The Final Exam (11 page)

Lulu looked at Theo sweetly and smiled. “Just when I thought you were an idiot, you had to go and make sense. Come on, let’s do this.”

“Nah, you go ahead. Mac and I are going to sit this one out.”

“What about the great pep talk you just gave me?”

“It
was
pretty good, wasn’t it?”

“Get on the plane, Fatty! We need you!”

“But Lulu, it already looks like it’s been in a crash! That is
not
a good sign!”

“Theo, you’re a hall monitor,” Lulu said, feigning seriousness. “Either rise to the occasion or I’m going to have to turn you in to the Board of Ethical Hall Monitors and have your sash revoked.”

Gasping in horror, Theo unfolded his sash and slipped it onto his body while sucking in his belly. Outside of eating, being a hall monitor was Theo’s greatest joy in life, and he had no intention of giving it up.

“Let’s do this!” the boy yelled bravely before performing one of his famous Rumpmaster Funk dance moves.

“Hold that thought,” Lulu muttered as she watched two airport workers struggle to load a large and unusually
bulky white canvas sack onto the back of the plane. “Remember that story you told me about the man who hid an alligator in his luggage?”

“Do you think Hyacinth put an alligator in her bag to get back at me for calling Celery a racist?”

“What? You called the ferret a racist?”

“She hates me because I’m fat.”

“For the last time, fat people are not a race!”

“Alligators love fatties; we’ll be dead by takeoff,” Theo mumbled to Macaroni as Lulu sprinted toward the back of the plane.

I
n reality, there wasn’t an alligator on the plane, but a pig. Stuffed into the large canvas sack was none other than Sylvie Montgomery. The story of the man hiding an alligator had merely given Lulu the idea of a stowaway, and sure enough, she was right. The feisty girl had the baggage handlers remove the wiggling white sack, inside of which the perturbed reporter grunted loudly.

“You can still save yourself, Lulu. Give me the goods on your teacher and I won’t run any of your secrets—
not even the one about you shoplifting at the country club.”

“I wasn’t shoplifting! They sold me damaged merchandise then refused to give me my money back! I was merely righting a wrong!”

“I doubt your parents will see it in that light,” Sylvie said as she inhaled loudly through her snout.

“Hey, guys,” Lulu called out to the nearby baggage handlers. “This is trash. Just toss it in the Dumpster!”

After the encounter with Sylvie, Lulu was so angry and preoccupied that she was able to board the plane without incident. Only once the door closed behind her did she begin to hyperventilate from the low ceiling and narrow breadth of the space. After Lulu made a quick escape attempt, Theo and Garrison literally pinned her to her seat while the plane left the ground. Her lungs tightened and her body convulsed with fear. She was trapped. Short of jumping to her death, there was no way out.

After almost ten minutes of straining against both Theo and Garrison, she relaxed. Just as a doctor had once told her, the human body can sustain panic for
only so long. Though she was still frightened and shaky, the urge to throw herself out the door had subsided.

Once Theo was free of focusing on Lulu, his own anxiety over the journey returned ferociously. His eyes literally bulged at the sight of exposed wires crawling dangerously along the plane’s walls.

“I really hope these chutes were packed properly. As it is, Mac’s going to have trouble pulling the string without an opposable thumb,” Theo babbled anxiously.

“I wouldn’t worry; the flight is going to be over in a flash,” Madeleine said calmly. “And on the bright side, Mrs. Wellington just informed me that all spiders and insects die above ten thousand feet. Isn’t that spectacular?”

Lulu and Garrison immediately turned to Mrs. Wellington, both recognizing that she had lied to Madeleine about elevation killing insects. The old woman merely winked in response.

“Are they going to pass out peanuts soon?” Theo asked while nervously tapping his fingers on his armrest. “I’m starving, and so is Mac!”

“Celery and I are deathly allergic to peanuts, so we
would appreciate it if, as a bestie, you would refrain from consuming all peanut products. After all, you wouldn’t want to accidentally kill us.”

“No, we certainly wouldn’t want it to be an
accident,
” Lulu remarked with a smirk.

“Don’t worry, Hyacinth, Lulu’s been threatening to kill me since I met her, and I’m still alive,” Theo said. “Although who knows for how long, since I’m currently on a plane held together by Scotch tape.”

“Hey there, passengers,” said Maggie, the saucy brunette flight attendant, upon exiting the cockpit in a snug navy uniform. “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but—”

“Then don’t,” Theo interrupted forcefully. “I can’t handle much more! I just saw a piece of the wing break off!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. Wings are the tonsils of aviation; no one really needs them,” Maggie explained. “But there is something else…”

However, as fate would have it, before Maggie could inform the passengers of the problem, the plane abruptly descended in a nosedive. So steep and sudden was the drop that all the passengers experienced momentary whiplash, including Macaroni and Celery. As the plane
plummeted toward the ground, panic-stricken screams filled the chamber. Yet, even amid the rampant shrieking, one voice set itself apart.

“I don’t want to die!” Abernathy wailed. “My life is just beginning! I finally have friends who aren’t insects!”

Much like a roller coaster, the plane suddenly leveled out before beginning an almost vertical ascent. As the passengers caught their breath, Maggie stood up and attempted to regain her bearings.

“Everyone please remain calm. We are not going to die. Or at least it’s unlikely we’re going to die. Of course, I can’t say it’s totally impossible,” Maggie blathered uneasily.

“Those are not very reassuring words,” Mrs. Wellington snapped. “As a forty-nine-time pageant winner, I demand to know what’s happening!”

“It’s the alligator, isn’t it?” Theo asked, hysterically weeping. “The alligator ate the pilot! There’s no one flying the plane!”

“Just tell us what’s happening!” Garrison screamed at Maggie as the plane tilted from side to side.

“We have reason to believe there’s a person in the engine who’s interfering with the plane’s ability to fly properly.”

“What’s your reason?” Garrison asked impatiently.

“We can see her head popping out from time to time. It’s pretty hot in there, so she’s probably trying to cool down. Unfortunately, every time she moves she hits wires and cylinders, causing the plane to move erratically.”

“What kind of airline are you running here? You let people ride in the engine?” Mrs. Wellington warbled angrily. “I demand a refund!”

“Should we actually survive, I’m open to discussing that,” Maggie said tensely to Mrs. Wellington, only to be answered by the sound of a ferret vomiting.

“Sorry, ferrets are really sensitive to motion. That’s why you rarely see them at amusement parks,” Hyacinth explained, holding the ferret’s small head in a barf bag.

“Oh, that’s why I never see ferrets at Disneyland,” Lulu said with a sarcastic sneer as the plane vibrated violently.

“I’m confused; are we dying or not?” Abernathy squealed in an abnormally high-pitched tone.

“Why? Are you ready to make peace with me?” Mrs. Wellington asked, her face contorting with optimism.

Abernathy responded by looking directly at Mrs. Wellington without either snarling or growling for the
first time. With this one simple act, the mood in the plane shifted toward hope and possibility.

“We’re most likely
not
dying,” Maggie answered. “Pilot Aronson is trying to land the plane without killing us or the stowaway. And the good news is, we’re hoping to crash close to the airfield.”

“That passes for good news? Pathetic,” Theo mumbled while performing a multitude of religious hand gestures. Sadly, he wasn’t sure what half of them meant, or—worse—if he had made them up.

“Am I correct in assuming that the person in the engine has the complexion of bubblegum?” Schmidty asked while diligently holding his comb-over in place; he had a most terrible fear of dying with bad hair.

“How did you know?” Maggie shrieked as the plane once again fell into a steep nosedive.

“Would you ask the pilot to try to crash in an area without any visible signs of bugs or spiders?” Madeleine yelled at Maggie before continuing her silent prayer for survival.

A sound like that of a chain saw cutting through a radiator reverberated as the whole craft pulsated uncontrollably. As instructed by Maggie, the passengers quickly
tightened their seat belts and braced for impact. With her life flashing before her eyes, Maggie, a recently ordained Internet minister, prepared to offer last rites. However, before she could even open her mouth, the plane came to a thunderous halt in a clearing.

“Is everyone okay?” Mrs. Wellington asked the group before turning to make direct eye contact with her stepson. “Abernathy?”