may as well have done to me. At least I could process that kind of pain.
“What does it look like I'm doing? I'm leaving.”
“A tad dramatic don't you think?” she snapped, getting defensive. As a Dominatrix, she was hard-headed and more than likely insulted that I was thinking for myself for once.
I paused, my anger fully taking hold and extinguishing the pain that had buried itself deep inside of me. I would feel the full repercussions of it later, but I decided I would handle that when the time came. I couldn't stay in that house a moment longer.
“Dramatic?” I seethed, turning on the spot. “You have a lot of nerve. Dramatic is testing someone when they're perfectly happy. Dramatic is making a scene when you obviously knew the outcome. Dramatic is your ‘poor me pity party’ of accumulated fear that I would walk away. Congratulations. You managed to do just that but don't you dare put that on me. Your selfish need for validation is to blame here. One week. Just one and I would have come back for good, no questions asked and moved on with my life, but you... you just had to know. You had to meddle. You had to break my heart and make a fool of me.”
“You wanted me to have you come back and watch you be miserable?”
“Once again you turn it back on me.” I picked up my bag and Chucks and headed for the door, brushing past them both as I stumbled into the hall. “I wasn't going to win either way. He doesn't love me; he sure as hell doesn't want me. Now neither do you. Game over. I'm done. Goodbye. Thanks for the two years of fun.”
“Kit! What the fuck—”
Jared's voice followed me from the room and faded as I sprinted down the stairs and grabbed the door. I never would know what came after that, and as I pulled the door closed behind me, I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I needed time to myself to clear my head and be alone. Figure out what I wanted, or where I needed to go. My life had, once again, taken a ridiculously unexpected turn and I didn't know where I was going anymore. I wasn’t even sure I knew who I was.
I climbed into my car, ready to cry against the steering wheel, but the flood of light that suddenly arose from the back porch told me I wasn't alone. I wouldn't be stopped now and I wouldn't be dissuaded from my decision, even if I did come to regret it later. I’d given them both time to talk, and nothing had come from that, so I would do what I always did when things got too far out of my control... I would flee, and I wouldn't look back. I knew the only thing behind me now was pain and heartbreak, and I just couldn't let myself go there.
Pulling out of the driveway, I saw Jared sprinting after me, my eyes taking one last glance as he ran into the pool of light from the lamp post before I hit the gas and got the hell out of there. The tears came once again as I left him, his call of my name fading away into the breeze as I left my life behind me and suddenly found myself driving away into the unknown.
I drove for what felt like hours. I didn't know where I was going or who I could run to. It took me a while to figure things out as the endless black river of asphalt lay ahead of me.
I knew how tenacious Mistress Kayla could be, so I had to go somewhere I knew she wouldn't look for me if she chose to. My friends in New Orleans were all tied to her, so I didn't have anyone there.