The Final Exam (17 page)

“Celery says you’re in no position to judge, seeing as you once mourned the loss of a sandwich for, like, a month.”

“They discontinued the ultimate veggie western burger! It was a major milestone in my life! And for the record, it was three and a half weeks, not a month.”

“Enough about worms and sandwiches,” Garrison said with a frustrated sigh. “We need to find this bird so we can get out of here. I don’t know about you guys, but I really don’t want to spend another night in that basement.”

“We could do bird calls around the yard and see if Toothpaste responds,” Madeleine suggested halfheartedly.

“Are you expecting the canary to call out, ‘Hey, guys, I’m over here’?” Lulu asked skeptically.

“No, but I thought he might just fly to us if he heard his name.”

“I’m pretty sure they’re keeping him in some sort of confined space, seeing as they
kidnapped
him,” Lulu responded patronizingly.

“Well, what do you suggest, Lulu?” Madeleine pushed back.

“Why don’t we just ask them? They seem pretty dumb; they’ll probably tell us.”

“Sounds good to me,” Theo said as he smoothed his hall-monitor sash. “I am ready when you are.”

“Actually, I bet these guys will respond to Garrison and me better. You know, ’cause we’re cool and stuff,” Lulu stated confidently.

“Celery thinks you have a pretty big ego, which, like a big butt, isn’t so attractive,” said Hyacinth.

Theo and Madeleine couldn’t help but smile; never had they so agreed with anything Celery said.

Shortly thereafter, Lulu and Garrison descended upon the extensive mishmash of gardens in search of the Contrarians. Considering the boys’ fondness for fire, they half expected to find them by following a trail of flames. However, they soon discovered that absolutely nothing was smoking, smoldering, or burning, leaving them very little to go on. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until the two leaned against a soaring elm tree to strategize that they received a sign from above, quite literally.

“I say we hit the cacti cluster. They’re probably removing the needles to perform satanic rituals on one another,” Lulu surmised sarcastically while twirling a lock of her long strawberry blond hair.

“We just need to keep our eyes peeled—somewhere, something is on fire,” Garrison said in response.

“Let’s just hope it’s not Toothpaste.”

At that moment a most unusual stick fell from the sky and bonked Lulu directly on the head. Red and curly, it was the most peculiar twig she had ever seen. Of course, that’s because it was actually a snake. And while Lulu wasn’t afraid of snakes, she didn’t like the idea of them falling from the sky.

“Hey, can you guys grab Bard’s pet snake, Petey? He’s really attached to him,” Fitzy called out from the second-highest branch of the towering tree.

Bard, who was pacing frantically on the branch, screamed, “Petey,” as if he were calling after a wayward dog.

Garrison stared at the motionless red snake and realized something wasn’t quite right. It hadn’t moved, not even a centimeter, since falling from the tree. Memories of Mrs. Wellington’s taxidermied horses swept through his mind, offering a sudden flash of clarity.

“You stuffed your snake?” Garrison said in disbelief as he picked the stiff creature up off the ground.

“Bard says dead pets make the best pets. You don’t
have to feed them or walk them or clean out their cages. You just have to remember to stuff them; otherwise they turn all black and moldy. Really, the only hard part is finding a dead one,” Fitzy rambled.

“Speaking of pets,” Lulu said nicely, looking up at the three boys, who appeared to be rigging some sort of dubious contraption. “Where’s the bird?”

“Want to bungee jump? It’s really fun,” Fitzy responded eagerly, totally ignoring Lulu’s question.

“As tempting as that sounds, I’m going to have to pass,” Lulu replied. “But as I was saying, where’s the bird?”

“What bird?” Fitzy answered distractedly.

“You know what bird,” Lulu shot back.

“Big Bird? Toucan Sam? I don’t think I know any other birds. Wait, is Tinker Bell a bird? She flies and has wings, but she doesn’t have a beak,” Fitzy pondered seriously.

“We’re talking about Toothpaste the canary!” Garrison exploded. “Where is he?”

“Toothpaste! Man, I almost forgot about him,” Fitzy said, shaking his head. “That little dude sure can talk.”

“Where is he?” Lulu pressed on impatiently. “Just tell us where you stashed Toothpaste!”

“Why does Basmati call him Toothpaste? It’s such a stupid name. Dental Floss would be way cooler,” Fitzy mused aloud, once again ignoring everything Lulu had said.

“Dental Floss! Dental Floss!” Bard and Herman called out before returning to building their contraption.

“You guys better not have stuffed him!” Lulu yelled before turning back to Garrison.

The two exchanged a knowing look; they clearly needed a better plan. Mature tactics, such as talking, obviously held very little weight with these boys. Both Lulu and Garrison felt disappointed; they had been hoping for a speedy resolution. Between their own fears and Sylvie, there was more than enough on their plates; adding a kidnapped bird to their agenda felt downright overwhelming. Shuffling gloomily away from the tree, Lulu and Garrison were greeted by Hyacinth, who was dressed in a pink pantsuit with Celery perched stoically on her shoulder.

“Besties! Besties! Have you found Toothpaste yet?”

“Not quite,” Lulu responded curtly. “But you are
more than welcome to stay and annoy the Contrarians while we formulate a new plan.”

“You got it, bestie. I’ve totally been wanting to bond with the Contrarians! You know how much I love making new besties,” Hyacinth said excitedly, holding up her hand for a high five.

Garrison and Lulu ignored the young girl’s hand and headed back toward the Contrary Conservatory. Determined not to waste a perfectly good high five, Hyacinth carefully pushed her hand against Celery’s small paw.

“Hey, Fitzy! Bard! Herman! It’s me, Hyhy, your new bestie! That’s short for ‘best friend.’ But you guys probably already know that, since it looks like you are a besties trio,” Hyacinth babbled as she focused in on the strange contraption they were rigging. “What are you doing with all that rope?”

“We’re building a bungee jump,” Fitzy called down proudly. “Only we couldn’t find any bungee cords, so we’re using rope instead. Now that I think of it, I guess that makes it a rope jump, not a bungee jump.”

“Rope jump! Yeah!” Bard and Herman seconded from beneath their large brown mops of hair.

“Is that safe?” Hyacinth asked, reviewing their highly
questionable engineering from her position on the ground.

“I don’t know,” Fitzy replied nonchalantly.

“So how exactly does the whole thing work?”

“We tie the rope to your legs, you jump, and then you bounce. Pretty cool, right?”

“Hold on a second,” Hyacinth said, leaning closer to the ferret. “Celery would like to be the first ferret to ever bungee jump. She’s been looking for a way into the
Guinness World Records
and she thinks this might be her best shot. It’s either bungee jump or try out for
Dancing with the Stars
again. But honestly, bestie to bestie, I don’t think
Dancing with the Stars
is going to happen. They’re clearly ferretists, maybe even rodentists.”

“Wait, so you want your ferret to bungee jump?” Fitzy asked, clearly confused by Hyacinth’s ramblings on the anti-rodent position of
Dancing with the Stars.

“
I
don’t want her to do anything.
Celery
wants to do it,” Hyacinth carefully clarified.

“Ferret bungee jump!” Bard and Herman screamed in unison.

“Awesome,” Fitzy called out, pumping his fist in the air.

“Thanks, Fitzy! I think you’re totally awesome, too! I’ve always wanted a ginger-haired bestie, and now I have one!” Hyacinth said as she shimmied up the tree with Celery on her shoulder.

Once on the branch, Hyacinth began to fret over Celery’s safety during the jump.

“This is safe, right? Because Celery is my number one bestie, the bestie of all besties, so she better not get hurt. As a matter of fact, I would be super grateful if you let her borrow a helmet.”

“We don’t believe in helmets, seat belts, or air bags. They slow down the fun,” Fitzy stated definitively.

“Fun!” Bard and Herman grunted loudly, pumping their fists in the air before refocusing their attention on the ropes.

“Fitzy, I wouldn’t let Theo hear you talk about safety like that; it’s kind of his religion, if you know what I mean,” Hyacinth explained. “Now, in light of everything, I am going to have to insist on fastening my hankie into a harness and my watch into a helmet for Celery.”

“A ferret harness and helmet? Cool,” Fitzy said with a nod.

After creating a harness out of her hankie and wrapping her watch around Celery’s head, Hyacinth attached the rope. Planting a quick kiss on the animal’s furry cheek, she let go. And while Hyacinth couldn’t say for sure, she could have sworn Celery pumped her little ferret fist as she fell.

“Good thing Celery went first; that rope is way too long,” Hyacinth said to Fitzy as her ferret landed a mere three inches from the ground. “You would have cracked your head open, maybe even died.”

“No way,” Fitzy said before a momentary look of concern washed over his flat, pancake-like face. “By the way, Bard thinks Celery is totally cool. If you’re into it, he’d like to stuff her when she dies and keep her as a pet.”

“That’s sort of creepy; I need to rethink being besties with Bard.”

A short while later Hyacinth bounded into the Contrary Conservatory’s crowded kitchen, eager to share the news of Celery’s jump with the other School of Fearians.
Theo, Madeleine, Lulu, and Garrison were in the middle of searching the cupboards for food when the pantsuit-loving girl and her ferret arrived.

“Besties! I have the most amazing news!” Hyacinth squealed as Celery sat with windblown fur on her shoulder.

“You found Toothpaste?” Madeleine asked enthusiastically.

“You found food?” Theo inquired, holding up a carburetor.

Most bizarrely, Basmati did not keep a single particle of food in the kitchen. All the cabinets and even the refrigerator were chock-full of automotive parts, everything from fan belts to transmissions.

“Oops! I totally forgot to ask about the bird. But on the bright side, I have good news about a ferret: Celery bungee jumped! Isn’t that amazing? She’s the first ferret to ever do it! Talk about a trendsetter!”

“Actually, Hyacinth, I think it’s rather inappropriate to allow a ferret to engage in an extreme sport like bungee jumping,” Madeleine responded in a most unyielding manner.

“Yeah, I’ve got to agree with Maddie,” Garrison said,
pushing his blond locks from his overly tanned forehead. “That’s pretty uncool, even for you.”

Hyacinth’s face dropped dramatically as she realized her friends did not approve of her behavior. As she had always loathed the sensation of disappointing others, she immediately deflected all accountability.

“Don’t blame me! It was Celery’s idea! She begged me to let her do it! I had no choice; she’s absolutely desperate to get into the
Guinness World Records.
You have no idea how hard it is to deal with a fame-obsessed ferret,” Hyacinth babbled while Madeleine, Lulu, Garrison, and Theo looked on with mounting condemnation.

“Hyacinth, you need a lesson in personal responsibility.
You
agreed to drop your pet ferret, an animal incapable of understanding the ramifications of her actions, off the top of a tree. That’s messed up,” Lulu said emphatically.

“Lulu’s right; your behavior is shameful,” Madeleine offered critically as she adjusted her shower cap.

“If I ever hear that you’ve allowed anything like this to happen again, I’m sending Celery straight to the Pet Protection Program. She’ll get a new name, a new owner—an all-around new leash on life,” Theo rambled dramatically.

“The Pet Protection Program doesn’t exist and you know it,” Lulu admonished Theo while rolling her eyes.

“Um, thanks for blowing my cover! What’s next? Are you going to report me to the IRS for not declaring my paper route?” Theo retorted with visible annoyance.