Authors: Alicia Kobishop
Shit!
“Okay. I’ll figure it out.” I took a calming breath. “Hey, Gavin?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
“Yeah. Of course. Keep me posted.”
I took the phone away from my ear and looked at Mel. “Logan’s in jail. I need to borrow your car.”
*
I rushed through the front doors of the police station and straight down the wide hallway to the unoccupied reception window. It was quiet. Two police officers in uniform sat at desks towards the back of the area, laughing and talking. I looked around the desk for a bell to ring but found nothing.
“Excuse me,” I called out.
Neither of them noticed me.
“Excuse me!” I raised my voice louder that time, and they both turned. They looked at each other to figure out who was going to deal with me, then one of them finally came to the window.
He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me and waited.
“I…uh…found out my friend is here. What do I need to do to get him out?” I asked.
The officer looked at the computer in front of him, bored. “Name.”
“Logan Tanner.”
He typed the name onto the keyboard while I anxiously waited. “Here he is. Oh. He was released this morning.”
Oh, thank God.
“Why was he arrested?” I asked.
He did more typing. “Huh.” He looked at me and squinted his eyes. “And who are you?”
“Olivia Evans. I’m a friend.”
He nodded, then looked back at the monitor. “We got him for second offense reckless driving, endangering persons or property, and unpaid motor-vehicle citations. Tell your friend to be more careful.”
“Okay, thank you.” I turned away, walked back down the long hallway and out the exit door.
When I reached Mel’s car, I took my phone out and dialed Logan’s number. It rang twice.
When he answered, he hesitated before saying anything. “Hi, Liv.”
Hearing his voice made me miss him even more. I had to take a breath to hold myself together. “Gavin told me what happened,” I said quietly. “Are you okay?”
He sighed. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
I could tell by his tone that he wasn’t fine at all. He sounded completely defeated. He needed help. “Logan, where are you?”
He paused. “Liv, I don’t need any help, okay?” he said as if he read my mind. He had a funny way of doing that. “I’m fine. Really. You need to forget about me.”
He had to know that would never happen.
“Just tell me where you are,” I coaxed.
I waited patiently as the phone stayed silent for several moment. Finally, he spoke. “I’m at the shop.”
“I can be there in ten minutes.”
“Aren’t you at school?”
“No, I’m at the police department. Gavin told me you were still here. I came to try to help…”
“What did they tell you?” he nearly shouted, suddenly anxious.
“They told me you were arrested for reckless driving and that you were released this morning.”
He sighed. “Shit. Liv, I’m sorry, it’s not a good idea for us to meet right now. Just go back to school. You can’t keep cutting classes.”
Why?
And then it hit me…stabbed me, actually…right in the inner cavity of my chest. He didn’t want to see me.
“Oh. Okay,” I said, trying to keep my cool, but failing miserably. “I guess I’ll see you around then.”
Just as I was about to hang up, he said my name.
“Yeah?” I replied.
“Why do you even care? After what I did…”
“What
did
you do, Logan?”
After several seconds, he sighed. “All I know is I fucking miss you.” His voice cracked as he said it.
It’s astonishing how a simple phrase can thoroughly break you. I had absolutely no control over the tears that began to fall down my cheeks the second after he said it.
“I miss you, too.”
*
Mel let me back into the school through a side door between fifth and sixth period.
“Did you get him out?” she asked as we walked to our lockers.
“He’s already out. I went there for nothing,” I blankly replied as I placed her car keys in her palm. I felt like a complete idiot, running off and trying to ‘save’ him like that. Like he needed me.
“Are you fucking serious?” She leaned up against her locker as I opened mine. “You’re probably going to get a detention for it too.”
“I don’t really care, Mel.” I grabbed my books and slammed my locker shut. “We’re late for class. I’ll see you later. Thanks for letting me use your car.” From her expression, I could tell she was worried about me. I pulled her into a hug. “I’m lucky to have you.”
She stepped back as I released her. “You know I’ve got your back, right?”
I contrived a smile. “I know you do.” Then I turned away and began jogging down the hall to my next class.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Even though the day was almost over, the rest of it took an eternity. I practically jumped out of my seat when the final bell rang. I went to Mel’s locker and found her making out with Nate while holding a pink teddy bear, which I assumed was the first part of his anniversary surprise. How did he get in here anyway? He wasn’t even in high school, let alone
this
school. They really needed to up the security.
“I’ll wait in the car,” I mumbled, but I wasn’t sure if she heard me. As happy as I was for her, I didn’t need to see that right now.
“Liv, I’m coming!” she replied. She broke away from Nate and ran towards me. “Hey,” she continued, “I’m here for you. Don’t forget that, okay?”
I nodded. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. I wanted to stop thinking about it. I just wanted to forget.
“Okay, enough of this no talking and one-word answer crap!” she stopped me in the hall and faced me. “You love him. He loves you. What’s the problem?”
“The problem is he told me he loved me and then slept with another girl!” Was she delirious? Had she not remembered what happened? I gave her a disgusted look and started walking quickly.
“Bullshit!” Melody argued as she caught up with me. “The problem is you’re scared and you’re making excuses. You said he didn’t even remember it, right? You know he doesn’t care about her.”
“I don’t know, Mel, I can’t seem to get past it.” I said as we walked out the front doors of the school. “Besides, whose side are you on anyway?”
“I’m on your side, Liv. I want you to be happy. Stop torturing yourself for things that you have no control over and let yourself be happy.”
“You can’t possibly think what he did was okay.”
“No. Of course not. If he did what you think he did, it would absolutely NOT be okay. But if there’s any possibility that he
didn’t
do it, wouldn’t you want to give it another chance? You believe that he doesn’t remember, right? Why assume the worst?”
I didn’t answer her right away. Because I didn’t have an answer. Part of me was still too angry to give it a chance, while the other part begged to hear him out at the very least. Ever since meeting this extraordinary boy several months ago, my heart and my brain have been doing nothing but attacking each other. And I had no idea how to get a freaking grip. If this is what love was like, I wanted nothing to do with it.
I stopped instantly when I saw Logan with his backside and palms against the hood of his Mustang, parked in the no parking zone. His head was bowed down as if he were deep in thought. A single red rose hung between the fingers of his right hand.
“I forgot something in my locker,” Mel announced just before quickly scurrying off.
A wave of emotions hit me all at once, and my eyes burned as I held back the tears. I took a deep breath, forcing the lump in my throat to cease. I would be strong. I would
not
falter like I did earlier today. This would not faze me. A rush of pain pulsed in my heart as he looked up at me.
God, I’ve missed those eyes.
His face brightened when he saw me, but there was an underlying sadness behind it. He smiled, but there were dark circles around his eyes as if he hadn’t slept in days. I walked to him, stopped two feet in front of him, and waited.
“This is for you.” He handed me the rose. “I wanted to give you…something special.”
“Thank you.” We stood silent for a moment, with our eyes locked. Why did I have to feel so at peace…so at home when I looked in his eyes? I told myself, again, to stay strong. It took all the willpower I had not to jump into his arms. After a few moments, the silence became awkward.
“Okay. Well. I guess I’ll see you around,” I said, and I turned to walk away, confused as hell.
“Liv, wait!”
I turned to face him.
“Can I give you a ride home? I know about your car.”
“How?”
“Mel texted me.”
Of course she did. I looked around, fidgeting with my backpack, trying to come up with an excuse not to go with him, but nothing came to me.
“Sure,” I nodded.
With a glimmer of hope in his eyes, he opened the door for me, and I took a seat. My backpack found a place on the floorboard between my feet while my eyes stayed glued to Logan as he rounded the front of the car and slid into the driver’s seat.
What the hell was I doing?
The ride to my house was a silent one. As I sat in the passenger seat, the scent of Armor All mixed with leather and…Logan…instantly reminded me of everything I had been missing so terribly. I stared out the window, watching the snow-covered trees and houses pass. Feeling him so close to me, with nothing but the stick shift between us, but knowing I couldn’t reach over and take his hand, only increased my torment. Tears stung my eyes as I thought about how things between us would never be the way it used to be.
As we rolled into my driveway, my cheeks began to burn. I tried to force the tears back so Logan wouldn’t see me cry, but ever since my floodgates opened a few weeks ago, I’ve had trouble getting my wall back up. Being near him was more difficult that I thought it would be.
Why is he making this harder?
I pulled myself together. “Logan, what do you want?”
"Do you still love me?" he bluntly asked.
Taken aback by the forwardness of his question, I stayed silent. Of course I still loved him. It's not something you can just turn off. Love wasn't the issue. Bad things happen when you love someone too much. I had already made the mistake of letting my guard down once. I had no intention of doing it again. The only problem was, my guard was already gone.
"Liv, please, I need to know." His expression became one of frustration.
I sighed. "What do you want me to say, Logan? It doesn't matter."
"Yes, it fucking matters!" he instantly shouted, banging his hands on the steering wheel. The outburst caused me to jump in my seat. "It's the ONLY fucking thing that matters." Resting his elbow on his window, he pinched the bridge of his nose and took a calming breath. "Shit. I'm sorry. Please, I just need to know."
"I don't...I can't..." I couldn't get it out. I couldn't tell him that I didn't love him. It would be a lie. My heart was telling me to be honest, but I couldn't seem to do that either. All the heartbreak in my life came from love. Everyone I loved had either left me or fallen out of my life somehow, leaving an empty void. I knew if we were together, he would do the same eventually, intentionally or not. Wouldn’t it be better to cut the ties now than to wait until he was intertwined so deeply in my life that I would have no way of recovering? I couldn’t even bear the thought of having to get over him now. At this point, how would I manage it if I fell deeper in love with him?
And what if he hurts me again?
I turned to face him but still, no words came out. The hopefulness in his eyes gradually turned to anguish. He had taken my silence for rejection. His head bowed down.
"Logan, I'm sorry..." Finally, my vocal chords were cooperating, but I still couldn't say what I needed to. My mind was on overdrive and all the answers were scrambled. Nothing was clear anymore, and I didn’t have an answer to give him.
He wiped his eye with the meaty part of his palm, then faced me. "I'm leaving for a while, Liv.”
No!
My mouth fell open.
“I tried so hard not to fall in love with you. Not to want you…or even care. But the more I'm around you, the harder I fucking fall for you. You’re everywhere I look. Everything reminds me of you. I need to leave town until I can figure out how to function here without you. There's a pretty big racing scene in Miami. They’re organized there, not like here. I made plans to leave in the morning. I just thought maybe..."
Tears welled in my eyes, and this time I couldn't hold them back. A sob escaped me.
“Oh shit, Liv. Please don’t cry.” He reacted to my expression by reaching over to me, pulling me to him, where he held me tight. He smelled so good. A mixture of leather and aftershave…and him. The thought of never being in his arms like this again destroyed me. He held on to me for several minutes. “This will be the best thing. For both of us. I know you can’t forgive me. Trust me, I get it. You have every right not to. This is the only way to move on.”
His words made sense. I knew he was right. Why did it feel so wrong?
As he slowly released me, he took my chin, forcing me to look into his crushed eyes, and wiped away the tears on my cheeks with his thumb. His touch ignited the familiar electrical current that I had been longing for this past week.
"I couldn't leave without giving this one last chance," he explained. "I would regret it if I didn't try. At least now I know.” He brought his lips to my forehead where they lingered. Then, he looked into my eyes, forcing a sullen smile. “Your car is fixed by the way. It was the alternator.”
After several moments, he sighed and abruptly pulled away, placing both hands on the steering wheel while looking straight ahead. It was my cue to get out of the car. This was it. I was never going to see him again. Silent tears streamed down my cheeks as I took a final look at him. His cheeks were flushed, his jaw clenched, and his knuckles white. I waited for any further acknowledgement from him, but he wouldn’t look at me.