Authors: L.M. Trio
E
verything in this place is quite the opposite of the world I once knew. I sometimes feel as if I’ll never make it through till the end. It feels as though I’ve been here for years, although, only months have passed.
When
I first arrived, I wrote letters of apology to everyone I hurt, including the family members of Dale Cummings, the man I killed. I feel nothing except regret for everything that happened that dreadful day. Even though I apologized in court, I wanted them to know that I was remorseful for the outcome of that day. I am responsible for someone losing their life. I deserve this.
I wasn’t the wise guy they made me out to be; I had never hurt anyone
physically
in my life. I thought I was helping that girl; she was hurt. To this day, I replay it over and over in my head. Would I have done something different? I doubt it. Regardless, because of my actions, he died, and for that and many other things, I am regretful. This is where I belong.
I honestly admit to myself
, though, that the night that haunts me the most is the last night at home. It’s the one I feel I deserve to be punished for more than any other because of the pain I caused JJ. I humiliated her. I betrayed her. I will never forget that last look in her eyes. I can barely stand to look at myself in the scratched, rectangular, clouded mirror that hangs before me. In it, I see a distorted image of someone that barely resembles me. I hate the person staring back.
I write JJ many letters, it’s one of the things I do to occupy myself. Each one, a guide to the emotional rollercoaster I have been on since the day I
arrived. At first, I begged for her forgiveness. I need her forgiveness. I need her. Yet, I can’t bring myself to send any of these letters. I don’t deserve her forgiveness. I don’t deserve her. How could I ask for her forgiveness when I haven’t forgiven myself?
Early on, my dad mentions that David asked for a visit.
“Dad, I don’t know. I’m not sure I can face him. He trusted me and I betrayed that trust,” I answer.
“Luciano, I’m not going to tell you what to do, it’s you’re decision.
Let me know if you change your mind. You two were close; why not hear what he has to say? Maybe it will ease some of the hurt you are feeling.”
“May
be not,” I answer.
“Maybe not
,” my dad agrees.
I know the look in my dad’s eyes. He doesn’t have to say any more. It is something I need to do. No, it is something I
have
to do. I owe David. He trusted me with JJ, and I betrayed him as well
.
I don’t want to see him, though. I’m scared. I don’t need him to remind me how much I hurt his daughter. I live with it every day. However, if I can’t tell her how sorry I am, at least I can tell her father that I never meant for things to turn out this way. I finally agree to a visit.
I sit down in front of the smeared glass window, picking up the phone hanging on the wall while signaling to David to pick up the other end.
“Hey, Luke… How ya doin'?” David asks. I see compassion in David’s face when he looks at me. I wonder how he can feel anything for me other than hate.
“I’m okay… I’m good,” I lie, barely able to look at him.
“You don’t look so good; you’ve lost weight.”
“I miss your cookin’.” A forced smile falls from my face. Thankfully, David laughs at my attempt to ease the tension.
“Look, the reason I’m here…” He pauses. “I’m not here to talk about what happened between you and JJ… We
are friends, right?” I nod in agreement. My heart tightens at the sound of her name. I finally look David in the eyes, clenching my jaw tight. He deserves my full attention. “You and my daughter meant a lot to each other. I can’t forget all of the good things you did for her. I know it ended bad, but…”
I could feel my eyes begin to well up and I hold up my hand
to stop David from continuing. The last thing I want to do here, in this place, is cry. Crying shows weakness. You can’t dare to show weakness in this place. Nevertheless, I have to say what I need to say, I owe him this. David was always good to me. I ask him to give me a minute while I take a deep breath and try to compose myself.
“I never meant for things to end the way they did… I loved her… I hate myself for hurting her… but, she was ready to give up everything… She was ready to back out of school… stay home… visit me here every week. Do you think I would want her to see me here, like this? I’m wrecked David… look at me,” I choke out, holding out my arms and pointing to myself. “I couldn’t have that. She deserves better. I’m not proud of what I did, trust me… I live with it every day… I should have done it different… I…” The lump in my throat is growing. I can barely find my voice as it begins to quiver.
David stops me, cuts me off midsentence. He notices me getting emotional, and I know that is not what he wants.
“Luke. Stop. I know why you did it.
I know you love her
.” I take note that David uses the present tense. “That’s what I want to tell you. I’ll admit I was upset for a while. But you’re right… She moved down there by herself. She loves the art program at USF… She seems to be doing okay… I think it was the best thing for her. I knew she was considering passing up her scholarship and I almost let her. I would have done the easy thing and given in to her, which would have been a mistake. You made the tough choice and let her go.”
I
nod my head in agreement. My heart is sitting in my throat and I can’t muster up the words to say more. Although, I feel that David’s reason for the visit is to make me feel better, I’m not quite sure that it has. I don’t want to think of her moving on without me. Then again, it’s better than the alternative; I was afraid that I had destroyed her for good.
“That’s enough about that. I just want to let you know that I understand.” David waves away his hand, dismissing the conversation. He changes the topic from JJ to his genuine concern for my well being. “You need to focus on getting stronger and getting your life back. You need to find a way to get through this,” he says.
David stays for as long as the guard allows. After the initial conversation is put aside, I realize that David is here as my friend, not as my ex-girlfriend’s father. We discuss David’s job and catch up on sports, which has always been one of our favorite conversations and debates.
After my time is up, I say goodbye to David and thank him for the visit. I wonder if he is going to tell JJ that he visited, somehow, I doubt it.
***
The first year crawls by. I often feel as if time is standing still and I will never leave this place. I begin to scribble in my yellow legal notepad…
“
When I first got here, a few of the guys told me I would get used to being in jail, but I don’t know how that is possible. It’s been over a year, and every morning that I wake up, I’m still surprised that I am here. I still feel as if I’m stuck in a nightmare, unable to wake up. Do you ever think of me? I know I have no right to ask. All I ever do is think in this shit hole. Some days, I wish I’d get jumped while walking down the hallway. Maybe I’ll end up with brain damage and my previous life will be erased from my mind. I think it will make things easier for me, not knowing what I lost. As you can see, I’m having one of my bad days. Maybe next week I won’t feel so beaten down. It gets harder, not easier. I miss you. I love you always… Luke
”
Chapter 3
(Jesse)
The smell of Cuban coffee from the nearby café and the heat from the morning sun feel good against my skin as I stroll down 7
th
Avenue towards The Blue Martini. I love living in Ybor City. The exotic blend of aromas, flavors, sights and sounds of this city make me feel more alive. There are plenty of galleries, shops and restaurants nestled among the red brick buildings with their wrought iron balconies and cobblestone streets to keep me busy. Mya and I moved here immediately following our freshman year.
We heard about Ybor City from a couple of our classmates that were in the art program along with us. We found a cool studio apartment on top of a cigar shop. We fell in love with it the second we
saw it. The light that pours in through the huge wall-length windows is perfect for Mya while she’s sculpting, and me while painting. There is plenty of space for the two of us and all of our supplies. We each have our own room on opposite sides of the apartment, which are enclosed by huge sliding wooden doors for privacy. In the center of the two private rooms is a large living area that opens to the kitchen.
The studio is decorated with our own paintings and sculptures. We agree the final outcome is pretty awesome, giving the apartment an artsy edge to it. It’s our own personal gallery. We visited antique shops and yard sales on weekends, searching for unique pieces of furniture
, and we refurbished everything to our liking.
I began my hostess job at The Blue Martini shortly following my move to Ybor City. My manager, Cheryl
, and I hit it off immediately. She’s willing to work around my class schedule, and I make a decent amount of money.
Cheryl was kind enough to let me use The Blue this year for my annual fund raising event at no charge. The Blue Martini is a trendy restaurant/lounge in town. Last year
, I held a small, last minute fundraiser at my school, with the help of my teacher. I somewhat dropped the ball, but managed to bring in a little under five hundred dollars for the Olivia Martell Foundation. At the time, I was having a hard enough time keeping up with my studies; not to mention, I spent a good part of my year reeling from my break-up with Luke.
As time goes on, I find myself in a much better place
; starting with moving into our own apartment and landing my job at The Blue. I felt so confined, living in that small dorm room Mya and I shared. At first, it didn’t matter to me, but as time passed, I needed to get out. I’m finally getting myself back on track. I’ve been hoping to expand the fundraiser and The Blue Martini will be the perfect spot to reach my goal.
My art professor is helping with the plans
, giving me some tips, and several of the art students are donating their work for sale at the event. It’s a win-win situation for the students. We will make twenty-five percent profit from any art work that is auctioned and the rest will go to the foundation. It’s a way for the students to get their work out there to the public, and it’s also exciting anytime someone is willing to pay for something you create. The paintings and sculptures are being auctioned off, while jewelry, pottery and other donated items will have sale tags attached with part of the proceeds going to the foundation. I was touched by the many local businesses willing to donate their services and gift items to the fundraiser. Mikey was able to get tickets to several Rays’ games, along with some autographed MLB memorabilia to add to the items up for the Chinese Auction.
He was recently promoted to the Double A Montgomery Biscuits
and will be leaving soon. It’s great for him. He’s doing so well and the way things are looking, he’ll be in the majors in no time. I’m sad that he won’t be spending his season in Florida like he did last year.
Spring hasn’t gotten any easier for me. That’s why I’m thankful to have a lot of things occupying my mind. It’s hard sitting around feeling sorry for myself when there is so much to do. Between studying for finals, organizing the fundraiser
, and working on my paintings to sell at the event, I have definitely overextended myself. To top it off, I work three nights a week at the Blue and spend one afternoon a week volunteering at the Washington Elementary School for an after-school art program for students.
I’m looking forward to th
is evening. A lot of planning went into this night. I step into the restaurant and Bo, the afternoon manager, greets me by the door. I stop in to say hello to the crew prepping in the kitchen before heading up to the VIP lounge. The lounge has been reserved for me this evening. Some of the students stop by to drop off their work. Tickets were sold through school and many of the local businesses in town and I’m expecting a decent turn out.
I check my watch, anticipating Deanna’s arrival from Phoenix. She’s flying in for the weekend and she’s bringing her new boyfriend. She met him right before winter break and they began dating soon after. She seems to be happy and she’s thrilled for me to meet him.
I miss Deanna terribly. It seems as if it’s been forever since the last time I saw her. Talking three times a week isn’t the same as spending time together. I’ll admit, I’m mostly to blame. I keep myself so busy that I’ve been slacking off in the frequent communication department. While I take one last walk through the remainder of the restaurant just to be sure everything is in place for tonight, I receive a text from Deanna, stating that she just arrived at her hotel.
We meet up at my apartment and head to the Green Iguana for lunch. Jeffrey, Deanna’s new boyfriend
, seems nice enough. He’s friendly, but may be just a bit uptight for someone like Deanna. He’s pre-med and comes from a family of doctors. Deanna has a bit of a silly side, and although they seem to enjoy each other’s company, I’m not convinced it’s in his nature to let loose every once in a while. She seems to go for the serious, straight arrow kind of guys. They’re very nice and seem to adore her, but they just don’t seem to be a match for her personality. Mikey will hate him, I decide, but, it should be fun to watch.