Authors: Maggi Myers
Today I am burying the best friend I ever had. The title sticks in my craw because he was more than a friend—he was a father, a confidant, a friend, and a kindred spirit. There is no title for the person Tommy was to me, but there is a word for me: ungrateful. While I watch the coffee grounds percolate, I think about all the times I should’ve told him how much I loved him. All the times I should have sent him a plane ticket to come visit or at the very least let him know that I wanted him to come for a visit. Instead, I acted like everything else was more important, and he faded into the background. The letter I wrote Tommy on the plane is a poor substitute for one of our early morning dock chats, but all of the opportunities for that have passed and I wasted every one. I pour coffee into a travel mug before heading upstairs to change and grab the letter.
Pops’ keys jingle in my hand as I carefully close the door and jog toward his old Lincoln Town Car. It’s a beast with pale grey paint and burgundy velvet seats. I am not looking forward to navigating this boat through traffic, but I want to make this trip on my own.
***
“
Hey baby girl, I thought I might find you out here,” Tommy yawns, scratching his stomach through his Iowa Hawkeyes t-shirt. It doesn’t surprise me to see him. We’ve been having early morning pow-wows on the dock for a long time. “Couldn’t sleep?” He brushes his hand across the top of my head before joining me.
“Bad dream,” I murmur into my mug. Tommy regards me with sleepy eyes, but the twitch of his mustache clues me in to his concern.
“Wanna talk about it?” He wraps his arm around me and squeezes my shoulder.
“No, but Dr. Warren says it’s the only way I will ever get past it.” I stare into my mug and try to gather the courage to continue.
“You know you can tell me anything, Beth. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you, baby girl.” Tommy’s warm baritone washes over me, giving me the boost that I need.
“It was about Drew,” I start, “nothing specific, more like a mash-up of everything.” My hair falls like a curtain, hiding my face from Tommy’s reaction. I hear him blow out a breath as he takes in my statement.
“I have bad dreams too,” his confession surprises me. Pulling my hair behind my ear, I turn toward him. His eyes are focused on the lake. “In my dream, I am back in your living room pounding the living shit out of Drew, except this time I don’t stop, Beth. I kill him with my bare hands,” his voice trembles as he pinches the bridge of his nose. I reach over and lay my hand across the top of his. I don’t want this pain for him. ”The dream doesn’t scare me as much as waking up wishing that I had.”
***
The envelope feels heavy in my hands. I want to go. I
need
to go.
Chapter 35
There is no mistaking where Tommy’s life came to a violent end. The tire marks still mar the pavement where the drunk driver tried to stop at the last minute. They lead up to a corner of the intersection that is covered with tokens of memorial, a monument to his death. I pull to the side of the road and throw the Lincoln into park. My stomach roils as I force the door open. With every step, it becomes harder to breathe, and I find myself panting with the effort. My hands shake as I open the letter and stand on the spot Tommy drew his last breath.
***
Dear Tommy,
When I was a little girl, you always had the right words to make me feel better. You always knew what to do to dry my tears and make me smile. You were magic. I need some of your magic today but you aren’t here and no amount of magic could fix the hurt in my heart. I can’t believe you are gone. I keep expecting to wake up and realize that it was just another bad dream.
Do you remember what you used to say to me when I missed you? “Together forever. Never apart. Maybe in distance but never in heart.” I’m sorry I never told you that you’re in my heart every day. Every. Day. I never told you, that of all the horrible things I went through, YOU made the biggest impression. Not Drew, not the drugs, none of it. You made me believe in the goodness in people when all I knew was evil. You showed me what it meant to sacrifice yourself for someone else and you showed me that I was important enough to fight for. You risked going to jail to defend me when no one else would acknowledge what went on under their noses. Above all else, you believed me. You never wavered or doubted that I was being hurt and that it needed to stop. When you grow up in a house where you’re preyed upon and no one believes you, it makes you feel like you deserve what you’re getting. It makes you think that your word is useless. The world is an empty and hopeless place when you don’t have anyone in your corner. You were my champion. You gave hope back to me. You are my hero.
I would sacrifice myself, without hesitation, to have another minute with you. Life is cruel and unjust that you should die while I can think of many people more deserving. I know that’s terrible, and I am probably going to hell for that. I just miss you. There will never be a day that I don’t ache with missing you, T. Never a day.
I Will Love You, Always,
B.
***
The gravel from the shoulder of the road digs into my hands and knees. My letter is crumpled in the grass. Screaming releases the desolation and anger coursing through me. I rock back and forth in a pitiful display of grief. I don’t care that I probably look like a crazy person. My heart is in pieces that will never fit together again. A feral moan erupts from my mouth, sending wave after wave of tears.
I’ve lost track of the time I’ve spent kneeling by the side of the road, wailing for Tommy. I only know that my throat is raw and my knees are sore. The discomfort it causes can’t come close to the pain Tommy’s absence creates. Part of me wants to curl up and die right here, but Tommy would never forgive me for leaving our family behind. I know he would be here if he could. I pick up my crumpled letter and place it back in its envelope. There is a nook between a statue of an angel and a cross with Tommy’s name. I tuck the letter there. When I get off my knees and walk back to the Lincoln, I don’t feel any relief. I know this is only one of the many times I will be saying goodbye to Tommy today.
When I pull up to the house, Ryan is waiting on the porch swing. He stands when he sees me and walks to the front steps to greet me. My sore eyes linger on him. He’s beautiful in a dark grey suit and navy blue tie. I brush the remaining dirt from my jeans and do my best to act like I was just out joyriding.
“Good morning,” I croak, forgetting my raw throat. He watches me suspiciously from the top of the stairs. I know I must look like a wreck, but I don’t want an interrogation, so I continue to play dumb.
“Where’d you run off to so early?” He places his hand in the small of my back as he opens the door for me. I give him a quick smile and pick up my pace toward the kitchen. Gran and Pops are at the dining room table and when they see me fly through with Ryan hot on my heels, Gran’s hand freezes with her coffee cup halfway to her mouth. Her eyebrows shoot straight up and Pops’ pinch together.
“What the hell?” Pops mutters.
“Beth
, wait
,” Ryan stops in the kitchen doorway.
I continue on my quest, grabbing a glass from the cabinet and filling it with water from the sink. I gulp down the tepid water, letting it soothe the burning in my throat. I wasn’t counting on having to face him already. My back is to Ryan and I can feel him boring holes into the back of my head. The glass in my hand shakes as I turn on the faucet to refill my glass. I am not above blatant stalling; I’m desperate. Ryan’s hand shoots around me and turns the faucet off. I can feel the heat of his body against my back making my heart leap. Damn him!
“You’re running again,” he whispers, as he rests his hands on my shoulders. I tense, getting ready to play defense against whatever questions he’s about to hurl at me. Ryan ignores my posture and rubs my shoulders with tender care.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” My voice is still hoarse. I place my glass in the sink and lean my hands on the countertop, trying to put a little distance between us. His hands go a long way to soothing the angst from my visit to the site of the crash. Instead of fighting, I comply when he turns me around and pulls me against his chest. My eyes close, and I let the comfort he’s offering wash over me.
“You don’t have to talk about it. You don’t have to say a word, just let me be here,” he whispers into my hair. I heave a heavy sigh, letting the rest of my apprehension go. Grateful for his patience, I hold him tight to my body. No, I don’t want to talk about it, but I still want him to know that I care. I won’t let another person in my life go on without showing how I feel about them.
Chapter 36
After a hot shower, I almost feel human again. The turntable spins an old school James Taylor album while I get dressed for Tommy’s funeral mass. I slip on a simple black wrap dress with high-heeled Mary Janes. I am smoothing out the front of my dress when there is a knock on my door.
Gran sticks her head in and smiles when she sees me. “Beautiful, Blossom. You look so beautiful.” The creases around her eyes deepen with her smile.
“Will you braid my hair, Gran?” I hold out my hairbrush and sit on the edge of my bed. Ever since I was little, I have loved it when Gran braids my hair. It is something so simple but very calming
to have her play with my hair.
She takes the brush and runs the bristles from my crown down to the ends. “Tommy would be very happy that you and Ryan are leaning on each other,” she minces no words and moves in straight for the kill. With her fingers interwoven with my hair, I can’t exactly run for the hills.
“Gran,” I warn.
“Don’t you sass me with that tone, young lady. Tommy realized how much that boy adored you the second you were gone. He felt the fool for giving you two so much grief. Poor Ryan moped around here like a lost pup when you went back to Miami. He even tried to give your concert tickets to Lori across the street. She was ecstatic until she realized that he was trying to give her both tickets.” Gran chuckles while she is twisting the strands of hair into a French braid. I don’t think she notices my slack-jawed response to her statement. The image of Ryan at seventeen pops into my head, making me smile in reverie. “What are you grinning at?” Gran teases.
“It’s just hard to imagine Ryan moping around anywhere. It goes against his nature,” I laugh.
“Exactly,” Gran emphasizes. “That’s how Tommy knew. That’s how we all knew.” She takes the elastic from the dresser, fastening it to the bottom of my braid.
“Gran?” I ask tentatively.
“What is it, Blossom?” She sits next to me on the bed and grabs my hand.
“Was Tommy happy?” I whimper and suck in a ragged breath.
“Yes, he was,” Gran sniffles, “he had a good life and was happy where he was.”
“I’m so glad,” I give her a weak smile and squeeze her hand. Gran and I both turn our heads at the soft knock on the door.
“Knock, knock.” I hear my mom’s voice, “Can I come in?” Her beautiful blond head peeks around the corner. I jump off the bed to go hug her.
“Mom,” I smile, “I’m so sorry I missed you last night, I passed out early.”
“I know, when I came upstairs you were out cold, so I covered you up and turned out your light.” She brushes my cheek with her hand. She laughs softly at my surprise and kisses my forehead. I pull her into another embrace and drink in the smell of her perfume.
“I love you so much, Mom,” I whisper, “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too, Beth,” she says. Her eyes are glassy as they assess me with maternal concern. She strokes my cheek as she says, “Your dad and I are headed out with Rob and Melissa.”
“Pops and I are going to head over to the church to help out the Cantwells.” Before I can question, Gran adds, “Ryan said he would give you a ride to the church.” She gives me a wry smile and my mom gives her a conspiratorial glance. I get the feeling that I am walking directly into a trap.
***
“
Will you miss me?” I whisper against Ryan’s mouth. Beneath the cherry tree, we are snuggled together in the grass.
“Every day,” Ryan promises, rubbing his nose against mine. He props himself on his elbows, drawing his face away from mine. ”You know that, right?” His brows pinch together as he searches my face. His eyes lull me into a trance. I could stare into them forever. Their green is a perfect match to the grass we’re laying on. “Beth?” He cocks an eyebrow, waiting.
“You’ll miss me until some hottie comes along and steals your heart.” I tease. I don’t want to be the girl whose head gets so wrapped up in the clouds she can’t see straight. Some beautiful girl will come along and replace me before my plane hits the runway in Miami. This is the last afternoon I have to spend with him, so I push those thoughts far away. The only things I want to think about are Ryan’s kisses and the way they make me tingle.
“I don’t want another hottie,” he teases back before leaning in to kiss me. His lips brush mine with the tender promises of his heart. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him against me. His hair winds through my fingers as my tongue grazes his. I like how he shudders when I take control. The warmth of his breath washes over my face when he pulls his mouth away from mine. His lips are puffy from our kisses; the look on his face chases the air from my lungs. He’s taking me in like I am a treasure he’s found, pure adoration. He smiles down at me, making those jade eyes twinkle, “You’re unforgettable, Elizabeth Irene. I’d be a fool not to miss rolling around in the grass with you.” He laughs, rolling onto his back. I smack his stomach playfully and cover my face with my hands. “Don’t be embarrassed, that’s a compliment,” he chuckles.